Tag Archives: teh ghey

  best thing to come from kentucky since hunter s. thompson

With Kentucky Decision, Nation Running Dangerously Low On States Without Marriage Equality

If it’s Tuesday, this must be another post about a federal judge throwing out a state law banning same-sex marriage. The lucky winner this time around is Kentucky, where U.S. District Judge John G. Heyburn II overturned the state’s 2004 constitutional amendment against gay unions, writing another of those decisions (PDF link) that aim for a memorable turn of phrase: In America, even sincere and long-hold religious beliefs do not trump the constitutional rights of those who happen to have been out-voted. Yep, that’s pretty good. But is there more? There is more. Read more on With Kentucky Decision, Nation Running Dangerously Low On States Without Marriage Equality…
  new south is best south

Nice Time Update: SC Town Reinstates Lesbian Police Chief Fired By Jerkwad Mayor

We sure do like the occasional story where people Do the Right Thing and there’s actually a win for the little guy. And here’s one right now: You might remember our April story about Crystal Moore, the former police chief of the town of Latta, South Carolina. She was fired by the town’s doodyhead mayor, Earl Bullard, as part of a good-old-boy vendetta because — he said — she went beyond her authority in questioning the appropriateness of Bullard’s decision to hire a Parks and Rec director whose qualifications were iffy. Not because she’s openly gay, no, not at all. And never mind the recording of Bullard saying he’d rather have a dead drunk watch his children than a gay person (the police chief job, incidentally, does not include providing babysitting services). As often happens with small-town politics, things got nasty, fast, and Moore was quickly fired, without following normal procedures. And now we get to the nice-time part. After a special election to change the city’s form of government from a “weak council” to a “strong council,” the town council, which can now overrule the mayor, is planning to hire Chief Moore back. The moral arc of the universe is long, and points away from power-mad jerk babies. Read more on Nice Time Update: SC Town Reinstates Lesbian Police Chief Fired By Jerkwad Mayor…
  has gila bend frozen over?

With No Reelection Worries, Jan Brewer May Be Going Full Goldwater

Folks, we have been pretty impressed with Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who has been acting uncharacteristically sanelike lately. Maybe she was actually sane all along, and then she drank some Tea Party Wacky Juice? In any case, she keeps doing reasonable stuff, like vetoing that horrible Please Discriminate Against Gays bill back in February, and recognizing that it would be a real stretch of the state constitution to try to seek another term. And now, she’s actually sounding a bit like late-career Barry Goldwater, who famously said he didn’t care whether people were gay, and told the Moral Majority it could go get stuffed, and all sorts of fun stuff, because goddammit, there’s getting reelected and there’s being right. And so, in an interview with the Arizona Capitol Times Tuesday, Brewer said that it might darn well be time to think about extending Arizona’s civil rights protections to everybody, even, yes, gay people. Read more on With No Reelection Worries, Jan Brewer May Be Going Full Goldwater… Read more on With No Reelection Worries, Jan Brewer May Be Going Full Goldwater…
  oops

Rick Perry: ‘I Am A Huge Alcoholic. Therefore, Gays.’

Rick Perry is so smart now with his supersexxxy Clark Kent glasses. (Shut up, yes he is!) He is very intelligent now, and the reason you know he is all intellectual-like is he made an an-al-ogy about how homos puttin’ their wangs in each other’s no-no’s is just like bein’ a alcoholic. Like him! Rick Perry! “I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” Read more on Rick Perry: ‘I Am A Huge Alcoholic. Therefore, Gays.’…
  society is to blame: arrest them

A Children’s Treasury Of Stupid Bloviating About The Isla Vista Murders

We’ve now entered the exciting “place blame on people you don’t like” phase of the coverage of the shootings in Isla Vista last Friday, where bloggers, teevee news panelists, and other luminaries present their instant diagnoses of the culture-war issues truly to blame for the actions of a disturbed person with a several guns and a carload of ammunition. Here are just a few of the stupidest explanations of What It All Means (and yes, we have a feeling this will be Part One of many). Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Stupid Bloviating About The Isla Vista Murders…
  in my day they just used toaster ovens to recruit

Florida State Legislator: Common Core Will Gay Your Kids Up So Bad

We think the Common Core educational standards are just about the greatest thing to come along in years. Not because we’re especially in love with them as a set of education standards, but because of the way they’ve become the biggest Monster Under the Bed for paranoid wingnuts since Obamacare. Common Core makes for an even better target upon which to project Culture War fears, since almost anything can be billed as a dire threat to Our Precious Children. Case study for today: Florida State Rep. Charles Van Zant, who warned that Common Core is nothing less than an insidious plot to turn your children gay and probably make them major in Art History, too. Read more on Florida State Legislator: Common Core Will Gay Your Kids Up So Bad…
  stop sensoring me!

