Wonkette

Rudy Giuliani, the greatest mayor of New York since Abraham Lincoln, has suddenly been unveiled as a “national security” surrogate for the McCain campaign and has started holding conference calls and interviews detailing how Barack Obama is literally Hitler and bin Laden, but more killing-er. Obama is naive Mr. September 10, while Giuliani and McCain are Mr. & Mrs. TUFF $EPTEMBER 12 PAYBACK. Here is one thing that Rudy actually said in a conference call today: “It is fair to say that Osama Bin Laden would be given new rights that nobody ever had before,” because Obama would pardon him and let him sleep in his Tony Rezko Mansion’s attic, the end. [TPM Election Central]

One of the funniest, tragic outcomes of Obama’s takeover of the Democrats is how certain factions of the party — white, rural “yellow dogs” or “blue reds” or “purple assholes,” depending on the current lexicon — cannot, at all, give support to Obama, for fear of losing support in their red-leaning districts. This comprises 10-25 Democratic members of Congress and virtually all Southern branches of the party. Now, silence is one thing. But when they start literally calling him a terrorist — as some Democratic leaders in Tennessee are doing — to distance themselves, then that might be a modest form of overkill. MORE »

Because of the damn terrorists, hobos will now have to take off the roaster chickens they use as footwear before boarding planes. In the Chicago area last Friday, a “motorist” noticed a whole roaster chicken, presumably on the road, stuffed not with innards or stuffing or golden trinkets, but with an IED, to blow up America. The bomb was defused by Authorities, and it’s a damn good thing — apparently that was one of those “unfriendly” bombs that hurts people: “Police Capt. Matthew Catania would not describe the bomb, but said it was ‘capable of causing harm to a person.’” Do not eat Roaster Chickens, ever. [Chicago Sun-Times]

And South Dakota Clinton supporter Cheryl Chamberlain takes the lead in the “Small Town Voters Who Shouldn’t Ever Talk To The Media” contest: “I won’t vote for Obama… You go on the Internet and see him associated with that church, with the Koran. He won’t wear a flag pin. … After 9/11, there is absolutely no way I’d support someone who is associated with the Koran. I won’t support terrorism.” In case you don’t get it, that mental leap chain is: Obama –> Internet –> Church –> Koran –> No Flag Pin –> 9/11 –> Koran –> Terrorist. [LA Times]

Joe Lieberman recently wrote to YouTube asking them to take down a bunch of terrorist training videos as well as any videos mentioning these terrorists and their training. And YouTube said, basically, that Grampa Joe could suck it, on account of the First Amendment. An excerpt from their blog after the jump. MORE »

After this morning’s speech where George W. Bush called Barack Obama a terrorist/Hitler, Barack Obama responded that this was false, and a Smear. How did “Icy Hot” White House Press Secretary Dana Perino respond then? By telling Barry that they weren’t talking about him, although it makes sense that his narcissistic ass would interpret it that way. MORE »

For those of you that were upset with George Stephanopoulos’ performance in the April 16 Democratic debate, you’ll now get a chance to be upset again! Georgie’s Sunday morning ABC teevee show, This Week, will broadcast live from Indiana with Hillary Clinton in a town hall setting. What questions will George throw in the mix this time? “Do you think that Jeremiah Wright, who is running for president in a big-nosed Barack Obama outfit, has bombed any Americas recently?” [Michael Calderone]

Remember how Barack Obama lost the great state of Pennsylvania because he was too busy eating his Hamas waffles to explain why he’s in league with the terrorists? What you might not know is that he made his dickish, wheedling plea to “let me eat my waffles” through a mouthful of those same waffles he purported not to be able to eat. (He is a contemptible liar.) Watch Mumbly Joe Obama totally ducking important foreign policy questions, and eating waffles, in this video. And then see this other less good video of exactly the same thing after the jump! MORE »

A hobo in New York came across SECRET/ CONFIDENTIAL plans for the new World Trade Center buildings in some trash can in SoHo. “Experts said the detailed, floor-by-floor schematics contain enough detail for terrorists to plot a devastating attack. ‘Secure Document - Confidential,’ warns the title page on each of the two copies of the 150-page schematic that a homeless, recovering drug addict discovered in the public trash can.” Phew, good thing this hobo wasn’t Osama! It sure requires intense knowledge of the circuit boards in the building when you’re planning to blow it up with a 747. Now that hobo can enjoy being famous, in Guantanamo Bay. [NY Post]

Last fall, David Horowitz and his neocon pals held the famous Islamo-Fascism awareness week all over America’s college campuses. Its theme was that Islamos tend to moonlight as Fascists, with Terrorism as their prophet. It was such a glorious festival that they have decided to have another, and it’s somehow been going on all this week! The agenda: Stop the Mooslims from killing Jews. [Terrorism Awareness] MORE »

You — yes you, the American terrorist citizen — will have to pay for Dick Cheney’s security detail and personal safety for the rest of your life. Even when China has decided to pull the rug out and take us over, you will still have to tithe to the Church of Mao’s holding account that will be used, for some reason, to protect Dick Cheney. Everything we just said is partially true. The Secret Service is proposing, for the first time in history, to grant the vice president its protective services for six months after he leaves office, to the tune of $4 million. Swell! And guess why? It’s not complicated. Just figure it out, geniuses.

Because of THE TERRORRRRRRRORORORRRRRISTS of course!

Although presidents and their spouses are entitled to Secret Service protection long after they depart the White House, federal law authorizes protective services for the vice president and his immediate family only during his time in office. Extending Cheney’s detail would require a directive from the president or a joint resolution of Congress.

“We believe that it’s a pretty safe bet with the threat environment we face today that Vice President Cheney will be afforded Secret Service protection upon his departure,” Sullivan told the House Appropriations subcommittee on homeland security last week.

Experts say such precautions make sense. The United States is at war abroad and faces the persistent threat of terrorism at home. Cheney, a principal architect of the administration’s foreign and national security policies, has been an unusually high-profile No. 2 — and would remain a target long after his term.

Because he is Too Big To Fall, and then the Federal Reserve will have to bail him out.

It would be a fitting end to the last eight years in Washington if Congress’ last (or first?) piece of legislation was a joint resolution to pay for Dick Cheney’s protection from The Terrorists while he is a private citizen.

Cheney Could Keep Security Detail [Washington Post]

U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. MORE »

Here’s where we are: If you have any trace amount of “metal” on your person, or in your luggage, or anywhere in your life, you are a terrorist and cannot board airplanes. Did you forget, Average American? You are never supposed to do that. Some lady did forget, however, and was forced to remove her nipple piercings with a pair of pliers at airport security. She is very upset, too! MORE »