Tag Archives: tea party nation

  penis cakes we like

All These White Dudes Need To Stop Whitesplaining About What ‘Slavery’ Is

So you think you know what slavery is. Maybe you only just realized it was “really really bad.” Or maybe you already knew it was “really really bad,” so anything that you don’t like because it is really really bad is just exactly the same thing. “Ronan Farrow’s new show is slavery.” “That dry overcooked chicken was slavery.” “Being forced to rent hotel rooms to black dudes against my will because the Civil Rights Act demands that if I am the proprietor of a ‘public accommodation,’ or public-facing inn, restaurant, or retail establishment, I may not discriminate on the basis of color, race, religion, or national origin, is slavery.” Luckily, Judson Phillips, president of Tea Party Nation, is here to explain what slavery actually is, and it is being forced to bake cakes shaped like penises, because that is exactly what is going to happen now that Jan Brewer has vetoed the “religious freedom to discriminate” act SB 1062. Let us hear some more. HINT! IF YOU ARE AT WORK! WE WILL NOW SEE CAKES SHAPED LIKE PENISES! TO ILLUSTRATE ‘SLAVERY.’ NOT SAFE FOR WORK! Read more on All These White Dudes Need To Stop Whitesplaining About What ‘Slavery’ Is…
  that metaphor was just asking for trouble

Tea Party Nation Says Defending Obamacare Is Exactly Like Excusing Rape (Which Obamacare Is Worser Than)

Tea Party Nation president Judson Philips, the genius who had a cunning plan to use the Constitution to subvert the 2012 election (except it was unconstitutional), has tired of comparing Obamacare to Nazi Germany, so instead, he’s now comparing it to rape. Next week, maybe Obamacare will be the Ebola virus. Philips emailed the group’s membership this charming article by Darwin Rockantansky that explains that rape is never justified (good for him!) and that it is the height of awfulness to claim that rape is enjoyable for the victim. What an excellent feminist he is! Rockantansky notes that on the teevee program Law And Order: SVU, accused rapists often try to rationalize their actions by imagining that their victims were asking for it, or were being seductive, or enjoyed the experience. At what point does rape become a pleasurable experience for the victim? And whom among us are not revolted and angered by such nonsense? And whom among us are willing to believe that if we “Just lay back and don’t fight it you will inevitably enjoy it.”? And the “IT” that I am referring to here is “Obamacare”. The Obama Regime is encouraging people to become the evangelists for Obamacare in their own family and social groups over Thanks Giving dinner. Their message is truly quite simple: Lie back and quit fighting and eventually you will enjoy the experience. Oh, dear. Um. Sure, Darwin Rockantansky, we invite you to read your essay aloud at the next meeting of the Twitter Feminists’ Alliance. (We have a feeling that you are not an ally.) Read more on Tea Party Nation Says Defending Obamacare Is Exactly Like Excusing Rape (Which Obamacare Is Worser Than)…
  today we are all boston except for these assholes

Apparently There Is No Shortage Of Dicks To Be Eaten, Tea Party Nation Edition

Still obsessing about what happened in Boston? Still feeling like you just want to sit home with your family/ friends/ dogs/ cats/ kids/ whatever and tell them all that you love them desperately? Naw. That’s for pussies and liberals. The real action should be dedicated towards writing your bullshit muslins-did-it-because-of-bamz manifesto because only then can the healing begin: Read more on Apparently There Is No Shortage Of Dicks To Be Eaten, Tea Party Nation Edition…
  i fought godwin's law and the law won

Tea Party Nation: Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler. Also: Hitler

A guest post from your compatriot Gary Legum. Part of being a world-class news organization/recipe hub/lit blog/mommyblog like Wonket involves subscribing to the email lists of organizations we would otherwise like to pretend are too abominable to exist in a just and rational universe. Which is why emails from Tea Party Nation with subject lines like “State of the Union: Liberals are the New Nazis” keep landing in our inbox, right next to our latest credit card statement (oh high-interest debt, you will be paid off/defaulted on some day!) Let us read on to discover how lapsed Jews like us are really embracing Nazism! In the last fifty years or so, the left has tried to portray the Nazi Party of Germany’s Third Reich as basically the Republican Party on mild steroids. This is backwards. Our orders, which we receive during our monthly séances directly from Emma Goldman’s disembodied head when it materializes in our gay psychic’s fetish dungeon, are to say that it is the Republican Party that is basically the Nazis on mild steroids. You would think that after fifty years these guys could at least get that part of our devious plot correct! We are sure Tea Party Nation regrets the error. Read more on Tea Party Nation: Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler. Also: Hitler…
  word vomit

