December 12, 2013
Ah, Rick Santorum. Rick, Rick, Rick. After winning the support of 100 evangelical leaders this weekend, the conservative candidate solidified himself as a seriousish contender in the Republican race, which is exciting only because it means the New York Times will now spend the next couple of weeks writing probing examinations of this true Washington [...]
Our men’s room correspondent in Anchorage sent this wonderful picture of the bathroom wall at Ted Stevens International Airport. We guess this is what they call “publicly funded art” in Alaska, as everyone up there gets those “oil welfare” checks.
What are the fun primaries Americans are going to be forced to vote in, today? In Arizona, Walnuts McCain, having dispensed with his few remaining principles, will almost certainly obliterate huckster infomercial man J.D. Hayworth. In Alaska, the Senate primary fight between Lisa Murkowski and Todd Palin’s snowmobiling buddy is secretly a proxy battle between [...]
Here is a scan from the Seattle Times from, uh, sometime after Ted Stevens died in a plane crash, we guess, sent to us by a tipster known only as “foog,” who may or may not be the person who runs this blog full of funny headlines. It is one of those things where you [...]
Our New Hampshire colony is reeling today with the break of a major Facebook controversy: State House candidate Keith Halloran commented on an article about Ted Stevens’ plane crash that somebody posted on Facebook, saying, “Just wish Sarah and Levy were on board.” Apparently not everyone in America is expressing this sentiment about our once [...]
America’s greatest senator has perished in the usual terrible way of politicians in planes over Alaska, according to the local teevee news in Anchorage. Sarah Palin has pledged to stop Muslims from building a mosque at the site of the tragic crash.
YOUR UPDATE ON THE HEALTH OF OLD REPUBLICAN FORMER OFFICE HOLDERS: Former Senator Ted Stevens, his son, and ex-NASA head and current military-industrial complex shill Sean O’Keefe were on a small plane in Alaska that crashed earlier today. It is not known if they survived, though local authorities say that there are survivors, so keep [...]
Primaries today in Colorado and other, less amusing states, like Georgia and whatever. In addition to the nonstop comedy Colorado has already provided us, there is an exciting new scandal: a big ol’ story in the New York Times described a money-losing scheme Senator Michael Bennet got involved in while Denver’s superintendent of schools, with [...]
Sarah Palin’s in the news, everyone! For, let’s see here, lying. While most of her recent lies have been about covering up how that young man, Levi, this one is about how she told the media that she thought Sen. Mark Begich should resign so there can be a “fair” election between him and the [...]
Ha ha wasn’t it funny how Ted Stevens probably could have won back his Senate seat in Alaska if he hadn’t been found guilty in his corruption trial, but then he was found guilty, and he lost, and then Eric Holder threw the case away yesterday because the prosecution had mishandled it? Cool story. And [...]
TED STEVENS IS FREE: Everyone’s favorite white-guilt-inducer, Attorney General Eric Holder, has decided to drop all charges against mean old Ted Stevens, because why not. The Justice Department prosecution team apparently didn’t present all the evidence it had, and it was mean to witnesses. They are all being investigated. ET CETERA. [NPR]
The clock is ticking! George Bush has just a few short hours to issue blanket retroactive/pre-emptive pardons for all of the criminal leather queens and torture fetishists in his administration. But what about the other crooks who would also like a pardon?
Instead of fixing Florida’s terrible economy, Charlie Crist spent a quarter of a million dollars in sunny Madrid, including $1,300 on a minibar tab, presumably immediately preceding sex with his fiance, a known woman. [Andrew Sullivan] Mark Begich, who is from Alaska and is neither Trig nor Ted Stevens so why would you know who [...]
Ted Stevens is 85 years old and has served in the United States Senate since Reconstruction. He now has to leave, because he lost his latest re-election bid to some warm-blooded mammal from Anchorage. Join us as he delivers a stirring rendition of “Non, je ne regrette rien” before committing seppuku with a whale tusk.
UNCLE TED TO DELIVER HEARTBREAKING SWAN SONG: Ooooh this will be good! We hear that Ted Stevens will be giving his valedictory address to the Senate at 11am Eastern, so we will be liveblogging that. Get yourself a carton of caribou jerkey and we’ll see you back here in an hour. [Washington Post]