Tag Archives: ted nugent

  Death By Misadventure

Ted Nugent: Guns Don’t Kill THAT Many Kids, But What About Swimming Pools, Huh?

Still neither jailed nor dead
Ted Nugent has hit on a strategy that’s sure to end all calls for improving gun safety forever: Just say that the number of kids killed in accidental/irresponsible shootings is negligible, then point to something else that kills more people, and then, VOILA! No more liberals bitching about his precious guns! Read more on Ted Nugent: Guns Don’t Kill THAT Many Kids, But What About Swimming Pools, Huh?…
  Fuckabee if you're nasty

Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!

Gonna teach America some manners again!
Former Arkansas governor and current traditional values hall monitor Mike Huckabee announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination for president today in Hope, Arkansas, because he is from there, just like Bill Clinton! The theme of the day was “going from Hope to Higher Ground,” because using “hope” as a theme has never been done before, by a presidential candidate from Hope, Arkansas. There was nice uplifting music, like that Tony Orlando stuff Huckabee loves, and quite unlike that whore Beyoncé music the Obamas love, which Mike Huckabee knows is from the devil. Unfortunately, Ted Nugent was not there to help Huckabee sing about bitches’ pussies, BY WHICH WE MEAN KITTY CATS. Read more on Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!…
  But what if a bad guy with a gun gets in?

No Guns Allowed At NRA Convention, Now Everyone Will Get Mugged :(

But how can I get Sarah Palin to autograph my lady gun if I can't take it to the convention?
WHOA gun-humpers better put their right hands on their hearts and their left hands on the guns they put in their underpants to make their bulges look bigger, because the beloved National Rifle Association may have been infiltrated by Obama-loving anti-American liberals. They have announced that at their annual convention of donkey-fucking nutbags, to be held this weekend in Nashville, you aren’t even allowed to have loaded guns! How is this even safe? What if a bad guy with a gun somehow infiltrates the premises, like an Ay-rab or a black person? Read more on No Guns Allowed At NRA Convention, Now Everyone Will Get Mugged :(…
  Just What The Doctor Ordered

Ted Nugent Unravels Veteran Suicide Epidemic: Obama Did It

Why is he flashing Muslim gang signs?
Remember how a couple months back, Congress finally accomplished something weird and passed, unanimously, the Clay Hunt Suicide Prevention for American Veterans Act — named after a veteran who killed himself in 2011 — which President Obama signed into law early in February? The bill could have passed sooner, but retiring Sen. Tom Coburn personally blocked it until he finally left the Senate at the beginning of the new congressional term. It was a rare moment of bipartisan agreement, expanding outreach, mental health services, and peer support for Iraq and Afghanistan vets suffering from PTSD, traumatic brain injuries, unemployment, and other issues that contribute to an appalling suicide rate of approximately 22 vets daily. Read more on Ted Nugent Unravels Veteran Suicide Epidemic: Obama Did It…
  You'll have that Mariah Carey "Hero" song in your head by the end of this

Ted Nugent: Sarah Palin Is The Dream Dr. King And The Founding Fathers Died For

Ted must have been so nervous standing next to such a great American hero!
Ted Nugent said a stupid about Sarah Palin on the Lars Larson show, because it was a day, and why wouldn’t Ted Nugent take any opportunity to say a stupid about Sarah Palin? She is his HERO, you guys, and even more than that, she is apparently what the Founding Fathers were prophesying all along back when they wrote the Bible. Ted explained to Lars that Palin “is the perfect example of what our Founding Fathers envisioned for an experiment in self-government.” Read more on Ted Nugent: Sarah Palin Is The Dream Dr. King And The Founding Fathers Died For…
  no heart huckabee

Mike Huckabee: Doing The Gay Is Just Like Swearing, Having a Beer

Huckabee preparing to hold a shotgun to the head of a black American.
Dear practitioners of homogay buttsechs, Mike Huckabee — former Arkansas governor, Baptist minister, once and future failed presidential candidate, once and future Fox News host, Ted Nugent’s buddy (which does not at all make him a big ol’ hypocrite, no you shut up), America’s Great Moral Scold — would like you to know that he would just love to be your friend, because he doesn’t discriminate against friends based on their Lifestyle Choice, even if those Lifestyle Choices will condemn them to an eternity of roasting in perdition’s flames. Gosh, some of his friends use naughty words and drink the devil’s liquid, and Mike Huckabee is still their friend, because he is a Nice Guy. Read more on Mike Huckabee: Doing The Gay Is Just Like Swearing, Having a Beer…
  It must be the fever talking

