Tag Archives: teevee

  it's morning in america

Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor

Glenn Beck’s contract with Fox News expires in December, and you know what that means: George Soros is a scheming Puppet Master and/or Jew. Wait, no! It means Glenn Beck’s teevee chalkboard lessons and Cash4Gold infomercials will probably be canceled, since only the cream of the crazy milk watches his show anymore. But people familiar with Glenn Beck’s darkest thoughts say that he is plotting his own teevee network — something resembling The History Channel, except more Nazi UFO documentaries. Beck already has a media company — Mercury Radio Arts, named after Orson Welles’ Mercury Theatre, geezus — but that’s only for radio and the Internets and his traveling circus shows. Here is how America’s leading “liberal” pay-per-view newspaper ends its muckraking piece of journalism: “Mr. Beck is ‘not Oprah yet.'” Haunting words. [NYT] Read more on Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor… Read more on Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor…
  Machiavellian Maneuvers

Hillary Clinton Quitting As Secretary of State (In 2012)

Scheming frenemy Hillary Clinton tells the CNN people that she won’t be Obama’s secretary of state in his next term, assuming he wins, so this frees him up to nominate Sarah Palin or George Will or somebody. Really, Hillary’s jumping off the rat-ship … that’s what she told Wolf Blitzer, anyway. She’s a Clinton, so you could literally throw her farther than you could trust her, but Hillz says a big “No” when asked by the CNN muppet if she would serve again as Secretary of State. Then, according to the transcript, she barks off “No,” “No,” and “No” when asked if she wants to be vice president, defense secretary or Actual President. Great, we guess? Read more on Hillary Clinton Quitting As Secretary of State (In 2012)…
  uh are you ready for some football

Incompetent D.C. Government Crooked (Also: PBR)

It’s been a while since we’ve explored the backwards world that is D.C. politics, so here goes: Some five months ago, when bike lanes and education were still the rage, Adrian Fenty, champion of white-people causes, was Mayor of D.C. But one can only get so far when backed by the PBR lobby, and so he was replaced by Vincent Gray who, it turns out, (allegedly) paid another man to try to undermine Fenty’s campaign in return for a job. Whoops! In some circles this is illegal/ generally not a good idea. But let’s focus on the more important things. D.C. has a new PBR dispensary: Touchdown on U Street. Read more on Incompetent D.C. Government Crooked (Also: PBR)…
  centennial birfdays

The Super Bowl Is THE Time To Celebrate Our Best President’s Birfday

This year’s Super Bowl may not include Tim Tebow lecturing America about nearly-aborted fetuses, but it has something even better: Lord Ronald Reagan! Some soulless libtards planned the Super Bowl to be on Reagan’s 100th birthday, so to make up for this, the event will now include a pre-game circle jerk tribute to this dead president. (Haha, most American’s will probably be too drunk/too busy with their chicken wings and sex slaves by kick-off to even notice it’s happening.) Why is football no longer just a safe space for pole dancing, strippers, and the occasional concussion? Here’s where to catch the big game in D.C. Read more on The Super Bowl Is THE Time To Celebrate Our Best President’s Birfday…
  hey dictator i'm on teevee@

America’s TeeVee Journalists Being Swallowed By Angry Egyptians

Don’t these Egyptians realize they’re supposed to provide a nice backdrop for these newscasts and stop moving around so much? Ignore the Americans in their safari shirts. Sure, you should kill each other in the back of the shot. That’s great. But stay a safe distance away. Read more on America’s TeeVee Journalists Being Swallowed By Angry Egyptians…
  vain mormons in the news

Mitt Romney Jokes About How Handsome and Smelly He Is, On TeeVee

The #1 most important world news story right now is: whatever is happening in Egypt Charlie Sheen no jobs Mitt Romney visited David Letterman’s talk show last night and recited his very own monologue, “Things You Don’t Know About Mitt Romney”! Here is an example of one of these Things you don’t know about him: “Do I smell as good as I look? No!” Did Mittens just admit to the entire world that he smells like taint? And what does this mean, for Democracy in Egypt? Read more on Mitt Romney Jokes About How Handsome and Smelly He Is, On TeeVee…
  friday news dump

Keith Olbermann Fired By MSNBC Or Something?

