Tag Archives: terror

  Head Games

Oklahoma Jihad Update: Please Be More Afraid. You Are Not Afraid Enough Yet

A sneakiy new tactic to blend in
On Friday, we brought you the story of a horrific murder committed in Moore, Oklahoma. Alton Nolen, a man who was fired from his job at a produce processing plant, killed one woman and injured a second, and now the wingnuttosphere is in a tizzy about jihad in Oklahoma, because Nolen was said by co-workers to have tried, unsuccessfully, to convince others to convert. Therefore, in the minds of top thinkers like Pam Geller and Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, Nolen’s rampage is the inevitable result of Islam, and anyone who thinks this was merely “workplace violence” is willfully blind to the reality of the Muslim Threat. See, for instance this bit of screaming from Hoft today: Read more on Oklahoma Jihad Update: Please Be More Afraid. You Are Not Afraid Enough Yet…
  We'll Do It Live

Bill O’Reilly Recruiting Mercenaries To Win The War On Terror, Enlist Now!

Why is Kelsey Grammar even there?
Splotchy tomato-cheeked bully Bill O’Reilly used his television program Monday¬†night to propose his swell idea to Win The War On Terror: recruit and train 25,000 mercenaries to attack and defeat the forces of the Islamic State, also known as ISIS. He already has a named picked out for his “elite force” and everything: the Anti-Terror Army. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Recruiting Mercenaries To Win The War On Terror, Enlist Now!…
  but george w. bush is white!

George W. Bush Apologizes To Muslim Country For Killing Korans

Did you hear the latest reason fringe-right American bigots hate their U.S. president, Barack Obama? It’s because insane American soldiers are burning Korans in Afghanistan, at their giant army base prisons all over the country, and this is causing riots and murders and craziness, and the American government has apologized for this outrage … which is itself an outrage, if you are a bigot wingnut. But we didn’t really hear so much about the evil of apologizing for destroying our supposed allies’ holy religious books when George W. Bush was doing the apologizing, to Iraq, in 2008. Read more on George W. Bush Apologizes To Muslim Country For Killing Korans…
  hearts and minds

America Now Burning Korans In Garbage Piles, In Afghanistan

You have probably deduced, after sort of paying attention to the “War On Terror” for more than a decades, that the “War in Afghanistan” has no purpose whatsoever. This would be incorrect. The purpose of the wars against Afghanistan and Iraq and Libya and Pakistan and Yemen and whatever Islamic countries we forgot to mention is to create Islamic terrorists. It’s hard work! You need to piss on a lot of dead Afghan soldiers and bomb a lot of kids at wedding parties and, of course, burn great piles of Qurans, in the garbage, if you’re going to get four or five dudes riled up enough to try to blow up a mailbox outside an embassy or something. Read more on America Now Burning Korans In Garbage Piles, In Afghanistan…
  terror from the skies

NASA Now Says Falling Satellite Will Maybe Destroy America Today

Have you heard about that no-big-deal falling six-ton bus-sized satellite that wasn’t really a risk for the United States? Well, NASA just changed its story, and now the U.S. is in the path of destruction. The satellite will fall out of space in a few hours. It might break up into pieces that mostly slam into the oceans, and it might kill you and everyone you love. Then again, it might kill people you don’t love. So, think of it as your own erratic U.S. predator drone or Angel of Death. Read more on NASA Now Says Falling Satellite Will Maybe Destroy America Today…
  war all the time

U.S. Wingnuts Ready To Pretend-Attack Norway Bombers/Shooters

Nobody knows what’s really going on in Oslo or at the holiday camp island in Norway where a bombing and a shooting have left many people dead, but it’s always safe for American Idiots on the Internet to jump in with a suspect (“Muslims”) and a verdict (“guilty”) and a list of co-conspirators (“Obama and the liberals”) and a punishment (“kill ‘em all”). No matter that a tall blond man of “Norwegian appearance” and wearing a police uniform is described as the shooter on Norway’s Utoya Island — thee muslins are increasingly able to appear as whatever people or things they want to appear as, just like the Cylons or Harry Potter. Here’s what the foreign policy experts at FreeRepublic.com are saying about the attacks right now. Read more on U.S. Wingnuts Ready To Pretend-Attack Norway Bombers/Shooters…
  it's morning in america

