Wonkette

Some mega-suburban evangelical church in Southern California will be the scene of the most epic political battle since Jesus took on the Romans: Saturday at 5 p.m. (8 p.m. Eastern), Obama and McCain will be locked in soundproof glass torture chambers while a goateed “powerful evangelical” hobbit will chillingly ask them questions about religions and whatnot. MORE »

American hero Ted Haggard, the former pastor of a MEGACHURCH in Colorado Springs who quit in 2006 after fucking male prostitutes while on meth, has finally finished his holy “Spiritual Restoration” program, and can do whatever he wants. And all he wants to do is bang his wife and worship Jesus and live in his old house, with Jesus! [AP]

As if the news about Mitt Romney weren’t enough to break our hearts, another pillar of rectitude has decided to pack it in. It seems Pastor Ted Haggard, who only a year ago became a “complete heterosexual,” has decided to end his relationship with the “Restoration Team” that performed his magical conversion. MORE »

Thanks to an eagle-eyed tipster, we now have reports that Sen. Larry Craig met with at least one male escort. But wait…it was the same male escort responsible for bringing down Christian evangelist leader Ted Haggard. Seriously, you just can’t make this shit up (Or can you?). Anyway, in a radio interview beefy boytoy Mike Jones said he didn’t actually have sex with Craig, but that the senator did come to see him. Maybe they just talked about their feelings? Incomprehensibly and for five straight days, due to all the meth? “I’ve been with many politicians and all I can tell you for a fact that Larry Craig is a hypocrite,” Jones said. Naturally, Sen. Craig’s office denied all allegations. But if they turn out to be true he’ll finally decide to remain in the Senate for another six years.

Escort: ‘Sen. Craig Visited Me’ [KESQ.com] MORE »

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today’s Cartoons.

Other than deep discounts on ink, is there anything political cartoonists as a class like better than a good metaphor? No. But just as sometimes you run out of ink and all the office supply stores are closed and you have to go to the bodega on the corner and you end up paying OUTRAGEOUS markup on little bottles of ink, and to add insult to injury you have to pay through a little door in a huge bullet-proof window and they write your $20 with a special marker to see if it’s counterfit … um, where was this going? Oh yeah, sometimes you go to press with the metaphor you have, not the metaphor you might want. Here are some of the attempts to draw parallels that maybe weren’t perfect, but, hey, deadline’s comin’.

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A hearty Wonkette Congratulations to Pastor Ted Haggard, who is now officially, completely heterosexual. It only took three weeks! The homosexuals will have to step up their game, it takes them years of indoctrination to turn kids gay. MORE »

We ignored the tragic tale of Reverend Paul Barnes for several days, because he’s not exactly a White House insider like supergay meth-addict Ted Haggard. But the forbidden man-love troubles of Rev. Paul led the Colorado evangelical pastor to resign in shame Monday, and his congregation of 2,100 anti-gay suburban Jesus Freaks will somehow get through this difficult time by secretly masturbating to gay porn on the Internets. MORE »

* Sam Brownback figures if he spends the night in jail, he’ll have to get some nutsack to butt-crack lovin’. [Political Ticker]
* Donald Rumsfeld is even in denial about the American Civil War. [Think Progress]
* “Experts” are now “evaluating” Ted Haggard’s gayness. [Pandagon]
* Laura Bush is too classy to slap the bitch that was wearing her same dress — she just had highly trained Secret Service agents go and fetch her another one. [Boozhy]
* “The greatest actor, ever” shares his wisdom on how to defeat terrorism, and defeat it the F.A.G. way. [HuffPo]
* Everything William Jefferson does is shady as shit. [MyDD]
* Noam Chomsky “could fart and it would smell like wisdom.” [Power, Seduction and War]

• New media fails Rick Santorum as his two full-time campaign bloggers can’t find a link to victory. [Blog P.I.]

• Regular basement bloggers thankful for self-aggrandizing post-election rant template. [Mr. Sun]
• One tiny ballot cast for a Democrat, one giant vote for Sean Penn, NAMBLA, the Klu Klux Klan, Pete Seeger, and Kim Jong-Il. [Sweetness & Light]
• Self styled hipster-minister blames Ted Haggard’s gayness on his wife’s refusal to strap it on and get the job done. [Pandagon]
• Supreme Court clerks are in it for the pussy, don’t care if you know. [Above The Law]
• Elvis Aaron Presley: registered voter, Memphis, Tennessee. [Voting in Memphis]
• Missouri Senate race to be decided by which candidate’s pronunciation of the state’s name sounds less like a redneck pig-fucker. [The Right Place]
• Next-to-last day of Katherine Harris’s political career goes swimmingly as she is endorsed by the brothers Bush. [The Swamp]

Mike Jones, the guy who blew the whistle on Reverend Ted Haggard’s love of meth and gay sex, did a radio interview on Sirius today. You wanted specifics, right? MORE »

Other than the increasing scientific evidence that Republican Jesus Freak = Weirdo closeted homosexual who needs some Rehab, there may be another reason Ted Haggard carried on a three-year meth/sex arrangement with a male prostitute. MORE »

Reverend Ted isn’t just a Bush Administration insider who had a personal gay male hooker and meth dealer. He’s an author! MORE »

The Internet just gives and gives and gives:

Ted Haggard’s wife reveals that it’s challenging to be married to a Big Shot Evangelist. But her faith helped her through the tough times:

God met me, spoke to me, and helped me as I sought Him. I learned to lean on Him and He so satisfied me that I felt increasingly free to love my husband and to participate with him in ministry and the life and calling God has given to us. I believe God delights in this type of relationship.

Yowza! No wonder Ted had to seek the pleasures of a male hooker from Denver! Gayle Haggard was being fucked by God! MORE »