Wonkette

Remember to leave your stockings out tonight, kids, because 9/11 comes but once a year! Rudy Giuliani will fly on his 9/11 Sleigh pulled by eight rats to deliver gifts to the world’s non-Muslim children — a ritual dating back to the First 9/11, when George W. Bush ordered Americans to go to the mall and buy shit to show Resolve. What will Rudy bring you this year? If you’re lucky, it’ll be a… fwuitcake! [YouTube]

Hey everyone, it’s September 9 today, meaning that in only two days it’ll be… what will it be?… uh oh, WE FORGOT. HA HA HA, boy howdy. But yes: in two days it will be the seven (7) year anniversary of the day Rudy Giuliani couldn’t protect his own city from being attacked by commercial airplanes. And so for the next few days the Main Stream Media will “celebrate” with a slew of op-eds that sound like they were written in October, 2001. In today’s New York Times, for example, the Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg has written the most terrifying, apocalyptic piece so far this season: that we have a 50% chance of getting nuked by terrorists in the next 10 years, according to Experts. MORE »

You may have seen Rudy Giuliani, a stupid fucking idiot, all over the teevee during the Democratic National Convention. Today he visited a TERRORISM EXHIBIT in Denver, one which he probably created in the last year just so he could tour it during the Democratic National Convention. He said that we must Never Regret, or what is it, Never Fret, or Never Forfeit, or FORGET, because “that’s the kind of thinking that got us into the problem into the first place.” Hey man, we’re sure everyone in America hopes that anti-terrorism government officials are doing their best. And we’re also hoping that the mayors of major American cities are protecting their cities from obvious shit like planes flying into buildings. [CBS News]

Many of us freaked out today when John McCain voiced this unusual piece of his mind: “I think it’s very clear that Russian ambitions are to restore the old Russian Empire. Not the Soviet Union, but the Russian Empire.” How does anyone arrive at that after reading about the situation between Russia and Georgia? Jesus. But then again, are we just getting soft? Think back to the glory days of the Republican primary season. All of the candidates launched into over-the-top fear babble of this nature on a daily basis, and it was usually more insane! So let’s check out two of our favorite ads from late last year — one from Mitt Romney and another from Rudy Giuliani — and laugh at monstrous bullshit all over again. MORE »

He’s got most of the money remaining in the U.S. economy, and yet. Barack Obama’s plane, a rickety old hackjob called an “MD-80 Midwest charter,” was going to crash into a World Trade Center today en route from Chicago to Charlotte — it was just that broken! Alas, his terrible pilots were forced to make an emergency landing in Missouri. Hey, Missouri… that’s one of those whatchamacallits… border states… slave states… oh that’s right, it’s a swing state. What a fortuitous terrorist crash landing! MORE »

Top McCain strategist Charlie Black — the one who lobbies for Iran — dominated this afternoon’s 2-hour news cycle by saying in an interview with Fortune magazine that if we had a terrorist attack right now, “Certainly it would be a big advantage” for John McCain. This line, of course, meant everyone had to feign shock over an accurate political truth, but voiced thus — that if there were a terrorist attack today, Barack Obama would be behind it, potentially hurting his electoral prospects. MORE »

We all remember Fred Hobbs, the proud member of Tennessee’s Democratic Executive Committee who recently confessed that he thought Barack Obama was “terrorist-connected.” He has been apologizing all week, and in a letter to colleagues he explained what was running through his mind: his comments “did reflect questions I had after what I had seen reported on Fox News, but I should have taken some time to check the accuracy of what I saw on television before speaking publicly.” Fred added that he also doesn’t know how to drink water or walk without falling sideways, or whatever it is the human beings are doing these days. [Chattanooga Times Free Press]

Rudy Giuliani, the greatest mayor of New York since Abraham Lincoln, has suddenly been unveiled as a “national security” surrogate for the McCain campaign and has started holding conference calls and interviews detailing how Barack Obama is literally Hitler and bin Laden, but more killing-er. Obama is naive Mr. September 10, while Giuliani and McCain are Mr. & Mrs. TUFF $EPTEMBER 12 PAYBACK. Here is one thing that Rudy actually said in a conference call today: “It is fair to say that Osama Bin Laden would be given new rights that nobody ever had before,” because Obama would pardon him and let him sleep in his Tony Rezko Mansion’s attic, the end. [TPM Election Central]

One of the funniest, tragic outcomes of Obama’s takeover of the Democrats is how certain factions of the party — white, rural “yellow dogs” or “blue reds” or “purple assholes,” depending on the current lexicon — cannot, at all, give support to Obama, for fear of losing support in their red-leaning districts. This comprises 10-25 Democratic members of Congress and virtually all Southern branches of the party. Now, silence is one thing. But when they start literally calling him a terrorist — as some Democratic leaders in Tennessee are doing — to distance themselves, then that might be a modest form of overkill. MORE »

Because of the damn terrorists, hobos will now have to take off the roaster chickens they use as footwear before boarding planes. In the Chicago area last Friday, a “motorist” noticed a whole roaster chicken, presumably on the road, stuffed not with innards or stuffing or golden trinkets, but with an IED, to blow up America. The bomb was defused by Authorities, and it’s a damn good thing — apparently that was one of those “unfriendly” bombs that hurts people: “Police Capt. Matthew Catania would not describe the bomb, but said it was ‘capable of causing harm to a person.’” Do not eat Roaster Chickens, ever. [Chicago Sun-Times]

And South Dakota Clinton supporter Cheryl Chamberlain takes the lead in the “Small Town Voters Who Shouldn’t Ever Talk To The Media” contest: “I won’t vote for Obama… You go on the Internet and see him associated with that church, with the Koran. He won’t wear a flag pin. … After 9/11, there is absolutely no way I’d support someone who is associated with the Koran. I won’t support terrorism.” In case you don’t get it, that mental leap chain is: Obama –> Internet –> Church –> Koran –> No Flag Pin –> 9/11 –> Koran –> Terrorist. [LA Times]

Joe Lieberman recently wrote to YouTube asking them to take down a bunch of terrorist training videos as well as any videos mentioning these terrorists and their training. And YouTube said, basically, that Grampa Joe could suck it, on account of the First Amendment. An excerpt from their blog after the jump. MORE »

After this morning’s speech where George W. Bush called Barack Obama a terrorist/Hitler, Barack Obama responded that this was false, and a Smear. How did “Icy Hot” White House Press Secretary Dana Perino respond then? By telling Barry that they weren’t talking about him, although it makes sense that his narcissistic ass would interpret it that way. MORE »