Oh BLAST YOU, Center for Disease Control! You issue these fancy figures about rising teen birth rates, knowing full well that the only thing Americans find more interesting than celebrities getting buried alive in coffins of cow eyeballs is the thought of teenagers fucking each other. So everybody gets excited at all the hot teen sexx happening, right now, furtively, in walk-in closets and wood-paneled basements across the United States, and then it turns out that these exciting statistics are from 2006. MORE »

A Barack Obama “Hope office” in Vincennes, Indiana was vandalized around 2:00 a.m. this morning. “One large window was smashed and several other windows spray painted with racial comments,” but no one was hurt. Damn racist teenagers and their Hillary obsession! [iReport]

Karate movie star Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee’s most effective supporter in his useless presidential campaign, is the target of terrible teenage violence in New Jersey: “Just as I was turning away (again) in disgust from America’s awry juvenile daily news, I found myself a constituent of it, when two New Jersey teens were arrested after a teacher found a ‘hit list’ that contained my name.” Someone needs to save him before the rascals pour Mountain Dew on his straw-man effigy and burn it with Xbox Fire! [World Net Daily]

John McCain’s Straight Talk Express rolls on with Day Two of his “Service to America” tour, where he goes and visits the ol’ Prohibition-era haunts of his childhood (like old, depressed men do in movies). WALNUTS! went to his alma mater — the elitist Episcopal High School — in Virginia today. All of the students had to attend and watch him reminisce about towel-slapping his pasty racist friends in the steam room after a rowdy match of Kick the Can. Then one student had the nerve to ask what the hell this crap-on-a-stick biography tour had to do with them, and WALNUTS! naturally got fresh with the ingrate. MORE »

Because there are hardly any pressing problems left in South Africa with which its government must deal, two weeks ago President Thabo Mbeki (on the left) signed into law a bill that makes it a criminal offense for teenagers under 16 to “kiss, touch or rub up against each other in public.” They probably did this in some sort of half-assed effort to stop the spread of AIDS in South Africa, since they don’t really want to get into things like comprehensive sex education and massive condom distribution programs and whatever, not that Mbeki believes that HIV causes AIDS anyway. This was, in fact, also the rule at my high school, and I was warned for holding my boyfriend’s hand under the lunch table and then given detention for whispering in his ear and it definitely didn’t stop me from having sex, so take that lunchladies and stupid government leaders! What did keep me from getting pregnant/diseased from said sexing, though, was the extremely comprehensive sex ed classes that were required by the State of New York and taught without embarrassment by our teacher. But, hey, a new law criminalizing teenage PDA is sooo much better. [Cape Argus]

New law decriminalizes some teen sex in Indiana (that’s only some teen sex, so be sure to read the fine print, perverts) [FOX]

Barack Obama’s past will certainly be an issue in his Presidential campaign. There are already rumors floating around the internet’s series of sewers that he was secretly raised Muslim, that he was damningly angry and radical, and that his middle name is “Hussein.” But most damning of all might be this yearbook photo, in which we learn Obama’s high school nickname. There will never, ever be a President named “Barry.” MORE »

• Zagat restaurant guide gets punk’d as giggle inducing puns evade detection. [Brunch Bird]

• Fistful of change goes missing, clues point to DC-DMV employees know as “Half Street Mafia.” [Countersignature]
• Hundreds of punk rock fans forced to call mom for an early pick-up last night after 9:30 club sorta caught fire. [DCeiver]
• WaPo’s “best bets” rankings not as useful as a list of the worst bars in DC, compiled by ” drunkards and vagrants.” [Cafe 227]

“Get out, kid. It’s not too late.”

EXCLUSIVE PICTURES of Lesley (daughter of Tom) Ridge’s wild, outta control graduation party at the White House! Which looks like it may have been attended by upwards of four people! (We don’t mean to judge too harshly — grad parties are just for your parents’ friends/bosses to give you cash and ask where you’re going to college, and we know that when we were that age, our more fun friends never woulda gotten past the security checkpoint, let alone into the East Wing)

Seriously, don’t let Laura Bush plan your graduation party. Though we’re sure she’ll cut you a pretty hefty check. Couple more photos (cause you know this shit’s getting deleted), after the jump.

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The Washington Post reports today:

Slightly more than half of American teenagers ages 15 to 19 have engaged in oral sex, with females and males reporting similar levels of experience, according to the most comprehensive national survey of sexual behaviors ever released by the federal government.

Maybe a woman can be president after all! MORE »