Tag Archives: teabaggers

  Another great waste of time

House GOP Will Reverse Immigration Order With Obama Sucks Act Of 2014

Here have a crumb
Poor John Boehner. Sure, he’s technically the speaker of the House, but the teabagger wing of the Republican Party sure never lets him forget that he is not the boss of them. They’re always like, “Shut down the government!” and “Impeach Obama!” and “Let’s vote to repeal Obamacare again!” And he’s always like, “That would be bad for us, you idiots,” and “That would be really bad for us, you idiots, but how about a lawsuit?” and “Yup, sounds good, let’s have the billionth vote on that!” Read more on House GOP Will Reverse Immigration Order With Obama Sucks Act Of 2014…
  And What About All Those Red Indians?

No, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism

The Platonic Ideal Of Cheesy Thanksgiving Photos
It’s Thanksgiving Day, so as we gather together with (or hide from) our families, however functional or dysfunctional they may be, let us remember the true meaning of any American holiday: It’s an opportunity to pound home a political lesson about why We Are Good and They Are Bad. It’s a revered grim tradition: You serve Susan Stamberg’s socialist NPR cranberry relish, and your Teabagger brother-in-law recites how the settlers of Plymouth Plantation nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. Here’s a fairly typical version of the story that was emailed to our Wonkette tip line in 2012; the story was also a favorite of Rep. Todd “Shut that down” Akin, and in 2013, Rush Limbaugh wrote a best-selling children’s book promoting the same fantasy. Read more on No, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism…
  Greed Is Good

Wall Street’s Newest Tool: Eric Cantor

Like the bastard child of gordon gekko and scrooge mcduck.
Hey, what’s former Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Hahaha) doing with all his free time now that he is no longer an esteemed member of Congress? If we had to guess, it would be gently sobbing while beating off to a montage of Ronald Reagan YouTube videos, barely visible through the shame-tears. Are we right, Wall Street Journal? Read more on Wall Street’s Newest Tool: Eric Cantor…
Sep 02 2:10 pm 2014
  bring the family

Clip And Save: Your Patriot Bingo Card!

  ATTENTION, LOVERS OF FREEDOM! We assume we’ll be seeing all of you Real Americans Saturday at noon. What’s that? You have plans to spend your Labor Day weekend eating warm potato salad by the lake, maybe burning some lawn clippings in defiance of local ordinances? To that we say NO. We do not give one good goddamn about your pre-marinated grillin’ steaks or your non-refundable cabin rental. Your presence is required elsewhere. Read more on Clip And Save: Your Patriot Bingo Card!…
  This will hurt us more than it will hurt you

Rep. Ted Yoho Awful Sad Obama Keeps Impeaching Himself

He's crying on the inside
Because it has been at least 24 whole hours since some Republican doofus insisted that Republicans do NOT want to talk about impeaching the president, no seriously, they do NOT want to talk about it, sheesh, stop making them talk about it all the time, no one ever said the “I-word,” and really, it is Obama who wants to talk about it all the time, like he wants to be impeached or something, here’s our hero Ted Yoho, a large-animal veterinarian turned Florida congressman, to not talk about that some more: Read more on Rep. Ted Yoho Awful Sad Obama Keeps Impeaching Himself…
  I want a Senate seat NOW!!!!

Sore Loserman Chris McDaniel Demands Mississippi GOP Give Him Senate Seat, Because

Actual picture of Chris McDaniel
Remember that time waaaaay back in June when Mississippi Republicans had a Senate primary race, and the teabagger favorite, state Sen. Chris McDaniel — who sure is an interesting fella with really nice, totally-not-racist supporters — lost to sitting Sen. Thad Cochran, and everyone said, “Yup, that’s what we thought would happen,” and moved on with their lives? Read more on Sore Loserman Chris McDaniel Demands Mississippi GOP Give Him Senate Seat, Because…
  we left out utah and no one will notice

Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!

Thanks to Snipy staying up late so we could post the results of the one election yesterday that everyone was following (Mississippi: the Old Guy won, the other asshole lost), we are left with tidying up the electoral crumbs from around our great nation. Of course, Chris McDaniel is still making grumpy whining noises about recounts and “the integrity of the vote” and such, so he hasn’t exactly conceded to the critter-fiddler. Or to reality. Now, on to the other primaries of note! Read more on Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!…
  fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

Be A Fashion Do With This Sexy Stylish Ayn Randian Teabag-Wear From Sears!

