Tag Archives: ted stevens

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Sue Obama For Stealing The Internet

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The real story of this week’s Fartknocker Report (Presented By Fartknocker) is about Sarah Palin being super lazy all the way to the bank. We’ll get to that in a minute. But first, let’s watch a video in which Governor Quitterface boldly takes up the late Sen. Ted Stevens’s mantle as Some Alaskan Person Who Doesn’t Understand The Internet. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Sue Obama For Stealing The Internet…
  Thanks Texas

Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change

Behold! He stands before us!
2014 was the year when Senator Ted Cruz (R-Alberta) officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and became a true American. It was also the year when Cruz made his first successful title defense of Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award (National Division). How else did Ted save the soul of America this year? Let’s Wonksplore! Read more on Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change…
  Huh? What?

A Serious Critique Of Net Neutrality By Serious Donald Trump, Who Is Serious

Always confused, never in doubt
Ever since President Obama announced that he was going to socialize the interwebs — or as actual grown-ups call it, asking the FCC to reclassify broadband as a utility, thus ensuring net neutrality — the response from the right has been as thoughtful and reasonable as you’d expect from the party that has long opposed it. Read more on A Serious Critique Of Net Neutrality By Serious Donald Trump, Who Is Serious…
  It's not a truck

Let’s All Point And Laugh At Ancient Congressman Saying Sexting

Can we get a Drudge Siren for this?
Aren’t olds so the funniest, with their not understanding kids these days doing fancy things on their iStuff? Ha ha HA, let’s guffaw so hard at them and how they do not keep up with the latest thing that is the latest thing because OLD. We all remember laughing at Sen. Uncle Ted Stevens explaining how the internet is a series of tubes, which was pretty amusing at the time until you realized he was trying to do a favor for the big internet providers by ending net neutrality, and yet he did not understand how that worked, so then it was not all that funny, actually. Read more on Let’s All Point And Laugh At Ancient Congressman Saying Sexting…
  pork news

Rick Santorum Is a Giant Pork Spender, As It Turns Out

Ah, Rick Santorum. Rick, Rick, Rick. After winning the support of 100 evangelical leaders this weekend, the conservative candidate solidified himself as a seriousish contender in the Republican race, which is exciting only because it means the New York Times will now spend the next couple of weeks writing probing examinations of this true Washington insider. Oh look, here’s one. Thanks to new, more transparent rules on earmarks, we now have access to the earmarks Santorum made in 2006, the last year he was in the Senate — and the first year the transparency rules took effect. You take what you can get. Oh, but in the case of some of Santorum’s campaign donors, what you get is several million dollars! Read more on Rick Santorum Is a Giant Pork Spender, As It Turns Out…
  alaskan public art

Delightful Airport Restroom Graffiti Proves You’re In Alaska

Our men’s room correspondent in Anchorage sent this wonderful picture of the bathroom wall at Ted Stevens International Airport. We guess this is what they call “publicly funded art” in Alaska, as everyone up there gets those “oil welfare” checks. Read more on Delightful Airport Restroom Graffiti Proves You’re In Alaska…
  it's morning in america

Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not

What are the fun primaries Americans are going to be forced to vote in, today? In Arizona, Walnuts McCain, having dispensed with his few remaining principles, will almost certainly obliterate huckster infomercial man J.D. Hayworth. In Alaska, the Senate primary fight between Lisa Murkowski and Todd Palin’s snowmobiling buddy is secretly a proxy battle between Sarah Palin and the ghost of Ted Stevens. In Florida, Kendrick Meek will have to defeat a vulgar billionaire for the Democratic nomination to prove that he’s worthy to be Senator from a vulgar, bankrupt state. Also, people are voting in Vermont and Oklahoma, for some reason. Read more on Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not… Read more on Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not…
  too soon?

Seattle Times Defiles Memory Of Ted Stevens, Sarah Palin’s Best Friend

Here is a scan from the Seattle Times from, uh, sometime after Ted Stevens died in a plane crash, we guess, sent to us by a tipster known only as “foog,” who may or may not be the person who runs this blog full of funny headlines. It is one of those things where you have to decide if the copy editor on the desk that night was making a grim joke or was just tired and bored and came up with some stock phrase and then didn’t stop to think about its implications. Are you laughing at it? Then you are a monster, a terrible monstrous monster. Read more on Seattle Times Defiles Memory Of Ted Stevens, Sarah Palin’s Best Friend…
  e-handshake us sir

NH State House Candidate Somehow Not Congratulated For Wishing Death On Sarah Palin

Our New Hampshire colony is reeling today with the break of a major Facebook controversy: State House candidate Keith Halloran commented on an article about Ted Stevens’ plane crash that somebody posted on Facebook, saying, “Just wish Sarah and Levy were on board.” Apparently not everyone in America is expressing this sentiment about our once and future leaders Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston, because the Republican Party condemned Halloran for this. Will Sarah and that denim company ever recover from their hurt feelings? Read more on NH State House Candidate Somehow Not Congratulated For Wishing Death On Sarah Palin…
  rip alaska's robert byrd

TED STEVENS DEAD (Update: Or Not, Who Knows)

America’s greatest senator has perished in the usual terrible way of politicians in planes over Alaska, according to the local teevee news in Anchorage. Sarah Palin has pledged to stop Muslims from building a mosque at the site of the tragic crash. Read more on TED STEVENS DEAD (Update: Or Not, Who Knows)…
  the last frontier

