ZOMBIE CUR TERRORIZES WHITE HOUSE: Oh yes speaking of Michelle Obama and her adorable talk with the cute childrens yesterday: “the president and his wife lie awake at night as they listen to the febrile skritching of a maniacal hell-hound chasing a ball up and down the hall, forever and ever, much like those creepy little girl ghosts in The Shining.” {Sara’s NBC Thing]

NOBAMA, EVER: Did you know the (fake) Mumbai terror attacks will soon lead to a nuclear war and then Bush declares Martial Law and Obama can’t become president and then a rogue planet will come to kill us all? So sayeth the Internets. [Boing Boing]

THE GREAT THANKSGIVING WARS: “A mob of bargain-crazed cretins smashed down the glass doors of a Long Island Wal-Mart and stomped the life out of a gentle man hired by a temporary agency to mind the store. Across the country in a Palm Desert strip mall, a bloody fistfight between two charming young women ended with two men dead, after a gunfight in the aisles of Toys R Us.” [AOL Political Machine]

Hey did you hear Barack Obama is doing this worldwide terror tour with his senator friends? Look at those crowds, of soldiers! (Yes, also a lot of them are black. This is true in real life, too.) We can’t really hear what Obama is saying, but he gets a lot of applause, and then he makes a THREE-POINTER FROM DOWNTOWN and he hasn’t even changed into workout clothes. [YouTube]

Remember when those nuts on the right, Michelle Malkin and Charles Johnson, condemned beloved fast food bakery Dunkin’ Donuts for letting teevee chef Rachael Ray wear a Palestinian scarf in this ad? Dunkin’ Donuts first released a statement saying that no, it was not the Palestinian kaffiyeh design at all, just paisley, and a SCARF. Despite being categorically incorrect, the wingnuts have somehow “won” and Dunkin’ Donuts will pull the ad due to the “possibility of misperception.” Jesus. [Boston Globe]

Here is Barack Obama playing pool last night, before a Bitter Shadow crosses his face and turns him into some serial killer monster thing from Muslim Hell. He is a terribly evil man, and he is coming for you. [Getty Photo]

A long time ago in the 1990s there was this teevee program called The X-Files — a creepy mix of Nixon-era political conspiracy, the occult, fake terror attacks, FEMA killing everybody, and Space Demons. It seemed completely fantastic until 2001, when Dick Cheney and George W. Bush began their reign of horror. And finally, after years of silence, the creators of the X-Files are talking about how this administration stole all their ideas, even 9/11! MORE »

START YOUR TERRORIST PHONE CALLS AGAIN, EVERYBODY! The FBI is broke and can’t afford to eavesdrop on all of our personal calls and instant messages and emails and everything, so let’s get back to that secret terror project to blow up Mars. [AP/Google]

A totally unbiased organization called Family Security Matters has released a list of the most dangerous organizations in America. Terror cells? Secret Masonic cabals? Roving bands of mad bioterrorists? Nope! It’s mostly web sites. And Code Pink. Oh, and all colleges and universities. Wonkette didn’t make the list.

Here’s something to make you feel a little less comfortable about your life and the chances of it continuing beyond today: Some lunatic in Baltimore hijacked a tanker truck carrying 7,100 gallons of diesel. The truck is a bright-red Peterbilt carrying a metal tanker — both have “Baltimore Tank Lines” painted on the sides.

And check out the culprit, described as “a man in a blue jumpsuit who had been hiding in the sleeper portion of the cab.” WTF? So the driver was filling up the tank and then returned to the cab and then this blue-jumpsuited freak hops out with a semi-automatic pistol. The hijacked death bomb was last seen headed to I-95. Duck, everybody!

Police Search For Hijacked Tanker Truck [WBAL 11]

“Three days after Americans saw the Bush administration’s counterterrorism chief say the Iraq war has likely not made the United States safer from terrorism, the official announced his resignation, citing health reasons.” [ABC Blotter]