For those of you at your very professional workplaces, here is the text of Sarah Palin’s latest verbal feat of derring-do: “What do they [The Liberals!] think? Do they think the terrorists have all the sudden become the good guys and changed their minds? No, the terrorists still seek to destroy America and her allies and all that it is that we stand for: freedom, tolerance, and equality. The terrorists have not changed their minds.” We at Wonkette do, in fact, believe that the terrorists have become the good guys. You can see Osama & Pals doing Habitat for Humanity work in the streets of any major American city. Planting new trees, picking up trash. Can’t anyone get a second chance, Sarah? [HuffPo]

John McCain works every day with the only things he loves: domestic terrorists, Idaho bathroom goblins, KKK racists, child fuckers, international terrorists, oil companies, abortions, Mexicans, Saddam Hussein, etc. Quickly email this to everyone, using an AOL or Hotmail account, and add some ALL CAPS. [Reason]

Is this really it? The end of the debates, for this presidential race? It seems like only two years ago that these awful debates began — because that’s how long they’ve been going on, for two years. And now, it comes down to Two Men. One is an increasingly terrifying old lunatic who is probably going to hit the moderator tonight, and blame it on Bill Ayers. Also: Orange Squirrel Furries. This is an official tactic of the RNC today, these Squirrel Furries! The other is … well, we don’t really know anything about him, if he is a “him.” We don’t even know his name, if he has a name. There is literally no way anyone could possibly know anything about this “That One” character, except he is leading by about 107 points tonight, so obviously no matter what he does, we will all nod our heads with dignity and say that he lost. Wait, what? MORE »

You know how many figs John McCain gives about Bill Ayers? Not two of them, my friends! That is why he is honor-bound to discuss at length in tomorrow night’s debate how the hippie terrorist and Barack Obama were giving each other handjobs back in the 60s. MORE »

Oh and another PECULIAR thing happened today at the Confederate Racetrack, aside from Hank Williams Jr. trying to mate with Sarah Palin. Some deaf wingnuts in the crowd yelled for Palin to speak louder, prompting Palin to call them slimy troop-hating brown Osama terrorists in response. She did this because she is, what else, a Maverick, and Mavericks will call their own cheering supporters illegal terrorists if Country requires it. MORE »

Oh dear, it looks like those liberal celebrities are insulting George W. Bush’s heroism by plotting amateurish “copycat crimes” against Freedom. Why else would self-loathing college rapper Kanye West be arrested at the airport, on 9/11? Exactly. Now let’s invade, what, Belgium or Egypt or something. [CNN]

Oh no, some sort of 9/11 is happening in downtown D.C. today: “Authorities have closed portions of two downtown Washington streets as they investigate the discovery of several containers carrying an unknown substance. D.C. fire department spokesman Alan Etter says the containers were found on a sidewalk midday Thursday at the corner of 15th and I streets. Hazmat crews are working to determine what is inside the containers and who put them there.” The “air around the containers tested negative,” so it’s probably just urine. As far as who put them there, well: “A Spanish-language bible appears to be resting on top one of the containers.” The Bush Administration is expected to bomb a random brown country by nightfall. [WJLA]

Here’s a clip from Fox News’ Fox & Friends program last Thursday in which they discuss a KFC opening in Fallujah, in Iraq. They are so excited about the fast food wage-slave chain being opened in this awful city, because it means “things are working” in Iraq, democracy and economics, what have you; the little brown terrorists can all now eat greasy chicken and be fat slobs like us. General Tommy Franks is interviewed and says this is great, hurrah. But it turns out there is no real KFC in Fallujah after all; it’s just some black market chop-shop that they probably threw together to make Barack Obama feel welcome during his visit. [TPM Muckraker]

Barack Obama is giving a speech about Iraq now, but we imagine it’s (a) a fancier version of this and (b) impossibly unfunny. Ugh, this guy. Jesus was a messiah too, you know, but at least he presented a mockable stereotype of himself — “God’s son,” ha ha. So instead we’ll tackle his new ad, in which he talks to a bunch of old white people about that time he worked with some old white man to prevent nuclear weapons from falling into the hands of browns. [YouTube]

Wonkette Semi-Aquatic Rodent Operative “Claiborne” asks this very important question, and the answer is: because they are terrorists. New evidence reveals that violent extremist muskrats perpetrated today’s breach of the levees north of St. Louis. Shocking video footage of these terrorists plotting their takeover of Missouri, after the jump. MORE »

Here’s a curious pairing of headlines from the Washington Post website. John McCain, as he has been and will continue doing for the next eight years, called Obama a softie who ignorantly treats our enemies like actual human beings. Obama thinks *talking* to dangerous regimes, in some form, will achieve anything? Like a truce or something? Go back to Harvard, Columbia elitist! Talking with the enemy will only result in twenty more 9/11s and universal cancer. [Washington Post]