Tag Archives: teabaggers

  the secret of my secession

Wisconsin Republicans Will Vote On The State Maybe Seceding, Because They Love America

Wisconsin tabaggers don’t want to alarm anyone, they just believe in being prepared, is all, which is why they want the state to be ready to secede from the union. Not that they think they’ll really need to. So when the state’s Republican convention rolls around in May, there will be a resolution on the agenda to consider whether the state GOP “supports legislation that upholds Wisconsin’s right, under extreme circumstances, to secede.” But don’t worry, they’re not going to secede unless they really, really have to, and the proposal is not supported by Gov. Scott Walker. Still, there were enough maybe-secessionists on the Resolutions Committee to adopt the question on a split vote in an April 5 meeting. Honestly, it’s not that big a deal, just one more option they want to have; besides, presumably, even if the state doesn’t secede, there’s still the option of Second Amendment solutions — again, only if necessary, like if the Bureau of Land Management tries to collect grazing fees. Read more on Wisconsin Republicans Will Vote On The State Maybe Seceding, Because They Love America…
  law and ordure

Arizona Tea Party Lady Shocked By Parallels Between Bundy Ranch, Tiananmen Square

Today’s winner of the “At Least You Didn’t Say Hitler” award goes to Arizona state Rep. Kelly Townsend, who said she was shocked to see video of police using a stun gun on one of the sons of Hero Nevada Scofflaw Cliven Bundy. How upsetting was the video, exactly? “Watching that video last night created a visceral reaction in me,” Townsend told the Las Vegas Review-Journal. “It sounds dramatic, but it reminded me of Tiananmen Square. I don’t recognize my country at this point.” She apparently doesn’t recognize China, either, where in 1989 People’s Liberation Army troops killed hundreds of peaceful protestors, possibly upwards of 1,000, depending on whose estimates you use. But apart from that, yes, the stunning of one guy and the seizure of a couple hundred cattle is almost exactly the same. Once again, however, we do wish to congratulate Ms. Townsend on not comparing the action to the Nazis. Read more on Arizona Tea Party Lady Shocked By Parallels Between Bundy Ranch, Tiananmen Square…
  gamecockblocked

Kentucky Senate Candidate Matt Bevin Accidentally Thinks Chicken Boxing Is Awesome States’ Rights Issue

Look, don’t go getting any funny ideas about Mitch McConnell’s teabagging primary opponent Matt Bevin being a supporter of cockfighting just because he gave a speech to a pro-cockfighting rally. All he saw on his schedule last Saturday morning was that he was speaking to a “States rights rally,” although maybe all the feathers and cackling in the background might have given him a clue. The event’s organizer, Michael Devereaux, head of the “Gamefowl Defense Network,” said that the event’s sole purpose was to legalize cockfighting: “The movement is about changing the law, not breaking the law,” and about using the democratic process to bring back the simple civilized pleasure of watching two animals fight to the death. By golly, if Matt Bevin is going to deny that he knew he was talking to Chicken Boxing advocates, maybe he should just give some thought to what a fine group of people they are. They’re really the essence of the Tea Party movement, just decent folks who want nothing more than to read their Bibles, shoot their guns, watch their beautiful roosters peck each others’ eyes out, and eradicate once and for all the insulting stereotypes of southerners as hicks and hillbillies. Read more on Kentucky Senate Candidate Matt Bevin Accidentally Thinks Chicken Boxing Is Awesome States’ Rights Issue…
  bang-bang she shot me down

Colorado Town Votes To Not Issue Drone-Hunting Licenses; Freedom May Survive Anyway

Last July, we told you about the fun idea proposed by the town of Deer Trail, Colorado, (population 546): sell novelty “drone hunting licenses” that would promise a bounty to anyone who brought down a federally-owned unmanned aerial vehicle. You know, for a laugh, and to raise money for the town, and to send the message that the federal government better not mess with Liberty. Nobody was seriously thinking that the law would result in drones really getting shot down, since the $25 licenses would only allow “hunting” drones with a shotgun. But now, the humorless voters of Deer Trail have turned down the ballot initiative by a 75% margin, so their town will have to find other sources of revenue, at the small price of not becoming known as “that crazy place that lets you buy a license to shoot down drones.” After all, what could possibly have gone wrong? Read more on Colorado Town Votes To Not Issue Drone-Hunting Licenses; Freedom May Survive Anyway…
  happy trails -- no not in *that* sense

Lending Credence To ‘Back On Meds’ Hypothesis, Jan Brewer Announces She Won’t Seek Illegal Reelection

Jan Brewer announced Wednesday that she will not seek another term as Arizona governor, a move that seems to indicate she is no longer the insane harpy who was mostly known for shaking her finger in Barack Obama’s face and worrying about illegal aliens leaving decapitated corpses all over the desert. Brewer said the usual blandly pleasant things, as one does, and said nothing definite about her future plans: “I’m saddened to be leaving this post next year but I’m proud of the remarkable progress we’ve made for the state,” Brewer said, adding that being governor has been her “proudest role.” “I will continue to champion and cheer Arizona from the sidelines,” she said. Wonkette congratulates Gov. Brewer on her decision to get out while the getting is good, and to avoid the iffy court challenge she’d have to pursue, not to mention the near-certainty of a primary challenge from nutso teabaggers who think she betrayed them, America, and their yellow snake flags. Read more on Lending Credence To ‘Back On Meds’ Hypothesis, Jan Brewer Announces She Won’t Seek Illegal Reelection…
  he will drink their blood

Mitch McConnell Will Crush His Tea Party Enemies, Grind Their Bones Into Dust

Once upon a time, Republicans looooooooved the Tea Party. No, it’s true. The Tea Party was this great “independent” uprising of really Republican Republicans who were SO mad that they’d been Taxed Enough Already (translation: super pissed there was a black guy squatting in the White House), and Republicans would ride the wave of tinfoil-hatted fury all the way to their “permanent Republican majority.” (Spoiler: That didn’t happen.) But then Republicans discovered what the rest of us already knew: Those guys are fucking crazy! And not just because of their silly costumes and their incoherent misspelled signs and the founder of the House’s Tea Party Caucus, Michele Bachmann (R-Batshittesylvania), demanding that real Mericans “make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers” to stop Obamamcare. (Spoiler: That didn’t happen either.) The teabaggers who were elected basically took the House hostage, demanding that Speaker John Boehner crash the economy and blow up the gobmint to, um, make a principled point about, um, things. (Spoiler: That didn’t … oh well, you get the idea.) So now establishment Republicans have to fight to take their party back from the party fighting to take their country back, and it is all kinds of messy. And also hilarious! Seriously, we are running out of popcorn watching this intraparty epic battle over just what kind of crazy is and is not acceptable according to the party of Ronald Jesus Lincoln. But Sen. Mitch McConnell — who is currently in the midst of a cagematch-to-the-death primary battle against LinkedIn liar Matt Bevin, who believes opposing domestic violence is unconstitutional — has a plan. He will KILL THEM ALL. Read more on Mitch McConnell Will Crush His Tea Party Enemies, Grind Their Bones Into Dust…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab-Bag Of Grotesqueries

Welcome, kids, to Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we give our browser tabs a Silkwood shower, then inspect the drains for stories that are too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not enough to hang a full blog post on. We recommend that you apply the mood-altering substance equivalent of a wire brush to your brain before reading further. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab-Bag Of Grotesqueries…
  crazy eyes wide shut

The Debt Ceiling: Is Michele Bachmann Taking Jan Brewer’s Meds?

