Tag Archives: ted cruz

  futility in the pursuit of stupidity is actually a vice

Hero GOP Throws Tantrum, Votes To Stop Washington DC From Murdering Babies And Freedom

Have you been wishing that distressingly orange hobgoblin John Boehner and a group of even more conservative and unhinged congresscritters would raise the spectre of religious freedom in a way that isn’t just about worrying whether a cake-maker in flyover country will be forced to lovingly feed wedding cake directly to the mouths of gays? You are in so much luck, because last night the House voted to blurt RELIGIOUS FREEDUMB at all of Washington D.C., for having the goddamn gall to pass a law that says you can’t fire people just for liking to murder babies. Praise Jesus for the House of Representatives having the presence of mind to save Washington D.C. from itself. Read more on Hero GOP Throws Tantrum, Votes To Stop Washington DC From Murdering Babies And Freedom…
  don't even try to suggest he's wrong

Ted Cruz Too Smart For Real Senate Rules, Prefers The Ones He Made Up

S-M-R-T
Let us never, ever forget that Sen. Ted Cruz is smarter than all of us put together. He was a member of the Constitutional Corroborators when he was just a wee lad in Texas, reciting the Constitution — from memory! — at civic centers, and singing the praises of the free market, glory hallelujah. Also, he was a master debater at Princeton, and by the time he arrived at Harvard Law School, he was so convinced of his own intellectual superiority that he would not even lower himself to study with any of his fellow students who’d attended “minor ivies.” Read more on Ted Cruz Too Smart For Real Senate Rules, Prefers The Ones He Made Up…
  Molotov!

Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!

Now the evil scheming begins
Well, that wasn’t so hard! After waiting for a nearly record-setting 166 days to be confirmed, Loretta Lynch was finally sworn in as U.S. Attorney General by Vice President Joe Biden, who presumably saved his congratulatory groping for after the ceremony. Read more on Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!…
  And everyone learned an important lesson that day

Rich Gay Republicans Very Sorry For Not Knowing Ted Cruz Is An A-Hole

Know your bigots
Last week we learned that while Ted Cruz is very No Homo, he’s quite curious about experimenting with gay bucks. Which is why he attended a Manhattan soirée hosted by (in)famous hotelier businessgays Ian Reisner and Mati Weiderpass, to mention that some of his best donors are gay and also, he would love his daughters even if they turned out to be lesbians (although whether he’d attend their lesbian weddings is still in question). Read more on Rich Gay Republicans Very Sorry For Not Knowing Ted Cruz Is An A-Hole…
  Sunday Gossip Hour

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People

Gossiping cat has thoughts to share.
Happy Sunday, Wonketariat! We hope this love note finds you fat and happy. We should take a moment before we go get ACTUAL brunch, to do internet brunch gossip about the Most Popular Stories of the week. You all were all over the place this week, with your favorites! Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People…
  yes but does he eat arugula?

New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President

The New York Times is such a lovable whackjob sometimes. They apparently are having all kinds of fun doing profiles of the GOP presidential candidates! Wednesday, we learned that smug prick Ted Cruz was also a smug prick when he was in college, and that he gets all defensive when you make jokes about him. Today, it is Jeb Bush’s turn. What jewels of knowledge does the Times have for us, about Jeb? Oh, just that he really wants to be president, but he can’t because he’s not a big fatso anymore, which means he won’t be able to relate to Trans Fat-Americans. You see, Jeb Bush has lost weight, because he has gone on the trendy Paleo diet, and also he does crunches or something: Read more on New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President…
 

Ted Cruz Doesn’t Like Gays, Does Like Their Money

Just being a good Christian
Ted Cruz has made his position on gays quite clear: He’s against ‘em. His record of opposition to equality is extensive because if they want to be treated like human beings, they can just choose to Don’t Be Gay. He’s even called for a constitutional amendment to prevent the Supreme Court from ruling on marriage equality cases. When asked by radio host Hugh Hewitt whether he’d attend a gay wedding, he confessed that he’d never been invited to one (shocker), and then insisted that because he’s a Christian and loves everyone, just like the Bible says, the real issue is not how much he hates homos, but that the Constitution makes clear marriage is best left to the states, so long as those states don’t permit gay marriage because as a “constitutionalist,” he doesn’t believe in equality — or, as he calls it, the “radical gay marriage agenda” that’s persecuting Christians everywhere. Read more on Ted Cruz Doesn’t Like Gays, Does Like Their Money…
  this will totally work

