Tag Archives: ted kennedy

  wonkette investigates

How Did We Respond To Attacks On US Diplomats Before Hillary Clinton Did Them All?

Your Wonkette was wondering: Prior to 9/11/12, when God and Hillary Clinton did 9/11 Classic to four Americans in Libya, a place of Muslims, was there anything? Here’s what we mean: Did history start on that date, or was there a bunch of stuff that “came before,” stuff like other terrorist attacks on US diplomatic targets under other presidents? We shall now examine a collection of these past events, as well as the political reactions to them. What will we learn about our current awful political culture and how it uses terrorist attacks to score cheap points? (Hint: No one was bothered when it happened like a million times under Ronald Reagan.) Read more on How Did We Respond To Attacks On US Diplomats Before Hillary Clinton Did Them All?…
  i will debate warren if she drops out

Scott Brown Will Debate Elizabeth Warren, But There Better Be Some Goddamn Perrier In the Green Room

The Queen Mum of Massachusetts, Vicki Kennedy, has invited Scott Brown and Elizabeth Warren to a senatorial debate at the Kennedy Institute in Boston, sponsored by MSNBC. Scott Brown thought about it a little before responding to ol’ Vick’s pleasantries with a rider: He’ll do it, but only if (a) no MSNBC cameras are within 1,000 miles of Boston and (b) Vicki Kennedy doesn’t make an endorsement, because she’d definitely endorse Elizabeth Warren, giving her a marginal short-term boost in the polls! Read more on Scott Brown Will Debate Elizabeth Warren, But There Better Be Some Goddamn Perrier In the Green Room…
  no peeking

Oh, Look, Romney Attacked Kennedy’s Blind Trust During 1994 Senate Race

Mitt Romney, who was slightly more humanoid in 1994 than he is today, also thought blind trusts, of which he has one, and which he passionately defended during Thursday night’s Jacksonville debate, were terrible, devious things. How exactly did he put it? Oh yes, a blind trust is an “age-old ruse.” Read more on Oh, Look, Romney Attacked Kennedy’s Blind Trust During 1994 Senate Race…
  for the love of tedium

Mitt Romney Admits He Isn’t Really Sure Why He’s Running for President

It seems reasonable to predict that about ninety-nine out of every hundred news analysis pieces about Mitt Romney from now until the general election are going to be making the argument that Mittens is a black hole for strongly-held convictions who appears to be running for office since it just sort of seems like the thing for a bored multi-millionaire to do every few years, because that’s about the rate at which we have been seeing these stories since 2007. So Mittens will just clear this up right now for everyone: he told an audience at a rally in Boston that he doesn’t really know how he ended up running, it’s just some “unusual thing” that he “backed into” because he was a skinny, unpopular dork in high school. No more terse media analysis needed! Read more on Mitt Romney Admits He Isn’t Really Sure Why He’s Running for President…
  should've said 'madonna'

Bland Humanoid Romney Unsure Even of His Stance on Music He Likes

Here is some hilarious archaeological evidence of hair gel-powered mannequin Mitt Romney’s lifelong struggle to convey a basic sense of humanity courtesy of the year 1994 when he was campaigning for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat: an energetic high school nerd interviewer lets candidate Romney rattle off his talking points before asking him whether he likes the music playing in the background, but Mittens looks like he’s just been asked a trick question: “Well, I like music of almost any kind, including this.” Good save! How well did Mitt’s “think of me as an oversize blob of flavorless Jell-O” tactic work for him in 1994? (Hint: the answer is, Ted Kennedy won the race even in a year that overwhelmingly favored Republicans.) Read more on Bland Humanoid Romney Unsure Even of His Stance on Music He Likes…
  job creation vs. evolution

Elizabeth Warren Hates ‘Job Creation’ For Sympathizing With Jobless

How do you prove you hate “job creation” in America? According to a new GOP commercial attacking Elizabeth Warren, you do this by expressing sympathy and support for the jobless Americans taking part in the Occupy protests nationwide. The ad was created by Karl Rove’s anus Crossroads Grassroots Policy Strategies, some wingnut consulting firm that is legally a fetus in America. The commercial’s ominous narration says, “Fourteen million out of work, but instead of focusing on jobs, Elizabeth Warren sides with extreme left protests.” So it’s apparently “extreme left” to protest joblessness, and it’s not “focusing on jobs” to support the jobless who are protesting joblessness, is that right? This is going to be a tough campaign year for the Karl Roves of this world! Read more on Elizabeth Warren Hates ‘Job Creation’ For Sympathizing With Jobless…
  the good old days

