Tag Archives: teevee

  never go with a hippie to a second location

Cancel All Your Friday Nights: MSNBC To Present ‘Scream At Stews With Alec Baldwin’

Ahem: Mediaite has learned from a senior source in the cable news industry with knowledge of MSNBC’s programming that actor Alec Baldwin is getting his own weekly show in MSNBC’s primetime lineup. According to our source, the so far untitled show will air Fridays at 10 p.m. ET and will feature a large dose of Baldwin’s outspoken liberal politics. Read more on Cancel All Your Friday Nights: MSNBC To Present ‘Scream At Stews With Alec Baldwin’…
 

Was Loser Congressman Thad McCotter House Of Cardsed By Evil Staffer? Sure Why Not

So remember Thad McCotter? The nobody Congressman who ran for president of the Iowa Straw Poll and lost, and then failed to gather enough real petition signatures to run for reelection, and then quit Congress in a blaze of glory and banal Dylan lyrics as his former staffers were about to be indicted for petition fraud? Yeah, that Thad McCotter. But maybe Thad wasn’t such a bad guy. Maybe he was a patsy. A pigeon. A mark. Someone nefarious forces could put in a frame and take control of the all-powerful 10th Congressional District of Michigan. And maybe those nefarious forces intentionally forged those petition signatures so McCotter would get caught and They could House of Cards replace him with Their hand-picked Congressman to do their bidding in western Wayne County Michigan. It all makes perfect sense. Tattaglia is a pimp. He never could have outfought Yr Wonket’s Thaddeus. But he didn’t know until this day that it was Barzini all along. Read more on Was Loser Congressman Thad McCotter House Of Cardsed By Evil Staffer? Sure Why Not…
  Unappetizing Force Meets Incomprehsible Object

Happy Fun Gingrich Offers To Be Human Sacrifice On Donald Trump’s Dumb Teevee Show

Here is a fun marketing fact: Yr. Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho, which is among the top locations for test-marketing new products in our great nation. Apparently, we have certain demographic characterisitics (doughy, gun-fondling, dog-owning) that are useful predictors of how a new product might sell. It’s sometimes pretty obvious, when for three weeks every convenience store checkstand features some horrifying new variation on an existing product, like Double-Caffeinated Cool Ranch Twix Bars. So here’s a trial balloon that may or may not sail: Newt Gingrich says he’d just love to be on Celebrity Apprentice, aka Donald Trump’s Festival of Fail. Your Wonkette enthusiastically hopes this comes to pass, because it would be Yooge and Beeyootiful. Read more on Happy Fun Gingrich Offers To Be Human Sacrifice On Donald Trump’s Dumb Teevee Show…
  two dudes sexting about two dudes debating

Ultimate Lectern Fighting 2012: Liveblogging Mitt & Barack’s First Debate

Good evening, America! There is a slight chill in the air tonight, a vague hint that the roasting forever summer is finally slipping away, that not even the industrialist villains have managed to completely prevent autumn from its tardy arrival. The chill, of course, is the Earth’s response to the cold dead vacuum of Mitt Romney speaking to the nation, via the prime-time television broadcasts known as the First Presidential Debate of 2012. Your old and unfaithful friends Newell and Layne have been brought out of the gun locker for tonight’s festivities, and we are ready to share in this 90-minute national tragedy with all of you. Let us begin … even though the CNN feed isn’t working? Read more on Ultimate Lectern Fighting 2012: Liveblogging Mitt & Barack’s First Debate…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans

Why hello, FLOTUS fans. Have you been wondering what your First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama has been up to the past few weeks? Anything particularly scandalous aside from hanging out on Pinterest looking at pictures of smoothies and going around, giving advice to hopelessly unemployed college graduates? Oh, here is something to freak out about: our FLOTUS went on “Live! With Kelly!” on Monday to show off how completely not-obese she is, which is very elitist of her. She was wearing “palazzo pants,” because again, she thinks she is too good for jorts and a two-for-one pack of tee-shirts from Walmart! That’s the thing about our Michelle. One minute she is renting out a Spanish palace mosque for herself and her closest girlfriends, and the next minute she’s jumping rope, like poor children do in after-school specials about diversity. Read more on Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement

We have been following Michelle Obama’s television escapades – most recently, an appearance on The Biggest Loser and Colbert – and we are not the only ones. Fox News would like you to know that Michelle Obama is now the “most televised” First Lady. When she’s not secretly plotting the Obama administration’s next move in the ongoing Battle of the Sexes (like the radio show/board game, except the prize is an unwanted pregnancy) our Michelle has been hitting every circuit, from late night comedy to mid-morning children’s to late afternoon tween. But since this is an election year, it is important, according to this article, to ask ourselves, “Was Michelle Obama being sincere with those muppets on Sesame Street, or just trying to get their votes?” Read more on Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement…
  how dare they

Tagg Romney Simply Does Not Care For ‘Mad Men’ Trash-Talking His Dead Grandpa

Fifty-First President of the United States Tagg Romney is hopping mad at the liberal media! This is what he perceives the hit AMC period piece Mad Man to be. On last night’s episode — THIS IS NOT A PLOT SPOILER, JUST A CUTESY ASIDE — Betty’s Republican operative husband, working for then-New York Mayor John Lindsay, was overheard telling the telephone that Lindsay wouldn’t be going to Michigan because “Romney’s a clown and I don’t want [Lindsay] standing next to him.” Get it? All of the Romneys, throughout time, have been Political Clowns. Read more on Tagg Romney Simply Does Not Care For ‘Mad Men’ Trash-Talking His Dead Grandpa…
  chuck grassley's twitter

Chuck Grassley Learns Devastating Truth About The History Channel

Oh, dear. Grampa Cornpants is experiencing the senior’s equivalent of discovering there’s no Santa Claus: Learning that the History Channel is just a bunch of alien Nazi sweepstakes porn that instantly lobotomizes the viewer. Oh god, now Grassley’s communications guy is going to holler at us for breaking the Santa Claus news to the Senator… but we’ll deal with that later. Read more on Chuck Grassley Learns Devastating Truth About The History Channel…
  fat diabetic snake eating its own tail

Wingnuts Furious About … Fox News Going Liberal

What are America’s old white racist exurban cretins on Medicare and Social Security upset about today? Oh, the usual: Obama, liberals, gays, sex, black people, youth, hippies, the poor, the rich, Mexicans, “the hip hop,” Iran, exercise, unemployment, unemployment benefits, vegetables, a talented black woman with addiction problems such as Whitney Houston, organic farms, birth control, people having sexual intercourse in general, solar energy, Mormons, national parks, public transportation, Europe, NPR, Media Matters, the New York Times, CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. WAIT WHAT IN THE ??? Yes, Fox News. The wingnuts have spastically lurched from one invented outrage to the next with such shallow furor that they finally wound up enraged about the very teevee channel that tells them what to freak out about. Read more on Wingnuts Furious About … Fox News Going Liberal…
  walmerica's greatest heroes

Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron Plot Moral Crimes At CPAC

What are these two future co-presidents of Walmerica talking about, high above the commoners at CPAC? Nothing that makes any sense, that is for sure! Also is there some sort of Behind the Music style sob story to explain why 1980s teen teevee heartthrob Kirk Cameron is now reduced to hanging out with a spoiled pot roast like Samuel Wurzelbacher? Read more on Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron Plot Moral Crimes At CPAC…
  stupor bowl

Karl Rove ‘Offended’ By Dull Ad Promoting Major U.S. Company

Tucked amid the Stupor Bowl teevee commercials for naked chocolate candies, cheesy salt chips, war pornography, and the latest domestic water-beers was this one featuring old Clint Eastwood, the next Bat-Man, scouring stadium catacombs for the The Joker or maybe the Taco Bell. “It’s halftime in America and our second half’s about to begin,” he says, to cringes everywhere. But the ad’s main point is just “Hey let’s hope the Chrysler car company gets back on its feet.” Sure, that sounds fine! Unless you’re known anus Karl Rove, who is offended by Eastwood’s hope for the recovery of one of America’s large companies. Read more on Karl Rove ‘Offended’ By Dull Ad Promoting Major U.S. Company…
  the king of comedy

Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate

Donald Trump, America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil, has bravely decided to follow all the GOP candidates for president by dropping out of the clown-show Republican debate he was scheduled to host. This is an unmitigated tragedy for political comedy and the “post-Xmas doldrums,” but Trump hates America and he obviously hates comedy, so these are the breaks. According to the Fox News Twitter Channel (?), Trump just put out this statement: “I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate.” NOOOOOOOOOO. Read more on Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate…
 

Supreme Court Obamacare Hearing To Enrich Lobbyists, Ruin Our Lives

In finally deciding to consider the constitutional merits of Obamacare, our black-robed Supreme Court overlords have gone and turned a deaf ear to our collective entreaties to PLEASE DON’T! as though we were some kind of publicly defended death-row inmate or something. Now the Divine Nine will get to run their stubby fingers through the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act’s supple entrails over five-and-a-half hours of oral arguments this March. Well, la-di-da for Law School over there! Meanwhile, the rest of us can look forward to MONTHS of Obama, Newt Romney, and associated jerkholes screeching on the teevee about who can bend the cost curve over the kitchen table harder, as the insipid and vacillating Harry and Louise watch in mealy-mouthed horror, forever and ever, until the sun explodes and it’s Election Day, 2012. Read more on Supreme Court Obamacare Hearing To Enrich Lobbyists, Ruin Our Lives…
  steal from the rich etc.

Tea Party People Bilked of $19 Million With Phony Wingnut TV Scheme

A group of Tennessee conservatives say they were easily bilked out of $19 million because some guy said, “Hey give me all your money and I will make a Tea Party TeeVee Network, all about your favorite subject: yourselves.” And then the guy allegedly took the money and ran, and now the Tennessee teabaggers are suing him because they are “judicial activists.” One of the dupes is/was Michele Bachmann’s state campaign finance director, so it’s good to know that Bachmann maintains her high standards nationwide. And even at the reduced-expectations definition of a “television network” in 2011 — a website with a video plugin — the “Tea Party HD” scam was magical. According to the lawsuit, “It was an investment scheme to defraud politically conservative-minded citizens who support the Tea Party mission.” Sucks to be a sucka! Read more on Tea Party People Bilked of $19 Million With Phony Wingnut TV Scheme…
  local teevee news

Are We Done With TV of Black People Charged With Misdemeanors Now?

Are those syndicated shows like “C.O.P.S.” still a thing, with the haw-haw video of poor people committing minor property crimes or trying to take some drugs to dull the misery of existing in a rotten society? There’s still such a feature in the Bay Area, in the shitty KRON-TV local news. Let’s all have laffs about people with the wrong skin color breaking the rich man’s laws. Oh wait, this guy pulled over for being solo in the carpool lane is not having it. And why is the goddamned cop allowing this schlub to videotape someone accused of a crime? Is the cop getting a kickback? Are the slobs behind the camera sharing donuts? Read more on Are We Done With TV of Black People Charged With Misdemeanors Now?…
  satan is real

‘Dancing With the Stars’ Releases Chilling Image of Satan (Nancy Grace)

Monstrous trash-cable crime-porn death-beast Nancy Grace is joining the noxious reality-celeb ritual gyration glitter program Dancing With the Stars. This is Living Proof that Satan is real and amongst us, today. Americans watch THIRTY-SIX HOURS OF TEEVEE per week, every week, on their slow Rascal-assisted journey to the Medicare Crematorium, so it’s very likely that almost every American will at least see a “promo” for this wretched shit circus. Would you like to see a large, horrifying press photograph of Nancy Grace on Dancing With the Stars? We guarantee it will almost make you forget the painful image of a tiny Hollywood dancer man struggling to hoist Teen Mom star Bristol Palin closer to the klieg lights, so that she might burn like some slob Icarus in the global warming Midnight Sun of trailer park apocalypse. Read more on ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Releases Chilling Image of Satan (Nancy Grace)…