Mike Huckabee: Ted Nugent’s Song About Ladies’ Vaginas Really Just About Kitty Cats

Mike Huckabee should probably stop talking now. After being universally mocked for writing in his new book that the Obamas belong in bad-parent prison for letting their daughters listen to Beyonce’s whore music — which is basically the same thing as buying them a stripper pole — he was then universally mocked even more for that time he was getting his rock on to a song about sexing ladies, with his BFF Ted Nugent, “an outspoken rocker and a political commentator, but above all, he’s a patriot.” Read more on Mike Huckabee: Ted Nugent’s Song About Ladies’ Vaginas Really Just About Kitty Cats…
  Why aren't the Obamas in bad-parent jail?

Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Beyonce Still Hasn’t Resigned In Disgrace

Mike Huckabee, perpetual maybe-presidential candidate, wrote a book about what’s wrong with America. Everything, basically, is wrong with America — including the Obamas allowing their daughters to get their hippity-hop on to Beyonce’s whore music. But it’s not as if he wanted anyone to notice that. That anyone in the media is all, “Huh? What?” just proves his point that America is a cesspool of Indecency and Immorality and other I-words. (The Huckster is also fond of the greatest I-word in the Bible, which no Republicans ever talk about, ever, but it rhymes with dimpeachment.) Read more on Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Beyonce Still Hasn’t Resigned In Disgrace…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Biblical Computer Programming, Obama’s Race Czar, And Other Horrors

Sudo bring me a muffin.
It’s time for another Derp Roundup, the occasional feature where we pressure-wash all the crud off our open browser tabs and bring you some stories that didn’t quite merit their own posts, but were too stupid to ignore altogether. Please administer brain bleach with caution. Read more on Derp Roundup: Biblical Computer Programming, Obama’s Race Czar, And Other Horrors…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: In Which We Hear From Some Turkeys

We elected not to use the Cosmo-Kramer-as-turkey image we first saw. You're welcome.
We really were planning to just get a couple of new posts up today and then coast on recipes while getting ready for Thanksgiving, but darned if we didn’t notice a couple of high-priority, short-shelf-life messages from idiots in the Comments queue. They simply would not wait until after the weekend, no sir. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: In Which We Hear From Some Turkeys…
  Consider Pants Shat

Ted Nugent All Racist About Ferguson, Nation Back To Normal

Still very much on the NRA board
Guys, we are trying so hard not to be All Ferguson All the Time, but then, dammit, along comes Ted Nugent and posts this idiocy to his Faceplace: Here’s the lessons from Ferguson America- Don’t let your kids growup to be thugs who think they can steal, assault & attack cops as a way of life & badge of black (dis)honor. Don’t preach your racist bullshit “no justice no peace” as blabbered by Obama’s racist Czar Al Not So Sharpton & their black klansmen. Say, did we mention that this man is on the board of directors of the National Rifle Association, and they wouldn’t dream of asking him to leave? The strongest thing the organization has ever said about the guy is “Ted is seen as Ted more than as an NRA board member.” Hey, he’s a rock star, he says wacky things is all. Read more on Ted Nugent All Racist About Ferguson, Nation Back To Normal…
  How To Fight Them Over Here Since Keeping Them Over There Didn't Work

Fight The Terrorists Your Own Self With These Easy Fox News Tips

  Now that The Terrorists are arriving in droves to invade America’s sandwich shops and do 9/11 to us, with “ebola” and “ricin” — but with even more 9 and more 11 — you are probably staying up all the nights wondering how to prepare for that … somehow. Fortunately, as always, Fox News has the survival tips you need. Read more on Fight The Terrorists Your Own Self With These Easy Fox News Tips…
  Snake Oil Cowboy

