Hmm. So maybe there is one of those “God” things after all? When asked if he’d run for political office, unlicensed handyman and Constitutional originalist Joe Wurzelbacher said, “I hope not. You know, I talked to God about that and he was like, ‘No.’” Joe will be in Austin on July 3 to celebrate the day our anti-Communist Founding Fathers signed the Book of Mormon, which explicitly forbids taxation. Everyone’s invited! [WND via Think Progress]

Fine, Austin is “okay.” And lightly populated West Texas is very nice, what with Big Bend National Park and the Mexican town of El Paso and whatever, as it’s really part of the Southwest. But Texas, that dipshit dismal swamp between, oh, Dallas and Corpus Christi, where the vast majority of the Texans live? It’s just the fucking South. A dumb, toxic shithole that produces little more than incredible assholes, many of whom then insist on taking part in American life. The last “good” Texan in politics was LBJ, and he was a goddamned monster. So, here is the new commercial. Good-bye, Texas! Thanks for all the laffs. (You can take the rest of the South with you.) [YouTube via Wonkette Operative "TGM."]

A very smart eunuch has taken to the Internet to demonstrate, with his own two hands, how the various — well, just “two,” because binary thinking has its limits! — interpretations of tea protests “explain the difference between the anti-American left and the rest of America.” Mr. Person writes, “As it happens, when talking to an engaged, informed, and patriotic American, when a tea party is discussed the images of Boston Harbor, taxes and American history immediately come to mind. A true American automatically thinks of the American Revolution, the birth of our nation and that proud tradition of self-reliance and rugged individualism infused into our country by its founders. The words invoke the entire panoply of America in the minds of real Americans everywhere. Then we come to the left. Apparently, the first thing that comes to their ‘minds’ is some arcane, disgusting sexual perversion and not American history and tradition.” MORE »

We feel somewhat guilty (not really, we are exhausted, jesus…) that we haven’t been able to thoroughly comb through the hundreds or thousands of photos you wonderful humans sent your Wonkette today, but this one DEMANDED immediate posting. “Taylor in Texas” writes: “Today has been a day of great hilarity, but not everything about it has been funny. There was a great tragedy at the Denton, Texas Teabagging party today. I took a picture of a cowboy riding a motorized plastic pig, and it turned out blurry!” It doesn’t matter! A foto of this caliber could be a four-pixel pink-and-sandstone blur, and it would still destroy. AND NEVER FORGET: Teablogging.net and Shorts× 3 have more, more, MORE.

Before starting out on our latest miserable journey into this muddy Randian hell, may we just NOTE that we have noticed various folks on the Internet writing about how lame and trite certain blogs are for covering the Teabaggers only because of that silly sexual double entendre, which is now a dead joke. Indeed it is a dead joke! It’s been dead for weeks! (Although certain incidents do bring it new life every now and then.) But we would call them “Teabaggers” even without the sexual innuendo, because it is a hilarious movement based around tea bags, so yeah, “Teabaggers.” This is the Republican Party now! There is much more fuel to this thing than a simple sex joke that OMG old people don’t understand! Anyway… ha ha, testicles. Let’s look at some pictures of human testicles! MORE »

It is time. You must see what we have seen. There will be more, and they will be worse. This shitty, muddy, 500-person national protest with NO TEABAGS. Prepare to GO GALT. MORE »

We saw this tuxedoed pig-man belting his terrifying song about money outside the White House without knowing, say, what the hell was wrong with him. And then other non-tuxedoed protesters started yelling in his ear and telling him to shut up, so we just assumed that it was a microcosm of the considerably important ideological war between the Insanes and the AstroTurfs. But some lady later informed us that these tuxedoed pigs were “probably” secret ACORN agents, who, if you recall, make up Obama’s personal S.S. “hit squad.” They are employing the liberal tactic of Irony to show that the Tea Parties are just a corporate scam. Whatever. But they do have the cops in their back pocket! [YouTube]

Just an unbelievable amount of fail today. Pouring rain and NO tea bags to be seen whatsoever, save for this nice lady’s hat, which — to her credit — fairly accurately depicts the sexual act of teabagging. We’ll have many, many more pictures and videos from our terrifying sojourn to Lafayette Park coming up shortly, as well as important stories about ACORNs in tuxedos and how we inadvertently insulted the shit out of Fox News’ Griff Jenkins. What you need to do RIGHT NOW though is read this Washington Post story for *crucial* background information about the Root of All Fail.

‘Tis but one more moon until Tax Party Day, so Hill staffers should expect a veritable Ejaculation of insane teabagging art pamphlet mail today from their proudly Bitter constituents, who have become rather deft practitioners of the Microsoft Publisher application on their Hansen Writing Balls. Thank you to Hill operative “Bilbo” for the above letter.

A Hill staffer informs us that the Congressional Mail Room Security People are starting to go Code Mango on all tea bag anthrax letters, which is a tragedy, because now staffers can’t send us comical photos of the tea bags (unless they’re faxes!) And no more free treats for these poor worker bees! There’s always Nestle chocolate milk to steal, though. MORE »

Ever since America’s most recent 9/11, when an ex-derivatives trader ranted on the cable news money channel about Obama’s $75 billion plan to subsidize salvageable mortgages, certain Real Americans have developed this masturbatory obsession with tea bags and ladies’ tea parties and also sucking each others’ balls. They are doing this because of socialism, the cartoon movie The Watch Men, and the blacks — Congress, essentially. And as part of this ball-sucking guerilla war they now appear to be issuing “threats” by mailing certain substances in suspicious envelopes to the Senate. They freak out mail room employees and security guards for a few seconds until they realize that the substance is just tea — tea in the form of tea bags — probably mixed up with a few pubic hairs, for show. MORE »