Tag Archives: teabaggers

  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab-Bag Of Grotesqueries

Welcome, kids, to Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we give our browser tabs a Silkwood shower, then inspect the drains for stories that are too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not enough to hang a full blog post on. We recommend that you apply the mood-altering substance equivalent of a wire brush to your brain before reading further. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab-Bag Of Grotesqueries…
  crazy eyes wide shut

The Debt Ceiling: Is Michele Bachmann Taking Jan Brewer’s Meds?

Could it be that Michele Bachmann has been visiting Jan Brewer’s medicine cabinet? As we noted in our year-end review, the Arizona governor actually said and did some pretty sane stuff in the last year; now it almost looks as if several other prominent teabaggers are engaged in similar flirtations with reality. Just look at this National Journal article about the prospects for a clean Debt Ceiling bill — Bachmann, who like other House Republicans seemed willing to hold a gun to the nation’s head last fall, is not quite going so far as to actually support a clean debt ceiling increase, but she’s also not holding hands with other Tea Party Caucus members and steering the economy toward a cliff this time around: “What I’ve heard from other members,” Bachmann says, “is that this is not going to be the hill that they’re going to die on.” “You have to know when to hold them and you have to know when to fold them,” added Bachmann, who isn’t advocating for a clean debt-ceiling bill. “You just need to be wise to know when to have political fights. It isn’t that our allegiance to principles have changed; it hasn’t at all. You just need to know when your opportunities are and when to exercise your leverage.” Why, that sounds incredibly reasonable and measured, Rep. Bachmann. What’s your dosage, incidentally? Read more on The Debt Ceiling: Is Michele Bachmann Taking Jan Brewer’s Meds?…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin with. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits…
  And What About All Those Red Indians?

Sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism

It’s Thanksgiving Day, so as we gather together with (or hide from) our families, however functional or dysfunctional they may be, let us remember the true meaning of any American holiday: It’s an opportunity to pound home a political lesson about why We Are Good and They Are Bad. It’s a revered grim tradition: You serve Susan Stamberg’s socialist NPR cranberry relish, and your Teabagger brother-in-law recites how the settlers of Plymouth Plantation nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. Here’s a fairly typical version of the story that was emailed to our Wonkette tip line last year; the story was also a favorite of Rep. Todd “Shut that down” Akin, and now Rush Limbaugh has a best-selling children’s book promoting the same fantasy. Happily, there are a couple of good debunkings of this idiocy, although they probably won’t carry much weight with teahadis, since they come from the radical communist New York Times and the Marxist-Trotskyist-Muslim-Gangnam-Style Right Wing Watch. Should culture war break out around the dinner table, you may just want to say you got your rebuttals from Paul Harvey. Then when they go to look it up on their smartphone, you can spill gravy on it. Be sure to apologize. (We got that tactic from Saul Alinsky.) Read more on Sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism…
  marco can't dance

Marco Rubio Fights To End Tea Party Migration To Other 2016 Candidates

Faced with a massive wave of Tea Partiers fleeing from his 2016 presidential hopes because of his support for comprehensive immigration reform, Florida Senator Marco Rubio is doing what he can to build a higher wall against further progress on fixing America’s broken immigration system. It is not known whether his new opposition to immigration reform will be enough to stem the flow of former rightwing supporters attempting to cross lines into other candidates’ camps. An aide to Rubio told Andrew Breitbart’s Home for Monsters From the Id that while it might be “realistic” for the House to pass several piecemeal bills addressing immigration, the catch is that once such a bill went to committee with the Senate, sneaky Democrats could then use the conference to force a comprehensive reform that might actually allow some Messicans to become citizens. So the smart thing, obviously, is to do nothing, which allows continued bitching about Barack Obama’s refusal to fix immigration. Problem solved! Read more on Marco Rubio Fights To End Tea Party Migration To Other 2016 Candidates…
  The Purple Prose of Texas

Texas Lt Gov Candidate Rejects Secession. Instead, Let’s Kick Out All The Liberal States.

