Tag Archives: teh gheys

  Ira We Hardly Knew Ye

Ira Hansen, Your New Favorite Nevada Wingnut, Already Calls It Quits

Goodnight Sweet Dunce
Just after we proclaimed him our favorite new wingnut and looked forward to a 2015 full of brilliantly idiotic quotes and policy positions, Nevada state assemblyman Ira Hansen has announced that he will not become Speaker of the Nevada House of Representatives after all. Read more on Ira Hansen, Your New Favorite Nevada Wingnut, Already Calls It Quits…
  Every Single One Of Us The Devil Inside

Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
Yr Wonkette would just like to know: is there somewhere we can subscribe to a 24/7 video stream of the Colorado House of Representatives when it starts its next session? Because one of our favorite crazies, disgraced former Navy chaplain and nutso webcast preacher Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt won election to the District 15 seat by a whopping 40-point margin over some sane Democrat lady. Mr. Klingenschmitt is a truly epic figure — he was court-martialed and kicked out of the Navy in 2011 for wearing his uniform at a White House protest, which gave him just the right “oppressed Christian” cred to become a national hero to wingnuts. At every opportunity, he explains that literal demons are at work in people he disagrees with, from The Gays to Barack Obama to public school teachers, and probably cable installers who don’t show up on time, because Satan and his Army of Darkness are everywhere. Read more on Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House…
  Washed In The Blood And Other Bodily Fluids Of The Lamb

Pastor Warns Gay Weddings Will Give Us All Ebola

Do you, Jim, Haz Matt to be your husband?
The forecast for North Carolina is gay skies with a chance of Ebola, according to Babtist pastor Ron Baity — really! — who told his flock at Berean Babtist Church that God is going to strike America with all sorts of nastiness because the Gay Homosexual End Times are here. It wasn’t immediately clear if Baity (snk!) considered last week’s ruling striking down the state’s ban on marriage equality a cause or a symptom of the End of Days, which are definitely here: Read more on Pastor Warns Gay Weddings Will Give Us All Ebola…
  It Gets Stupider

Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway

Actual result of anti-bullying laws
Here’s a very nice thing that grew out of a very ugly thing, and a very ugly thing in reaction to it: Minnesota’s got a new “Safe and Supportive Schools Act” aimed at combatting bullying and making schools safe and supportive, don’t you know, for LGBT young people. It was passed earlier this year as part of a settlement in a civil-rights lawsuit, and following a string of suicides in the Anoka-Hennepin school district. And of course, now that the law is being implemented, a bunch of wingnuts are fighting to reverse it, because it is Gay Indoctrination that is oppressive to decent Christians who hate gays, with all the Christian love in their mean, pinched hearts. And that is why on Saturday, the “Minnesota Child Protection League” is having a big fundraising dinner headlined by two of America’s premier advocates of gay panic, Matt Barber and all-around Loon Queen Michele Bachmann. Read more on Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway…
  Sportsball nice time

Get A Kluwe, Morans!

He seems nice -- except, actually nice!
Former Minnesota Vikings Sportsball Human Chris Kluwe announced today that he and the team had reached an agreement to settle a lawsuit filed by Kluwe in the wake of his firing last year and a subsequent article he wrote accusing the Vikings of tolerating a culture of homophobia. Under the settlement, Kluwe, the team’s former “puntsman,” will receive no money himself, but the Vikings will “donate an undisclosed amount to five charities over the next five years to benefit LGBT and anti-hate groups, and will sponsor a fundraiser.” Read more on Get A Kluwe, Morans!…
  police story

Hero Utah Cop Did Not Guard The Gays At Their Parade Because Freedom

You guys, are we talking about the gays too much? We’re a little worried we’re talking about the gays too much, but there’s just so much gayness happening right now, you know? So many other states rammed gay marriage down our throats since Utah did last year that we’d kind of forgotten all about how adorable they were being all newly out and proud. On Sunday, Salt Lake City had an extra-biggish Pride parade to celebrate, but one Christian cop stood athwart the gays yelling “STOP” and refused to work at the parade. What a prince. Read more on Hero Utah Cop Did Not Guard The Gays At Their Parade Because Freedom…
  they're magically homolicious