Wonket operative “Chris” sends us this super-sexxxy Teabagwear from Sears, which is funny because the reclusive hedge fund billionaire shotcaller of Sears, Eddie Lampert, is sort of an “ineptocracy guy” his own bad self! (IT’S CALLED IRONY, MOTHERFUCKERS.) For those of you who can’t read Teabag, we transcribed it: A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers. Yeah, stop taking NOBAMAPHONES with our confiscated wealth, ghetto dummies! Now excuse us while we use some Medicare fraud dollars for this Hoveround, for patriotism. Read more on Be A Fashion Do With This Sexy Stylish Ayn Randian Teabag-Wear From Sears!…
  muddy runoff

Mississippi Teabagger Candidate’s Aide Had Excellent Reason For Getting Locked In Courthouse With Ballots, We Bet

Let’s be absolutely clear about this: there is NO REASON to think that the three people who got locked into the Hinds County Courthouse in Jackson, Mississippi were doing anything nefarious. They just happened to accidentally get stuck in the closed courthouse after midnight on the night that ballots were being counted in the Thad Cochran / Chris McDaniel Senate primary that was too close to call. And one of them is a top campaign official for tea party candidate McDaniel. There’s almost certainly an excellent explanation for all this that doesn’t involve electoral ratfucking. We’re betting it’s Obama’s fault. Or the lack of prayer in schools. Read more on Mississippi Teabagger Candidate’s Aide Had Excellent Reason For Getting Locked In Courthouse With Ballots, We Bet…
  mississippi churning

Mississippi Republicans Choose Between Thad Cochran Or The Other A**hole

It’s Primary Day in Mississippi, time to see whether the Republican candidate for Senate will be Aging Conservadick Thad Cochran, or Tea Party/Neo-Confederate Superdick Chris McDaniel. Will it be the Establishement or the Tea Party? The maybe-adulterer or the probable-ratfucker? We are going to try not to get too worked up over this one, but it sure has been fun to watch the R’s in Mississippi tear themselves to pieces over it. Read more on Mississippi Republicans Choose Between Thad Cochran Or The Other A**hole…
  american idiots

‘American Spring’ Coup Huge Success, Obama To Resign Any Minute Now, Probably

America, your long national nightmare is almost over! As predicted, tens of millions of protesters have flooded into Washington DC, bringing the city to a halt and trapping the illegal so-called “leaders” of the illegitimate, unconstitutional “government” inside the walls of their marble fortresses — but only temporarily, as they will surely hear the call of We The People and step down in disgrace. That’s what WND’s lede would have read if more than a few hundred teabagger loons had shown up for the big Depose Obama Rally scheduled for Friday. As it was, the brave coup leaders stood around and got rained on for a while before the weather cleared and they marched around some. But Obama still might resign in disgrace, just as soon as the other ten million or so demonstrators arrive later this weekend. Read more on ‘American Spring’ Coup Huge Success, Obama To Resign Any Minute Now, Probably…
  the marching morons

Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends

There’s a new billion-moron march in town, if by “new” you mean “they’ve tried this before,” and if by “billion” you mean “a few hundred,” and if by “moron” you mean “moron.” But they’re definitely on their way, and Friday is the day they are going to scare that Kenyan Usurper fellow right out of “OUR WHITE HOUSE.” All ten to thirty million of them, give or take 9.9999 to 30 million or so. Read more on Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends…
  what is 'legal'?

Florida Congressnut Ted Yoho: Let’s Not Rush To Judgment On Constitutionality Of 50-Year-Old Civil Rights Act

Now look, maybe you commie hippies think that the Civil Rights Act was a pretty good idea. It was was signed into law 50 years ago, George Bush celebrated its anniversary last week with a Lyndon Johnsonesque dick joke and all. But have you given any thought to whether it’s actually legal? Freshman Florida congressbagger Ted Yoho held a town hall Monday in Gainesville, where he fielded a question from a voter named Melvin Flournoy, a 57-year-old African American, who asked if Yoho thought “any part of” the Civil Rights Act was constitutional. As the nice folks at Think Progress put it, “The easy answer in this case — ‘yes’ — has the benefit of also being correct.” But for Ted Yoho, that’s a really weighty question that he was not prepared to rush to judgment on: This country grew through a lot of growing pain. We’re going through it again. As we grow as a country and prosper, we’re going to go through it again in the future. That’s why I’m so thankful for the Constitution because it allows us to do that. Is it constitutional, the Civil Rights Act? I wish I could answer that 100 percent. I know a lot of things that were passed are not constitutional, but I know it’s the law of the land. Honestly, how can people even know these things? Sure, the Supreme Court found it Constitutional just months after it was passed, but that was the Warren Court, and we know it was full of dangerous radicals. Let’s not rush into anything here. Besides, didn’t the free market take care of segregation? Pretty sure we just read that in a textbook. Read more on Florida Congressnut Ted Yoho: Let’s Not Rush To Judgment On Constitutionality Of 50-Year-Old Civil Rights Act…
  the secret of my secession