FBI File: Ted Kennedy Had Secret Sex Parties, Rented Out Brothel

Ted Kennedy is dead, so we are now able to look at his (albeit very redacted) FBI files to see some of the very Kennedy sorts of things he did over the years. For example: An ambassador’s ex-wife said he and his brothers had sex parties with Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. and Marilyn Monroe at a New York hotel. Also: He rented out an entire brothel in South America for one night in the 1960s, where he was meeting with various Reds and other leftist people part of the giving-people-access-to-health care conspiracy. Still, even when Teddy was renting out brothels for himself, he was a man of the people: “Kennedy allegedly invited one of the Embassy chauffeurs to participate in the night’s activities.” What a kind man. Read more on FBI File: Ted Kennedy Had Secret Sex Parties, Rented Out Brothel…
  suck on this malaise

Jimmy Carter: Jimmy Carter Is The Best Ex-President Ever

America’s most adorable former President, Jimmy Carter, is making the teevee rounds today because he has a new book he wants to sell. But teevee production staffs do not mind all the work they’re going to have to do trying to get that old-peanut stench out of their couches, as Carter seems to have drunk some fermented peanut juice this morning by accident and has GONE ROGUE. On The View, he told the ladies he doesn’t care that he shits on Ted Kennedy in his new book even though Ted Kennedy is dead, that he identifies with the passion of the Teabaggers, and that he’s releasing this book because he needs the money. Later, he told Brian Williams, “I feel that my role as a former president is probably superior to that of other presidents.” Read more on Jimmy Carter: Jimmy Carter Is The Best Ex-President Ever…
  old people and their 'rights'

Sure, Orrin Hatch Will Support That Mosque Thing

We all know that Orrin Hatch loves Judaism and singing about his favorite holiday, Hanukkah. But apparently he loves all other religions too. And thus he supports the rights of Muslims to build a community center in Manhattan, if they want to, he said in an interview with a Utah Fox affiliate. No biggie. “And there’s a huge, I think, lack of support throughout the country for Islam to build that mosque there, but that should not make a difference if they decide to do it. I’d be the first to stand up for their rights,” he said, Muslinly. Read more on Sure, Orrin Hatch Will Support That Mosque Thing…
  so she wants to be one of them?

Sharron Angle Believes There Are ‘Domestic Enemies’ In Congress

How did we miss this? Earlier in the week it was reported that Sharron Angle agreed in a 2009 interview that there are “domestic enemies” within the “walls of the Senate and the Congress.” Wow, Americans are really dumb! You want to kill the terrorists, you guys, not elect them to high office. Unsurprisingly, because she hates terrorism and is MOST DEF not one of those terrorists herself, Sharron Angle has stood by this claim. Read more on Sharron Angle Believes There Are ‘Domestic Enemies’ In Congress…
  falls from grace

SCOTT BROWN’S NIGHTMARE: Sexy Senator Scared of Rachel Maddow, Abandoned By Wingnuts

Scott Brown, remember that guy? He was the Naked Senator, the 41st Vote, the 57th state, all the teabagger dreams realized and brought to life in the handsome form of some hairy-bellied Golem from the pages of a 1980s issue of Cosmopolitan. It was as if he drove that dumb mini pickup straight out to Hyannis Port, dug up Ted Kennedy and punched him in the mouth, even though Ted Kennedy is actually buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Oh yeah, and Health Care Reform passed — it’s the law now, in America. Scott Brown didn’t do shit. Read more on SCOTT BROWN’S NIGHTMARE: Sexy Senator Scared of Rachel Maddow, Abandoned By Wingnuts…
  this guy will be fun

Remembering This Historic Night, When The Naked Man Tried To Sell His Daughters

We assume that guest editor Josh Fruhlinger knew all along, ever since he wrote this post about some mean and very very naked state senator three years ago, that this same asshole would sooner or later win Ted Kennedy’s (and John F. Kennedy’s before him) Massachusetts Senate seat after the legend’s death, severely endangering the passage of the popular first black President’s signature, year-in-the-making comprehensive health care reform bill — the elusive holy grail of Ted Kennedy and the Democrats’ legislative agenda for the past half-century — and that on his election night he would literally try to auction off his daughters to a foaming mob of drunk Teabaggers. Well, maybe he never foresaw the whole Teabagger thing, but otherwise, yeah. [YouTube] Read more on Remembering This Historic Night, When The Naked Man Tried To Sell His Daughters…
  our nation's first white president

Liveblogging the Death of Socialism, Which Is Ted Kennedy’s Fault

Are you feeling nostalgic for Election Night 2008? This is almost exactly like that night, with a few small differences. For one, it’s again illegal to be black in America, so go back to Socialism-land, Rahm! Also, Andrew Sullivan may move back to Canada, he’s so bummed. There’s also a very good chance the beloved Health Care Reform will be passed. But still, SO SAD, right? MARTHA COAKLEY IS AMERICA’S BIGGEST LOSER. Let’s enjoy the final liveblog of the final night of the final election of Soviet America, because life is going to be awesome once the Republicans use their complete control of the White House and Congress to send you back to prison, hippie. Read more on Liveblogging the Death of Socialism, Which Is Ted Kennedy’s Fault…
  america's greatest campaigns

Democrats Bring Out All The Stops In Blitz For Coakley

Hey, does anyone know anything about this Martha Coakley lady? Well in that case, here’s our campaign strategy: KENNEDY KENNEDY KENNEDY TED KENNEDY TED KENNEDYTED KENNEDYTED KENNEDYTED KENNEDY TED KENNEDY. Then say “Swift Boat!” too, because that’s what they did to dead KENNEDYTED back in aught-four. It was terrible! [DSCC] Read more on Democrats Bring Out All The Stops In Blitz For Coakley…
  dream scenarios

If Only Ted Kennedy And John McCain Had Written This Health Care Bill!