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Let A Wingnut Explain Free Speach To You Leftists

Here’s a heck of a thing: our comments queue overfloweth! We have been blessed with any number of very important comments from very serious people who are going to set us straight on a few things. For instance, there’s “fedupw_libs,” who took issue with our recent piece about how HGTV sent the anti-gay Benham brothers straight (ha!) to the FEMA camp and wouldn’t give them the reality show that Abraham Lincoln promised them in the Constitution. Fedupw_libs wants us to know we don’t know the first thing about Liberty or Free Speach, and even quoted our own words back at us to prove that we’re big old hypocrites, because of gay wedding cakes, probably: “Because they are a totally private business and not the fucking US government, they then made a business decision” So following this thought process and the whole “gays watch HGTV”, a person running a bakery can refuse service to a gay couple because they’re service demographic is straight evangelical couples? Free speach is free speach dumb ass. Your intolerance of someone’s right to speak what they believe (they never refused someone based on their sexual orientation) is amazing. It’s only acceptable free speach when it fits your narrative. You are the opitomy of a dumb ass. We guess we are the opitomy of a dumb ass, because we make this silly distinction between speach and action — err, axion, we guess. Which is to say, discrimination against a class of customers is actually not speech, because selling stuff to the public is not the same as saying stuff. Is that really so difficult? Also, too, we are definitely going to have to look into getting some “You are the opitomy of a dumb ass” coffee mugs in the Wonket store. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Let A Wingnut Explain Free Speach To You Leftists…
  everybody loves the garbage man

S.D. Representative Does Not Care For You Lesbians Putting Weiners In Your ‘Garbage Alley’

Buttsechs. Some people like to do it in their butts, while other people like to pay their rent owning mommyblogs that for some weird reason unknown to G_d or man (COUGH ANA MARIE COUGH) have become synonymous with anal loving. Still other people like to be elected representatives of the people of South Dakota and post long long SO LONG letters about how butts are “garbage alleys” and lesbians should not have weiners in their butts onto their Faceplace pages when the Argus Leader determines their letters to the editor to be a little much for your morning Grape Nuts. In his masterpiece, “A One Way Alley for the Garbage Truck,” state Rep. Steve Hickey proclaims a great many common-sense things. We shall explore them, together. Read more on S.D. Representative Does Not Care For You Lesbians Putting Weiners In Your ‘Garbage Alley’…
  come out wherever you are -- even arizona?

Arizona Legislature Has One More Gay To Discriminate Against

How’s about a round of applause for Arizona state Sen. Steve Gallardo, who was moved by the recent excitement over the state’s discrimination-is-awesome bill to come out as gay today. “I am gay, I am Latino and I’m a state senator,” Gallardo said, explaining that the fight over SB 1062 had been a “game-changer” in deciding to come out. A slightly cynical person might also note that since he announced last week that he was running for the U.S. congressional seat being vacated by retiring Rep. Ed Pastor, Gallardo probably decided it was far better to come out himself than let an opposition researcher leak the news, but we are nowhere near that jaded, we really are not. Now pass us that postcard of Dorothy Parker playing whist with H.L. Mencken, please. Read more on Arizona Legislature Has One More Gay To Discriminate Against…
  if only people knew!

Wingnut Preacher Has A Sad When Good Church People Won’t Let Him Talk Endlessly About Buttsex

Minor-league wingnut preacher Rick Scarborough*, who dreams of suing the gays away, is very disappointed to report that not everyone in Christian America is quite so het up about the gays as he is. In a “Tea Party Unity” webcast last week, Scarborough lamented to Don Feder of the “World Congress of Families” (where do they get these names?) that it’s bad enough that liberals are always trying to intimidate Christians from telling the truth about the threat of gays gaying up America with their gayness, but it really hurts when fellow Christians don’t want to let speech be free either. It seems that Scarborough was visiting a number of churches recently, and at one service, the following unbelievable experience happened to him: I mentioned the word ‘anal sex’ illustrating what homosexuality actually is. And I know that that’s a repulsive expression, I know that nobody likes to think about it, but Christians need to understand what we’re talking about. This is not a gay activity, it’s a perversion. And it does carry consequences because of the nature of the act. And for some reason, people in that church did not want to hear analsex analsex analsex analsex in church. We don’t get it either! Read more on Wingnut Preacher Has A Sad When Good Church People Won’t Let Him Talk Endlessly About Buttsex…
  will nobody think of wonkette's children?