Lucky Charms Totally Gonna Make Everyone Gay All Over Again This Year

It’s Pride Month, which means that it is time for us to talk yet again about how General Mills cereals are super duper gay. In 2012, we had some real heroes protest General Mills’s headquarters because they did not wish for the gays to burn in hell. In 2013, WND had to cry conserva-tears over the fact that Lucky Charms did a gay-loving ad. We’re sure they’re ramping up to cry hot thick tears of sadness again, because it’s time for that leprechaun cereal to get all gay again. Read more on Lucky Charms Totally Gonna Make Everyone Gay All Over Again This Year…
  what what in the butt

Hero Hawaii Legislator Will Save Middle Schoolers From Terror Of Hearing The Word ‘Anus’

Hawaii, we were under the impression your legislative types were generally not, on the whole, anti-gay nutbars since they crammed gay marriage down the throats of the state last December. We should never forget, though, that there will always be that one squeaky and super-bigoted wheel, and that dude will bitch and moan until he gets his way. Enter Bob McDermott, a state representative who is really really afraid of the fact that some people like to take it up the ass, so much so that he needed to torpedo an entire sex ed curriculum over it. Read more on Hero Hawaii Legislator Will Save Middle Schoolers From Terror Of Hearing The Word ‘Anus’…
  ugly vile little snark mob

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Do Liberals Hate Sarah Palin But Love Gay Graham Crackers?

In lieu of a Derp Roundup this week, we bring you a special weekend edition of Dear Shitferbrains, leading off with this very important observation from “bmmg39″ in response to our Clipbait piece about Sarah Palin’s appearance in a sketch on The Tonight Show. We’d said that it wasn’t terrible, that she had one good line, and that she surprised us by agreeing to participate in a gag about how close Russia and Alaska are. And so, of course, bmmg39 told us off for being so unreasonably hateful: I’m not sure what’s more entertaining: Palin’s appearance on T.T.S., or watching the “tolerant left” completely lose its [mind] over said appearance. Fallon can have on the president, the first lady, and countless other Democrats and “progressives,” but the minute he has on someone they don’t like he goes on their boycott list. It’s both hilarious and a little sad. Strangely, while there were certainly a number of comments (how did those even get there?) from people who said — sometimes with colorful epithets — that they didn’t like seeing Palin on Fallon’s show, nobody said a single thing about boycotting Fallon because of it. Odd, this rightwing reading comprehension. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Do Liberals Hate Sarah Palin But Love Gay Graham Crackers?…
  the nerve!

Gay Bigots Won’t Stop Being Mad At Sally Kern For Saying They Are All AIDS-Riddled Terrorists

Oklahomans insist on electing something called a Sally Kern, a human-shaped object whose sole and all-consuming function is to fret about the gays and hate the gays, including asserting that the gays are the worstest terrorists alive, worse even than Muslims, along with the more garden variety leads to pedophilia bestiality yadda yadda yadda we’ve come to expect from her kind. But Kern really stands out from the rest of the gay-fearing/gay-hating crowd because of her unceasing willingness to always say the exact same things while also too shilling for her ridiculous book, The Stoning of Sally Kern.If you people love us, you will clicky clicky through that link and buy a copy of that thing and do a book report on the persecution of Sally Kern. So, how is Sally Kern mad about the gays today? Is it because gays are the real haters, for not liking being hated?? YEP! Read more on Gay Bigots Won’t Stop Being Mad At Sally Kern For Saying They Are All AIDS-Riddled Terrorists…
  out of the closets and into the streets

Sam Adams Beer Says ‘No Homo, No Promo’ To Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Ready for some afternoon nice time, starring some homosexxicans and beer? Of course you are, because you probably started drinking circa 11 a.m. today anyway because you are a goddamn hero. So, you’ll recall that as the venerable vomit-fest that is the South Boston Saint Patrick’s Day Parade approacheth, there remains a wee bit of controversy over the fact that while teh gheys can march, they cannot in any way identify their gayness, because of the tender eyes of the Irish, we think. Now, before you go all blah blah First Amendment why can’t teh gheys bedazzle themselves in gay glitter and march, let’s get that out of the way. The gays can’t march because the parade is run by a private entity that does not like the gays. It is not run by the gubmint. Therefore, parade can do what it wants. Unjust, but legal. Where were we? Oh, yeah, Boston. Skies have been darkening for a while over this parade because Boston’s mayor, Martin Walsh, has refused to march, a group of gay vets won’t march because they can’t display any homosexual propoganda, and now, in the cruelest blow of all, Sam Adams is pulling out of the parade. Once you’ve lost Sam Adams, you’ve lost America. Read more on Sam Adams Beer Says ‘No Homo, No Promo’ To Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade…
  bittersweet

