Tag Archives: tennessee

  Exploding Foamy Pig Doots II: Electric Poopaloo

Mean Enviros Won’t Let Tenn. State Rep. Throw Pig Carcasses All Over The Place, Except They Did

Have you seen the little piggies in their starched white shirts?
Let’s just call this story “Son Of Exploding Foamy Pig Doots,” shall we? Except there’s no exploding, and the foaming is mostly just a froth of pure pigshit coming from Tennessee state Rep. Andy Holt, who is quite certain that no sir his hog farm did NOT get any special treatment from regulators, even though he operated for years without a permit, left hog carcasses lying around unburied, and pumped half a million gallons of hogshit into a creek near his farm. Read more on Mean Enviros Won’t Let Tenn. State Rep. Throw Pig Carcasses All Over The Place, Except They Did…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  What First Amendment?

Let’s Just Count All The States That Aren’t Trying To Make The Bible Their Official State Book

Time for another history lesson
Congratulations, Tennessee, you’re now on the distinguished list of states who need a quick refresher in How Does The First Amendment Work, No Really, How? You can thank your new state Rep. Jerry Sexton (R-No Surprise) for proposing legislation to make the Holy Bible “the official state book.” Gosh, why might that be a problem? Read more on Let’s Just Count All The States That Aren’t Trying To Make The Bible Their Official State Book…
  ain't no poors on ole rocky top

Tennessee Continues Long Tradition Of Hurting Poors, Totally Sucking

Volunteer this. Stupid poors.
Last year, Tennessee (state motto: We’re Vaguely Rectangular!) got into the hot new game of drug testing welfare recipients to make sure that none of them were spending their time having any fun. Because what good is having poor people if you can’t systematically scold and humiliate them for being poor? Now the results of the first six months of testing are in, and how are they? A rousing success, if your definition of success is busting a whopping 0.2 percent of people who applied for public assistance. Read more on Tennessee Continues Long Tradition Of Hurting Poors, Totally Sucking…
  I call them Bonkers and Yip-Yap and you can too!

Wonkette Chats With Tennessee Couple Gay-Marrying Their Way To The Supreme Court!

WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE, everyone! We learned on Friday that June is the appointed time for the Supreme Court to cram gay marriage down every American throat, due to the fact that the Sixth Circuit, overseeing Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky and this particular Wonket’s state of Tennessee, became the first to say “TOO GAY, JOSE!”, upholding those states’ bans on marriage equality for, as our Kaili wrote at the time, “stupid reasons that are dumb.” This caused a circuit split, and, just as Justice Ginsburg suggested would happen a couple months back, SCOTUS has now granted a Writ of ‘Bout to Overturn Your Ass to all the cases so America can finally achieve its dream of being a fully gay nation. Read more on Wonkette Chats With Tennessee Couple Gay-Marrying Their Way To The Supreme Court!…
  The Decisis Stares Back At You

SCOTUS: Everyone’s Getting Gay-Marriage Throat-Crammed This June

Have fun biting your nails
Well, we saw this one coming: The Supreme Court will (probably) decide once and for all whether states can ban gay marriage. The Court agreed Friday to review the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals’ decision in DeBoer v. Snyder, which is the only one of a recent string of federal appeals court decisions to hold that four states — Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Ohio — can restrict marriage to straight people only. Read more on SCOTUS: Everyone’s Getting Gay-Marriage Throat-Crammed This June…
  Who knew health care for kids was popular?

Tennessee To Be Next State To Insure More Kids, Despite Dastardly Obama

Everyone's favorite mascot is back
Tennessee Gov. Bill Haslam wants to extend CHIP! Which stands for Children’s Health Insurance Program! Which insures low-income kids, on the theory that even poor kids should be able to see a doctor when they are sick! Wait, what? We thought Tennessee was against Insuring the Poor. Haslam declined Medicaid expansion for Tennessee in 2012, saying crazy things such as: Read more on Tennessee To Be Next State To Insure More Kids, Despite Dastardly Obama…
  The Black Magic School Bus

Nice Lady Sees Devil Symbol In School Bus Lights, Gets On TV

The devil's in my car
From Memphis, Tennessee, we have this important news of demon-possessed bus tail lights, thanks to easily upset Christian lady Robin Wilkins, who saw a star pattern in the LED taillights of a school bus. She decided it was a Satanic pentagram just like on a heavy metal record, and took her concerns to the local teevee station. Which aired them, of course, because why wouldn’t they? Read more on Nice Lady Sees Devil Symbol In School Bus Lights, Gets On TV…
  Education Nice Time!