Keith Olbermann did his last MSNBC teevee show! It was a big deal, probably! Was he fired? Were there contract squabbles? How much of his thirty million dollars does he get to keep? Will it be enough, for whatever? All across America tonight (in New York and Washington and Los Angeles, mostly), people who carry dumb electronic mobile media devices “for work” have been looking down as little pop-up things and beeps and alerts tell of the exciting news: Keith Olbermann will no longer do a teevee show he has done for a while now, for this one cable station. Read more on Keith Olbermann Fired By MSNBC Or Something?…
  but she's president now!

Sarah Palin Loses 40% of Her TeeVee Audience In One Week

It’s fun to watch a train wreck once. Deadline Hollywood reports on Palin’s huge collapse in ratings since her dumb show premiered on basic cable: Sarah Palin lost almost half of her premiere audience in the second airing of her TLC reality series Sarah Palin’s Alaska. On Sunday, the series executive produced by Mark Burnett, drew 3 million viewers. That is down 40% from the 5 million who tuned in for the debut last Sunday. Read more on Sarah Palin Loses 40% of Her TeeVee Audience In One Week…
  it's morning in america

Sarah Palin: The Presidential TeeVee Candidate America Deserves

Sarah Palin took a five minute break from her pre-scripted reality teevee existence to go on a different teevee show, so that she could tell Barbara Walters that it would be so easy for her to “defeat Barack Obama.” And then Barbara Walters probably had to ask, “Really? In a presidential election? I’m not talking about teevee ratings, you fucking idiot.” (Barbara Walters is old and doesn’t realize how similar “teevee ratings” and “running for president” actually are.) Everybody is so surprised that Sarah Palin would consider quitting her Alaskan teevee show to run for president, because “quitting” is not a word Sarah Palin uses, on Twitter. Perhaps even more surprising is that Sarah Palin would abandon her simple, snowbilly lifestyle so that she could drag her family around the United States and smile and wave at mobs of flag-waving, scooter-powered vegetables. Read more on Sarah Palin: The Presidential TeeVee Candidate America Deserves… Read more on Sarah Palin: The Presidential TeeVee Candidate America Deserves…
  give us all our pistols

Man Sees Bristol Palin Dancing On TeeVee, Shoots TeeVee, Gets In Standoff With Police

According to the complaint, Cowan and his wife were watching “Dancing with the Stars” when Cowan jumped up and swore as Bristol Palin appeared, saying something about “the (expletive) politics.” Cowan was upset that a political figure’s daughter was on the show when he didn’t think she was a good dancer, the complaint states. Read more on Man Sees Bristol Palin Dancing On TeeVee, Shoots TeeVee, Gets In Standoff With Police…
  great white hope

Conservatives Spending Hours Voting For Bristol Palin To Get Back At ACORN

Sarah Palin fans on the Internet are pretty much spending all their free time these days doing one thing: making sure Bristol Palin stays on her dancing teevee show and is not fired or executed or given a poison tulip or whatever. These people are actual, middle-aged adults in the primes of their lives, and they have decided to take advantage of their power, in the waning years of their time on Earth, to spend hours every day voting for Bristol on ABC’s website — even if some of them don’t think she is good at doing the dances people have her do in the magic picture box. Why do they do this? To get back at ACORN and the Democrats, of course, for violating the principle of “one person, one vote.” Oh, and she is now considered a new Jesus Christ, apparently. Read more on Conservatives Spending Hours Voting For Bristol Palin To Get Back At ACORN…
  'mad men' replacement

America’s Pets Also Hate Sarah Palin’s New TeeVee Show

Yes, even this dog hates Sarah Palin’s Alaska, a terrible reality show (also known as “a reality show”) that premiered last night on The Learning Channel, a channel for the willfully ignorant. Why do pets hate this show? Well, for the usual reasons someone would dislike Sarah Palin, probably. But even this, her own show, makes this woman look like a strange, awful human being. Read more on America’s Pets Also Hate Sarah Palin’s New TeeVee Show…
  important political news

‘Dancing with the Stars’ Would Have Preferred Todd Palin

Sarah Palin gave an interview to something called “Zap2it,” and it turns out she is very proud of Bristol for dancing with the gays on some teevee show. “This is so Bristol, challenging herself, getting out of her comfort zone,” Sarah said, referring to Bristol’s propensity to “try anything once,” even if she’s not using proper protection. Here’s another big revelation: Bristol “relates to” Florence Henderson “more than anybody else” because they are both 9,000 years old in terms of their outlook on life. But more importantly, Todd just wants everybody to know that, while he supports his daughter, Dancing with the Stars totally asked him to be on that show first. Read more on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Would Have Preferred Todd Palin…
  myth: president obama is going to get to work closing gitmo

