Tag Archives: ted cruz

  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Impressed By Ted Cruz, Or Weakened By A Hangover, Hard To Tell

Uh, oh, someone's got a case of the Mondays!
Early Monday morning, Peggy Noonan of the Little Sisters of the Ambien Blackout roused herself from slumber. Her head still gauzy from the weekend’s activities, she stumbled to her parlor, where her house-boy, Manuel, had already set out a carafe of strong coffee and packets of the headache powders he found at some Dominican-run bodega nearby. Those immigrants, always with the ridiculous miracle cures they imported from their native, backward countries! What she wouldn’t have given for some of her great-aunt’s strongly brewed tea right then, with just a splash of Irish to set the world right. Aye, to hear Aunt Mary singing of sailing from the sweet cove of Cork … Read more on Peggy Noonan Impressed By Ted Cruz, Or Weakened By A Hangover, Hard To Tell…
  like tears in rain

Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied

Same
For a brief moment yesterday, yr Wonkette knew in our blackened heart a moment of the purest, most unfettered joy such as we had never felt before. Purer than when we got that Atari 2600 we wanted for Hanukkah or the first time we touched some boobies. For just a moment we were free of the careworn chains we drag through our earthly life. We were a being of pure energy, soaring through the clouds above the mountains and deserts and oceans of Creation, reveling in the sheer amazing gift of a ravishing sunset, a majestic forest, our one true love’s smile. Read more on Louie Gohmert Teases 2016 Run Then Quickly Pulls Out, Leaving Us Lonely And Unsatisfied…
  On second thought ...

Ted Cruz Tossing A Fine Word Salad On Whether He’ll Enroll In Obamacare, Who Can Know? Not Him!

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
Remember when we all laughed and laughed and OMG LOL LIRL laughed so hard even more that Senator Ted Cruz was going to insure his family through the evil, illegal, immoral, jobs-killing, democracy-destroying Obamacare exchanges? Of course you do, it was yesterday, and we are still laughing. Read more on Ted Cruz Tossing A Fine Word Salad On Whether He’ll Enroll In Obamacare, Who Can Know? Not Him!…
  Troll Me Twice...Don't Get Trolled Again

Asking For ‘Obamacare Horror Stories’ Not Working Out That Well For Lying Assclown Cathy McMorris Rodgers

Statistician Twilight Is Offended By Your Pathetic Excuse For A Plot
Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-Washington) had a great idea to document just how horrible Obamacare has been for Americans: She went to her Facebook page, posted a chart that doesn’t merely lie about the ACA but also makes no logical sense (a bullet point list of lies would at least look sensible, but a line graph?), and invited readers to share their Obamacare horror stories: Read more on Asking For ‘Obamacare Horror Stories’ Not Working Out That Well For Lying Assclown Cathy McMorris Rodgers…
  Mad About A Thing

Ted Cruz To Cover His Family With Obamacare, THEN Kill It With Fire, Because He’s A Dick

Good thing they all get to have health insurance
It must be nice to be Ted Cruz. Sure, you have to actually be Ted Cruz, which sounds awful, but on the other hand, you get to be Ted Cruz. You can devote your entire life — or, OK, the two years you’ve served in the U.S. Senate, if you wanna get technical about it — fighting against the Affordable Care Act and then, just when you happen to need it, BOOM! It’s right there for you anyway. You can swear to turn this whole country around and burn it to the ground and piss on its corpse (for extra Take That! funsies) to give Americans the Freedom And Liberty to not have affordable access to health care and go bankrupt with medical expenses or maybe just die from lack of access to a doctor. And yet, you still get to use it when your wife takes an extended (although, come on, probably not that extended) unpaid leave from her Goldman Sachs gig to smile and wave next to you while you stump around the country saying stuff like, “I’m going to repeal every single word of Obamacare.” America is a hell of a country, isn’t it? Read more on Ted Cruz To Cover His Family With Obamacare, THEN Kill It With Fire, Because He’s A Dick…
  Load Up On Guns And Bring Your Friends -- Again

Ted Cruz Loves Good Old Country Music Because 9/11 And Also Pandering

‘John, let’s do a shot for the warden.’ And for the junior Senator from Texas.
Now this is some carefully targeted pandering! In an interview with CBS This Morning, Ted Cruz explained that the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, completely changed his taste in music, apparently because classic rock failed to meet his anger needs: Read more on Ted Cruz Loves Good Old Country Music Because 9/11 And Also Pandering…
  Here have some news n stuff