Jan Brewer Being Uncrazy Again, Some More (Video)

This is TOTALLY FUCKED, guys. Not only is Jan Brewer, Arizona governatrix, continuing to take her meds, but she apparently has inspired her state’s senators, Herrs McCain and Flake, to pick up some Lithium as well. And now she has come out, looking good, and explaining that she has vetoed SB 1062, the desperately needed bill to protect Arizonans from mean gays suing the fuck out of them if they discriminate in their public accommodations (that means, like, “business”), which has caused fucking idiots like Ben Shapiro to be fucking idiots, again, and whine about the big mean government making them bake gay cakes. (Hint: Harvard Law grad Ben Shapiro is bad at law.) Read more on Jan Brewer Being Uncrazy Again, Some More (Video)…
  oh no! they've ve killed princess sparkle pony!

What If You Could Count Your Brain Cells As They Die While Reading Something By Ben Shapiro?

It’s kind of a trick question, because of course you won’t be able to ever actually count your brain cells as they wither and pass while you read something by Ben Shapiro. Nobody can count that high! But you sure can FEEL them dying! Most people would interpret this sensation as being bored or ow, I rolled my eyes too hard, but make no mistake: those brain cells are gone and they’re never coming back. It’s too late for me, because I’ve already read – twice! – this thing by Shapiro (warning: Breitbart) about that sportsball player, the football one who said he loves the cock, and it is a doozy. Turns out it’s all a big media hoax/conspiracy, and worse, a trap! It’s tempting to call Ben Shapiro’s argument circular, but it’s more like a Möbius strip, never-ending and one-sided. Click “read more” to see more of my thoughts ‘n’ stuff on this amazing piece of writing before my cranial neurons finally give up the ghost and surrender forever. Read more on What If You Could Count Your Brain Cells As They Die While Reading Something By Ben Shapiro?…
  authentic cunty fried steaks

Charming Oklahoma Restaurant Takes You Back To Pre-1960s Birmingham (Video)

Well! Here’s a charming little local business in Enid, Oklahoma, run by a “real character”: Gary’s Chicaros restaurant and bar, run by one Gary James, who doesn’t deny that he throws out any patrons he doesn’t like the looks of. His official restaurant T-shirts say so, with a clever promise of an “n-word-free zone.” (The shirts do not say “n-word.” But you guessed that already.) But he’s not racist, he says, because he denies service to way more whites than blacks, you see, especially if they’re trashy: Read more on Charming Oklahoma Restaurant Takes You Back To Pre-1960s Birmingham (Video)…
  just sing about jesus & drink wine all day

Gun Guy Larry Pratt Wonders Why Our Blacks Can’t Just Sing And Be Happy Like The African Ones

Larry Pratt, the descriptively named executive director of Gun Owners of America, has figured out how to improve The Blacks in America: In a recent radio interview, he explained that American blacks would have a much better time of it if they could just be more like “the African from Africa.” You know, that one guy. Pratt, who has previously warned about the private army of blacks that Obama is building to foment race war in the USA, spoke last month with Selwyn Duke on the “Gun Owners News Hour” — proving again that every rightwinger has a podcast — and they went over the usual news, like how Obama is converting the U.S. military into “a martial law ready” force by promoting minorities above whites, and then they got to the more arcane stuff about how American blacks could really learn a lot about good attitudes from Africans from the Africa: “Generally, the African from Africa is a very pro-American person, a very happy person,” Pratt said. “I know several, and they’re always happy with a joke, a pleasant smile on their face, and they clearly don’t identify with the surliness that’s all too frequently the attitude of their fellow African Americans here.” And Larry Pratt sure could learn a lot from trying to emulate human beings, now couldn’t he? Read more on Gun Guy Larry Pratt Wonders Why Our Blacks Can’t Just Sing And Be Happy Like The African Ones…
  santorum was right

Hero City Councilman Will Stop Man-on-Dog Sex In The Military By Posting Facebook Pictures Of Man-on-Dog Sex

