Tag Archives: ten commandments

  Here's an ACTUAL candidate for rehoming

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore’s Offspring Arrested For Being Good Christian, Also Drugs

Awwww, he's cute, doesn't look near as stupid as his Daddy.
It’s very difficult these days, managing a career devoted to mangling the lives of LGBT people you’ve never met, and also raising your own children. Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore knows this struggle well, as he seems to have a rabid dick-child who probably needs to be rehomed with nature. The child’s name is Caleb, and he is probably wasted right now, as he was when he got arrested again for being a ne’er-do-well: Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore’s Offspring Arrested For Being Good Christian, Also Drugs…
  Monumental Stupidity

Shiny 10 Commandments Sure To Distract Arkansas From Godly ‘Rehoming’ Kid-Dumper Guy

They totally used these sets again in Star Trek, didn't they?
Hey, how about we take a short break from the loathsome child-abandoning Arkansas state Rep. Justin Harris, so we can bring you another completely different loathsome member of the Arkansas House, state Rep. Jason Rapert? Mr. Rapert apparently worries that there might be some folks out there who haven’t heard of the Ten Commandments, so he’s helpfully introduced a bill to place a big ol’ Ten Commandments monument on the grounds of the Arkansas Capitol. You know, for purely secular reasons (wink-wink-wink!): Read more on Shiny 10 Commandments Sure To Distract Arkansas From Godly ‘Rehoming’ Kid-Dumper Guy…
  And he'll lose there too

Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God

America’s most esteemed jurist, Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, is not giving up his fight to save Alabama from the hordes of gays currently destroying the state by having equal marriage rights. Even though a terrible federal judge named Callie V.S. Granade (sounds like GRENADE because she GRENADED opposite marriage) not only ruled Alabama’s marriage amendment unconstitutional, but also had the audacity to order probate judges to actually DO WHAT SHE SAID, and even though the Supreme Court was okay with all of this, Roy Moore wants everybody to know that he will be forced to defy a Supreme Court ruling in favor of gayness, because “organic law” and Jesus: Read more on Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God…
  There's gotta be a santorum joke in here somewhere

Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom

Adam y Esteban
Fellow Patriots®, are you tired of the gay agenda being rammed down your throat? Are you afraid that the repeated joyous celebrations of legalized gay marriage exploding all over your face will give you gay herpes of the eye? You are not alone, and we have a hero who has returned from the ashes, like a dung beetle we thought the universe had shat out of existence, only to return like a shit-stained phoenix rising from derp-filled ashes of bigotry: Read more on Hero Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Will Block Gay Courthouse Door, For Freedom…
  Also Did We Mention God? She's Big On God

In Surprising Farewell Address, Michele Bachmann Admits Liking Freedom, God

Here's the story, of a crazy lady, who was talking to a devil to her right ...
Michele Bachmann gave her farewell address to the House of Representatives Tuesday, and while we were worried that she might just stand up and announce that all her email should be forwarded to Shelly@CrazyEyes.com, she actually did deliver a thoroughly Bachmannian speech. It hits all the required notes: Freedom, In God We Trust, Why the House is the Best House, plus several extra helpings of God stuff just to be sure. Read more on In Surprising Farewell Address, Michele Bachmann Admits Liking Freedom, God…
  Trolling The Ancient Yuletide Carol

Satanic Temple Getting The Devil All Over Florida Now

In a victory for something, we guess, our favorite Separation Of Church And State trolls at the completely serious “Satanic Temple” have succeeded in winning a place for their “Fallen Angel” diorama in the Florida State Capitol. You may recall that last year, their effort to have the poor wingless thing added to the Capitol’s holiday display was rebuffed as “grossly offensive,” although the committee in charge of the seasonal idiocy did allow a Festivus pole made of beer cans and a statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster made of whatever you make that out of. Read more on Satanic Temple Getting The Devil All Over Florida Now…
  'Don't Know Much About History' Now Official Policy

Texas Gets The Moses-Wrote-The-Constitution Textbooks It Deserves

As far as we can tell, this guy is completely serious.
Image by David Dees You may recall that back in September, we told you about some of the fascinating textbooks being written to conform to Texas’s cool new history standards, which the conservative Fordham Institute called “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge.” The textbooks had a lot of interesting takes on American history, like how the founding fathers were inspired by Moses, because a “nation needs a written code of behavior.” Never mind that the Ten Commandments are about individual moral behavior, while the Constitution is largely about voting and representation and stuff, and the Bill of Rights is mostly about restrictions on government power to compel behavior. Moses done it. Read more on Texas Gets The Moses-Wrote-The-Constitution Textbooks It Deserves…
  Fetal Attraction