Come Read Some Sad Nice Time About Gay Sportsball Player Jason Collins Meeting Matthew Shepard’s Parents

Jason Collins, our current favorite gay pro sportsball player because Michael Sam is not yet pro, rocks jersey number 98 in honor of slain gay college student Matthew Shepard (who was killed that year) and did even before he came out. Now, his jersey is the best selling jersey in the NBA right now, so suck on that, Ben Shapiro. Read more on Come Read Some Sad Nice Time About Gay Sportsball Player Jason Collins Meeting Matthew Shepard’s Parents…
  when wingnut eyes are not smiling

Bill De Blasio Spurns The Irish To Hang With The Gays And The Drag Queens On St. Patrick’s Day, Impeach

Earlier this month, New York mayor Bill de Blasio said he was going to skip the drunkest parade ever, the NYC St. Patrick’s Day Parade, because that parade will let the gays be marchers as long as they don’t in any fashion say that they are gay, because ewwwww. Both Rudy Giuliani and Michael Bloomberg had merrily marched along, so it was a mildly big deal that de Blasio was going to decline the honor of dodging Irish puke all day. Yesterday, de Blasio upped the ante and said not only was he not going to march in the big parade, he was instead going to roll over and hang out with the gays and the drag queens and the degenerates instead. Instead of the 5th Avenue parade, Mayor de Blasio, City Council Speaker Viverito along with countless other notable New York politicians, will be marching in the LGBT inclusive “St. Pat’s For All” Parade in Queens. OH SNAP! YA BURNT, ST. PATRICK’S DAY PARADE. Read more on Bill De Blasio Spurns The Irish To Hang With The Gays And The Drag Queens On St. Patrick’s Day, Impeach…
  the thrill of victory and the agony of maureen dowd

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special All Olympics All The Time Edition

Maybe you missed that there’s a sporting competition/clash of nations going on, so the NYT will make sure you have one million Olympics words to read. You think you don’t need to read those words because you already saw everything on TV, but you misunderestimate the NYT for their ability to run quirky pieces that get little details no one else does. Take, for instance, their piece on yesterday’s women’s mogul race. Did you watch moguls yesterday? Moguls are ridic, what with the skiing over horrifying enormous bumps and then also too needing to do flippy shit off of ramps mid-run. There was an American favorite in the race, Hannah Kearney, that you could not escape hearing about because American. The NYT covers a bit of that, but then goes on to tell you things like what music they played at the event. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special All Olympics All The Time Edition…
  welcome to the terrordome

Allen West Will Be Haunted By The Horror Of The Coca-Cola Superbowl Ad For The Rest Of His Life

Did you watch Super Sportsball Spectacular yesterday? Were you rooting for the Broncos? If so, you are probably not reading this because you committed ritual suicide after that game. Those of you who remain are still watching wingnut heads explode over the goddamn gall of Coca-Cola to have a commercial that had many different languages. Read more on Allen West Will Be Haunted By The Horror Of The Coca-Cola Superbowl Ad For The Rest Of His Life…
  facts are stupid things

Mayor Of Sochi Is Quite Certain He Does Not Have Anyone Gaying Up His Town Yet

Getting hyped for the Olympics? Of course you are! Hoping you can just watch luge or curling or the biathlon or whatever strikes your fantasy without having to worry about Russia’s depressingly backwards thoughts and feels about the gays? Did you figure that maybe when Bamz sent a pile of homosexuals as the US delegation to the Olympics that would maybe be the last you had to hear about how gay or not-gay your winter sports were going to be? If you’re tired of having gay athletes or spectators or gay people in general rammed right down your throat hole, as the gays are wont to do, take a page from Sochi Mayor Anatoly Pakhomov’s book and just declare that there are no gay people in Sochi. But when asked whether gay people had to hide their sexuality in Sochi, the Mayor said: “No, we just say that it is your business, it’s your life. But it’s not accepted here in the Caucasus where we live. We do not have them in our city.” When challenged, the mayor admitted that he was not certain there were no gay people in Sochi: “I am not sure, but I don’t bloody know them.” See no gay, hear no gay, speak no gay. Read more on Mayor Of Sochi Is Quite Certain He Does Not Have Anyone Gaying Up His Town Yet…
  the very best of wishes