Wisconsin Republicans Will Vote On The State Maybe Seceding, Because They Love America

Wisconsin tabaggers don’t want to alarm anyone, they just believe in being prepared, is all, which is why they want the state to be ready to secede from the union. Not that they think they’ll really need to. So when the state’s Republican convention rolls around in May, there will be a resolution on the agenda to consider whether the state GOP “supports legislation that upholds Wisconsin’s right, under extreme circumstances, to secede.” But don’t worry, they’re not going to secede unless they really, really have to, and the proposal is not supported by Gov. Scott Walker. Still, there were enough maybe-secessionists on the Resolutions Committee to adopt the question on a split vote in an April 5 meeting. Honestly, it’s not that big a deal, just one more option they want to have; besides, presumably, even if the state doesn’t secede, there’s still the option of Second Amendment solutions — again, only if necessary, like if the Bureau of Land Management tries to collect grazing fees. Read more on Wisconsin Republicans Will Vote On The State Maybe Seceding, Because They Love America…
  law and ordure

Arizona Tea Party Lady Shocked By Parallels Between Bundy Ranch, Tiananmen Square

Today’s winner of the “At Least You Didn’t Say Hitler” award goes to Arizona state Rep. Kelly Townsend, who said she was shocked to see video of police using a stun gun on one of the sons of Hero Nevada Scofflaw Cliven Bundy. How upsetting was the video, exactly? “Watching that video last night created a visceral reaction in me,” Townsend told the Las Vegas Review-Journal. “It sounds dramatic, but it reminded me of Tiananmen Square. I don’t recognize my country at this point.” She apparently doesn’t recognize China, either, where in 1989 People’s Liberation Army troops killed hundreds of peaceful protestors, possibly upwards of 1,000, depending on whose estimates you use. But apart from that, yes, the stunning of one guy and the seizure of a couple hundred cattle is almost exactly the same. Once again, however, we do wish to congratulate Ms. Townsend on not comparing the action to the Nazis. Read more on Arizona Tea Party Lady Shocked By Parallels Between Bundy Ranch, Tiananmen Square…
  gamecockblocked

Kentucky Senate Candidate Matt Bevin Accidentally Thinks Chicken Boxing Is Awesome States’ Rights Issue

Look, don’t go getting any funny ideas about Mitch McConnell’s teabagging primary opponent Matt Bevin being a supporter of cockfighting just because he gave a speech to a pro-cockfighting rally. All he saw on his schedule last Saturday morning was that he was speaking to a “States rights rally,” although maybe all the feathers and cackling in the background might have given him a clue. The event’s organizer, Michael Devereaux, head of the “Gamefowl Defense Network,” said that the event’s sole purpose was to legalize cockfighting: “The movement is about changing the law, not breaking the law,” and about using the democratic process to bring back the simple civilized pleasure of watching two animals fight to the death. By golly, if Matt Bevin is going to deny that he knew he was talking to Chicken Boxing advocates, maybe he should just give some thought to what a fine group of people they are. They’re really the essence of the Tea Party movement, just decent folks who want nothing more than to read their Bibles, shoot their guns, watch their beautiful roosters peck each others’ eyes out, and eradicate once and for all the insulting stereotypes of southerners as hicks and hillbillies. Read more on Kentucky Senate Candidate Matt Bevin Accidentally Thinks Chicken Boxing Is Awesome States’ Rights Issue…
  bang-bang she shot me down

Colorado Town Votes To Not Issue Drone-Hunting Licenses; Freedom May Survive Anyway

Last July, we told you about the fun idea proposed by the town of Deer Trail, Colorado, (population 546): sell novelty “drone hunting licenses” that would promise a bounty to anyone who brought down a federally-owned unmanned aerial vehicle. You know, for a laugh, and to raise money for the town, and to send the message that the federal government better not mess with Liberty. Nobody was seriously thinking that the law would result in drones really getting shot down, since the $25 licenses would only allow “hunting” drones with a shotgun. But now, the humorless voters of Deer Trail have turned down the ballot initiative by a 75% margin, so their town will have to find other sources of revenue, at the small price of not becoming known as “that crazy place that lets you buy a license to shoot down drones.” After all, what could possibly have gone wrong? Read more on Colorado Town Votes To Not Issue Drone-Hunting Licenses; Freedom May Survive Anyway…
  happy trails -- no not in *that* sense