Alabama Wingnut Judge Will Save All The Fetuses With Legal Magic

Ia! Ia! Cthulhi Ftetus!
Alabama Supreme Court Justice Tom Parker is one of the great legal minds of the “pro-life” movement, whose mission in life is to legally transmute all fertilized eggs into human beings so that abortion will go away forever, and sluts will just have to deal with the consequences of their sluttery like God wants them to. Read more on Alabama Wingnut Judge Will Save All The Fetuses With Legal Magic…
  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the importance of that nasty deist Thomas Jefferson. The standards adopted by the State Board of Education were so awful that the conservative Fordham Institute called them “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge” and criticized the SBOE for its “blatant politicizing” of history — especially in its approach to the role of religion: Read more on New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation…
  don't the stupid need a representative too?

Texas Homeschooler Running For Board Of Education Wants Big Sex Ed (And Education) Out Of Education

In today’s Republican primary run-off election, a Texas businessman who homeschools one of his two kids is the Tea Party-backed primary challenger for the nomination to a seat on the State Board of Education. Eric Mahroum says that there have been entirely too many people on the Board who have worked in schools, and that a businessman is the best choice, because what do educators know about schools? “We need someone who has a budget experience and money experience to deal with the permanent school fund. We need someone who will protect it and build on it,” Mahroum said. Also, there’s that “fathered a child at 16″ thing, which he doesn’t really talk about, but he totes opposes teaching sex about contraception in schools, because that sort of thing should only be mentioned in the home. If at all, if you get our drift. Read more on Texas Homeschooler Running For Board Of Education Wants Big Sex Ed (And Education) Out Of Education…
  could it be?

Satanic Temple Unveils Beautiful Artist’s Rendering Of Its Sweet Dark Lord For Oklahoma Capitol

The Satanic Temple has unveiled its artist’s rendering of their proposed monument to the one true God, Lucifer, to be installed in Oklahoma’s Capitol. As you can see, the goat-headed demon smiles and suffers the little multicultural children to come unto Him. You can even sit in his lap, like White Santa! Read more on Satanic Temple Unveils Beautiful Artist’s Rendering Of Its Sweet Dark Lord For Oklahoma Capitol…
  remember: it's not in the constitution

You Got Your God In My Government: The Year In ChurchState

Way to go, America! Looks like we got through one more year without becoming a Handmaid’s Tale theocracy, being taken over by sharia law, or rounding up all the Christians and putting them in FEMA camps, so all in all, we’d have to say the state of Church and State is as contentious as ever. The biggest Establishment Clause case that the SCOTUS has heard in a while, Town of Greece v. Galloway, won’t have a decision until 2014. In that case from New York, the town council is being sued for opening meetings with an invocation, almost exclusively given by Christian ministers — the Court has previously ruled that invocations at public meetings are OK as long as they aren’t specifically sectarian, and the current case will determine the lawfulness of Greece’s very Jesus-y opening prayers. The possibility that a discussion of pothole repairs might be kicked off by merely invoking “the almighty” instead of “Christ our Savior” led the Southern Baptists to warn that a ruling against Greece would be pretty much the same as forcing all Americans to be Unitarians. And if that happens, there’s just no telling whether there will be enough coffee to go around. Read more on You Got Your God In My Government: The Year In ChurchState…
  lullaby of cartersville

Two Nice Georgians Beat Each Other Senseless In Argument Over Biblical Interpretation

In Cartersville, Georgia, a discussion of the Ten Commandments got a little heated over the weekend, leading to a holy smackdown in a local hotel: According to police reports, Carolyn Unfricht and Daniel Camarda were inside a Cartersville hotel arguing about the Bible and specifically the Ten Commandments Unfricht told police things got heated when she hit him across the face with her Bible. Camarda retaliated by throwing her across the room. Both are now facing battery charges and not surprisingly, the police report states they were “highly intoxicated” at the time of the arrest. There are just too many unanswered questions here! Which commandment(s) set them off? Or for that matter, which version of the Ten Commandments? What exactly was the nature of the dispute? It is times like this that we find the lack of detail in local news stories rather disappointing. Read more on Two Nice Georgians Beat Each Other Senseless In Argument Over Biblical Interpretation…
  o little town of bugtussle

Oklahoma Legislature Will Save Christmas From Whoever Keeps Doing War On Christmas