You have to admire the creative thinking of Texas candidate for Lieutenant Governor Jerry Patterson. He doesn’t want Texas to secede from the United States; that’d be dumb. He loves Real America. Instead, how about we get rid of the states what Hate America? “I get lots of questions all the time, ‘Well, we should secede.’ I say, ‘No, I’ve got a better idea. Instead of secession, I’m a proponent of expulsion,’” he told the AP. “I want to kick about four states out of this union.” Specifically, that would be California, New York, Massachusetts and Connecticut, because who needs their liberalism and whatever piddling contribution to the GDP they represent? Also, we were not aware that this is the sort of thing that the Texas lieutenant governor has a say in, but apparently the way you become Texas’s Second Lady is to tell people about how you’d tackle stuff that the job has nothing to do with, like impeaching the Preznit. Read more on Texas Lt Gov Candidate Rejects Secession. Instead, Let’s Kick Out All The Liberal States….
  pity party of personal responsibility

New Jersey Senate Loser Steve Lonegan Would Have Won If It Weren’t For That Darn Government Shutdown

There’s a very simple explanation for why Steve Lonegan lost last week’s special election for U.S. Senate to Cory Booker: The government shutdown. OK, that, and Lonegan’s being a loathsome asshat, maybe. But mostly the government shutdown, Lonegan told the Star-Ledger in an interview published Monday: “There is no doubt in my mind or in the minds of any of my campaign staff that the shutdown cost me the election,” Lonegan said in a post-mortem interview today. “If I had known it was going to happen and that it was going to be handled so badly in Washington, I wouldn’t have run for senate.” We guess the shutdown just reminded all the Takers how much they love being enslaved and not helping themselves, so they voted for the Moocher candidate, right? Read more on New Jersey Senate Loser Steve Lonegan Would Have Won If It Weren’t For That Darn Government Shutdown…
  Derp In The Heart of Texas

Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst Finds Campaign Issue, Calls For Obama Impeachment

At a Tea Party meeting Monday night at a Lutheran church in Fort Worth, Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst, who is running for re-election, called for the impeachment of President Barack Obama. This is now apparently something that lieutenant governors now have a say in. “This election is about protecting you and your freedoms, which are given to you by God, but which are being trampled on by Barack Obama right now. I don’t know about you, but Barack Obama ought to be impeached,” he declared to hearty applause. “Not only for trampling on our liberties, but what he did in Benghazi is just a crime.” After Dewhurst and other candidates spoke, the crowd was treated to a talk on how scary Muslims have infiltrated the U.S. Government, and then they rounded out the evening by threatening to beat up the only reporter in attendance, because lamestream media. Read more on Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst Finds Campaign Issue, Calls For Obama Impeachment…
  trolling through the park one day

States Paying To Re-Open National Parks Wish Feds Would Bring All That Oppressive Money Back

As we mentioned yesterday, the cognitive dissonance around the defunding of government has been pretty strong these last couple of weeks. The fairly basic notion that if you vote to not fund a government service, that service goes away seems to mystify some folks on the right, who have decided that the shutdown of national parks and monuments is really just something that Barack Hussein Obama has ordered out of personal spite, because he is just mean. So now, several states where tourism dollars actually make a big difference to the local economy have decided that they’re willing to pay to re-open the parks. But they’re also really not happy about it. See, the thing about lurving that 10th Amendment so much that you wish the federal government would just go away also means that you can’t have a lot of the nice things that the mean old jackbooted thugs provide, unless you pay for them. And your state may not have the same ability to pay, because tax base — and your state’s own idiotic “job-attracting” tax policies. Yes, we know, socialistic madness. Read more on States Paying To Re-Open National Parks Wish Feds Would Bring All That Oppressive Money Back…
  the usual suspects

Organizers Of ‘Million’ Vet March On DC Memorial Shocked — Shocked! — It Turned ‘Political’