Obama Proposes Free Community College; Will Terrify Wingnuts With Educated Populace

Bluto studied Photoshop at Estes Kefauver Community College
Now here’s a nice thing if you’re into “education” and “free stuff,” which of course you are, because you’re an over-educated socialist liberal. President Obama is heading to Tennessee today to announce a program that would provide qualified students with two years of free community college, as well as other reforms aimed at making higher education more accessible. Tell us more, New York Times: Read more on Obama Proposes Free Community College; Will Terrify Wingnuts With Educated Populace…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

This White Lady In Body Armor Shot All Her Neighbors And Lived To Tell! Your Gun Fun Holiday Roundup!

awwwwwww
Time for another of our periodic check-ins with the good guys what carry guns and keep us safe from tyranny with their steadfast devotion to Responsible Gun Ownership. First off, we have an inspiring tale from Texas, where Friend of Liberty Martin Gaytan regularly posted about his love of guns on Facebook, including a June repost of this inspiring and irrefutable case for why every American needs a gun: Read more on This White Lady In Body Armor Shot All Her Neighbors And Lived To Tell! Your Gun Fun Holiday Roundup!…
  Quiet Dignity

NYPD Cops Respect Fallen Officer Through Classy Political Stunt At Funeral

Hard to tell who or what is being faced here, but it is 'away,' we hear
Photo by Viorel Florescu, New York Daily News Just to prove how much they objected to Mayor Bill de Blasio’s inciting the murder of two policemen last week, hundreds (or possibly thousands) of NYPD officers attending a memorial service for one of the officers turned their backs on a video screen carrying de Blasio’s remarks during the funeral. It was a fitting display of contempt for a man who had dared to stir up hatred of police by telling his son that he needed to be careful around police, since they don’t always show love and respect for young black men, which is obviously just not true. De Blasio also apparently encouraged the murders by allowing widespread protests in New York after the grand jury decision in the killing of Eric Garner, because allowing criticism of police is precisely the same as calling for them to be murdered. Read more on NYPD Cops Respect Fallen Officer Through Classy Political Stunt At Funeral…
  Not Obamacare At All Nope Nope Nope

Tennessee Expands Medicaid, Gets Permission To Not Call It Obamacare

Everyone's favorite mascot is back
Well, here’s a bit of nice time: Tennessee has decided to opt in to the Affordable Care Act’s expansion of Medicaid after all. Of course Republican Gov. Bill Haslam is being very careful to depict the move as a victory over the oppressive federal government: it’s a pilot plan for a program called “Insure Tennessee,” and it’s only set to run two years. No way is this an embrace of the Big Government socialist takeover of healthcare. Sure, it’s going to use federal and state funds to provide coverage for healthcare for low-income Tennesseans, but it’s completely different from Medicaid expansion: Read more on Tennessee Expands Medicaid, Gets Permission To Not Call It Obamacare…
  Stick to TED Talks

Sixth Circuit Strikes Down Gay Marriage For Stupid Reasons That Are Dumb

But we're leaving out The Gay, right? Right!
Well, looky here, the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals has decided to cram homophobia down everyone’s throats. Talk about judicial activism! In a 2-1 decision, the three-judge panel — with the dissenter writing a most epic dissent, but we’ll get to that — ruled in DeBoer v. Snyder that it is perfectly fine and legal, and probably also good for the children, to ban marriage equality in Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, and Tennessee. The court uses a lot of fancy legal jargon like “strict scrutiny” and “rational basis review” and lots of citations to lots of cases to make it look like the judges are just doing their jobs, but when you cut out all of that lawtalk, the basic premise of the court’s decision to overturn the lower courts’ decisions is that, as judges, they cannot possibly decide whether it is constitutional to discriminate against gay people for being gay. What are they — judges? Read more on Sixth Circuit Strikes Down Gay Marriage For Stupid Reasons That Are Dumb…
  Libel Libel!

Smug Jerkface Stacey Campfield Might Go To Libel Jail After All

Buh bye now. Buh bye.
Oh, golly, outgoing Wonkette Legislative Shitmuffin of 2013 Stacey Campfield. You are not having a good past couple months, are you? First you lost your primary election by a whopping THIRTY-NINE POINTS — seriously, what incumbent Tennessee Republican loses a primary? — and now, having to face a future where you can no longer introduce petty legislation to harass gay kids or cut food assistance for poors if their kids don’t do well in school, you’re going to have to get by in the Private Sector, where… aw, who are we kidding? You’re in Tennessee. You’ll be fine, you asshole. But at least you may have to actually have to face some consequences for just cold lying about a political opponent. We are so pleased with this development that we’ll even drop this annoying second-person pretense. Read more on Smug Jerkface Stacey Campfield Might Go To Libel Jail After All…
  nice time!

Gay City Council Candidate Happy To Tick Off Baptists With ‘Southern Baptist Sissies’ Fundraiser

Dude, your photo's all Batman and stuff
The smiling left-leaning fellow in the photo is Nashville’s John Lasiter (no, the Pixar guy is John Lasseter; pay attention!), the city’s first openly gay candidate for Metro Council. And because he’s a pretty cool guy and doesn’t afraid of anything, he’s doing a somewhat counterintuitive kind of fundraiser in October, featuring a screening of a film by “writer-director-producer Del Shores” called Southern Baptist Sissies, a film adaptation of a 2006 play by Shores. Read more on Gay City Council Candidate Happy To Tick Off Baptists With ‘Southern Baptist Sissies’ Fundraiser…
  He Also Shares A Name With A Muppet On Socialist Public TV

Victoria Jackson Will Root Out The Muslim Menace (Grover Norquist)

You just knew this would come out
American Hero and unsuccessful county supervisor candidate Victoria Jackson is very concerned about the Muslim Threat in America, of course, and is especially sad to see that even supposed conservatives like Grover Norquist are secretly helping to help Sharia Law creep into Our America. And so she has published a very thoughtful examination of Grover Norquist’s disloyalty to America, in a two-part series that is Just Asking Questions: Is Republican Grover Norquist Connected to Islamic Terrorists? Also, Who is Grover Norquist? Friend or Foe? Read more on Victoria Jackson Will Root Out The Muslim Menace (Grover Norquist)…
  No Godly Speaking -- Ever!

Godly Christian Girl Just Got FEMA Camped For Saying ‘Bless You,’ Thanks Obama

Ever notice how 'inspired' and 'insipid' are almost the same word?
Man the Prayer Sirens and rev up the VictimMobile — another Christian is being oppressed at the hands of an out-of-control secularist teacher! Maybe. The brouhaha in Dyer County, Tennessee, all started when something happened in high school senior Kendra Turner’s class, and she posted about it on her Facebook (no, this does not mean that internet trolls are allowed to bother Kendra Turner, OK?): Read more on Godly Christian Girl Just Got FEMA Camped For Saying ‘Bless You,’ Thanks Obama…
  Weep Weep For Your Fallen Heroes

Victoria Jackson, Stacy Campfield Fare Worse In Tennessee Elections Than Confederate Army At Vicksburg

On a day like today, only a crying eagle and an American flag will do.
Sad, sad, sad news out of the great state of Tennessee, where two Wonkette favorites went down to defeat on Thursday in their campaigns for public office. Get out your hankies, people, for today we weep for comedy and for America. Read more on Victoria Jackson, Stacy Campfield Fare Worse In Tennessee Elections Than Confederate Army At Vicksburg…
  Wonkette Vagina Dentata Panties: Tasteful By Comparison

This Victoria Jackson Story Has A Video Of A Butt That Opens Beers

It's a bottle opener but it's a can, too!
Wonkette Best Frenemy Victoria Jackson is, of course, running for a County Commissioner seat in Williamson County, Tennessee. But that’s not her only hobby! She is also using her influential voice to help other likeminded candidates, like Williamson County School Board member Mark Gregory, who’s seeking reelection to a fourth term. Mr. Gregory is just the sort of person Victoria Jackson wants making school policy: He opposes Common Core because he believes “there are federal fingerprints all over these standards,” and if the federal government says Thomas Jefferson was the third president, then Mark Gregory’s against it. Read more on This Victoria Jackson Story Has A Video Of A Butt That Opens Beers…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Tiger Selfies, Responsible Howitzer Owners, And Open Carry Guitars

Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the feature where we turn a pressure-washer on our browser tabs and skim off the weird, just for you. Please read responsibly and do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Derp. Our Lead Derp is one of those things that we didn’t know was a thing until it was banned: the New York legislature voted last week to prohibit people from getting close enough to big cats to take pictures with them, which has the effect of banning “tiger selfies.” Which is a thing that exists, or existed: Dudebros attempting to attract a mate (and perhaps boost their mana stats) by taking a picture with big captive jungle kitties. Stephen Colbert mentioned it last week, and at first we thought it had to be a hoax, but no, this is real. There’s a collection of Tinder dating photos of Bromeos showing their manliness by cuddling with creatures that might decide to make them a snack. So far, the dudebros have only been potential candidates for the Darwin Award, and New York’s interference has now prevented this experiment from proceeding. Ah well — they can still be the control group. Read more on Derp Roundup: Tiger Selfies, Responsible Howitzer Owners, And Open Carry Guitars…
  with liberty and pbr for all

Sovereign Citizen Hipster Musicians Hand-Wrote Their License Plate Before It Was Cool

Here’s how dedicated Dustin Rosondich and Xylie Eshleman are to their Sovereign Citizen beliefs: They reject the label “sovereign citizen,” because if you’re a “citizen, then that means the government owns you, man: “What we are, is we’re Americans,” Eshleman said. “What we did, is we did Expatriation Act of 1868 … What we did is we took our citizenship and we got rid of it. We’re expatriated from the United States.” That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t make their handwritten license plate — which says “Non Resident 6-55-502. Privilege tax on nonresidents prohibited. Lienholder (my chattel)” — a whit more valid. Even if other loons insist it is so. Also, E Pluribus Boola Boola Alley-ga-roo. Read more on Sovereign Citizen Hipster Musicians Hand-Wrote Their License Plate Before It Was Cool…