YOUR UPDATE ON THE HEALTH OF OLD REPUBLICAN FORMER OFFICE HOLDERS: Former Senator Ted Stevens, his son, and ex-NASA head and current military-industrial complex shill Sean O’Keefe were on a small plane in Alaska that crashed earlier today. It is not known if they survived, though local authorities say that there are survivors, so keep your hopes up. Meanwhile, for “balance,” read this article about how Dick Cheney is definitely 100 percent alive after “hearth surgery,” if you consider someone with no heartbeat to be “alive.” [Reuters/AP] Read more on …
  it's morning in america

Dick Wadhams Hovers Over Colorado Primary

Primaries today in Colorado and other, less amusing states, like Georgia and whatever. In addition to the nonstop comedy Colorado has already provided us, there is an exciting new scandal: a big ol’ story in the New York Times described a money-losing scheme Senator Michael Bennet got involved in while Denver’s superintendent of schools, with the major source for the story being a supporter of Bennet’s primary opponent (though not identified as such by the Times). Dick Wadhams was unavailable for comment. Read more on Dick Wadhams Hovers Over Colorado Primary… Read more on Dick Wadhams Hovers Over Colorado Primary…
  blame todd

Sarah Palin Denies Calling On Begich To Step Down, Which She Did, Earlier

Sarah Palin’s in the news, everyone! For, let’s see here, lying. While most of her recent lies have been about covering up how that young man, Levi, this one is about how she told the media that she thought Sen. Mark Begich should resign so there can be a “fair” election between him and the very innocent Ted Stevens. The lie she’s telling, of course, is that she NEVER SAID THIS. Read more on Sarah Palin Denies Calling On Begich To Step Down, Which She Did, Earlier…
  doesn't hurt to ask

Alaska Republicans Want Special Election, For Ted Stevens

Ha ha wasn’t it funny how Ted Stevens probably could have won back his Senate seat in Alaska if he hadn’t been found guilty in his corruption trial, but then he was found guilty, and he lost, and then Eric Holder threw the case away yesterday because the prosecution had mishandled it? Cool story. And now the Republican party of Alaska has called for Sen. Mark Begich to resign so that he can run against Stevens in a special election, for fairness. Hmm let’s think about that NO. [Fox News] Read more on Alaska Republicans Want Special Election, For Ted Stevens…
  at least he lost the election

TED STEVENS IS FREE: Everyone’s favorite white-guilt-inducer, Attorney General Eric Holder, has decided to drop all charges against mean old Ted Stevens, because why not. The Justice Department prosecution team apparently didn’t present all the evidence it had, and it was mean to witnesses. They are all being investigated. ET CETERA. [NPR] Read more on …
  getting off

Who Will George Bush Pardon Today?

The clock is ticking! George Bush has just a few short hours to issue blanket retroactive/pre-emptive pardons for all of the criminal leather queens and torture fetishists in his administration. But what about the other crooks who would also like a pardon? Read more on Who Will George Bush Pardon Today?…
  rumors on the internets

Charlie Crist Delights In Madrid And Its Minibars

Instead of fixing Florida’s terrible economy, Charlie Crist spent a quarter of a million dollars in sunny Madrid, including $1,300 on a minibar tab, presumably immediately preceding sex with his fiance, a known woman. [Andrew Sullivan] Read more on Charlie Crist Delights In Madrid And Its Minibars…
  so long

Liveblogging Uncle Ted Stevens’ Sad Farewell

Ted Stevens is 85 years old and has served in the United States Senate since Reconstruction. He now has to leave, because he lost his latest re-election bid to some warm-blooded mammal from Anchorage. Join us as he delivers a stirring rendition of “Non, je ne regrette rien” before committing seppuku with a whale tusk. Read more on Liveblogging Uncle Ted Stevens’ Sad Farewell…
  bitter histrionics

UNCLE TED TO DELIVER HEARTBREAKING SWAN SONG: Ooooh this will be good! We hear that Ted Stevens will be giving his valedictory address to the Senate at 11am Eastern, so we will be liveblogging that. Get yourself a carton of caribou jerkey and we’ll see you back here in an hour. [Washington Post] Read more on …
  unfortunate juxtapositions

NYT: Disgraced Alaskan Senator Was A Mummy

Ted Stevens didn’t have a chance at winning his Senate race — not after reports surfaced that the RNC had paid $150,000 for his elaborate pine-tar facials and wardrobe of decaying burlap sacks. Thanks to commenter “belmonttau” for the screenshot. Read more on NYT: Disgraced Alaskan Senator Was A Mummy…
  fallen heroes

GOOD-BYE, TED STEVENS! “It’s official, and it’s a national tragedy: Ted Stevens has lost his Senate seat to some Democrat, in Alaska. Today, on his 85th birthday, the convicted felon and old white Republican Ted Stevens has been voted out of the office — voted out of office by Alaskans.” [AOL Political Machine] Read more on …
  uhh we'll do it later

TED STEVENS EXPULSION POSTPONED: The Senate GOP Conference delayed a vote today on expelling Ted Stevens from their weird little club. They want to wait to see how the Alaska vote turns out! And, if you can even believe it, the MONSTROUSLY SLOW Alaska elections people are finally supposed to count the last major batch of ballots today. Mark Begich is ahead by 1,000-ish 2,374 votes and will probably win. But who knows? Sarah Palin could find some way to screw this up. [ADN] Read more on …