Wonkette

Oh no, some sort of 9/11 is happening in downtown D.C. today: “Authorities have closed portions of two downtown Washington streets as they investigate the discovery of several containers carrying an unknown substance. D.C. fire department spokesman Alan Etter says the containers were found on a sidewalk midday Thursday at the corner of 15th and I streets. Hazmat crews are working to determine what is inside the containers and who put them there.” The “air around the containers tested negative,” so it’s probably just urine. As far as who put them there, well: “A Spanish-language bible appears to be resting on top one of the containers.” The Bush Administration is expected to bomb a random brown country by nightfall. [WJLA]

Here’s a clip from Fox News’ Fox & Friends program last Thursday in which they discuss a KFC opening in Fallujah, in Iraq. They are so excited about the fast food wage-slave chain being opened in this awful city, because it means “things are working” in Iraq, democracy and economics, what have you; the little brown terrorists can all now eat greasy chicken and be fat slobs like us. General Tommy Franks is interviewed and says this is great, hurrah. But it turns out there is no real KFC in Fallujah after all; it’s just some black market chop-shop that they probably threw together to make Barack Obama feel welcome during his visit. [TPM Muckraker]

Barack Obama is giving a speech about Iraq now, but we imagine it’s (a) a fancier version of this and (b) impossibly unfunny. Ugh, this guy. Jesus was a messiah too, you know, but at least he presented a mockable stereotype of himself — “God’s son,” ha ha. So instead we’ll tackle his new ad, in which he talks to a bunch of old white people about that time he worked with some old white man to prevent nuclear weapons from falling into the hands of browns. [YouTube]

Here’s a curious pairing of headlines from the Washington Post website. John McCain, as he has been and will continue doing for the next eight years, called Obama a softie who ignorantly treats our enemies like actual human beings. Obama thinks *talking* to dangerous regimes, in some form, will achieve anything? Like a truce or something? Go back to Harvard, Columbia elitist! Talking with the enemy will only result in twenty more 9/11s and universal cancer. [Washington Post]

Our girlfriend Peggy Noonan has been more enjoyable than usual this year, as a tragically drawn-out Democratic primary battle provided her with endless opportunities to touch herself while Barack Obama spoke pretty things, and to then guiltily wash her hands and realize that Obama was, in fact, the Democrat and not Ronald Reagan and, indeed, kind of “multicultural,” if you get our drift. But all that tortured eloquence has vanished from Peggy’s column, because the oxycontin/vodka cocktail hit hard as soon as she finished typing the relatively sane setup of today’s “Declarations.” MORE »

Inexplicably retarded Missouri Republican Rep. Sam Graves is still attacking his Democratic opponent, Kay Barnes, and everyone who knows her, for being a bunch of white wine-swilling liberal transgender Christ-molesting San Francisco fags. She is “taking their San Francisco money, and pushing their San Francisco values,” while ignorant gay judges in California turn a blind eye to the rainbow cake that is destroying our very souls. It is Kay Barnes who will give our country to hobbits and lawyers on subprime mortgages, brokered by Terrorists. [YouTube]

Oh no, everyone is so mad at the President’s speech about Israel today, where he called Obama a Nazi-appeaser as well as a terrorist. Like this is news? But everyone is issuing statements and Declarations attacking George W. Bush for his “behavior,” as if it’s some sort of surprise that he would call Barry a terrorist. They’re responding similarly — except for our old pal Sen. Joe Biden, the stand-up comedian of the 2008 Democratic nomination race, who just started cursing left and right. MORE »

The U.S. Government should take its steroids-investigating funds and purchase one of these for every member of the media (the entire U.S. population). We can hide in them until the evening of April 22, cover the Pennsylvania primary results, and then return to hiding until Sinbad defeats the terrorists in Bosnia, again. [QSleeper]

Our favorite dumb presidential candidate, John “WALNUTS!” McCain, delivered a “major foreign policy address” today, and it was about war and diplomacy, the latter of which he will never use. Since the media is distracted by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, McCain can say (and has said!) all sorts of raving dementia-babble and no one will care, because he is a Maverick. But just for kicks, what hilarious things did he say in his speech? MORE »

How will the terrorists pull off their latest “coup” against American Happiness? By striking at its very symbol: John McCain, President of Bombs. Speaking at a town hall today, McCain told the crowd that he heard, through telephone intercepts, that the Al Qaeda “or another extremist group,” may try glorious bomb attacks in Iraq to tilt the election against him. This is what he said! MORE »

Everybody knows that people wishing to carry out terrorist attacks against airports in the UK must follow a time-honored ritual: they must crash a flaming Jeep into the terminal, and then jump out of the Jeep and run around on fire until a heroic cabbie kicks them in the testicles. Hallowed tradition demands nothing less! Unfortunately, one would-be terrorist didn’t get the memo. MORE »

What is happening at the horrible Capitol Building? According to the teevee, an airplane crossed into restricted air space over Washington, and Congress was about to be evacuated, but then the plane turned away. The terrorists lose today, phew! But are these phantoms and banshees haunting the building, still? A reporter operative writes, “According to sources, a chandelier in the Capitol crypt has fallen to the floor. No one is hurt.” ALL CAPITOL OPERATIVES ARE ORDERED to take pictures of the BANSHEE SPECTRE and send them to Wonkette. We need to catch this terrorist ghoul (and the Illegal Mexican Goblin too).

Iowa Republican Congressman Steve King is a known douchebag, and demographic trends suggest he is a racist too. What racist thing did racist Steve King say today? Just that the Muslim terrorists “will be dancing in the streets” if Obama is elected president, “and that has a chilling effect on how difficult it will be to ever win this global war on terror.” Yes, King Congressman, but will he get us universal health care?? MORE »

Ha ha, what the hell is wrong with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton? Clinton released her horrifying “a terrorist calls you at 3 a.m. and threatens to kill your babies, unless Hillary Clinton is president” ad this morning, and that defensive Obama has released a direct, snippy response already! His version — after the jump — is more like “a terrorist calls you at 3 a.m. and threatens to kill your babies, and Barack Obama never supported the War in Iraq.” MORE »