Could it be that Michele Bachmann has been visiting Jan Brewer’s medicine cabinet? As we noted in our year-end review, the Arizona governor actually said and did some pretty sane stuff in the last year; now it almost looks as if several other prominent teabaggers are engaged in similar flirtations with reality. Just look at this National Journal article about the prospects for a clean Debt Ceiling bill — Bachmann, who like other House Republicans seemed willing to hold a gun to the nation’s head last fall, is not quite going so far as to actually support a clean debt ceiling increase, but she’s also not holding hands with other Tea Party Caucus members and steering the economy toward a cliff this time around: “What I’ve heard from other members,” Bachmann says, “is that this is not going to be the hill that they’re going to die on.” “You have to know when to hold them and you have to know when to fold them,” added Bachmann, who isn’t advocating for a clean debt-ceiling bill. “You just need to be wise to know when to have political fights. It isn’t that our allegiance to principles have changed; it hasn’t at all. You just need to know when your opportunities are and when to exercise your leverage.” Why, that sounds incredibly reasonable and measured, Rep. Bachmann. What’s your dosage, incidentally? Read more on The Debt Ceiling: Is Michele Bachmann Taking Jan Brewer’s Meds?…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin with. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits…
  And What About All Those Red Indians?

Sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism

It’s Thanksgiving Day, so as we gather together with (or hide from) our families, however functional or dysfunctional they may be, let us remember the true meaning of any American holiday: It’s an opportunity to pound home a political lesson about why We Are Good and They Are Bad. It’s a revered grim tradition: You serve Susan Stamberg’s socialist NPR cranberry relish, and your Teabagger brother-in-law recites how the settlers of Plymouth Plantation nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. Here’s a fairly typical version of the story that was emailed to our Wonkette tip line last year; the story was also a favorite of Rep. Todd “Shut that down” Akin, and now Rush Limbaugh has a best-selling children’s book promoting the same fantasy. Happily, there are a couple of good debunkings of this idiocy, although they probably won’t carry much weight with teahadis, since they come from the radical communist New York Times and the Marxist-Trotskyist-Muslim-Gangnam-Style Right Wing Watch. Should culture war break out around the dinner table, you may just want to say you got your rebuttals from Paul Harvey. Then when they go to look it up on their smartphone, you can spill gravy on it. Be sure to apologize. (We got that tactic from Saul Alinsky.) Read more on Sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism…
  marco can't dance

Marco Rubio Fights To End Tea Party Migration To Other 2016 Candidates

Faced with a massive wave of Tea Partiers fleeing from his 2016 presidential hopes because of his support for comprehensive immigration reform, Florida Senator Marco Rubio is doing what he can to build a higher wall against further progress on fixing America’s broken immigration system. It is not known whether his new opposition to immigration reform will be enough to stem the flow of former rightwing supporters attempting to cross lines into other candidates’ camps. An aide to Rubio told Andrew Breitbart’s Home for Monsters From the Id that while it might be “realistic” for the House to pass several piecemeal bills addressing immigration, the catch is that once such a bill went to committee with the Senate, sneaky Democrats could then use the conference to force a comprehensive reform that might actually allow some Messicans to become citizens. So the smart thing, obviously, is to do nothing, which allows continued bitching about Barack Obama’s refusal to fix immigration. Problem solved! Read more on Marco Rubio Fights To End Tea Party Migration To Other 2016 Candidates…
  The Purple Prose of Texas

Texas Lt Gov Candidate Rejects Secession. Instead, Let’s Kick Out All The Liberal States.

You have to admire the creative thinking of Texas candidate for Lieutenant Governor Jerry Patterson. He doesn’t want Texas to secede from the United States; that’d be dumb. He loves Real America. Instead, how about we get rid of the states what Hate America? “I get lots of questions all the time, ‘Well, we should secede.’ I say, ‘No, I’ve got a better idea. Instead of secession, I’m a proponent of expulsion,’” he told the AP. “I want to kick about four states out of this union.” Specifically, that would be California, New York, Massachusetts and Connecticut, because who needs their liberalism and whatever piddling contribution to the GDP they represent? Also, we were not aware that this is the sort of thing that the Texas lieutenant governor has a say in, but apparently the way you become Texas’s Second Lady is to tell people about how you’d tackle stuff that the job has nothing to do with, like impeaching the Preznit. Read more on Texas Lt Gov Candidate Rejects Secession. Instead, Let’s Kick Out All The Liberal States….
  pity party of personal responsibility

