Tag Archives: teenagers

  Got some big math test to study for or something?

Kids These Days So Lame They Don’t Even Get Potted Up On Legal Weed

DO NOT DO THAT, KIDS, IT IS A JOKE.
We’ve been hearing the arguments for years from the Reefer Madness crowd: If you legalize drugs, then EVERYBODY will get potted up on weed, because removing the “forbidden fruit” aspect from things always makes them more appealing. Well it turns out that, according to a new study, legalizing medical marijuana does not lead to an increase in stoner teenagers, despite what you were warned. In fact, overall rates of teens doing the pot has DROPPED slightly in states that have legalized medical pot: Read more on Kids These Days So Lame They Don’t Even Get Potted Up On Legal Weed…
  he is spreading it out of his ass

Here Is Rick Santorum Spreading Leadership To High Schoolers In Totally Non-Political Way

So remember that dumb thing about Rick Santorum speaking/not speaking to some high school students about “leadership?” Well, he did speak Wednesday at Grosse Pointe South High School and got paid $18,000 for it. That means Santorum made in two hours 38% of the median annual salary of South teachers. And that’s a lesson, kids. The marketplace is full of irrational actors who will complain about the cost of educating their children into productive adults while throwing gobs of money at stupid crap. Like a Rick Santorum speech on leadership. Since Grosse Pointe South is yr Wonket’s alma mater, he weaseled a media credential and watched Rick Santorum spread his special brand of leadership across the gymnasium where yr Wonket played floor hockey and volleyball back when Kurt Cobain was alive. Here are some of the completely non-political “leadership” things Santorum shared with the children of a community that Jack Kerouac (former resident!) said lacked tragedy. Read more on Here Is Rick Santorum Spreading Leadership To High Schoolers In Totally Non-Political Way…
  never ever getting back together

Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry

Matt Drudge, long known as the man behind the homepage of the Internet for people who still think it’s 1998, has recently taken to posting on Twitter. Because he is basically just a crazy, hyperemotional shill, it turns out that what goes on under the hat is a continual teenage-lesbian-poetry breakup with America. Read more on Matt Drudge Has Melancholy Breakup With America, Tweets Sad Poetry…
  america's crucial issues

Levi’s Sister Says Bristol Palin Was Part of Teen Sex Tent Party, With Levi

Are we still talking about the sex lives of former teenagers in Alaska during the Sexy Summer of ’08? Well then, Levi Johnston’s sister, Mercede Johnston, has a hot new blog review of Bristol’s teen vampire fiction, Not Afraid of Publicity. According to Levi’s sister, who knows all about what Bristol did that summer because duh, Levi, there are reasons to question Bristol’s heartbreaking account of being accidentally knocked up in a tent due to Levi being a sketch artist who knew the secret magical powers of Wine Coolers. This is important to American Politics, so let’s see where Mercede is going with it! Read more on Levi’s Sister Says Bristol Palin Was Part of Teen Sex Tent Party, With Levi…
  is this why everyone was beating up glenn beck?

Tea Party Hero Takes ‘Pro-Bullying’ Stance Toward Gay Teens

There are only a handful of fairly uncontroversial statements you can make these days, stuff like, “the image of Al Gore making out with someone is gross” and “cancer should have a cure” and “the cruel treatment of children is awful.” Oh wait, except the last one, if you are full of rat testicles like Tea Party Nation leader Rich Swier, who says, hey everyone, God made this thing called “peer pressure” to keep kids in line, and those vicious teenagers who beat up on the gay kids? That’s just “peer pressure” at work keeping kids from acting gay. Hear that, parents? Peer pressure might be responsible for your teenager using drugs and alcohol, stealing, getting pregnant and making the wardrobe choices of a lobotomy victim, but at least it is dissuading your child from acting all homo. Read more on Tea Party Hero Takes ‘Pro-Bullying’ Stance Toward Gay Teens…
  still a young presidency

Rep. DeFazio: Emo Obama Says Not Passing Tax Deal Could End Presidency

Emo Obama is back, according to Obama-Republican tax-cut opponent Peter DeFazio, who said last night that the president is “making phone calls saying this is the end of his presidency if he doesn’t get” his deal passed. Oh, is that it? One thing doesn’t go his way, and suddenly the whole world has conspired against him and his feelings and completely ruined being president for him? DeFazio thinks the passing of this tax-cut thing actually will ruin Obama’s chances for re-election. How nice of him to look out for the young man! But he should be careful, because Obama will just quit if this doesn’t pass, because what is even the point of living if this particular package of tax cuts and economic adjustments doesn’t pass? And then the presidency will be handed to that annoying kid who thinks he’s everybody’s friend, Joe Biden. Read more on Rep. DeFazio: Emo Obama Says Not Passing Tax Deal Could End Presidency…
  rumors on the internets

Gresham Barrett Is a False Prophet, Amen

A policeman punched a teen-aged girl directly in the face — something new for your police brutality YouTube Playlist. [Hit & Run] Nikki Haley overflows with the spirit of Jesus. Then there is evil Gresham Barrett, who is the anti-Christ and moonlights as an abortion clinic. [RedState] Read more on Gresham Barrett Is a False Prophet, Amen…
  knocked up

Every Teenager Everywhere Is Pregnant

Oh BLAST YOU, Center for Disease Control! You issue these fancy figures about rising teen birth rates, knowing full well that the only thing Americans find more interesting than celebrities getting buried alive in coffins of cow eyeballs is the thought of teenagers fucking each other. So everybody gets excited at all the hot teen sexx happening, right now, furtively, in walk-in closets and wood-paneled basements across the United States, and then it turns out that these exciting statistics are from 2006. Read more on Every Teenager Everywhere Is Pregnant…
 

Obama Office In Indiana Vandalized!