Girl Scouts Show Obama Science Projects He Did Not Build

Hide the kids, President Obama is trying to make them care about science again, what a jerk. And worse, he wants to spend YOUR MONEY to do it: As part of the Fair, President Obama will announce over $240 million in new private sector commitments to get more girls and boys, especially those that are under-represented, inspired, and prepared to excel in the STEM fields. With the commitments being made today, the President’s “Educate to Innovate” campaign has resulted in over $1 billion in financial and in-kind support for STEM programs. The president welcomed these young scientists who should be at homeschool reading the Bible instead by bossing them around with a bunch of rules, according to his remarks released via email by the White House on Monday, like “no taking your robots or electric go-karts for a spin on the South Lawn,” and “if you’re going to explode something, you have to warn us first. …Actually, just don’t explode anything.” No explosions at the White House? Unfair! Read more on Girl Scouts Show Obama Science Projects He Did Not Build…
  Vet The Cruz

Time To Inspect Ted Cruz’s Canadian ‘Birth Certificate,’ Obviously

But who is he REALLY?
Now that Ted Cruz has declared himself our next president, the 2016 election is pretty much wrapped up, right? He just has to get those laughably low approval numbers from his own party up to something above negativeteen, beat [insert name of a Democrat, any Democrat], and then Snowflake, the family puppy, “will finally get a back yard to pee in.” (Texas, it turns out, is a small state that doesn’t have a lot of space for back yards.) Read more on Time To Inspect Ted Cruz’s Canadian ‘Birth Certificate,’ Obviously…
  This Is The Worst Cruz I've Ever Been On

All Your Excited Reactions To Ted Cruz’s Big Presidential Jesus Announcement

These Rand Paul supporters were excited to be in the front row
Ted Cruz is ready to take America down the Jesus Road to national salvation, and some people are more excited about that than others. On the one hand, you have your Tea Party Nation, which declares Cruz “the only electable Republican” because he’s very smart and is “not handcuffed with the consultant class” that has kept Real Conservatives from winning the GOP nomination, and hence the presidency. And then there are fans of other candidates, like the Liberty University students in the photo above, who wore their “Stand With Rand” t-shirts for Rand Paul and made a point of sitting in the front row. Read more on All Your Excited Reactions To Ted Cruz’s Big Presidential Jesus Announcement…
  IMAGINE if Ted Cruz was president of the gays

Ted Cruz Would Be Very Bad News For Gays, If He Were President LOL

Not immaculate, but OK
Canadian Ted Cruz declared his candidacy for emperor of the US Americas today, having decided that the best way to run a presidential campaign is to blow your load really early, like a teenage girl trying to be the first say “FIRST!!!” in a Perez Hilton comment thread. He, of course, did his premature ejaculation announcement speech at Dead Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, the only known educational institution to have the distinction of being the safety school you go to if you can’t get into University of Phoenix. Speechifying at Liberty is a surefire dogwhistle, when you want to reassure hateful, stupid idiots that you are just as hateful and stupid as they are. Falwell, after all, famously blamed the gays, the abortionists and the ACLU for 9/11. Read more on Ted Cruz Would Be Very Bad News For Gays, If He Were President LOL…
  He imagines stuff too

Marco Rubio Will Replace Obamacare With Obamacare (And Tax Cuts), Can Be Preznit Nao?

He has ideas too, you know
Pity poor Marco Rubio, the other young Republican senator with a fascinating story of his family escaping Cuba — legally, like good immigrants, not those moocher scumbags who don’t fill out all the paperwork — so their son could one day grow up to imagine being president of these United States of Jesus. While Ted Cruz has officially launched his campaign — if not a fully functioning campaign website — to be an official loser in the 2016 presidential election, Rubio is thinking about it too, you know, and he’d like some attention please also! Read more on Marco Rubio Will Replace Obamacare With Obamacare (And Tax Cuts), Can Be Preznit Nao?…
  Common Core? Why Not An Exceptional American Core?

Ted Cruz Will ‘Repeal’ Common Core ‘Law’ When He Is ‘President’

Ted Cruz will do a faith-healing of America
In his amazing Liberty University speech where he announced that he’s running for President of Jesus, Ted Cruz promised to repeal every single word of an onerous federal law that oppresses America and is designed to promote socialism. Twice. First, he promised to repeal every single word of Obamacare on his “first day in office.” (Never mind that Sen. Cruz will actually spend January 20, 2017 watching someone else take the oath of office.) And then a little later in the speech, he also urged the well-scrubbed young people at Liberty University, Read more on Ted Cruz Will ‘Repeal’ Common Core ‘Law’ When He Is ‘President’…
  the clown car starts its engine

Ted Cruz Kicks Off Presidential Campaign, Wonkette Staffers Crying Through Orgasms

Thank you for not facing the camera, you Luigi the Plumber-looking motherfucker.
Today, Canadian anchor babby Ted Cruz, the señor senator from Texas, launched his campaign to be the Jesus-Humper-in-Chief of these Jesus States of America. In case anyone was unsure of which Americans Cruz was really speaking to, he chose as the site of his speech Liberty University, the evangelical Christian school founded by Jerry Falwell in Lynchburg, Virginia. No better way to show your commitment to the diverse religious masses that populate our nation than that! Read more on Ted Cruz Kicks Off Presidential Campaign, Wonkette Staffers Crying Through Orgasms…
  My Name Is URL