President Relegated To Basic-Cable TeeVee Show

It used to be that every time you turned on the sports, President Obama would be there, talking about how much he likes the sports. It was all very confusing! Like, you would be watching a baseball game, and all of a sudden the president was in the booth talking about this baseball game, and all you could think was, “That’s nice, but don’t you have something more presidenty to do?” But the sports have kicked the president out of them, apparently, because Barack Obama is now forced to appear on shows even farther down the teevee dial. Yes, the leader of the free world is going to be on that MythBusters show you sometimes watch when you are stoned. Read more on President Relegated To Basic-Cable TeeVee Show…
  better than 'how toilets work'

Here’s a Sneak Preview of Sarah Palin’s Dumb TeeVee Show

Unloved circus bear Sarah Palin has big plans to become President Queen of God’s America soon, because not even a majority of Republicans can tolerate her reality-teevee idiot antics, but in the meantime she needed to squeeze some more Hollywood Millions out of her favorite place, Hollywood. And that means a Sarah Palin TeeVee Show, on the basic-cable “how pizza works” channel for the obese & unemployed, “History Channel.” “The Learning Channel.” (Ha, what?) Read more on Here’s a Sneak Preview of Sarah Palin’s Dumb TeeVee Show…
  seemed like such a good idea on paper

Parker-Spitzer Ratings Tank, Proving Existence Of Loving God

CNN this year has posed a bold question: Is America ready for a TV news/chat/whatever show co-hosted by an ex-governor disgraced for patronizing prostitutes and a Pulitzer-prize winning columnist who hates both half-breeds and snowbillies? America has taken its time getting back to us on this, but we finally heard from them, and they said “What? No, hell no, we are not watching that”: Read more on Parker-Spitzer Ratings Tank, Proving Existence Of Loving God…
  wonkette world o' books

Bill O’Reilly Reminds Us That He’s ‘Not Yoko Ono’

Frenzied teevee oaf Bill O’Reilly (of the beloved family sitcom The O’Reilly Factor) had a brainwave one day, possibly while overhearing his Lincoln Town Car chauffeur listening to the Ramones: Why not divide humanity  into “Pinheads” and “Patriots?” Bill O’Reilly is a lot like Jesus, you see, who came to divide people into “patriots and goats,” or something like that. Apparently this idea impressed Bill’s agent and publisher when they were having their bi-monthly “throw the Squishy Ball of Creativity around” meeting. And that’s how America’s newest Must-Read Book, Pinheads and Patriots, came into the world. How good is it? Read more on Bill O’Reilly Reminds Us That He’s ‘Not Yoko Ono’…
  it's morning in america

Celebrate Fifty Years of Horrible Teevee Politics

Fifty years ago yesterday, Americans gathered around the boob tube to watch John Kennedy debate Richard Nixon. Richard Nixon was sweaty and forgot to powder his nose, so he lost for being so ugly — if he was handsome he probably would have won, which he eventually did, in 1968, “when it mattered.” Point is: This historic teevee moment was the beginning of the end for the old saw “politics is Hollywood for ugly people.” (Politics actually is still Hollywood for ugly people, but now we have “the Photoshop” and also “boob jobs.”) Many would argue that over the years teevee has made politics exponentially less substantive and infinitely more superficial and silly. This is why Americans love the so-called Visual Age, because it gave us Dana Perino. America is tired of looking at Robert Gibbs. [Fortune/YouTube/Kansas City Star] Read more on Celebrate Fifty Years of Horrible Teevee Politics… Read more on Celebrate Fifty Years of Horrible Teevee Politics…
  cretin news network

CNN Will Become Sleazy Moronic Copy of Headline News

Last-place cable news network CNN (which literally means “Cable News Network”) has a new boss, Ken Jautz from sleazeball-idiocracy sister station Headline News, which hasn’t broadcast any news beyond celebrity abortions, videos of animals farting and redneck baby-cannibalism trials since, we imagine, the first Gulf War. Jonathan Klein, the genius executive behind such hits as “A Retarded Person Named Rick Sanchez Is Confused By Earth But Fascinated By Fire and Loud Noises,” was just fired and didn’t even get to come to work today to clean out his desk, which was stuffed with drool-caked issues of Highlights For Children, which he constantly had to pluck away from Sanchez during commercial breaks. Read more on CNN Will Become Sleazy Moronic Copy of Headline News…