A Barack Obama “Hope office” in Vincennes, Indiana was vandalized around 2:00 a.m. this morning. “One large window was smashed and several other windows spray painted with racial comments,” but no one was hurt. Damn racist teenagers and their Hillary obsession! [iReport] Read more on Obama Office In Indiana Vandalized!…
 

Teenagers Trying To Kill Chuck Norris!

Karate movie star Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee’s most effective supporter in his useless presidential campaign, is the target of terrible teenage violence in New Jersey: “Just as I was turning away (again) in disgust from America’s awry juvenile daily news, I found myself a constituent of it, when two New Jersey teens were arrested after a teacher found a ‘hit list’ that contained my name.” Someone needs to save him before the rascals pour Mountain Dew on his straw-man effigy and burn it with Xbox Fire! [World Net Daily] Read more on Teenagers Trying To Kill Chuck Norris!…
 

Sassy Teenager Makes Fun of McCain at Alma Mater

John McCain’s Straight Talk Express rolls on with Day Two of his “Service to America” tour, where he goes and visits the ol’ Prohibition-era haunts of his childhood (like old, depressed men do in movies). WALNUTS! went to his alma mater — the elitist Episcopal High School — in Virginia today. All of the students had to attend and watch him reminisce about towel-slapping his pasty racist friends in the steam room after a rowdy match of Kick the Can. Then one student had the nerve to ask what the hell this crap-on-a-stick biography tour had to do with them, and WALNUTS! naturally got fresh with the ingrate. Read more on Sassy Teenager Makes Fun of McCain at Alma Mater…
 

South African Government As Strict As High School Lunchladies

Because there are hardly any pressing problems left in South Africa with which its government must deal, two weeks ago President Thabo Mbeki (on the left) signed into law a bill that makes it a criminal offense for teenagers under 16 to “kiss, touch or rub up against each other in public.” They probably did this in some sort of half-assed effort to stop the spread of AIDS in South Africa, since they don’t really want to get into things like comprehensive sex education and massive condom distribution programs and whatever, not that Mbeki believes that HIV causes AIDS anyway. This was, in fact, also the rule at my high school, and I was warned for holding my boyfriend’s hand under the lunch table and then given detention for whispering in his ear and it definitely didn’t stop me from having sex, so take that lunchladies and stupid government leaders! What did keep me from getting pregnant/diseased from said sexing, though, was the extremely comprehensive sex ed classes that were required by the State of New York and taught without embarrassment by our teacher. But, hey, a new law criminalizing teenage PDA is sooo much better. [Cape Argus] Read more on South African Government As Strict As High School Lunchladies…
 

New law decriminalizes some teen sex in Indiana (that’s only some teen sex, so be sure to read the fine print, perverts) [FOX]
 

Obama: WE GO RUN PRESIDENT

Barack Obama’s past will certainly be an issue in his Presidential campaign. There are already rumors floating around the internet’s series of sewers that he was secretly raised Muslim, that he was damningly angry and radical, and that his middle name is “Hussein.” But most damning of all might be this yearbook photo, in which we learn Obama’s high school nickname. There will never, ever be a President named “Barry.” Read more on Obama: WE GO RUN PRESIDENT…
 

Metro Section: HarDCore No More

Zagat restaurant guide gets punk’d as giggle inducing puns evade detection. [Brunch Bird] Fistful of change goes missing, clues point to DC-DMV employees know as “Half Street Mafia.” [Countersignature] Hundreds of punk rock fans forced to call mom for an early pick-up last night after 9:30 club sorta caught fire. [DCeiver] Read more on Metro Section: HarDCore No More…
 

Bitchin’ Pool Party At the White House!

“Get out, kid. It’s not too late.” EXCLUSIVE PICTURES of Lesley (daughter of Tom) Ridge’s wild, outta control graduation party at the White House! Which looks like it may have been attended by upwards of four people! (We don’t mean to judge too harshly — grad parties are just for your parents’ friends/bosses to give you cash and ask where you’re going to college, and we know that when we were that age, our more fun friends never woulda gotten past the security checkpoint, let alone into the East Wing) Seriously, don’t let Laura Bush plan your graduation party. Though we’re sure she’ll cut you a pretty hefty check. Couple more photos (cause you know this shit’s getting deleted), after the jump. Read more on Bitchin’ Pool Party At the White House!…
 

Equal Work for Equal Pay

The Washington Post reports today: Slightly more than half of American teenagers ages 15 to 19 have engaged in oral sex, with females and males reporting similar levels of experience, according to the most comprehensive national survey of sexual behaviors ever released by the federal government. Maybe a woman can be president after all! Read more on Equal Work for Equal Pay…