For some darn reason, the organizers of the “Million Vet March on the Memorials” are suddenly distancing themselves from the fine people who showed up in DC over the weekend to tear down the barriers around the WWII Memorial and demand the impeachment of Fake Preznit Obama. On their homepage and their FacePlaceSpace page, the organizers annonce their “Official Stance” (wide): The political agenda put forth by a local organizer in Washington DC yesterday was not in alignment with our message. We feel disheartened that some would seek to hijack the narrative for political gain. The core principle was and remains about all Americans honoring Veterans in a peaceful and apolitical manner. Our love for and our dedication to remains with Veterans, regardless of party affiliation or political leanings. Gosh. Can’t understand why people showed up at a rally whose organizers also said that “barricading and shutting down the World War II Memorial to veterans…a despicable act of cowardice” would somehow think it was a political event. Read more on Organizers Of ‘Million’ Vet March On DC Memorial Shocked — Shocked! — It Turned ‘Political’…
  and a patriot riding a hoverround shall lead them

After Awesome Rally, Teabaggers Winning Shutdown Showdown, Say Teabaggers

Let us kick off this long week of resisting the urge to cock-punch every conservative within a thousand-mile-radius with a quick summary of the absurd sights in our fair nation’s capital city on Sunday, where hundreds of dipwads gathered at the World War II memorial to protest it being closed due to a government shutdown that had been demanded, initiated and cheered on by these same dipwads and the febrile-brained poop gibbons they elected to represent them in Congress. Will you <headdesk> until your brain bears a striking resemblance to the lesion-festooned lump of Jell-O that resides within the skull of the average NFL veteran? Perhaps you should take a moment to fetch a nice soft pillow before you read on. Read more on After Awesome Rally, Teabaggers Winning Shutdown Showdown, Say Teabaggers…
  get your teabagger bingo cards ready

Deleted Comments of The Day: How Many Stereotypes Can You Fit Into One Paragraph?

Sometimes when we open up the ol’ comment queue, that limbo where new would-be Wonketteers must first prove they are neither spam nor complete teabagging idiots, we feel like the Medieval Marxist’s wife: “Oooh, Dennis! There’s some lovely filth down ‘ere!” And so it was with two messages from “JustinHuman,” who just wanted us to know that he shares Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s disgust at all these poor people with fancy air conditioning: Sorry, but I agree with Elizabeth on this one. I work in healthcare, and it does get rather upsetting seeing all of the perfectly able-bodied young men and women who come in on disability benefits and Social Security in their 20s and 30s carrying the newest iPad while I work 6 days a week and can’t afford one. It’s infuriating to see people buying lobster and shrimp with their food stamps while I’m struggling working 2 jobs to feed my kids store brand basics. Then, I get to see them walk outside and get into their new luxury car while I hope my 96 Celica starts as it approaches the 200,000 mile mark on the odometer. “JustinHuman” has seen this, people, seen it with his own eyes, and he thinks it’s time for some class warfare on the undeserving poors. Ah, yes, we thought as we read on: there’s some lovely filth down ‘ere. Read more on Deleted Comments of The Day: How Many Stereotypes Can You Fit Into One Paragraph?…
  the devils we know

Elected Teabaggers Astonished That Not Everyone Loves Teabaggers

Why, sure, Washington Post, we’d love to read a political trends think-piece! Whatcha got? Oh, Tea Partiers who were elected in 2010 are starting to see some pushback in their home districts? OK, sure, we’ll read that! Please tell us that people are getting tired of their antics, will you? For instance, maybe you could tell us that business interests in Michigan are hoping to find a center-right candidate to run in the primary against Justin Amash, who tried to make John Boehner unSpeakerble? But within Grand Rapids’ powerful business establishment, patience is running low with Amash’s ideological agenda and tactics. Some business leaders are recruiting a Republican primary challenger who they hope will serve the old-fashioned way — by working the inside game and playing nice to gain influence and solve problems for the district. They are tired of tea party governance, as exemplified by the budget fight that led to the shutdown and threatens a first-ever U.S. credit default. Oh, golly, that just thrills us down to our center-left tippy-toes! We’re no fan of old-money Republicans, but at least they aren’t dead set on burning down the country to make a point about Freedom. Please, tell us more about these magical moderates that are springing up everywhere. Read more on Elected Teabaggers Astonished That Not Everyone Loves Teabaggers…
  He will Constitution you right in the face