Rep. Steve King Shows Gay Supreme Court Who Is The Very Straight Boss Of Them

Jesus
Rep. Steve King has introduced a completely new and different bill to stop the Supreme Court from forcing gay marriage on these United States in June. It is called the “Restrain the Judges on Marriage Act of 2015,” and it would make a law that says, whoops, sorry, if a case has “G-A-Y” and “marriage” in the title, judges aren’t allowed to hear it: Read more on Rep. Steve King Shows Gay Supreme Court Who Is The Very Straight Boss Of Them…
  except no he is not

Senate Cafeteria Cook Is On Food Stamps, Must Be One Of Those Moochers GOP Always Talks About

Not an exact rendering of the Senate cafeteria.
There is a piece in The Guardian written by Bertrand Olotara, one of the many service workers who ensures that Congress even HAS a place in which to grandstand, or alternately, sit around and do nothing. Olotara is a cook in the Senate cafeteria, and he and his fellow workers, employees of a government contractor, are pissed off, and they are striking. You see, Olotara, who cooks every day for senators and their staffers (when they’re not eating free Taco Bell or Chick-Fil-A), is on food stamps, because he is a single father, and he can’t afford to put food on his family on the $12 an hour he is paid to shovel gruel into Ted Cruz’s wordhole: Read more on Senate Cafeteria Cook Is On Food Stamps, Must Be One Of Those Moochers GOP Always Talks About…
  He's just that good

Ted Cruz’s College Years: Portrait Of A Young A**hole

Don't even try to take him on
Cuban-Canadian Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Daddy Issues) has always been a smug prick. Who knew? Everyone, that’s who! (It’s his schtick.) We were already aware of Cruz’s refusal, while at Hahhhvahhhd Law School, to dirty his elbows with anyone who’d attended the minor Ivies, as any son of a poor alcoholic immigrant father with WASPy aspirations to grow up to be president would. And that as a child, he was a member of the Constitutional Corroborators, a group of snot-nosed brats who mooch off their parents and travel around Texas, lecturing people about the virtues of the free market, which sounds so perfectly Ted Cruz, you’d think we were making it up. But we are not. Read more on Ted Cruz’s College Years: Portrait Of A Young A**hole…
  The new McCarthyism is just as gay as the Old McCarthyism

Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates’ Hidey-Holes

This time we'll burn the GAY witches!
It’s very tough to be a “family values” conservative these days! The Republican Party, for many years now, has viewed its wingnut anti-gay base as A Great Big Useful Idiot, so they all have a contest to see who can pay them the most lip service about God Hates Fags, and then they elect people who totally BETRAY THEM by failing to ban gays from even existing. Ken Mehlman used to run the RNC, and then he magically turned into a homosexual and now fights for so-called gay “marriage.” Laura Bush thinks it’s okay for the homosexuals to get married too! And do not even get them STARTED on Cindy and Meghan McCain, those gay-lovin’ bitches. So a group of wingnuts that calls itself the American Renewal Project has decided to go full McCarthy, investigating all the 2016 candidates, as well as their families and staff members, to see what kinda homosexuals and gay-lovers they’re hiding: Read more on Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates’ Hidey-Holes…
  The Poor Little Rich Governor

Poor Chris Christie Is Not A Rich Man. He’s Barely A Five-Millionaire!

Fact: Chris Christie regularly points his finger at richer people than Chris Christie
So here’s a nice little thinky piece on income disparities and how the merely wealthy see themselves as not especially rich, particularly not when compared to their obscenely wealthy friends. It takes as its focus New Jersey Gov. Christie, whose family income came to a mere $698,838 in 2013 ($160,054 from his job as governor, and $475,854 from his wife’s income at an investment bank), according to his taxes. And yet, even though that’s definitely enough to put him into the top 1 percent of earners, Chris Christie doesn’t feel rich, as he explained in New Hampshire Friday. Read more on Poor Chris Christie Is Not A Rich Man. He’s Barely A Five-Millionaire!…
  Also Something About Ponies Because It's Saturday

Ted Cruz Loves ‘The Simpsons.’ It’s Not Mutual.

None of these people would vote or Cruz. (Vader's endorsed Santorum)
So it seems that Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Moose Jaw) fancies himself something of a Simpsons fan, as he told The Federalist’s Ben Domenech in a recent podcast. He even did lines from his two favorite episodes, proving that he can relate not only to country music aficionados, but to rabid animation fans, also too! Read more on Ted Cruz Loves ‘The Simpsons.’ It’s Not Mutual….
  Daddy issues

Ted Cruz’s Dry-Drunk Daddy Will Save The Jews From Obama, For Jesus

Ted Cruz’s ex-drunk ex-deadbeat dad, Rafael, is a swell guy who loves to spread The Good Word about how God hand-selected his boy Ted to be the next president of the United States of Jesus. And also, of course, the Penultimate Good Word about how Obama sucks, as he did yet again while testifying to a group of Georgia teabaggers. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Dry-Drunk Daddy Will Save The Jews From Obama, For Jesus…
  Why can't white men catch a break?