Beware the Nuclear Meltdown Ides of March

Happy March 15, a day of disaster made famous by the haunting line “beware the Ides of March” — from one of Shakespeare’s most revered works, The Muppet Christmas Carol. (SPOILER: Caesar ignores this prophetic warning and then gets foreclosed on by Fozzie Bear.) Anyway, you’ve probably already heard about that third, devastating explosion at the Fukushima nuclear power plant. Things have basically just gotten worse since then! Although radiation measurements at the facility’s main gate have decreased significantly, radiation levels are still 20 times greater than normal in Tokyo, 170 miles south of the plant. France’s nuclear watchdog rates the Fukushima crisis a “six on a seven-point scale of gravity.” Also, just to add to the hysteria: “A fake text message warning people that radiation from the Fukushima nuclear plant has leaked beyond Japan has been panicking people across Asia.” Good grief. [NYT] Read more on Beware the Nuclear Meltdown Ides of March… Read more on Beware the Nuclear Meltdown Ides of March…
  blood libel blood libel blood libel

Wonkbot Fireside Chat: It Is Jewish Blood Libel To Annoy the Wonkbot

The Wonkbot was just kicking it old-style at its tacky lakefront tract McMansion up in some snowbilly suburb by the Taco Bell and Big Lots! and Home Depot and army recruiting strip mall shop and then the Wonkbot thought, “People somewhere are doing a Jew Blood Libel on me!” So here is the “state of the nation address” as delivered by some government surplus sex robot with its fireplace and burning American Flags. Read more on Wonkbot Fireside Chat: It Is Jewish Blood Libel To Annoy the Wonkbot…
  emotional weather report

Wonkbot Threat Level: Snowy, Fearful

It’s a good thing America “calmed down” after the weekend massacres! Now we can get back to worrying about snow, dead animals everywhere, exploding BMWs around the Pentagon/CIA, flooding in Australia, and more massacres. The Terror Threat Alert Level is “super dooper high” and our guest presenter “The Snooki” was going to illustrate this with syphilis but instead we drew survey marks on her head and sent her to get a GED. Who wins? America wins! Also the Wonkbot has finally thrown out your teevee with all its vulgar garbage inside. Read more on Wonkbot Threat Level: Snowy, Fearful…
  john boehner can read?

Terror Threat Level: Very Orange

Whoa what even happened in the House of Representatives today? Those dudes are trying to prove they can read? Very fancy. Our special U.S. GOP Terror Threat Alert Robot can also read, with her mind, which is a computer chip from a spaceship. And the Wonkbot TSA-1138 has now been programmed to read the Facebook page of John Boehner. It is almost like if someone had sex inside your ear, plus you had died a while ago, from Obamacare. Read more on Terror Threat Level: Very Orange…
  is that john boehner?

Terror Threat Level: Orange Alligators and Baja Fresh Gunmen

How bad are things out there this evening, terror-wise? Super bad! In Florida, there is an orange alligator loose. Who would make such a monster? No god we know, that is for sure. Not in America. Also, in the most American fast food place (Baja Fresh) in some mall in some Arizona turd town, a gunman went nuts. Nobody knows what he wanted. More tacos? Probably more tacos. Read more on Terror Threat Level: Orange Alligators and Baja Fresh Gunmen…
  war all the time

Rabbi At Temple Targeted By Explosives Has Sane, Un-American Response

That parcel-terror plot apparently involved explosives being mailed to a couple of Chicago synagogues. You know, because Chicago synagogues are very much responsible for the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and whatever else (everything) now included in the War Upon the Terror. President Obama says he’s “very concerned” and will “keep using robot death drones to drop bombs on wedding parties in Pakistan, due to this serious threat to Liberty.” The important thing is how you will be further debased during any attempts at holiday travel. After all, toner cartridges with explosives inside them were FedEx’d from Yemen. Isn’t that an extremely good reason for your young children to be strip-searched and anally probed by morbidly obese high-school dropouts while you’re just trying to fly to Vermont for Christmas? Read more on Rabbi At Temple Targeted By Explosives Has Sane, Un-American Response…
  multi-media matters

Glenn Beck Never ‘Endorsed’ the Ground Zero Imam, No Matter What George Soros Tells You

