Let’s get it out of the way: Barack Obama said a word in Arabic to the Saudi King! How many of these Arabic “words” does he secretly know? What we need is more Ed Henry-type reporter antiheroes to pin this down, before “Judgment Day.” MORE »

Well, this would certainly explain why Colorado is under constant assault from terrorist organizations seeking to free their own, and why the whole state has descended into a state of anarchy as Terrorist Cooties spread faster than the swine flu. “Thirty-three international terrorists, many with ties to al-Qaeda, reside in a single federal prison in Florence, Colo., with little public notice,” announces the Washington Post. THANKS DUDES YOU JUST TOLD AL QAEDA WHERE TO LOOK. [Washington Post]

We have scanned the YouTubes for the snarliest of snarly Dick Cheney quotes this morning, because THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO COVER TODAY, ugh, and decided this part was better than the ones in which he insults the New York Times and the United States Senate and the “left-wing of the president’s party” and whatever else. Cheney argues that these LEGAL DEBATES are making America look like fags to the Terrorists, so we need to stop it with the “distractions,” which do not include mean old Dick Cheney going on the teevee every day, bitching about how Obama won’t release certain documents he needs to spice up his memoirs. [YouTube]

Here’s some service-y journalism for you, so you can enjoy everybody else screaming and otherwise going nuts after midnight, when Air Force fighter jets begin a two-night assault on Washington’s fragile psyche. “A pair of F-16 fighter jets are scheduled to make periodic passes over downtown Washington at relatively low altitudes early tomorrow and again in the predawn hours Wednesday as part of a military exercise,” the Washington Post reports just late enough in the day for nobody to hear the news. Luckily nobody ever freaks out when huge scary low-flying roaring jets just pointlessly scare the shit out of everybody in the middle of the night. [Washington Post]

The worst writer in America, Richard Cohen — that thoughtless, valueless, condescending, sociopathic sexist poster-boy for the vapidity of the Washington Post’s opinion section — has written such inconsistent snot today that for once, we’re not the only blog making fun of him. He even opened with a smug little “Blogger alert” — “I have written a column in defense of Dick Cheney” — as a holier-than-thou excuse to do no research for his barking, again. The blogs did not pay attention. Others have already pointed out that in his column two weeks ago he declared that torture “unequivocally” works and that any debate about such would be “silly,” while today he writes that despite his disdain (oh?) for Cheney, “I have to wonder whether what he is saying now is the truth — i.e., torture works.” But we thought “wondering” was only something a gay Frenchman would do? MORE »

A big “thank you” to the Republican party for picking this “new” political strategy, “Democrats Are Still Gay For Terrorists,” after they got bored with economics. Now we will have classic 9/11 fearmongering comedy videos all the time once again. MORE »

John Boehner made this funny thriller movie last week, but guess what, we just saw it for the first time, so deal. It’s about how Barack Obama is the Muslim who caused 9/11 and wants more white people to die, so vote Republican next time you vote on something! (Can you imagine how excited the Republican leadership would be if a few American cities got nuked under Obama’s watch?) [YouTube]

What caused the brief and pretty boring evacuation of the Capitol Visitor Center at 11:25 a.m.? Did the vanilla-chai teabags reach a Singularity? No it was a fire alarm everybody calm the fuck down. A mysterious staffer, “Em-bot,” sent us the entire drama, as represented in Capitol Police emails. It is exciting, if you are excited by, say, Twitter. MORE »

Just a few short years ago, Americans huddled in their underground bunkers worrying that Saddam Hussein was coming to bomb them, personally. Now Americans huddle in their underground bunkers worrying that they’re going to have to tap into their emergency supplies of Hobo Beans — but at least they’re not afraid of the terrorists anymore! MORE »

Whoa hey how’d the Entire News Media miss this one? Especially considering the main things we all jabber about, these days, are stock prices and whatever Jon Stewart said about Jim Cramer …. Anyway, get out your duct tape because a certified American Nazi was building a “dirty bomb” which he apparently planned to explode at Obama’s Inauguration. All the radioactive and bomb-making shit was in his house — you know, the one with the Nazi Flag, in Maine — and his plans were moving along just fine until his wife shot the motherfucker dead, the end? MORE »

DC has adopted its first gay landmark! It is the second “official” gay landmark in America, right after the Stonewall Inn in New York and Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace. [DCist] MORE »