Wonkette

* “With syphilis cases in Virgina more than doubling in only three years, state officials yesterday launched a campaign to increase public understanding of the disease and how it is spread.” Everyone knows that Syphilis comes from Old Joe, the Syphilis Stork. Just remember: Virginia is for lovers and only pussies use a condom. [WP]
* “Tourist #1: ‘The Ted Kennedy Memorial should be around here somewhere.’” [Eavesdrop DC]
* “David Chu, undersecretary of defense for personnel and readiness, sent the scolding May 2 memo to top military and civilian leaders. It came after Mark W. Everson, Internal Revenue Service commission, notified Defense Secretary Robert Gates that the department had a relatively high delinquency rate for paying federal taxes.” [Examiner]
* Breaking: Columbia Heights Giant OK for shitting. [Mr. T in DC]
* We’d like like to share with you this poem. Ahem. It’s called “Sweaterpuppets.” [Craigslist]

Far be it for us to make fun of crazy people who aren’t Michele Bachmann, but it seems that there’s some kind of bicameral kerfuffle going on about just how much mental health coverage insurance carriers should be required to give. The Senate plan, considered more favorable to the insurance industry, is sponsored by Ted Kennedy; the House plan, backed by 60 percent of the members and more favorable to the crazies, is sponsored backed by noted alcoholic/depressed person … Patrick Kennedy. MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: Richard Simmons was at the Capitol “spreading joy.” … No more stache for Rep. Peter DeFazio — who will keep the flame alive now? … Congressional Record claims John McCain introduced an amendment in the House. Madness! … Barney Frank doesn’t care if the Republicans obstruct the Dems, he just wishes they weren’t so boring about it. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Local boy makes good! [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Donald Rumsfeld still alive, hanging out at the Hoover Institution. John Fund got his digits! “Not for an interview, just to talk.” We did not make that quote up… Joe and Valerie Wilson are gone, forever. [Examiner]
* The Sleuth: Bush hosts coffee date for neocons… Vanessa Williams and Dick Durbin: BFF! [WP]
* Shenanigans: Ted Kennedy had yet another birthday party. Everyone was there! … Happy CPAC weekend! … John Edwards: Lying about his favorite movie? [Politico]

* Heard on the Hill: There are racy pictures of that American Idol contestant from DC on the internets. She’s “cavorting” in the WWII Memorial fountain, for some reason… Scooter Libby partied with two young women at Poste Brasserie last Saturday. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Ted Kennedy apparently got a black Aston Martin for his birthday, but now his wife says it was a rental… Patrick Fitzgerald drove down to DC from Chicago just to prosecute Scooter Libby. How sweet of him! … Mark Foley finally sold his DC house. Made out pretty good, too. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: California Governor Ranier Wolfcastle suggests that a “smoking tent” in the Capitol would solve all sorts of partisan woes… Most congressional websites suck… Humorous typo on the White House dinner menu! [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Googling Giuliani for president” brings up a McCain ad… Obama’s children desperate to know why the hell they have to be in Iowa… Richard Lewis donated money to Joe Biden. Nothing makes sense anymore. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Rudy’s interviewing tailors… McCain snubs CPAC… Al Gore: still puffy! [Politico]
* Inside the Beltway: GEORGE W. BUSH: DOUBLE-DIPPER. [WT]
* The Sleuth: Bob Ney’s chief of staff pleaded guilty, turns out Ney kept his dirty money in a safe in a his House office. [WP]

* Reliable Source: Crazy Bill Cohen and his crazy wife continue to sell their crazy book about love. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: “Bill Clinton” sent out a “dear friend” email in support of Hillary’s campaign… Bob Dole’s former Press Secretary wrote a book based on when a drunk Pentagon contractor expressed a drunken desire to kill Bill Clinton… MSNBC’s own Chris Matthews and Tucker Carlson will be on NBC’s own 30 Rock tonight. SYNERGY! [Examiner]
* Inside the Beltway: Happy 450th Birthday, Ted Kennedy! [WT]

* A primer for politicians on how to cover-up their humorless sycophantic nature for five minutes while on teevee. [Politico]
* It’s impossible to read a Ted Kennedy post without hearing the slurring in your head. [HuffPo]
* Hillary campaign blogger’s background is so top secret it doesn’t even say “top secret” when Googled. [Election Central]
* Sean Hannity knows that “teachers are more dangerous than Al Qaeda.” Stay tuned tonight to learn how kittens and their yarn balls are destroying American values. [Think Progress]
* The Politico says Barack and Michelle (”Barchelle”) are as nice as those pretend colored people from The Cosby Show. [Politics.Wikia]
* Voters don’t care if a President loves the cock, pretty adamant about loving the Jesus. [Political Arithmetik]
* In Connecticut, Christopher Dodd gets a silver medal for futility — McCain takes Gold. [The Swamp]

These sightings always bring more questions than answers. Is Tom Vilsack so hard up for publicity that he’ll sit in a window scarfing burgers to get noticed? What makes George Allen think he’s still a member of Congress? Is James Carville sane? Does Donald Rumsfeld need a lawyer for all the reasons we think he does? If Ted Kennedy can get his dog to follow his commands, how come no one else does? Is Chris Matthews sane? Has Norah O’Donnell been watching too much Godfather II? Did Tucker Carlson rub one out to Miss America after their lunch? Keep reading to see what’s making us wonder about this stuff, plus a former congressman who travels with the kind of luggage you don’t carry if you want to get your gayness fixed.

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There are “life lessons” for all new beauty queens. Miss USA and Miss Teen USA learned it’s best not to be caught having coked-up lesbian sex together, and new Miss America Lauren Nelson has learned it’s best not to hook up with DC Examiner gossip Patrick Gavin, because he’s just going to put it all in the paper. MORE »

As we reach the eleventh hour of the 100-Hour Reich, Ted Kennedy seems to be the only one standing up to this Surge absurdity while Nancy Pelosi has boldly banned smoking in the Speaker’s Lobby. MORE »

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According to today’s Yeas and Nays, Senator Ted Kennedy carries around his own ass-pillow — emblazoned with his name and the great seal of the US — just in case. MORE »

Guess who somehow found room in his liver for some backbone? Teddy Kennedy! MORE »

Of course we’re talking about a Kennedy … who did you expect, a Carter? MORE »