The video historians at Media Matters for America got the attention of radical patriot Glenn Beck for spreading around a movie showing him shooting the shizz with Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf — the doom-force behind Manhattan’s proposed Cordoba House not-mosque — and teevee lady Diane Sawyer about why it’s annoying how Islamic radicals get so danged worked up every time some cartoonist draws Muhammad doing a funny thing. In the video, recorded in 2006, Beck seems to agree with Rauf that not all Muslims are radical killer-Muslims, and even appears to gesture toward the imam as he talks about Good Muslims. But now that Beck is earning money by ranting about Rauf and his “ties,” he is like, “I never endorsed that guy, so quit making things up.” But is Beck making things up, by saying people are making things up? Read more on Glenn Beck Never ‘Endorsed’ the Ground Zero Imam, No Matter What George Soros Tells You…
  War on Bugs

America’s Bedbug Infestation Requires Military Intervention

Bedbugs! They’re destroying Freedom & Liberty even faster than Debbie Riddle and terror babies combined. In Ohio and several other states, the critters have become so unruly that local governments are calling on the feds — including the Department of Defense — to help find a solution. Read more on America’s Bedbug Infestation Requires Military Intervention…
  Photos inside!

Meet Debbie Riddle, Terror Baby Expert

Texas state house representative Debbie Riddle went on CNN to talk to Anderson Cooper about “ill-iggles” immigrating here unlawfully, and brought up the latest threat to America: the TERROR BABIES. Terror babies are even more terrifying than standard-issue anchor babies, because their foreigner moms come here to America specifically to birth them, haul them back to whatever country, and raise them to become terrists. Then the babies come back here as terror-adults and ruin things. Who is Debbie Riddle, and how did she come to know all about this evil infant scourge? Read more on Meet Debbie Riddle, Terror Baby Expert…
  foreigners are dangerous

E-Passport Parts Come from a Terrorist Town (Not Prescott, Arizona)

The muckrakers at the Center for Public Integrity teamed up with Disney News to uncover a TERRIBLE, FRIGHTENING THING: electronic parts for our fancy new e-passports are being assembled in Thailand, a nation of “killer” pad thai and also TERRORISM. Why aren’t our e-passports made right here in the safe and secure, chillin’ and grillin’, paintball-playin’ US? Read more on E-Passport Parts Come from a Terrorist Town (Not Prescott, Arizona)…
  hooray!

Afghanistan Jackpot! It’s Filled With Precious Metals!

If you thought Afghanistan was only profitable for opium wholesalers and the defense industry, think again! According to some convenient new geological study of the mountainous, wild land that has broken the backs of so many empires, the whole place is chock full of precious metals — $1 trillion in reserves, maybe, including “huge veins of iron, copper, cobalt, gold and critical industrial metals like lithium.” This is great news for somebody, but we’re betting it’s not going to be particularly good for the Afghan people, the American military people, the other NATO military people, the U.S. taxpayer, anybody vaguely concerned about Pakistani nukes raining down upon London or New York, the mental condition of angry loners considering leaving car bombs in Times Square, or people stocking up on gold right now. Read more on Afghanistan Jackpot! It’s Filled With Precious Metals!…
  fap fap fap

Single Comical, Failed Underpants Bomber Rewrites Entire Government Agenda

Now hopefully you all didn’t forget that in America, we only address domestic issues such as energy, transportation, health care, jobs, etc. when there is either a real or imagined lull in NATIONAL TERROR AND WAR issues about which we can do nothing to fully protect ourselves, did you? Because now the lull is over, so stop whining about your personal bankruptcy problems! This one retarded Nigerian crispy penis airplane man who may or may not have been involved with a sub-division of Al Qaeda has officially freaked out an entire nation and rewritten the Obama Adminstration’s agenda, forever. It’s a good thing Terrorists never expect a whiny titty baby nation to comically overrreact to every attempted plot they pretend to undertake, right? Read more on Single Comical, Failed Underpants Bomber Rewrites Entire Government Agenda…
  hellhounds

ZOMBIE CUR TERRORIZES WHITE HOUSE: Oh yes speaking of Michelle Obama and her adorable talk with the cute childrens yesterday: “the president and his wife lie awake at night as they listen to the febrile skritching of a maniacal hell-hound chasing a ball up and down the hall, forever and ever, much like those creepy little girl ghosts in The Shining.” {Sara’s NBC Thing] Read more on …