South Bend, Indiana, City Councilman Henry Davis, Jr. just wanted to spark public debate about a matter of national policy that he was very concerned about, which is why he posted an “explicit photograph of a man and a dog” on his Facebook page Sunday, to call attention to a very important but nonexistent issue: a supposed loophole in the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” that makes it legal for members of the military to do sex with animals. Never mind that there is no such policy, which he could have found out with a little searching. But he was concerned, so the natural thing to do, obviously, was to post a dogfucking picture to Facebook. Read more on Hero City Councilman Will Stop Man-on-Dog Sex In The Military By Posting Facebook Pictures Of Man-on-Dog Sex…
  plumber cracks

Louie Gohmert Wants You To Only Put Your Penis In A Lady’s Down-There-Place

Congressional Legion of Doom members Louie Gohmert, Michele Bachmann, and Steve King appeared on a panel at the Heritage Foundation Wednesday and somehow, Gohmert managed to out-stupid both other members of the trio. Oh, sure, Bachmann warned that Barack Obama’s legacy would be “the establishment of lawlessness in the United States,” because gay marriage (apparently committed by bandits mostly), and King called for an investigation of why Obama’s uncle Onyango Obama was not deported for being an illegal immigrant, because “looks like if you’re an Obama friend, you’re exempt from the law” (nope). But Louie Gohmert out-idioted both with his opinion that judges who believe that gay Americans have a right to marry are fundamentally ignorant of biology, because of course the P-E-N-I-S goes in the lady’s down-there-place, not in the unmentionable hell orifice: Gohmert pointed out that some courts had found that there was no biological evidence that marriage should be limited to a man and a woman. “They need some basic plumbing lessons,” he said. “For one omnipotent, omniscious, ubiquitous federal judge who is wise beyond his education to say — to make such a declaration about the law, I think, requires revisiting by each state and compliance with the U.S. Supreme Court.” The American Society of Plumbing Engineers was unavailable for comment. Read more on Louie Gohmert Wants You To Only Put Your Penis In A Lady’s Down-There-Place…
  they're just two girls who cain't say no

Open Wide, Oklahoma, It Is Your Turn For Some Gay Marriage Throat-Ramming And Cramming

Are you familiar with this state “Oklahoma”? It’s one of the ones in the middle there. It’s full of Democrats who voted for Randall Terry for president — actually beating sitting “Democrat” “president” Barack Obama in the primaries — probably because it is full of super-lefty civil libertarians who hate drones and banks or something, definitely not because they hate the black guy. Well, now some federal judge has gone and crammed some Satan down Oklahoma’s throats, and by “Satan,” naturally, we mean “gay cock,” probably pierced a bunch of times up and down the shaft and definitely sporting a little cock-sized leather vest, with friiiinge on top. Read more on Open Wide, Oklahoma, It Is Your Turn For Some Gay Marriage Throat-Ramming And Cramming…
  virginia creeper

Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill

You might think that the wingnuts in the Commonwealth of Virginia might have a bit of a sad, what with their candidates losing the top three statewide electoral spots a couple months back. You might also think that they would have a smidgen of a doubt, after that defeat, about the wisdom of pushing an agenda that contributed to their guys’ big loss. Naaaaaah. State Sen. Thomas A. Garrett is a “constitutional conservative” –says so right on his FacePlace – which means he’s most likely convinced that the only reason Ken Cuccinelli isn’t going to be sworn in as governor is that he didn’t push hard enough on the holy crusade to make homosex illegal again. And by golly, Garrett has introduced an “emergency” bill to bring back Virginia’s “crimes against nature” law — and since the meanypants SCOTUS won’t allow states to criminalize what consenting adults do with their danglybits and ladygardens, the new bill will only apply to minors, who must be protected from blowjobs, buttsechs, and eating at the Y. All that sodomizin’ would now become a felony, and any teenagers doing blowjobs in the backseat will be subject to having a felony conviction following them around for life. Not that the law would ever really be applied to straight boys and girls in practice, of course — P-E-N-I-S goes in vagina is not affected by the bill. This is firmly aimed at criminalizing young gheys. You know, to protect the kids. Read more on Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill…
  who said jehovah? ow!