Mitch McConnell’s Hero GOP Challenger Will Protect Your Constitutional Right To Beat Your Wife

Matt Bevin seems like a real nice guy. A graduate of MIT — except that he isn’t but whatev, that’s just, like, semantics, man — he is challenging Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell from the teabag wing of the Republican Party because he thinks McConnell is a giant vagina of “empty rhetoric” for not already shutting down the government to stop Obamacare. And also, according to Bevin’s list o’ grievances, for voting to make Ruth Bader Ginsburg official badass of the Supreme Court, talking to Sen. Barbara Boxer that one time, and looooooooving abortion. (Yeah, we had to snort milk out of our noses on that one too.) Still, we do love ourselves some good Republican infighting, especially when it means the wingnuts are getting hit from the right for being insufficiently wingnutty, so we are going to sit down with our bowl of popcorn and enjoy this latest little turd-flavored gem from Bevin: Read more on Mitch McConnell’s Hero GOP Challenger Will Protect Your Constitutional Right To Beat Your Wife…
  Real Americans just let you die

Heritage Foundation Czar Jim DeMint Says Majority Of Americans Are Socialist Un-Americans For Liking Socialist Un-American Healthcare

Have you heard the one about how health care reform is the worst thing that ever happened to America (besides the gays, the feminists, the black dude in the White House, and birth control, obviously), and it is socialism and just like Hitler and will ruin freedom for everyone? OF COURSE YOU HAVE because it’s pretty much all Republicans have been saying for the last several years, and Jesus Harold Christ on a cruise ship are we sick of that shit. But as we get ever closer to the opening of those sweet, sweet government health care exchanges (aka The Day That Is Going To Live In Infamy Like a Mofo), we can pretty much count on Republicans to try even more harder to convince us that we should REPEAL! and IMPEACH! and DEFUND! and REPEAL SOME MORE! and, failing all that, just be deeply ashamed of ourselves for being excited about slightly lower health insurance premiums, even if that IS a direct route to socialist armageddon. Read more on Heritage Foundation Czar Jim DeMint Says Majority Of Americans Are Socialist Un-Americans For Liking Socialist Un-American Healthcare…
  Also too also pitbulls lipstick LOOK AT MEEEE!

Idiot Half-Term Governor Pretends To Consider Applying For Senator Gig Of State That Still Hates Her

Good news, America! Her ex-royal highness of the meth capital of Alaska and the poster child for why teaching “abstinence only” to your gaggle of children will just make you a grandma that much faster has deigned to make words that sound like she will maybe possibly consider thinking about potentially mulling an attempt at getting the folks up thar in Alaska who still can’t get the bitter taste of her stupid out of their mouths — 59 percent still want to drink bleach at the sound of her name — to vote for her: Speaking Tuesday on Sean Hannity’s radio show, the former Alaska governor and Republican vice presidential candidate said it’s an option she’s “considered.” “I’ve considered it because people have requested me considering it,” she said. “But I’m still waiting to see what the lineup will be and hoping that … there will be some new blood, new energy, not just kind of picking from the same old politicians in the state.” By “people,” of course, she means these idiots, the Tea Party Leadership Fund, aka Alaska teabaggers, who thunked up a plan to save ‘Merica from the Democrats by begging Sarah Palin to please be their senator even though rumor has it she is a resident of Arizona now, but those are just minor constitutional details, like, waaaay at the bottom, and who has time to read when you can just wait for the movie? Read more on Idiot Half-Term Governor Pretends To Consider Applying For Senator Gig Of State That Still Hates Her…
  Only dead fish run for Senate

Alaska Teabaggers Find Exciting Fresh New Face For U.S. Senate (It Is Sarah Palin)

The Tea Party Leadership Fund — wait, what? teabaggers are still a thing? apparently, yes, all both of ’em — has an AWESOME new plan to save ‘Merica from Harry Reid and the Dumbocrats, and it’s so simple, it can’t fail. It goes like this: 1) Make a website. 2) Use it to encourage other “Tea Party Americans” to draft Sarah Palin for Alaska’s Senate seat. 3) Capitalist gold-plated big gulp-sipping freedom unicorns for everyone! Read more on Alaska Teabaggers Find Exciting Fresh New Face For U.S. Senate (It Is Sarah Palin)…
  Misspelling Truth To Power

