Tag Archives: tennessee

  Wonkette Vagina Dentata Panties: Tasteful By Comparison

This Victoria Jackson Story Has A Video Of A Butt That Opens Beers

It's a bottle opener but it's a can, too!
Wonkette Best Frenemy Victoria Jackson is, of course, running for a County Commissioner seat in Williamson County, Tennessee. But that’s not her only hobby! She is also using her influential voice to help other likeminded candidates, like Williamson County School Board member Mark Gregory, who’s seeking reelection to a fourth term. Mr. Gregory is just the sort of person Victoria Jackson wants making school policy: He opposes Common Core because he believes “there are federal fingerprints all over these standards,” and if the federal government says Thomas Jefferson was the third president, then Mark Gregory’s against it. Read more on This Victoria Jackson Story Has A Video Of A Butt That Opens Beers…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Tiger Selfies, Responsible Howitzer Owners, And Open Carry Guitars

Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the feature where we turn a pressure-washer on our browser tabs and skim off the weird, just for you. Please read responsibly and do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Derp. Our Lead Derp is one of those things that we didn’t know was a thing until it was banned: the New York legislature voted last week to prohibit people from getting close enough to big cats to take pictures with them, which has the effect of banning “tiger selfies.” Which is a thing that exists, or existed: Dudebros attempting to attract a mate (and perhaps boost their mana stats) by taking a picture with big captive jungle kitties. Stephen Colbert mentioned it last week, and at first we thought it had to be a hoax, but no, this is real. There’s a collection of Tinder dating photos of Bromeos showing their manliness by cuddling with creatures that might decide to make them a snack. So far, the dudebros have only been potential candidates for the Darwin Award, and New York’s interference has now prevented this experiment from proceeding. Ah well — they can still be the control group. Read more on Derp Roundup: Tiger Selfies, Responsible Howitzer Owners, And Open Carry Guitars…
  with liberty and pbr for all

Sovereign Citizen Hipster Musicians Hand-Wrote Their License Plate Before It Was Cool

Here’s how dedicated Dustin Rosondich and Xylie Eshleman are to their Sovereign Citizen beliefs: They reject the label “sovereign citizen,” because if you’re a “citizen, then that means the government owns you, man: “What we are, is we’re Americans,” Eshleman said. “What we did, is we did Expatriation Act of 1868 … What we did is we took our citizenship and we got rid of it. We’re expatriated from the United States.” That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t make their handwritten license plate — which says “Non Resident 6-55-502. Privilege tax on nonresidents prohibited. Lienholder (my chattel)” — a whit more valid. Even if other loons insist it is so. Also, E Pluribus Boola Boola Alley-ga-roo. Read more on Sovereign Citizen Hipster Musicians Hand-Wrote Their License Plate Before It Was Cool…
  handstand your ground

Serious Candidate Victoria ‘She’s Serious’ Jackson Will Save America From Obama’s Tyranny With Serious New Ad

Thank Loki and Coyote, our favorite political trickster hero, Victoria Jackson, has unleashed a spanking-new ad for her campaign to win election to a county commission in Tennessee. Her very own blog headline for this thing is “Victoria Jackson Campaign Video # 2,” and we couldn’t agree more with that assessment. Come, let us delight in its beautiful pointlessness. Read more on Serious Candidate Victoria ‘She’s Serious’ Jackson Will Save America From Obama’s Tyranny With Serious New Ad…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the very best of the worst detritus that’s clung to our browser tabs all week. We find the stories that are too short for a full post but too stupid to ignore altogether and serve them up to you in a delicious frothy blend — add whatever brain solvents you may need to help digest them. Read more on Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies…
  welcome to post-racial america

Whoops, Looks Like Tennessee Forgot To Stop Racisming

You know what’s wonderful? Living in a post-racial America, where everyone is judged based on the content of their character and not the color of their skin. For example: Tucker Carlson is a dick not because of his race, but because he is a cosmic turd wrapped in leaking anal polyps sent here to punish us for some unknown sin. Hell, racism is so far in The Past that John Roberts and SCOTUS said we don’t need no stinkin Voting Rights Act. But apparently Tennessee never got the memo: Read more on Whoops, Looks Like Tennessee Forgot To Stop Racisming…
  allah them katie

Muslim-Lover Supreme Court Jerks Won’t Raze Tennessee Mosque, We Are All Going To Die

Has Victoria Jackson been informed of this? The U.S. Supreme Court has declined the chance to save Tennessee from rampant sharia law, or at least it won’t intervene in a bullshit case claiming that the Islamic Center of Murfreesboro was constructed without adequate public notice. Opponents of the existence of Muslims had filed the suit back in 2010, claiming that the building permit was issued improperly and that the mosque should therefore be razed or something. A member of the Islamic Center board said he was happy that the case was finally over, and Joe Brandon Jr., the attorney for the plaintiffs, admitted defeat, saying “It’s in the Lord’s hands now … We have done all we can do.” In Tennessee, that probably translates to “maybe if we’re lucky someone will try arson again, though heaven knows we’d never actually say that out loud.” Read more on Muslim-Lover Supreme Court Jerks Won’t Raze Tennessee Mosque, We Are All Going To Die…
  on top of old sparky

Tennessee Brings Back Electric Chair Because Setting People On Fire Is Awesome

Gosh, was it only three weeks ago we were talking about the botched execution by lethal injection of Clayton Lockett, which led to talking about how horrible the electric chair is, which is why only a handful of states use it to execute people anymore, and even then only if the prisoner selects it over lethal injection (a real Sophie’s Choice, we know). As terrible as lethal injection is, it doesn’t regularly set people on fire, which is such an aesthetically unpleasant way to kill someone. Which is why states have turned to the injection method – no muss, no fuss, just stick in the needle and watch ‘em go. Unless they blow out a vein or the state is trying some secretive, untested drug cocktail because more humane countries than ours that manufacture the drugs used in lethal injections won’t sell them to the U.S. if they are going to be used in executions. Well, screw those humane nations right in their hippie-loving hearts, the state of Tennessee won’t stand for such nonsense. Won’t let ‘em have the drugs? Tennessee will go back to electrocuting people. Stick that in your peace pipe and smoke it, Europe. Read more on Tennessee Brings Back Electric Chair Because Setting People On Fire Is Awesome…
  stupor tuesday

A Children’s Treasury Of Primary Election Results. Neither Crazy Idaho Guy Won :(

In the closest thing to a “Super Tuesday” in this off-year election, a whole bunch of Tea Party candidates did worse than expected against “mainstream” Republicans who had better funding and who all sound like teabaggers now anyway. The biggest win of the night was less of a surprise now than it might have been a couple months back: Senate Minority Leader Mitch “Lord Terrapin” McConnell easily won his Kentucky Senate primary against Louisville businessman and chicken-boxing enthusiast Matt “B’kaww!” Bevin. Looks like institutional money and power are everything they’re cracked up to be. McConnell will face Democrat Alison Lundergan Grimes in November, and in his victory speech charmingly suggested that she is not a real Kentucky candidate, but a big Fakey McFakerton who will cram Obamacare down your throat, warning, “The people who handpicked my opponent are not on your side.” And so the Charm Offensive begins. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Primary Election Results. Neither Crazy Idaho Guy Won :(…
  schism all over their face

Big Creationist Fight Breaks Out At Christian College; Somebody’s Doing Heresy!

You guys all remember the Scopes Monkey Trial, in which Spencer Tracy and Frederic March duked it out over whether a schoolteacher in Dayton, Tennessee (a surprisingly young Dick York), should be fined for violating Tennessee’s law against teaching evolution, and then Gene Kelly got famous writing about it for the Baltimore papers? One thing a lot of people forget about the Scopes Trial is that John Scopes actually lost — he was found guilty. We can recommend a good book on it: Edward Larson’s Summer For The Gods. In the long haul, evolution “won,” having the advantage of being scientific reality. And the victorious lawyer for the prosecution, William Jennings Bryan, died just five days after winning; he was memorialized in Dayton with the 1930 founding of Bryan College, a fundamentalist Christian school that does not teach evolution. And that’s where the distant evolutionary descendants of velociraptors have come home to roost: The college is now having a big ol’ creationism fight of its own. Let’s pop up some popcorn (the result of both natural and artificial selection) and enjoy the show. Read more on Big Creationist Fight Breaks Out At Christian College; Somebody’s Doing Heresy!…
  all apologies