Colorado Radio Preachers Wish Rose Parade Let Them Stone Gays, For Free Speech

Colorado radio preacher Kevin Swanson — you know, the guy who revealed that the Pill leaves ladies’ uteri studded with tiny corpse-babbies — shared some thoughts with his Generations Radio cohost, pastor Dave Buehner, about that gay marriage float in last week’s Rose Bowl Parade. Bad enough that it existed at all, but why didn’t the parade provide some kind of balance, huh? Buehner even had a fun suggestion: Buehner: I wonder what the Rose Bowl parade would do if we had the stoning of a homosexual along the parade just as an expression of free speech and all that. Swanson: I think that would be rejected by the Rose Bowl parade committee. Buehner: Well what if the stones were just made like of flowers and flower petals? Swanson was probably right that the parade committee would be lukewarm on that, but now we have some terrific ideas for festive floral arrangements. Read more on Colorado Radio Preachers Wish Rose Parade Let Them Stone Gays, For Free Speech…
  A Year Of Gay Nice Times

2013: America’s Most Fabulously Gay Year Ever

While there are still a few (like, five) Real Mericans (and most of them are on some stupid teevee show about making duck-sex sounds) who are unaware that is the year 2013 for a few more hours (then it will be 2014, for those of you who have trouble counting, you’re welcome), and they think The Gay AgendaTM is ruining our freedoms and our childrens and making Jesus cry — like, for example, this one lady idiot in San Diego who is warring on the Rose Parade because FOR THE CHILDREN — it turns out that America went totally full-on gay homosexxxxxxican gay this year, and it is FABULOUS. How fabulous? A whole bunch of states legalized gay marriage aka marriage (or had it crammed down their throats by dirty hippie liberal activist judges like Justice Anthony Kennedy): Maryland, California, Delaware, Rhode Island, Minnesota, New Jersey, Hawaii, Illinois, New Mexico, and Utah. Yeah, that’s right. Motherfucking Utah. Yeah. UTAH. And sure, the governor and attorney general of Utah are still scratching their heads — to the tune of $2 million, which broke-ass Utah cannot exactly afford — on how to STOP THE GAY, but so far, they got nothin’. They say they are planning to beg the Supreme Court to save them from the gay, and we are planning to laugh very hard when the Supreme Court tells them no. So welcome aboard the gay train, Utah. In Illinois, the gay marriage aka marriage law does not actually go into effect until June 2014. But a very nice judge who is An Ally ordered the immediate issuance of a marriage license to a lovely couple, one half of which has terminal cancer (sad) and may not have enough time to make it the June 2014 date (still sad), so the judge was all, “Here, you can get gay married RIGHT NOW and mazel tov!” Awwwww (but sad because cancer) but awwwwwww. And speaking of judges … Read more on 2013: America’s Most Fabulously Gay Year Ever…
  too flaggy for words

California Lady Has Cheerful Christmas Answer To Neighbors Who Bitched About Her Rainbow Flag

Here’s some industrial-strength Nice Time, courtesy of our old friend Evan Hurst (Wonkette misses you, Evan!) at TruthWinsOut: That photo up there is the home of Dr. Mary Pham of Irvine, California, who started flying a rainbow flag over her home last spring when all her neighbors were putting up flags for sports teams and seasonal-themed flags. It turned out to be a bit more controversial than she thought: In July, she was told that people had been writing angry emails to her HOA about the flag. When she saw them, she was taken aback by the hateful language she saw. One of them referred to the flag as a “Fag Flag.” “Is the GAY PRIDE [in large font and rainbow colors] display protected by free speech rights?” its author asked. “The Orange Tree Patio Homes neighbors are shaking their heads in disgust.” Yes, we suppose that it is not all that surprising that people in a Homeowners Association might be disgusted by free speech. That’s pretty much what they’re for. Read more on California Lady Has Cheerful Christmas Answer To Neighbors Who Bitched About Her Rainbow Flag…
  dicktember

Retired Wyoming Pastor Just Too Sexy To Not Solicit Sexytimes From Undercover Cop

Rev. Bryant Badger, 75, a retired pastor in Casper, Wyoming, was arrested near a park Sunday and charged with public indecency after trying to have sex in an SUV with an undercover cop. The sting operation was prompted when a high school coach found “multiple obscene notes” in a portable toilet at a local park and reported them to police. The ha-ha part of the story, of course, is Badger’s lame excuse for soliciting sex by leaving notes in a park toilet: The affidavit says Badger told police he had a high sex drive and could not control his urges to have sex. “It’s wrong,” Badger said, according to the report. The not quite as hilarious question is maybe why a sting operation was necessary to go after an old man who wanted a blowjob and who initially invited the officer to come to his home, where whatever indecency that might have gone on would definitely not have been public. Read more on Retired Wyoming Pastor Just Too Sexy To Not Solicit Sexytimes From Undercover Cop…