Teabaggers Boycotting Lefty Socialist Fox News Until It Stops Covering Up Unheard Story Of Place Called ‘Benghazi’

Oh, fair-and-balanced-and-not-in-any-way-propagandist Fox News, why hast thou forsaken the tea party, aka the most powerful and important movement IN THE WORLD, by going soft and not covering BENGHAZIIIIII!!!!!! 27 hours a day? That is what a number of Tea Party activists are saying and they are organizing a boycott to protest the conservative station’s coverage, especially what they view as the network’s relative silence in investigating the attacks on a diplomatic mission in Benghazi, Libya. Hell hath no fury like a pretend movement (which is really just a bunch of Republicans who like to play dress-up) scorned. Read more on Teabaggers Boycotting Lefty Socialist Fox News Until It Stops Covering Up Unheard Story Of Place Called ‘Benghazi’…
  balls

Angry Teabaggers To March Around With Guns All Day Today, What Could Go Wrong?

A post from your comrade Gary Legum. Since the brave patriots of the Tea Party are all that stands between Commandant Obama and our right to own the thirty-round clips that make shooting up classrooms full of unarmed kindergarteners so much more efficient, today has been designated a “Day of Resistance” to President Obama’s gun-control push. Because putting together a list of action items regarding gun control and then suggesting the democratically elected national legislature consider working on some of them is exactly the sort of thing that Hitler would have done. Read more on Angry Teabaggers To March Around With Guns All Day Today, What Could Go Wrong?…
  probably scott brown's

Caption This Teabag Abortocaust Terrist Truck!

Your compatriot Limey Lizzie sends in this photo from the wilds of Holly Woode. She likes the lockbox — for firearms? — while we are partial to the sticker that says simply and elegantly “So Is Your Face.” Caption it, for a chance to have a new post in which to loiter in the comments! Read more on Caption This Teabag Abortocaust Terrist Truck!…
  And What About All Those Red Indians?

No, Thanksgiving Is Not A Celebration Of Triumph Over Socialism: Your Tofurkey Warblog

It’s Thanksgiving Day, so as we gather together with (or hide from) our families, however functional or dysfunctional they may be, let us remember the true meaning of any American holiday: It’s an opportunity to pound home a political lesson about why We Are Good and They Are Bad. It’s a revered grim tradition: You serve Susan Stamberg’s socialist NPR cranberry relish, and your Teabagger brother-in-law recites how the settlers of Plymouth Plantation nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. Here’s a fairly typical version of the story that was emailed to our Wonkette tip line; other versions are promoted by ugly bag of mostly lipids Rush Limbaugh and by the now-departing Rep. Todd Akin (R-Shut Down). Happily, there are a couple of good debunkings of this idiocy, although they probably won’t carry much weight with teahadis, since they come from the radical communist New York Times and the Marxist-Trotskyist-Muslim-Gangnam-Style Right Wing Watch. Should culture war break out around the dinner table, you may just want to say you got your rebuttals from Paul Harvey. Then when they go to look it up on their smartphone, you can spill gravy on it. Be sure to apologize. (We got that tactic from Saul Alinsky.) Read more on No, Thanksgiving Is Not A Celebration Of Triumph Over Socialism: Your Tofurkey Warblog…
  Civility Update

Neal Boortz: Public Schools Led To Obama, So Kill Public Schools

Superannuated radio screamy-man Neal Boortz has some amusing observations about how to improve America’s political discourse! Speaking to the Isaac-dampened attendees at Tampa’s Wingnutpalooza “Unity Rally 2012,” Mr. Boortz urged Amercia-loving conservatives to adopt subtle Luntzian adjustments that will reframe important issues. First off, they should always say “Democrat Party,” because “it makes them SO MAD when you say that.” Witty! Read more on Neal Boortz: Public Schools Led To Obama, So Kill Public Schools…