Stacey Campfield ‘Regrets’ You Are Too Stupid To Understand Obamacare Is The Holocaust

Tennessee state Senator Stacey Campfield has a lovely little blog of perfect zen koans. (If you quote him, though, you have to pay him, because Tennessee state Senator Stacey Campfield does not understand how anything works.) Well, yesterday, the whole world discovered our own beloved Senator Campfield, Wonkette’s inaugural Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year, when he unleashed the almost-perfect thought of the day, “Democrats bragging about the number of mandatory sign ups for Obamacare is like Germans bragging about the number of manditory sign ups for ‘train rides’ for Jews in the 40s.” People, they were so mad! They were all like, “no sir, having health insurance is not really the same as Zyklon B showers,” which is of course a Holocaust of Stacey Campfield’s First Amendment rights to never be criticized for anything he says, because it just is okay? Well, Stacey Campfield is sorry. That you are so stupid. Read more on Stacey Campfield ‘Regrets’ You Are Too Stupid To Understand Obamacare Is The Holocaust…
  we are all bozos on this bus

Heroic Koch Brothers Save Nashville From Dystopian Nightmare Of Rapid Transit

Here’s some welcome news! In addition to fighting to keep America safe from the nightmare of health insurance, sending out fishwives to scream at cute-milquetoast MSNBC hosts, and bringing rightwing lunacy to improvisational comedy, it would appear that the nice folks in the Koch Bros. squirrel factory have also managed to sponsor a bill aimed at killing a rapid-transit bus system in Nashville, Tennessee. Actually, the bill would prevent any city in the state from developing a rapid-transit bus system without state approval. You know, because local control is the best form of small government, except when it isn’t. Read more on Heroic Koch Brothers Save Nashville From Dystopian Nightmare Of Rapid Transit…
  all apologies

Tennessee On Slavery: Sorry Not Sorry

Let’s have a half-round of applause for the brave souls in the Tennessee House of Representatives, who boldly voted Wednesday to express “profound regret” for both slavery and for segregation, although the chamber couldn’t quite bring itself to actually apologize for either. Baby steps, right? After all, just like the Florida Congresscritter who’s unsure whether the Civil Rights Act is Constitutional, you wouldn’t want to rush things on a sensitive matter like “are we sorry for enslaving people?” Read more on Tennessee On Slavery: Sorry Not Sorry…
  ladies against women

Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn Denies White House Bid, Maybe, Probably, Who Even Knows?

Is it 2016 yet? Have we inaugurated Hillary Clinton already? CNN BREAKING NEWS: No, it is only 2014. Yet rumors persist about who is and is not running for President to replace Our Dreamy Guiding Star of Socialist Hippie Liberalism Barack HU-SANE Obama. It looks like we may have another contender, and she is a vagina-American, per The Leaf Chronicle: A report over the weekend that Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn might launch a 2016 Republican presidential bid spurred a non-denial denial from her campaign staff. Non-denial denial! Does it get any denialier? And ladies, she is running on the platform, quoted by Huffington Post, “It is Republicans that have led the fight for women’s equality.” Move over Michele Bachmann, and step aside Sarah Palin: the GOP has a new woman to steal headlines and be batshit crazy. Let’s non-denialsplore.  Read more on Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn Denies White House Bid, Maybe, Probably, Who Even Knows?…
  sovereign shitheads

Tennessee ‘Sovereign Citizen’ Liberates People From All Their Worthless Federal Money