Don’t worry, Christians! The brave and smart members of the Oklahoma Legislature are working on saving the Sacred Baby Festival from all those pagans and liberals and secular humanists who are trying to ban Christmas forever, just like they made sure that no one can ever forget that the 10 Commandments exist. They’ve introduced two “Oklahoma Merry Christmas bills” that would protect Christmas, apparently in the belief that the scary bearded atheists in Chick tracts are real people, haw-haw. The bills, HB2316 and HB 2317, would “permit school districts to display on school property scenes or symbols associated with traditional winter celebrations,” which seems like awfully non-Jesusy language for laws aiming to protect The Only Holiday That Matters (plus Hanukkah, according to the sponsors). Before you know it, some weirdo will sneak in Saturnalia or the Winter Solstice, and also too Oklahoma will be overrun with Druids Read more on Oklahoma Legislature Will Save Christmas From Whoever Keeps Doing War On Christmas…
  the statute got me high

Satanists Generously Offer To Build Monument Next To Oklahoma Statehouse’s 10 Commandments Display

In a move that pretty much says “I’ll see your rhetorical question and raise you an ugly public monument,” a group calling itself the “Satanic Temple” has offered to display a big ol’ monument in honor of the Hornéd One, to be installed on the Statehouse grounds near the state’s display of the 10 Commandments. These are the dadaist religious trolls who made “God hate Fred Phelps’s mom last night back in July. Best of all, the epic trolling appears to be sanctioned under the 2009 law that erected the 10 Commandments at the statehouse. We hope the Pastafarians will be next, because noodles are yummy. Read more on Satanists Generously Offer To Build Monument Next To Oklahoma Statehouse’s 10 Commandments Display…
  movin' on up

In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative

Rep. Tim Scott (R-SC), who is the Other Black House Republican Besides Allen West, is your newest Senator from South Carolina, after Jim Demint left to grift money at the Heritage Foundation!  YAY!!! Many people think that Tim Scott is somehow better because he is more moderate than Allen West, which is sort of like a fried Snickers bar being healthier than a fried Twinkie because it is covered in slightly less batter.  Also because, much like a Twinkie, Allen West was defeated and therefore no longer really exists. As it turns out, Tim Scott is fucking crazy, but he has that sexy Michael Jordan head rather than Allen West’s weird graying Kendall Gill flattop, so all is forgiven. Read more on In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative…
  war pigs

Poor Dumb Oklahoma Humiliates Itself Again, Sets It In Stone

Good news for Rage Against the Machine fans – another Republican loves your favorite band! Apparently Paul Ryan isn’t the only one who enjoys loosening his tie for a little “the power” fighting. Mike Ritze, current head of the Department of Forced Religion for the ruling Oklahoma Military Junta (and state lawmaker in his spare time) has finally unveiled his controversial Ten Commandments monument at the state capital, and it turns out the monument has little to do with honoring God and morals and country and blah blah blah. Ritze has pulled a fast one on his anti-secular GOP buddies with a secret plan to undermine and ridicule the prominent role religion plays in his state, and he’s executing it from the inside, man. Ritze’s plan? Create a three year national controversy by fighting to install a religious monument at a government capital, because all those Oklahoma Communists running around need to be reminded of that glorious day 225 years ago when our founding fathers drafted and signed those Ten Commandments into law at the bottom of that flaming hill. Once everyone is good and mad at each other over whether or not some shitty stone slab will grace the capital complex of America’s least favorite state, secretly meet with the company erecting the monument and convince them to misspell MAYBE THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD IN JUDEO-CHRISTIANITY!!!!! (AND METAL!!!!!) Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Ritze wants you to remember the SABBETH, a new American holiday where families everywhere gather to burn state flags and urinate on the Our Lady of Guadalupe window clings that infest nearly every house on the block, WHICH YOU’VE JUST NOW NOTICED HAS STARTED TO REALLY GO DOWN HILL I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THESE OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE WINDOW CLINGS???? Read more on Poor Dumb Oklahoma Humiliates Itself Again, Sets It In Stone…
  god no likey!

Another Small Town Becomes Victimized By Constitution

Oh, Florida, it is America’s treasured swampland. It is a place ruled by those important “small town values” and giant biblical structures donated by local highway construction hot-shots. Or at least it was, until some Jesus-hatin’ foreigner came in and ruined everything, because that is how these stories go. Thank the Almighty for the USA Today for giving these oppressed people a voice! Read more on Another Small Town Becomes Victimized By Constitution…
  thou shalt not publish thy editor's wife

Sally Quinn Squeezes Religion Into Op-Ed About Bristol Palin’s Dancing

My secret fantasy is to be on “Dancing” but of course I would never dare. I can see Len saying in a caustic British accent, “That was absolutely the worst Paso Doble I have ever seen in my 11 seasons on this show!” And Bruno, standing up, tearing at his hair, “What are you thinking?! Where is the passion? The sexuality? The character? That was PATHETIC!” And Carrie Ann, regretfully: “Sally, you’re a good journalist. Why do you want to put yourself through this?” Read more on Sally Quinn Squeezes Religion Into Op-Ed About Bristol Palin’s Dancing…