Tea Party Nation Knows What Causes Shootings: Unions, Loud Stereos and Sluts

There was a pretty bad shooting on Friday, and the only thing anybody can talk about is Why It Happened. Logical folk (i.e. us) have been saying it probably had something to do with guns and mental health, but people who don’t want that to be true have been saying there isn’t any evidence for it, despite all the evidence for it. In their stead, however, they have been providing all sorts of other factors that are much more obvious, and do not require evidence. This is lucky because they do not have any. The gun-massacre by the guy with seriously questionable mental health was not exacerbated by guns or mental health care, see, it was abortion pills, obviously. Also to blame: children who do not bum-rush gunmen, because they’re stupid. Also, courtesy of Mensa Brain-Astronaut Glenn Beck: Fisher-Price toys. DEFINITELY NOT GUNS. But there is more. There is sooo much more, and it was decided by Tea Party Nation, so you know it’s real, and not a petty, steaming pile of Puritanical extremist propaganda that travels so far afield from the issues at hand that one can’t help but wonder what they think the issues actually are. Tell us, Tea Party Brain Timothy Birdnow, what are we to do, to stay not dead? Read more on Tea Party Nation Knows What Causes Shootings: Unions, Loud Stereos and Sluts…
  duh

Tea Party Nation President: Obama Is Obviously A Gay Black Crack Addict

What are two things that are exactly the same? Are they “Arab witch-hunts” and “questions about Mitt Romney’s tax returns”? No. Those two things are not the same, as we proved with our persuasive logic yesterday. But here are two things that are exactly the same: “Mitt Romney opening his tax returns” and “Barack Obama proving he isn’t smoking crack or doing sex in men’s bottoms.” Yup. Those will work! Thanks, Judson Phillips, president of Tea Party Nation! Read more on Tea Party Nation President: Obama Is Obviously A Gay Black Crack Addict…
  the idiot brigade

Tea Party Nation Hilariously Demands Americans Stop Watching Football

The illiterate twatmonsters of the Tea Party leadership hereby order Americans everywhere to boycott their sacred Monday Night Football viewing ritual until ESPN un-fires their beloved jizz sock Hank Williams Jr. for calling Obama a Hitler on the teevee. Oh, and scientifically provable idiot Tea Party Nation president Judson Phillips also orders the state of Tennessee to elect the jizz sock Redneck Emperor of their state, just to stick it to godless corporate Marxist Mickey Mouse, who should be set on fire. Also, everyone start eating their own poop for breakfast. So many demands! Read more on Tea Party Nation Hilariously Demands Americans Stop Watching Football…
  paying your bills is for socialists

Tea Party Nation Sued For Dodging $640,000 Las Vegas Casino Bill

Would you bet over half a million dollars that a few hundred people would be willing to exchange actual currency for the chance to watch defunct hollering person Sharron Angle share makeup tips at a schmaltzy Las Vegas gambling resort? Are you insane? Would you sign a contract to certify you are that insane? If you answered “yes” to these questions, a very tragic congratulations, you are one of the Tea Party Nation’s fiscal responsibility experts now on the hook for $642,144 to said Las Vegas hotel for nixing your Sharron Angle furry sleepover party and failing to pay the contractual cancellation fee. And now they are mysteriously being sued by the hotel! Read more on Tea Party Nation Sued For Dodging $640,000 Las Vegas Casino Bill…
  is this why everyone was beating up glenn beck?

Tea Party Hero Takes ‘Pro-Bullying’ Stance Toward Gay Teens

There are only a handful of fairly uncontroversial statements you can make these days, stuff like, “the image of Al Gore making out with someone is gross” and “cancer should have a cure” and “the cruel treatment of children is awful.” Oh wait, except the last one, if you are full of rat testicles like Tea Party Nation leader Rich Swier, who says, hey everyone, God made this thing called “peer pressure” to keep kids in line, and those vicious teenagers who beat up on the gay kids? That’s just “peer pressure” at work keeping kids from acting gay. Hear that, parents? Peer pressure might be responsible for your teenager using drugs and alcohol, stealing, getting pregnant and making the wardrobe choices of a lobotomy victim, but at least it is dissuading your child from acting all homo. Read more on Tea Party Hero Takes ‘Pro-Bullying’ Stance Toward Gay Teens…