If, like Yr Doktor Zoom, you’re a connoisseur of conspiracy loons, you are of course familiar with the weirdo “sovereign citizen” crowd, who believe that they aren’t subject to the false laws of the fake American government, that typing their names in all caps has magical properties, and that their only allegiance is to the real U.S. Constitution, which was somehow perverted by the adoption of the 14th Amendment or some such nonsense. There are many variations on the theme, but they pretty much just don’t want to pay taxes or be subject to any laws they don’t like, which is most of them. So anyhow, here is a teevee report from Nashville’s channel 4 about a nice gentleman named Mark Manuel, of Franklin, Tennessee, who was convicted in federal court in February along with two others, in a multi-million-dollar scheme to “eliminate” people’s debts through a bunch of phony legal filings — all the debtors had to do was hand over a whole lot more money to the trio, who promised to use secret federal accounts to pay off the debts. As a result, a lot of people took out credit card advances or second mortgages to pay the bogus fees, and several victims ended up losing everything; the three ripped off at least 250 people nationwide. And of course, even though federal money is worthless, the group happily accepted it from their victims. Isn’t sovereignty a beautiful thing? Read more on Tennessee ‘Sovereign Citizen’ Liberates People From All Their Worthless Federal Money…
  most faculty chairs aren't electrified

Torture Memo Guy Alberto Gonzales To Waterboard Students As Law School Dean

Hey, remember that Alberto Gonzales guy? Not the baseball player, the guy who was Skippy Bush’s White House Counsel and then later the Attorney General — had kind of a habit of firing U.S. Attorneys that weren’t friendly enough to the Bush Administration, and of course he was kind of big on torture, because it would save America from terrorism? Well, he’s about to get what he deserves: not a jail term, silly, he’s been named the new Dean of the Law School at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee! So the guy who helped give George W. Bush a legal rationale for torturing detainees is going to be in charge of preparing America’s next generation of lawyers. Kind of makes you feel good about the future, doesn’t it? Read more on Torture Memo Guy Alberto Gonzales To Waterboard Students As Law School Dean…
  workers of the world get bent

Was Tennessee’s $300 Million Anti-Union Bribe To Volkswagen A Bribe?

Murrca!
Nice auto plant you got here, Volkswagen. Shame if anyone were to unionize it. Incredible though it may seem, that’s the gist of this report from the front lines of the War Against Workers. In short, it looks like Tennessee offered Volkswagen a $300 million incentive to expand its factory in Chattanooga — but the money came with a catch. In the government’s own words: “The incentives … are subject to works council discussions between the State of Tennessee and VW being concluded to the satisfaction of the State of Tennessee.” And of course the State of Tennessee made no secret of what outcome would meet with their satisfaction. Tennessee’s junior senator, Bob Corker, was quite vocally (and maybe illegally) opposed to unionization at the plant. And oh look, it gets worse! Read more on Was Tennessee’s $300 Million Anti-Union Bribe To Volkswagen A Bribe?…
  guilty of reporting while muslim

Nice Tennessee Lady Will Not Stand For Muslim Student Journalist Putting Her In Back Of Bus

The Great Tennessee Muslim Cemetery Battle drags on, and here’s what happened when Noor Tagouri, a journalism student at the University of Maryland, tried to cover yet another hearing aimed at preventing the Islamic Center of Murfreesboro from opening a cemetery on its grounds. The permit was approved back in January, but brave patriots are trying to block it in the courts, since burning down a cemetery is much much harder than burning down a mosque. And so, following Monday’s hearing, Ms. Tagouri found herself being yelled at by the good Christians who oppose the mosque, including terminal angerbag Lou Ann Zelenick, who has been a leader in the neverending fight against the Murfreesboro mosque. Ms. Zelenick is the nice lady yelling at a different journalist — presumably the unseen man with an accent — to “take your microphone and go” — she objects to being recorded by a woman in a hijab, since she’s “had death threats” and “been on Iranian news. It’s very frightening what y’all have done.” This only makes sense, due to the well-known fact that recording devices held by Muslims send Jihad Rays to the middle east. Read more on Nice Tennessee Lady Will Not Stand For Muslim Student Journalist Putting Her In Back Of Bus…
  first amendment is best amendment

Tennessee House Just Plain Doesn’t ‘Get’ This ‘Constitution’ Thing, Wants To Ban Unions From Picketing