Bill O’Reilly: Hillary Clinton To Murder All The Poor White Christian Men, Goodbye America

The world’s greatest and bravest and most honest award-winning war correspondent and objective reporter, Bill O’Reilly, offered his own Hot Take on Hillary Clinton’s chances of beating all the Republicans to a bloody pulp in the 2016 election. In O’Reilly’s fair and balanced nonpartisan analysis, Clinton has the clear advantage, and the reason will amaze you! Read more on Bill O’Reilly: Hillary Clinton To Murder All The Poor White Christian Men, Goodbye America…
  Bored now

Marco Rubio Really Really REALLY Wants You To Know He Will Lose For President Too

Are you not sexcited?
Marco Rubio has spent the past 24 hours trying to cocktease the internet into caring about his Big Announcement coming Monday evening, whatever it might be. Obviously, the world is on pins and needles, wondering what Rubio might announce, but now we do not have to wait until 6 PM to find out. Read more on Marco Rubio Really Really REALLY Wants You To Know He Will Lose For President Too…
  I was just cleaning my "gun" and it went off

NRA Convention Is Jizz-Soaked Festival Of Guns, Fear, Hillary-Hate, More Jizz

Scenes from the hotel rooms at the convention, probably.
The 2015 NRA Convention concluded this weekend in Nashville, and despite the fact that attendees were not allowed to carry their guns every single place they wanted, even if they thought they saw an ISIS or a black person, the convention reportedly went off without a hitch! Or a safety! In fact, the convention seems to have gone off in the pants of many of the speakers and attendees, but in a good way! Let’s enjoy some jizz-soaked highlights, which are the natural product of what happens when so much gun-humping happens in one place. Read more on NRA Convention Is Jizz-Soaked Festival Of Guns, Fear, Hillary-Hate, More Jizz…
  Not breaking

Hillary Clinton Ruins Everyone’s Sunday, Will Never Be President Now

Surprise!
Hillary Clinton broke her first campaign promise, before she even announced she was running for president, so SHUT IT DOWN, PEOPLE, she has no chance now. Last week, the not-exactly-breaking news broke that Clinton would announce her candidacy on Sunday, by video. Which she did, but she made the entire world wait, like, ALL DAY LONG, instead of announcing it at noon eastern, which she was supposed to do because The Guardian said so, which just goes to show she cannot be trusted (Benghazi!!!!!) — or that she’s a secret West Coaster, because the announcement came around noon, but Pacific time, which everyone knows doesn’t count. Read more on Hillary Clinton Ruins Everyone’s Sunday, Will Never Be President Now…
  who?

Some Chick Running For President Even Though She Has A Vagina And Everything, LOLOLOLOL

Christ, yes, we're ready already
The Interwebs are reporting that a broad named Hillz Rodham Somebody will be making a special announcement this weekend: Hillary Clinton is planning to officially launch her US presidential campaign on Sunday while en route to Iowa, a source familiar with the campaign has confirmed to the Guardian. Read more on Some Chick Running For President Even Though She Has A Vagina And Everything, LOLOLOLOL…
  Extra crazy Florida Man for president

You Won’t Be Laughing When God Makes Koran-Burning Preacherman President, Muslims!

For a minute there we were worried that next year’s presidential race would be impossibly dull, which would be Bad for Yr Wonkette. Sure, Rick Santorum and Carly Fiorina and Rand Paul and Ted Cruz and Ben Carson and Rick Perry and Marco Rubio and Bobby Jindal and whoever the fuck else has joined the Republican clown car this week are Good for Comedy, which is Good for Yr Wonkette, but we all know Jeb Bush will be anointed by His Daddy’s Rich Friends sooner or later, and he will speak Hispanic at us and then he will win and we’ll begin bombing something in the Middle East, which is a Bush family tradition, hooray! Read more on You Won’t Be Laughing When God Makes Koran-Burning Preacherman President, Muslims!…
  Jump in the pool -- the santorum's fine!

Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!

Santorum now available with SPF 45 protection!
Hurray, Rick Santorum is dipping his toes into the frothy fecal waters of the 2016 Republican clown car! Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are already in there, just splash, splash, splashing around, but Rick Santorum is not 100 percent sure he’s DTF yet, so he’s created a “testing the waters” account, just to see if maybe he might want to lose another Republican primary: Read more on Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!…