Oh No Ted Cruz Forgot Something

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
Getting a national political Republican campaign up and running is hard, guys. Just ask Sen. Rafael Edward Cruz, who’s declaring his candidacy today. There are just tons of little details you need to anticipate, like filing all the paperwork for an exploratory committee, setting up a PAC, asking Sheldon Adelson’s handlers if he prefers that you spit or swallow, and of course buying the website URL that consists of your own name plus “dot com.” Read more on Oh No Ted Cruz Forgot Something…
  Look Who's Frothing Now

Rick Santorum Meets South Carolina Lady Who’s Crazier Than Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum took a few questions from the audience at last weekend’s South Carolina National Security Action Summit, an annual Gathering Of The Wingaloos sponsored by conspiracy theorist, rightwing hack, and Islam-panicked freak Frank Gaffney. So it’s not too surprising that Santorum got this long “question” from a nice lady named “Virginia.” She started by explaining John Boehner’s secret deal with Obama to let illegal aliens into the country, and eventually built to a beautiful crescendo of Pure Weird: Read more on Rick Santorum Meets South Carolina Lady Who’s Crazier Than Rick Santorum…
  Next: The Inevitable Drunken Make-Up Sex

Glenn Beck Breaks Up With GOP, Won’t Return Any LPs They Bought Together

Who'll get custody of the Butthurt?
Oh dear. This is going to make for some awkward Thanksgiving dinners, we bet: Glenn Beck is done with the Republican Party because he just can’t stand how they keep cheating on him. On his radio programme Wednesday, Mr. Beck told the GOP that it’s not him, it’s them: Read more on Glenn Beck Breaks Up With GOP, Won’t Return Any LPs They Bought Together…
  Still Better With Kids Than Cheney. The Screams Haunt Us To This Day

Ted Cruz Now Terrifying Small Children In Person

This is not the disco inferno we were looking for
Watch out, Wonkers, it may very well be Ted Cruz day at Yr Wonkette. No, come back! We’ll have kittens later, maybe. Old Bile and Backpfeifengesicht was doing a Town Hall thing in New Hampshire Sunday when he used a metaphor that was just a little scary to a small girl in the audience. We’re talking little child, being held by her mom. Read more on Ted Cruz Now Terrifying Small Children In Person…
  Ground Control To Major Ted

Hero Ted Cruz Will Save Us All From NASA Studying Our Climate

JPL'S Orbiting Carbon Observatory 2
Ted Cruz is pretty darn annoyed with NASA these days, seeing as how it’s just been wasting a lot of taxpayer money studying the climate and foolishness like that. For heaven’s sake, everyone knows that NASA is supposed to be about space, and there is no climate in space. And that’s why he was ready to give a good talking-to to NASA Administrator Charles Bolden about all these stupid satellites that NASA has looking down at boring old Earth and its atmosphere and oceans, instead of looking out at other, more interesting things that are far away. So Cruz, who chairs the subcommittee that oversees NASA, kicked off a hearing last Thursday by asking Bolden just why NASA is ignoring its key mission of doing science to things that won’t cause problems for the fossil fuel industry. Read more on Hero Ted Cruz Will Save Us All From NASA Studying Our Climate…
  epic fail

Let’s Point And Laugh At Ted Cruz Trying To ‘Joke’ And Failing Miserably. For Fun!

President Ted Cruz (R-Not Really)
Here is a video of Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Needs New Material) trying to charm the International Association of Fire Fighters in Dallas this week, with some jokes! Apparently, conservatives eat up this crap and cheer and thump their chests and say “Oooh, Cruz for president!” A firefighters’ union, though? Not so much: Read more on Let’s Point And Laugh At Ted Cruz Trying To ‘Joke’ And Failing Miserably. For Fun!…
  Twitter diplomacy

Wait Up, Fellas! Bobby Jindal Wants To Be A Traitorous Senator Too!

Official Senate Portrait
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Howdy Doody Jindal wants to be president one day. That’s never going to happen, but just in case it does, which it never will, he’s promising not to do a single thing in the second half of his second term, because a REAL president would know better than to act like he’s still the president and, like, get stuff done. Read more on Wait Up, Fellas! Bobby Jindal Wants To Be A Traitorous Senator Too!…
  Ted Cruz Is The Best Ted Cruz There Is

Ted Cruz Will Win Back America By Mentioning Reagan, Sexting

He's got spirit, yes he does!
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Calgary) was on FIRE, y’all, preaching so hard at the attendees of this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference, and unlike most of the other RINO speakers, he didn’t need no stinkin’ TelePrompter to testify, praise the lord! Read more on Ted Cruz Will Win Back America By Mentioning Reagan, Sexting…