New Jersey Senate Loser Steve Lonegan Would Have Won If It Weren’t For That Darn Government Shutdown

There’s a very simple explanation for why Steve Lonegan lost last week’s special election for U.S. Senate to Cory Booker: The government shutdown. OK, that, and Lonegan’s being a loathsome asshat, maybe. But mostly the government shutdown, Lonegan told the Star-Ledger in an interview published Monday: “There is no doubt in my mind or in the minds of any of my campaign staff that the shutdown cost me the election,” Lonegan said in a post-mortem interview today. “If I had known it was going to happen and that it was going to be handled so badly in Washington, I wouldn’t have run for senate.” We guess the shutdown just reminded all the Takers how much they love being enslaved and not helping themselves, so they voted for the Moocher candidate, right? Read more on New Jersey Senate Loser Steve Lonegan Would Have Won If It Weren’t For That Darn Government Shutdown…
  Derp In The Heart of Texas

Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst Finds Campaign Issue, Calls For Obama Impeachment

At a Tea Party meeting Monday night at a Lutheran church in Fort Worth, Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst, who is running for re-election, called for the impeachment of President Barack Obama. This is now apparently something that lieutenant governors now have a say in. “This election is about protecting you and your freedoms, which are given to you by God, but which are being trampled on by Barack Obama right now. I don’t know about you, but Barack Obama ought to be impeached,” he declared to hearty applause. “Not only for trampling on our liberties, but what he did in Benghazi is just a crime.” After Dewhurst and other candidates spoke, the crowd was treated to a talk on how scary Muslims have infiltrated the U.S. Government, and then they rounded out the evening by threatening to beat up the only reporter in attendance, because lamestream media. Read more on Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst Finds Campaign Issue, Calls For Obama Impeachment…
  trolling through the park one day

States Paying To Re-Open National Parks Wish Feds Would Bring All That Oppressive Money Back

As we mentioned yesterday, the cognitive dissonance around the defunding of government has been pretty strong these last couple of weeks. The fairly basic notion that if you vote to not fund a government service, that service goes away seems to mystify some folks on the right, who have decided that the shutdown of national parks and monuments is really just something that Barack Hussein Obama has ordered out of personal spite, because he is just mean. So now, several states where tourism dollars actually make a big difference to the local economy have decided that they’re willing to pay to re-open the parks. But they’re also really not happy about it. See, the thing about lurving that 10th Amendment so much that you wish the federal government would just go away also means that you can’t have a lot of the nice things that the mean old jackbooted thugs provide, unless you pay for them. And your state may not have the same ability to pay, because tax base — and your state’s own idiotic “job-attracting” tax policies. Yes, we know, socialistic madness. Read more on States Paying To Re-Open National Parks Wish Feds Would Bring All That Oppressive Money Back…
  the usual suspects

Organizers Of ‘Million’ Vet March On DC Memorial Shocked — Shocked! — It Turned ‘Political’

For some darn reason, the organizers of the “Million Vet March on the Memorials” are suddenly distancing themselves from the fine people who showed up in DC over the weekend to tear down the barriers around the WWII Memorial and demand the impeachment of Fake Preznit Obama. On their homepage and their FacePlaceSpace page, the organizers annonce their “Official Stance” (wide): The political agenda put forth by a local organizer in Washington DC yesterday was not in alignment with our message. We feel disheartened that some would seek to hijack the narrative for political gain. The core principle was and remains about all Americans honoring Veterans in a peaceful and apolitical manner. Our love for and our dedication to remains with Veterans, regardless of party affiliation or political leanings. Gosh. Can’t understand why people showed up at a rally whose organizers also said that “barricading and shutting down the World War II Memorial to veterans…a despicable act of cowardice” would somehow think it was a political event. Read more on Organizers Of ‘Million’ Vet March On DC Memorial Shocked — Shocked! — It Turned ‘Political’…