Legitimate Full-Fledged Happy Nice Time: Lily Tomlin And Jane Wagner Wed After 42 Years

OK, we know we promise nice time but then give you things like Evander Holyfield being a ridiculous bigot about teh gheys. But sometimes we can deliver actual no-strings-attached happy nice time, like letting you know that Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner got married on New Year’s Eve after being together 42 years. Some of you people are not even 42 years of age, much less having kept a successful romantic AND work partnership going for that long. Read more on Legitimate Full-Fledged Happy Nice Time: Lily Tomlin And Jane Wagner Wed After 42 Years…
  a good day to die gay

Ohio Judge Joins Utah Judge In Gay Rights Throat-Cram-o-Rama

And the drumbeat march of teh gheys oppressing straight conservatives everywhere goes on. Since Friday, when a federal district court judge in Utah invalidated that state’s same-sex marriage ban, hundreds of gay people have gotten married, which means, of course, that hundreds of straight marriages have been destroyed because that’s always a 1:1 ratio, duh. Now, Ohio has its own freedom-hating throat-cramming activist judge, who just had the audacity to rule that even though Ohio itself doesn’t recognize gay marriage, it does recognize out of state marriages, which means that when you kick the bucket in Ohio but you managed to get gay married elsewhere, Ohio has to recognize your big old gay married death certificate. Read more on Ohio Judge Joins Utah Judge In Gay Rights Throat-Cram-o-Rama…
  because that's where his clitoris is

Circuit Court Tells Utah Attorney General To Open His Mouth Wider So They Can Cram Even More Gay Marriage In There

Was your Christmas wish for a whole bunch of teh gheys to get married and then you were super happy because Utah got you just what you wanted and your twitter feed was chock full o’ joyful joyful o come o come emmanuel gays getting hitched? But then Utah’s Attorney General said “naw mang, we didn’t mean to give you that present because that present will wreck your life” and has been trying to pry it out of your hands since Friday’s court ruling legalizing same-sex marriage in Utah? Just how many ways has Utah tried to take your big gay toy away? Pretty much 12 Days of Christmas’ worth. Read more on Circuit Court Tells Utah Attorney General To Open His Mouth Wider So They Can Cram Even More Gay Marriage In There…
  who would jesus boycott?

Cracker Barrel Comes To Its Senses And Remembers Who Eats There

Handling the fallout from a celebrity kerfuffle is supposed to be sort of predictable. A sportsball player has an affair or announces he’s in favor of death camps, and all the product licensing deals vanish overnight. That’s how the script is supposed to go. But the poor corporate overlords at Cracker Barrel badly misjudged just how much their clientele would respond to the homophobic, racist comments of Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson. Instead of being put off by his announcement that homosexuals are hellbound and the blacks were much happier under Jim Crow, they ate that shit up, and turned the guy into a bona fide Culture Wars martyr. Hickmerica therefore did not care for Cracker Barrel’s decision Friday to remove some Duck Dynasty products from its stores, and so an instant Twitter shitstorm ensued, and a “Boycott Cracker Barrel” page on faceplace got thousands of “likes” within hours, which is how Americans vote today. Cracker Barrel’s initial statement that it operates “within the ideals of fairness, mutual respect and equal treatment of all people” but acknowledging that it had “removed selected products which we were concerned might offend some of our guests” simply proved that Cracker Barrel, as one discussion thread on Ann Coulter’s official website put it, chose “gays over Christians.” Read more on Cracker Barrel Comes To Its Senses And Remembers Who Eats There…
  here comes the boom

Activist Judges Cramming Constitution Down Utah’s Throat

BLAM. You hear that? That’s both the sound of a liebrul activist judge dropping a big old gay gavel and the sound of one million wingnut heads asplodin’. Yes, a federal district court judge in Utah — WE SAID UTAH, PEOPLE — has struck down that state’s same-sex marriage ban, even though it was well-loved by voters and passed with a 66% referendum majority back in 2004. Bring it, Judge Robert Shelby: The State’s current laws deny its gay and lesbian citizens their fundamental right to marry and, in so doing, demeans the dignity of these same-sex couples for no rational reason. Accordingly, the court finds that these laws are unconstitutional. Salt Lake City wasted no time and is already issuing same-sex marriage licenses. Looks like someone in the clerk’s office gonna find themselves #inpeached. Read more on Activist Judges Cramming Constitution Down Utah’s Throat…