Earlier this year, Tennessee faced the terrifying possibility that workers at a Volkswagen plant in Chattanooga might vote to unionize. And while the UAW ultimately lost the election, the wise Republicans who control the Tennessee House of Representatives know that the state needs to be vigilant. So they introduced a bill to outlaw “mass picketing” by unions, since after all Tennessee is a right-to-work-with-no-rights-at-work state. HB1688 would specifically impose criminal penalties on “any form of mass picketing activity in the context of a strike, lockout, or other labor dispute.” Congratulations, Tennessee! You get to join Idaho on the bench of state legislatures who have no idea how laws work! Read more on Tennessee House Just Plain Doesn’t ‘Get’ This ‘Constitution’ Thing, Wants To Ban Unions From Picketing…
  obligatory toonces/handstand joke goes here

Victoria Jackson Makes Local Press Debut, Is Ready To Take On Her Muslim Neighbor

Victoria Jackson is ready to be elected as the next member of the County Commission of Williamson County, Tennessee, and she proves it in an interview with the Nashville Tennessean. She just wants to save America, or at least her corner of it, from everything that’s going wrong, and like lots of wingnuts, she thinks that includes just about everything. Kudos to reporter Jamie Page for going to Thompson’s Station, Tennessee, to meet Jackson for his profile of Wonkette’s Favorite Frenemy; it’s both critical and fair, which is a pretty tough balancing act to pull off. (Happily, we can be a little less journalistic here.) He starts the piece with a mention of one of V-Jack’s recent gifts to the world, which we had somehow missed, in which she responded to a Muslim family moving in near her neighborhood with a blog post titled “Civilization Jihad Hits Home (my back yard, literally”). She wasn’t just worried about the presence of the new neighbors, Daoud Abudiab and his family; no, she was especially exercised that Mr. Abudiab had the gall to speak at a school board meeting and question good patriotic Americans’ fears that school textbooks are “suddenly biased toward Islam.” She’s pretty sure that Abudiab’s concerns for his son and his mention of the 2007 firebombing of the Columbia Islamic Center are really just a sinister ploy for sympathy: “Playing the victim is part of the strategy in stealth jihad.” So anyway, what we’re saying is that Victoria Jackson got her name in the local paper. She even talked to the reporter, so it’s good to know that although the lamestream media is full of lies, she’s still willing to engage with them. Read more on Victoria Jackson Makes Local Press Debut, Is Ready To Take On Her Muslim Neighbor…
  smallotry

Reminder: Rights Of Muslim Citizens Still Routinely Trampled In United States

That’s yr Wonkette’s shoulder and neck in the extreme right foreground. The ox-man in the flag polo was trying to steal our sign!   It seems like only yesterday that we could hardly believe some of the awful things people were doing to Muslims in the United States 2,000+ years after JC met his bio dad. But lately the big news has been “Gays win” and “Pot smokers win” and “Blacks still get murdered a lot” and “Mass shootings” and “IRS Ben Gozzi Obamacare!” That one is kinda Muslim, but we are talking about the quotidian traumas of being viewed as enemies by your own neighbors and government. These stories have lately been absent from the National Conversation, but have they been absent from real life? Read more on Reminder: Rights Of Muslim Citizens Still Routinely Trampled In United States…
  sects fiend

Victoria Jackson Freaks Out Over Tiny Cartoony Genitals

Oh, boy, campers, looks like V-Jack is on a tear again! This time, she has discovered that there are a lot of books in public schools that she disagrees with! Just try and decipher this paragraph, which is not from a public school textbook, but from the blog of Victoria Jackson, which is a woman, that, wants to fix the schools so they are, better and more good, too: The current textbooks being used in public schools today, that your children are reading, memorizing and being tested on, are inaccurate, revisionist, anti-American, racist, climate change propaganda based on fake science, anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, pro-Islam, Marxist, globalist, pro-Socialism/Communism, pro-homosexuality, pro-abortion, and sexually explicit. Below is a list of examples and… who wrote the Pearson Publishing textbooks, that TN schools are now using. (Related story, as of Dec. 2013, Pearson Foundation fined millions for violating laws. Story here.) That sure was a cogent argument for why children need a better education than Victoria Jackson received, wouldn’t you all agree? Read more on Victoria Jackson Freaks Out Over Tiny Cartoony Genitals…