Ted Nugent Poops Pants Again

Still neither jailed nor dead
Walking Teabagger Id Ted Nugent is a man who knows what’s going on in the world. He is a fellow with what the French call the savoir faire, or “Savory Fairies” as we would say. And sure, maybe some of his prognostications haven’t quite come to pass just yet, such as the Absolute Tyrannical Monarchy of Barack Obama, or that disappointingly inaccurate prediction that he’d be dead or in jail by April 2013. But you can’t be as hell-raising a wango ze tango full-auto full-metal jacketed Patriot sonofagun as Ted Nugent without the occasional off day, or decade. What we’re getting at is that Ted knows stuff, man. And what Ted knows this week is that 1) Thursday is the anniversary of 9/11; 2) ISIS is one scary bunch of maniacs and they are very definitely coming across our completely unprotected borders right now; 3) Barack Obama is still a big pussy weakling subhuman mongrel sumbitch, not that Ted means that in a racist way; and 4) Guns solve everything. Read more on Ted Nugent Poops Pants Again…
  HELLLLLLO CLEVELAND!

Greatest Rocker In Universe Ted Nugent Wings On His Jet To Headline The Toledo Rib Jam

Now that Ted Nugent has taught Native Americans how to be Native American like him, Ted Nugent, he is done with those stinkyass unclean dipshit Indians whining about how the White Man “stole their land,” and doesn’t even think about them anymore. He’s got no time for their negative loser bullshit, “WAAAH, YOU GENOCIDED US,” buck the fuck up, Whatever The Casually Racist Term for “Native American Friend” might be! Oooh, perhaps is it kemo sabe? Does “kemo sabe” work? Read more on Greatest Rocker In Universe Ted Nugent Wings On His Jet To Headline The Toledo Rib Jam…
  Dances With Wingnuts

Hey Native Americans, Let Ted Nugent Tell You How To Be Native American Like Him

looks like a tribute to the historic Native American tradition of blowing up breast cancer with grenades
Hey, Dances With Nuge, what is up? Oh, you are more Indian than all the Indians who have canceled your concerts at their awesome casinos, and you would like to tell Glenn Beck about it, and Glenn Beck is the sane one in this exchange? Sounds fun, let’s roll tape! Read more on Hey Native Americans, Let Ted Nugent Tell You How To Be Native American Like Him…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Thanks For Keeping America Free, Ted Nugent!

It’s a special 5th of July Derp Roundup, bringing you all the Red White and Blue idiocy we could scrape off our browser tabs. Please consume responsibly, and we hope that your pets are finally recovering from the barrage. Read more on Derp Roundup: Thanks For Keeping America Free, Ted Nugent!…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Eviscerates Sean Hannity, With Literal Viscera Everywhere (Video)

Jon Stewart clearly had entirely too much fun Tuesday replying to Sean Hannity’s pissy little tirade about Jon Stewart’s coverage of Hannity’s hypocritical coverage of the Bundy Ranch Freedom Cow Jamboree. Round three of the volley was just about everything you could want from a Daily Show segment. Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Eviscerates Sean Hannity, With Literal Viscera Everywhere (Video)…
  don't retreat reload

Let’s Help The Wendy Davis Campaign Stop Sucking So Hard

We love Wendy Davis. You love Wendy Davis. We and you want to do very sexy things to Wendy Davis, even the straight chicks. Unfortunately, even saying that is the kind of thing the Wendy Davis for Governor campaign would send out an OUTRAGED PRESS RELEASE ABOUT. Most of you don’t get Wendy Davis for Governor’s press releases. We are here to tell you they are terrible. Wendy Davis’s campaign is trailing lightweight nothingburger Greg Abbott, hard. And they think the answer is to say LOOK AT THE BIG MEAN MEN THEY SAID UNLADYLIKE THINGS ABOUT A LADY. Can you even imagine Ann Richards boo-hooing like that? She’d laugh in their goddamn faces, her French manicure (we assume) digging straight to their nuts. Hell, can you imagine Sarah Palin boo-hooing like that? Fuck, you’re being a worse candidate than Sarah Palin. COME ON. Wendy Davis for Governor staff, “poor me” only works if you are a Republican. Toughen up buttercup. Read more on Let’s Help The Wendy Davis Campaign Stop Sucking So Hard…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Basket of Argle, Bargle, and Babble

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you a bunch of stories that didn’t quite merit a post of their own, but that were far too stupid to ignore altogether. Apply alcohol directly to your central processing unit as needed. Or your computer’s. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Basket of Argle, Bargle, and Babble…