Tag Archives: ted cruz

  The roundup to end all roundups

Which Republican Candidate Can Lick That Kentucky Clerk Lady’s Knob Best?

LINE UP, BOYS!
LINE UP, BOYS! Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, she is the “it” topic in our political conversation right now! Is she a dumb hick lady who thinks her loving God will roast her in hell for all eterntity, on a pyre made of her own jumpers, for signing a gay marriage license? Yes! Is the Liberty Counsel using her as its pawn in a culture war it’s already lost? Ayup! Did she do so much adultery before she gave her heart to Jesus, it’ll make your head spin trying to figure out which husbands she was fuckin’ at any given time in her life or who her baby daddy is? Bingo! Despite all this, is she a great American religious freedom fighter hero? Some Republican presidential candidates sure think so! Read more on Which Republican Candidate Can Lick That Kentucky Clerk Lady’s Knob Best?…
  A noun a verb and Hewlett-Packard

Carly Fiorina Gets Lady Quota Affirmative Actioned Into Next Republican Debate

It's not because she's a woman, everybody just wants to see the demon sheep again.
It’s not because she’s a woman, it’s because of that Demon Sheep look in her eyes. Remember how Carly Fiorina has been complaining all the time, like every day, except for how she is SO NOT COMPLAINING (she’s been complaining), that CNN has some sort of lame “rules” about who gets to stand under Donald Trump’s armpits at the next debate? Well, all that complaining has paid off, because CNN decided to change the rules, JUST FOR HER, AWWWWWWW: Read more on Carly Fiorina Gets Lady Quota Affirmative Actioned Into Next Republican Debate…
  So dumb it hurts our feelings

Shocking New Polls Show Republicans Are Still Morons

Yes America is that dumb
Republicans. Still. After all these years, is our Republicans learning? Nope. We’ve seen the president’s birth certificate, we’ve read endless PolitiFacting, and even the team of private investigators Donald Trump sent to Hawaii four years ago has yet to make any earth-shattering announcements about finding the definitive proof that Obama was not born there. And yet: Read more on Shocking New Polls Show Republicans Are Still Morons…
  wonksplainer

Congress Planning New, Exciting Ways To Screw You In The Bottom This Fall

Congress
Don’t be a hero. Congress is coming back to DC, and you need this. Raise your hand if you are about to get fucked over by Congress. (Hint: All of you should have a hand raised.) Now use the other hand to pour yourself a stiff drink, because you’re gonna need it. Read more on Congress Planning New, Exciting Ways To Screw You In The Bottom This Fall…
  Read to find out which one!

John Boehner Said A Swear About Ted Cruz!

Dirty mouth!
Dirty mouth! The orange man who is the boss of the House of Representatives opened his orange face at a Colorado fundraiser and out came a cuss! And, boy howdy, we agree with him for once. He said the “J” word about Ted Cruz! Read more on John Boehner Said A Swear About Ted Cruz!…
  Me too!

Chris Christie: I Too Can Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter

America needs him.
Will this help? Keeping his campaign promise “to start offending people” — and trying to prove that he is the rightful heir to the title of Biggest A-Hole Republican Candidate, for the party’s voters desperately seeking the very biggest A-hole they can find — Gov. Chris Christie decided this weekend that he wasn’t going to allow primary rival Ted Cruz to make off with the Dick o’ the Week Award without a fight: Read more on Chris Christie: I Too Can Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won't be there. OR WILL SHE?
Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won’t be there. OR WILL SHE? Hey Wonkers! We had a big week! Did YOU have a big week in your job? Just kidding, this post is not about you. Did you hear the big news about how Editrix Becca invested in a Winnebago for the Wonkette, so we can do onsite “journalism” at the Iowa caucuses and the Republican convention and wherever else news is happening? Or wherever else we decide to do drinky things. We are going to do ALL the activities, and you should be very excited. Read more on Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  He Makes Us Mad. He makes Us Mean Mad

Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter

English lacks sufficient invective for this man
English lacks sufficient invective for this smug excuse for a human being. Sen. Ted Cruz, displaying the warmth and basic decency that have made him a legend among near-human beings, chose the day after former President Jimmy Carter announced that he has brain cancer to natter on about how terrible a president Carter was, but at least the man only had a single term before Ronald Reagan Saved America. Read more on Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter…
  Natural Born Idiots

Birthers Doubt Eligibility Of Anyone To Be U.S. President

You'd be surprised how many mollusks are in high office
It’s nice to know that the birthers won’t go away merely because Barack Hussein Obama is finally going to end his illegal eight-year occupation of the White House in January 2017. Now that they’ve studied up a whole lot on what they think is the incontrovertible law of the United States of America, they’ve decided that four of the guys riding the 2016 GOP clown car may also be ineligible to be president because they’re not really Natural Born Citizens. Read more on Birthers Doubt Eligibility Of Anyone To Be U.S. President…
  Profiles in Chutzpah

Kid-Dumping Arkansas Rep. Justin Harris Gets ‘Courage’ Award For Best Family Values

He Stopped Making Sense long ago
He stopped making sense long ago Remember Justin Harris, the Arkansas state representative who “rehomed” two adopted daughters with another family, where the new “daddy” raped one of the young girls? Not only is he a state legislator and an adoptive parent with terrible judgment, he’s also a super-fundamentalist Christian who sponsored a restrictive abortion law, so it only makes sense that a “family values” group calling itself “The Family Council Action Committee”chose Harris to receive its “Power Of Courage” award, because Justin Harris is clearly one brave guy, standing for the integrity of the American family even while making an unspeakable mess of his own. Read more on Kid-Dumping Arkansas Rep. Justin Harris Gets ‘Courage’ Award For Best Family Values…
  Now THIS is pro-life

Abortion Is Good For Everyone, It’s Science

A lot, actually Abortion is a wonderful thing. It’s a safe and simple medical procedure that allows women to control whether and when to have babies, and, in certain cases when a pregnancy becomes life-threatening, it saves women’s lives. That’s why a third of American women have abortions, and almost every single one of them (95 percent) are glad they did. Read more on Abortion Is Good For Everyone, It’s Science…
  squeal for me baby

You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To

Stupid Fox News. Stupid RNC. Stupid everyone who didn’t support Rick Perry and made him debate at the kids’ table and now he is out of money and doubtless going to be the first to drop out of the presidential race because he is having to do mortifying things like “fly commercial” and who are we going to diddle our beans at now, beady-eyed ferret-dad Scott Walker? Rick Perry may be A Idiot, but he’s got a real purty mouth, and we like to look at it and think bad thoughts, STOP JUDGING ME YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT A BONE FOR AARON SCHOCK. Read more on You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To…
  Republicans in so much damned disarray

Republicans Bleeding From Their Everywheres, And It Is Awesome

They sure love us
How’s the lady outreach going? The Republican Party is in the middle of a terribly bloody fight right now about which one of these assholes is the biggest asshole to women. (Hint: It’s all of them.) Thanks to the party’s current favorite presidential contender, Donald Trump, the GOP is trying, yet again, to prove it does not hate Vagina-Americans. And, like all the other failed attempts before this one, it’s going as well as you’d expect. Read more on Republicans Bleeding From Their Everywheres, And It Is Awesome…
  losers

Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President

Today’s Republican Party So there is a presidential election thingy, and it is a mere 15 months away, which means we all get to spend the next year(ish) talking all the words about it, hooray! We get to squint at a trillion polls, and read 10 trillion pixelated Hot Takes, and listen to eleventeen trillion “thoughts” sharted from the derp holes of television fat heads, hooray even more! We even get to spend 31 hours a day debating who gave the Koch brothers the best head, who is maybe heading to prison, who wore it best, who’s up, who’s down, and who the fuck is that on the debate stage? (Oh, it’s Jim Gilmore. Wait, who? Some guy, don’t worry about it.) Read more on Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President…