• A special “Welcome Back” to America’s congress, Congress, who have just returned from the least fun recess ever. They will now be expected to figure out a health care plan for a citizenry who insist that eating each other’s limbs is an effective means by which to debate health care plans. [Washington Post]
• People who know about such things disagree over whether sending more ground forces to Afghanistan will prevent future terrorist attacks or whether the key is doing a grassroots thing, whereby the Afghans learn to hate terrorism on their own. [New York Times]
• Oh good: jobless Americans have taken to forming quasi ad-hoc local militia supplements to our country’s police forces. [Wall Street Journal]
• Macaroni virtuosos Kraft Foods will purchase Cadbury, they of the Eggs, whether Cadbury likes it or not. [Reuters]
• Joe Kennedy II will not be running for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, making the race a novel Kennedy-less one so far. [Los Angeles Times]
• Three British men were convicted on charges of unsuccessful terrorism for their botched plan to blow up seven North America-bound planes. [AP]

Did you know that back in 2002 charming Dr. Strangelove extra Dick Cheney wanted to deploy American troops to Buffalo, New York? Little known outside the nightmares of national security insiders, Buffalo, or “جاموس ” is a remote hellscape in Kashmir ruled by tribal warlords and their thuggish philosopher-king, Vincent Gallo. It was also the home of the “Lackawanna Six,” a group of terrorism suspects who Cheney wanted to arrest in spite of (because of??) the lack of evidence against them. MORE »

Why has the MSM been sitting on this explosive story? Sonia Sotomayor supports the harmeless Puerto Rican Legal Defense and Education Fund, which makes her as deadly as that unrepentant domestic terrorist who now teaches at the University of Illinois at Chicago (a well-known jihadist training ground in the caves of Lake Michigan). Can Sonia Sotomayor serve on the Supreme Court when we have never seen her long form birth certificate or received any reassurance that she isn’t a human-animal hybrid? [YouTube]

• CLONE ARMY? THE HOLOCAUST BUT WITH MUSLIMS? If you haven’t already, read this whole terrifying story about the NEWLY DISCOVERED CHENEY/CIA-ONLY SECRET PROGRAM, and enjoy reading Official Sources tease like mad jackals, along the lines of, “Can’t tell you what the program was, but man… that was… whew… holy fucking shit… just damn.” Leon Clinton Panetta only found out about this Other Program’s existence on June 23, and cancelled the dickens out of it one hour later! Oy. Just scan through the Seymour Hersh tag; it sounds like the Secret Band of Assassins thing. [NYT]

Let’s get it out of the way: Barack Obama said a word in Arabic to the Saudi King! How many of these Arabic “words” does he secretly know? What we need is more Ed Henry-type reporter antiheroes to pin this down, before “Judgment Day.” MORE »

Well, this would certainly explain why Colorado is under constant assault from terrorist organizations seeking to free their own, and why the whole state has descended into a state of anarchy as Terrorist Cooties spread faster than the swine flu. “Thirty-three international terrorists, many with ties to al-Qaeda, reside in a single federal prison in Florence, Colo., with little public notice,” announces the Washington Post. THANKS DUDES YOU JUST TOLD AL QAEDA WHERE TO LOOK. [Washington Post]

We have scanned the YouTubes for the snarliest of snarly Dick Cheney quotes this morning, because THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO COVER TODAY, ugh, and decided this part was better than the ones in which he insults the New York Times and the United States Senate and the “left-wing of the president’s party” and whatever else. Cheney argues that these LEGAL DEBATES are making America look like fags to the Terrorists, so we need to stop it with the “distractions,” which do not include mean old Dick Cheney going on the teevee every day, bitching about how Obama won’t release certain documents he needs to spice up his memoirs. [YouTube]

Here’s some service-y journalism for you, so you can enjoy everybody else screaming and otherwise going nuts after midnight, when Air Force fighter jets begin a two-night assault on Washington’s fragile psyche. “A pair of F-16 fighter jets are scheduled to make periodic passes over downtown Washington at relatively low altitudes early tomorrow and again in the predawn hours Wednesday as part of a military exercise,” the Washington Post reports just late enough in the day for nobody to hear the news. Luckily nobody ever freaks out when huge scary low-flying roaring jets just pointlessly scare the shit out of everybody in the middle of the night. [Washington Post]

The worst writer in America, Richard Cohen — that thoughtless, valueless, condescending, sociopathic sexist poster-boy for the vapidity of the Washington Post’s opinion section — has written such inconsistent snot today that for once, we’re not the only blog making fun of him. He even opened with a smug little “Blogger alert” — “I have written a column in defense of Dick Cheney” — as a holier-than-thou excuse to do no research for his barking, again. The blogs did not pay attention. Others have already pointed out that in his column two weeks ago he declared that torture “unequivocally” works and that any debate about such would be “silly,” while today he writes that despite his disdain (oh?) for Cheney, “I have to wonder whether what he is saying now is the truth — i.e., torture works.” But we thought “wondering” was only something a gay Frenchman would do? MORE »

A big “thank you” to the Republican party for picking this “new” political strategy, “Democrats Are Still Gay For Terrorists,” after they got bored with economics. Now we will have classic 9/11 fearmongering comedy videos all the time once again. MORE »

John Boehner made this funny thriller movie last week, but guess what, we just saw it for the first time, so deal. It’s about how Barack Obama is the Muslim who caused 9/11 and wants more white people to die, so vote Republican next time you vote on something! (Can you imagine how excited the Republican leadership would be if a few American cities got nuked under Obama’s watch?) [YouTube]