Wonkette

Our girlfriend Peggy Noonan has been more enjoyable than usual this year, as a tragically drawn-out Democratic primary battle provided her with endless opportunities to touch herself while Barack Obama spoke pretty things, and to then guiltily wash her hands and realize that Obama was, in fact, the Democrat and not Ronald Reagan and, indeed, kind of “multicultural,” if you get our drift. But all that tortured eloquence has vanished from Peggy’s column, because the oxycontin/vodka cocktail hit hard as soon as she finished typing the relatively sane setup of today’s “Declarations.” MORE »

Inexplicably retarded Missouri Republican Rep. Sam Graves is still attacking his Democratic opponent, Kay Barnes, and everyone who knows her, for being a bunch of white wine-swilling liberal transgender Christ-molesting San Francisco fags. She is “taking their San Francisco money, and pushing their San Francisco values,” while ignorant gay judges in California turn a blind eye to the rainbow cake that is destroying our very souls. It is Kay Barnes who will give our country to hobbits and lawyers on subprime mortgages, brokered by Terrorists. [YouTube]

Oh no, everyone is so mad at the President’s speech about Israel today, where he called Obama a Nazi-appeaser as well as a terrorist. Like this is news? But everyone is issuing statements and Declarations attacking George W. Bush for his “behavior,” as if it’s some sort of surprise that he would call Barry a terrorist. They’re responding similarly — except for our old pal Sen. Joe Biden, the stand-up comedian of the 2008 Democratic nomination race, who just started cursing left and right. MORE »

The U.S. Government should take its steroids-investigating funds and purchase one of these for every member of the media (the entire U.S. population). We can hide in them until the evening of April 22, cover the Pennsylvania primary results, and then return to hiding until Sinbad defeats the terrorists in Bosnia, again. [QSleeper]

Our favorite dumb presidential candidate, John “WALNUTS!” McCain, delivered a “major foreign policy address” today, and it was about war and diplomacy, the latter of which he will never use. Since the media is distracted by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, McCain can say (and has said!) all sorts of raving dementia-babble and no one will care, because he is a Maverick. But just for kicks, what hilarious things did he say in his speech? MORE »

How will the terrorists pull off their latest “coup” against American Happiness? By striking at its very symbol: John McCain, President of Bombs. Speaking at a town hall today, McCain told the crowd that he heard, through telephone intercepts, that the Al Qaeda “or another extremist group,” may try glorious bomb attacks in Iraq to tilt the election against him. This is what he said! MORE »

Everybody knows that people wishing to carry out terrorist attacks against airports in the UK must follow a time-honored ritual: they must crash a flaming Jeep into the terminal, and then jump out of the Jeep and run around on fire until a heroic cabbie kicks them in the testicles. Hallowed tradition demands nothing less! Unfortunately, one would-be terrorist didn’t get the memo. MORE »

What is happening at the horrible Capitol Building? According to the teevee, an airplane crossed into restricted air space over Washington, and Congress was about to be evacuated, but then the plane turned away. The terrorists lose today, phew! But are these phantoms and banshees haunting the building, still? A reporter operative writes, “According to sources, a chandelier in the Capitol crypt has fallen to the floor. No one is hurt.” ALL CAPITOL OPERATIVES ARE ORDERED to take pictures of the BANSHEE SPECTRE and send them to Wonkette. We need to catch this terrorist ghoul (and the Illegal Mexican Goblin too).

Iowa Republican Congressman Steve King is a known douchebag, and demographic trends suggest he is a racist too. What racist thing did racist Steve King say today? Just that the Muslim terrorists “will be dancing in the streets” if Obama is elected president, “and that has a chilling effect on how difficult it will be to ever win this global war on terror.” Yes, King Congressman, but will he get us universal health care?? MORE »

Ha ha, what the hell is wrong with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton? Clinton released her horrifying “a terrorist calls you at 3 a.m. and threatens to kill your babies, unless Hillary Clinton is president” ad this morning, and that defensive Obama has released a direct, snippy response already! His version — after the jump — is more like “a terrorist calls you at 3 a.m. and threatens to kill your babies, and Barack Obama never supported the War in Iraq.” MORE »

Our “beloved” President has reminded us all over and over again that just because the terrorists are Muslim doesn’t mean all Muslims are terrorists. Even though it’s just a pre-written talking point and no one’s real sure that even he buys it, it’s actually both true and one of the smarter things he’s ever said. But, this is a campaign season and little nuances like “not all Muslims are hell bent on the extermination of life as we know it” sometimes don’t fly with voters who need short, quick talking points, like the only helpfully provided above by by John Deady the New Hampshire State Co-Chair of Veterans for Rudy. This is a clash of civilizations, people, and just because we weren’t quite able to exterminate the Muslims with those crusades lo those many years ago doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try again which is why we should all vote for Giuliani on ‘08. Obviously. [The Guardian]

The Fox affiliate in Los Angeles apparently has the greatest local news show in the world, if this insane Investigative Feature is indicative of the general awesomeness. Meet America’s domestic terrorists, some dudes who bug the fuck out of people on the Interwebs. Or, more accurately, meet the victims — the victims who suffered so tragically, like when the one kid found gay porn all over his myspace page and then his only girlfriend ever broke up with him. Why did the terrorists do it? Just for the lulz.

Anonymous on Fox 11 [Fox 11]

Teevee terrorism-stopper and real-life drunkard Kiefer Sutherland was arrested this morning for drunken driving in Los Angeles. Never forget! [Yahoo/AP]