President Walnuts does not think that dead Ted Kennedy likes this Senate health care bill very much — not because of the bill, just because it’s so partisan. Yep, that does suck. It’s what happens when the other party doesn’t negotiate in good faith, or is just retarded. Why is John McCain being so mean to Vickie “Reggie” Kennedy and her ability to channel her husband Ted’s dead thoughts, perfectly? [YouTube] Read more on If Only Ted Kennedy And John McCain Had Written This Health Care Bill!…
  rumors on the internets

Let Us Now Speculate On Subjects Regarding Fatal Brain Cancer and Contesting Coward Presidents

In case you didn’t get the memo, on Twitter: Thomas Friedman is still a dumb asshole. [Matt Yglesias] Sean Hannity is a “strong voice,” a Castrato, actually. [RedState] Howard Dean, who quit The Politics forever so he could spend more time staring at perky lady-breasts, would definitely vote against the health care bill if he was still doing The Politics, because that’s what a real PROGRESSIVE would do. [Think Progress] Read more on Let Us Now Speculate On Subjects Regarding Fatal Brain Cancer and Contesting Coward Presidents…
  children's guessing games

Let’s All Guess Who Will Get Ted Kennedy’s Ballin’ Office

Ted Kennedy’s been dead for what, a decade or so, in Kennedy-zeitgeist years? It is high time America’s other Senators begin tactlessly speculating about who will get his ritzy deluxe Capitol Building office! Here are the specs: third floor, the Capitol Building, Mall views, “a rustic coffee table that appeared to be hewn out of the old deck of a sailboat,” etc. etc. “It sounds pretty,” said Alabama Senator Richard Selby. First, that coffee table thing actually sounds a bit kitschy. And second, hey, fuck you Richard Selby, show some RESPECT. That office belongs to Ted Kennedy’s ghost until Senate Rules Committee chairman Chuck Schumer gives it to someone else… But WHOM? Read more on Let’s All Guess Who Will Get Ted Kennedy’s Ballin’ Office…
  hello new person

This Dude Is The New Ted Kennedy

Ha ha, Michael Dukakis loses again. This bro, former DNC chair Paul Kirk, was more or less picked by the Kennedy family. “Deval, darling, appoint this human, we used to summer together,” Vicki Kennedy urged the Governor of Massachusetts. But it was probably a good pick, because Kirk is familiar with Ted Kennedy’s staff and might actually have some sense of what the hell he’s doing. Oh golly. Check out John Kerry in the video! What a SEVERE couple these two will make, in the Senate. [NYT, YouTube] Read more on This Dude Is The New Ted Kennedy…
  cute boys!

Hey Massachusetts: Was Original Ted Kennedy Ever A Cosmo Centerfold?

Um… Cosmopolitan has WON whatever time of day allotted for sex! Let’s also throw in 1982, Cosmopolitan has also WON 1982, for this was the year when Scott Brown, the Republican running around in bad faith pretending he has a chance at winning Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, was awarded the magazine’s prestigious “America’s Sexiest Man” centerfold, which is like the “Ted Kennedy seat” of gay pornography. Ahh, he is naked, so so naked! Read more on Hey Massachusetts: Was Original Ted Kennedy Ever A Cosmo Centerfold?…
  totally thought they would wimp out

MASS. SENATE PASSES ‘TED KENNEDY MEMORIAL PARTISAN WARM-BODY ACT,’ HOORAY! Oh good, now Gov. Deval Patrick should be able to sign this quick fixeroo tomorrow and Michael Dukakis or whoever can putz around Washington for a few months, casting a crucial vote or two occasionally. Also, pundits can stop saying, “But the Democrats only have 59 seats, they need Olympia Snowe!!!” because it is not true anymore. No one needs Olympia Snowe! NO ONE! [Boston Globe] Read more on …
  start the smear campaign!

Michael Dukakis Is ‘Frontrunner’ For Fake Ted Kennedy Seat

Former Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis, who one time — for fun — let a black inmate run free so as to rape the white ladies, could be the next fake Ted Kennedy, for a few months! He is “the name most prominently mentioned” appointee for Gov. Deval Patrick, who awaits a bill allowing him to do this, which is being debated in the House today. This is big news, because most people had just assumed Michael Dukakis was dead. [Washington Post] Read more on Michael Dukakis Is ‘Frontrunner’ For Fake Ted Kennedy Seat…