Lending Credence To ‘Back On Meds’ Hypothesis, Jan Brewer Announces She Won’t Seek Illegal Reelection

Jan Brewer announced Wednesday that she will not seek another term as Arizona governor, a move that seems to indicate she is no longer the insane harpy who was mostly known for shaking her finger in Barack Obama’s face and worrying about illegal aliens leaving decapitated corpses all over the desert. Brewer said the usual blandly pleasant things, as one does, and said nothing definite about her future plans: “I’m saddened to be leaving this post next year but I’m proud of the remarkable progress we’ve made for the state,” Brewer said, adding that being governor has been her “proudest role.” “I will continue to champion and cheer Arizona from the sidelines,” she said. Wonkette congratulates Gov. Brewer on her decision to get out while the getting is good, and to avoid the iffy court challenge she’d have to pursue, not to mention the near-certainty of a primary challenge from nutso teabaggers who think she betrayed them, America, and their yellow snake flags. Read more on Lending Credence To ‘Back On Meds’ Hypothesis, Jan Brewer Announces She Won’t Seek Illegal Reelection…
  he will drink their blood

Mitch McConnell Will Crush His Tea Party Enemies, Grind Their Bones Into Dust

Once upon a time, Republicans looooooooved the Tea Party. No, it’s true. The Tea Party was this great “independent” uprising of really Republican Republicans who were SO mad that they’d been Taxed Enough Already (translation: super pissed there was a black guy squatting in the White House), and Republicans would ride the wave of tinfoil-hatted fury all the way to their “permanent Republican majority.” (Spoiler: That didn’t happen.) But then Republicans discovered what the rest of us already knew: Those guys are fucking crazy! And not just because of their silly costumes and their incoherent misspelled signs and the founder of the House’s Tea Party Caucus, Michele Bachmann (R-Batshittesylvania), demanding that real Mericans “make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers” to stop Obamamcare. (Spoiler: That didn’t happen either.) The teabaggers who were elected basically took the House hostage, demanding that Speaker John Boehner crash the economy and blow up the gobmint to, um, make a principled point about, um, things. (Spoiler: That didn’t … oh well, you get the idea.) So now establishment Republicans have to fight to take their party back from the party fighting to take their country back, and it is all kinds of messy. And also hilarious! Seriously, we are running out of popcorn watching this intraparty epic battle over just what kind of crazy is and is not acceptable according to the party of Ronald Jesus Lincoln. But Sen. Mitch McConnell — who is currently in the midst of a cagematch-to-the-death primary battle against LinkedIn liar Matt Bevin, who believes opposing domestic violence is unconstitutional — has a plan. He will KILL THEM ALL. Read more on Mitch McConnell Will Crush His Tea Party Enemies, Grind Their Bones Into Dust…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab-Bag Of Grotesqueries

Welcome, kids, to Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we give our browser tabs a Silkwood shower, then inspect the drains for stories that are too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not enough to hang a full blog post on. We recommend that you apply the mood-altering substance equivalent of a wire brush to your brain before reading further. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab-Bag Of Grotesqueries…
  crazy eyes wide shut

The Debt Ceiling: Is Michele Bachmann Taking Jan Brewer’s Meds?

Could it be that Michele Bachmann has been visiting Jan Brewer’s medicine cabinet? As we noted in our year-end review, the Arizona governor actually said and did some pretty sane stuff in the last year; now it almost looks as if several other prominent teabaggers are engaged in similar flirtations with reality. Just look at this National Journal article about the prospects for a clean Debt Ceiling bill — Bachmann, who like other House Republicans seemed willing to hold a gun to the nation’s head last fall, is not quite going so far as to actually support a clean debt ceiling increase, but she’s also not holding hands with other Tea Party Caucus members and steering the economy toward a cliff this time around: “What I’ve heard from other members,” Bachmann says, “is that this is not going to be the hill that they’re going to die on.” “You have to know when to hold them and you have to know when to fold them,” added Bachmann, who isn’t advocating for a clean debt-ceiling bill. “You just need to be wise to know when to have political fights. It isn’t that our allegiance to principles have changed; it hasn’t at all. You just need to know when your opportunities are and when to exercise your leverage.” Why, that sounds incredibly reasonable and measured, Rep. Bachmann. What’s your dosage, incidentally? Read more on The Debt Ceiling: Is Michele Bachmann Taking Jan Brewer’s Meds?…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin with. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits…