Tag Archives: tampa

  the apocalypse starts right here right now

Flatworms, Flesh-Eating Bacteria And Rick Scott (But We Repeat Ourselves): Your Florida Roundup

The South Gon’ Rise Again (in a not-racist way this time, honest)
Greeting, Wonketteers. Are you ready to take a well-deserved break from your buttsechs gay marriage orgies and sojourn with me down to Your Very Favorite Land of Snakes and Swamps, a dystopian hellscape that not even Wes Anderson could make adorable? Sure you are! Let’s get to it. Read more on Flatworms, Flesh-Eating Bacteria And Rick Scott (But We Repeat Ourselves): Your Florida Roundup…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a good stiff metaphorical cleaning tool to our browser tabs, collect the stories that are too stupid to ignore altogether but not enough to deserve a full post, and serve them up to you in a metaphorical beverage that we urge you to consume a literal perception-altering agent of your choice before reading. Our Prime Derp this week was pretty much dictated by the mugshot above, which is the bug-eyed visage of one Bernard Marsonek of Tampa, Florida. Yup, Florida Man strikes again. Mr. Marsonek was arrested after neighbors flagged down police to report that he was doing sex to his pit bulldog. In his yard. While the neighbors yelled at him to please for the love of god stop sexing his dog in the yard, if that wouldn’t be too much trouble, please. When the cops interviewed Marsonek inside his house, they also found that he possessed a handgun, which led to another charge since he had a prior felony conviction (we don’t know what prior felony that was, and we don’t think we want to know). Eight pit pulls were seized and taken to Animal Services, and Marsonek was also charged with aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals. The one good thing to come out of this story? Wingnuts who worried about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” can be reassured that dogfucking remains illegal. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies…
  Jesus take the wheel

Florida Pastor Terry Jones Arrested For Improperly Storing And Transporting Kerosene In 2998 Korans

Some days we think we might just change the name of all our posts to “So! What’d you do now, Florida, HENGGGGH?” Because it seems like every single day, we get another Florida failure for the file. Or not seems like. Just every. single. day. And you know, sucking up every way to be the example of lowest common denominator inanity-insanity is no way to go through life, son. Still and yet, here we are, back in free-range asylum country, this time with Pastor Terry Jones, the gonna-burn-a-Koran attention-whorey head of the “Dove World Outreach Center,” some whackadoo church in Gainesville. (And we were born there y’all, so we can say with certainty, nothing good ever comes out of Gainesville.) Read more on Florida Pastor Terry Jones Arrested For Improperly Storing And Transporting Kerosene In 2998 Korans…
  let's make lots of money

Did Tampa Port Chief And Slumlord Get Public Funds For His Filthy Hovels? Would You Believe ‘Yes’?

You may recall the saga of William “Hoe” Brown, the chair of the Tampa Port Authority and big-dollar GOP fundraiser who also ran a filthy mobile-home slum on a commercial property that wasn’t zoned for rentals — at least until the Tampa Bay Times detailed the “unlivable conditions” in the trailers, which were filthy and infested with roaches. Well! Time for a couple of updates! The good news is that after the scandal broke in July, Brown shut down his slum and was shamed into resigning his unpaid but influential positions on the Port Authority and several other civic boards. The bad news is that bad news continues to trickle out — like sewage from a leaky septic system — about just how scummy this guy’s business practices were, including another Times story on Saturday, revealing that Brown collected some $600,000 in rent since 1998 from a Hillsborough County agency that provided temporary housing for homeless people. But there’s even some good-ish news there — we won’t go so far as to call it Nice Time — in that the agency will now reform its procedures to make sure it’s not sending poor people to live in filthy hovels, so one cheer for that at least. Read more on Did Tampa Port Chief And Slumlord Get Public Funds For His Filthy Hovels? Would You Believe ‘Yes’?…
  AND TWINS!

Barack Obama Was Probably Banging Jill Kelley Obviously, Except For How He Is Gay

Well this is much better! Tampa nonsense queen Jill Kelley and her evil twin visited the White House three times this year, an administration official told AP. Obviously, this means President Barack Obama has been boning both of them, in the SitRoom, while eating popcorn and laughing while watching Christopher Stevens die. He did this because he is a murderer, obviously, but also probably to throw people off the scent of his Muslim homosexual marriage. Read more on Barack Obama Was Probably Banging Jill Kelley Obviously, Except For How He Is Gay…
  pix or it didnt happen

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present To You: ‘The Shirtless F.B.I. Guy’

By all appearances, Frederick W. Humphries II, 47, has asked his remaining friends in the Federal Bureau of Investigation to reach out to The New York Times and speak as glowingly of his character as certain other people have spoken of certain other people’s maternal love. Wait, what? Oh, don’t worry about it. You guys, we got our SHIRTLESS FBI GUY!!1! (Photo from Seattle Times.) “Fred is a passionate kind of guy,” said one former colleague. “He’s kind of an obsessive type. If he locked his teeth onto something, he’d be a bulldog.” That description would appear to fit his involvement in the current investigation. Oh, New York Times, how we love it when you’re a catty bitch. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present To You: ‘The Shirtless F.B.I. Guy’…
  long cons

A Shady Charity, Millions In Debt, And ‘Diplomatic Inviolability’: Tampa’s Good-Time Kelley Sisters Are Perfect Republicans

It’s completely not fair that we in the media have now turned our considerable interest on the Kelley sistren. All they did was either get some shitty emails from a presumed nutzoid Internet stalker, or be related to someone who got some shitty emails from a presumed nutzoid Internet stalker, and now here we are and the Kelley Girls are the worst people in the entire world, or as we like to call them, ur-Republicans. Let us delve deep into the grotesque and typically GOP-pish misdeeds of these awful people, who are frickin’ perfect in every way. Read more on A Shady Charity, Millions In Debt, And ‘Diplomatic Inviolability’: Tampa’s Good-Time Kelley Sisters Are Perfect Republicans…
  come hell and high water

A Reminder To You On The East Coast That Mitt Romney Finds Your Travails Hilarious

Hai East Coast, what’s new? Sorry about your DEATH CRANE! We are just chilling here in sunny Californy watching old videos of Mitt Romney accepting his nomination. We were there! It was so great! We went from really really intensely disliking the man to a full-on hatred by the time he was done smirking, lying, mocking Jimmy Carter, smirking more, bearing false witness, making fun of Barack Obama for wanting to do something about global warming, and smirking. Oh wait, what was that second to last one? Yeah, making fun of Barack Obama for wanting to do something about global warming. Read more on A Reminder To You On The East Coast That Mitt Romney Finds Your Travails Hilarious…
  this week in stirring oratory

Science: Mitt Romney’s RNC Speech Most Terrible In History

Oh dear, Miff Romney, you are just a horrible presidential candidate, and for once it is not just Your Wonkette that thinks so! No, according to “polls,” your speech was received worse than any since Bob Dole stood on stage and just repeated his own name for 142 minutes of Old Man smell. But let us consider together just why Miff Romney’s speech was so horribly bad! Read more on Science: Mitt Romney’s RNC Speech Most Terrible In History…
  peggy's world

Peggy Noonan Saw a (New) Mexican (Governor)

Greeteries, subjects. It is I, thy lord Mme. HRH Miss Peggington Noonington, queene word-smither of thine Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet, and good heavens, the thingingtons that I Hath Seen in Tampa, polis of knaves and Deville Rays. Myne dispatchery hath been postington’d on the vulgarian electrico-blogge, vulgarly titled “Peggy Noonan’s Opinion Blog,” that mine Editors hath force upponeth Mee, for the increasery of Companie Revenues. I want-ingshire nothing of this robotico insta-sorcery; it is Beneathe Mee. Goode Heavens! Onwarding, then, to this se’en-day’s Declarations, myne column of souls. Dost thou rememberest, slave, the time that I eyed the visage of a Mexican? (This one time, I, Peggy Noonan, saweth a Mexican.) Now, a second sighting: I hath seen another Mexican, a “Susana Martinez,” Lord-Regent of the “New” Mexico territory. She resembleth a Mexican, from the Television drameries I vieweth in myne New-Amdersdamme skypod, on drugs. Read more on Peggy Noonan Saw a (New) Mexican (Governor)…
  Talking chairs just like in Peewee's Playhouse

Clint Eastwood Cries All The Time, Berates Chairs

The Republican National Convention was interrupted for 15 minutes last night after an 82-year-old man wandered onstage and began muttering to a chair he believed to be the president of the United States. He was interrupted several times by large men with mustaches, but only because they were clapping. It is unclear who forgot to teach Clint “I Fought in the Civil War” Eastwood what a teleprompter was, but the move caused many watching to describe themselves as “powerful confused.” There is no way to explain whatever it was Eastwood did last night. It may have been a speech in the planning phases, but what came out appeared to be more of a prolonged, pseudo-political brain-fart, the weird consequence of propping up a spaghetti western star to observe him having a stroke. Presented here are his exact words, trimmed because WOW there are a lot of them that didn’t make sense. Read more on Clint Eastwood Cries All The Time, Berates Chairs…
  it's the final countdown

And Now We Shall Live-Bloog The Ultimate Of Everything, Tampa-Styley

WHOA WHOA WHOA you guys, we stole someone’s credential and sneaked our ass in to this … place, with all the … people … and here is Jeb Bush all up in our grill talking about the greatness that is George W. Bush. So that is happening. Guess we will be starting this fucker … NOW. Read more on And Now We Shall Live-Bloog The Ultimate Of Everything, Tampa-Styley…
  like chick-fil-a but sour and bitter

Lindsey Graham Would Like To Feed On White Male Anger

After a convention in which literally every minority in the Republican Party gets to take the stage and chant about the things that “they” (read: the white people watching them) built, it’s time to reflect on how awesome it’s going to be when America is majority-minority and the GOP is ascendant. After all, Chuck Todd says that Democrats are super totes jeals over all the diversity at the GOP convention! Or not, because Lindsey Graham had to go open his stupid turdface mouth. “The demographics race we’re losing badly,” said Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (S.C.). “We’re not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term.” Whaaaa? Read more on Lindsey Graham Would Like To Feed On White Male Anger…
  important barack obama endorsements

Jan Brewer Loves Barack Obama Sooooo Much, Wants To Vote For Him And Have His Grandbabies

We knew that wagging finger in Bamz’s face was just Arizona Governor Jan Brewer’s sexxxy way of showing him she could be his naughty schoolmarm. We knew it the whole time, you guys! [Youtube, via Wonket operative “Vivek N.”] Read more on Jan Brewer Loves Barack Obama Sooooo Much, Wants To Vote For Him And Have His Grandbabies…
  twits

It Is Not Very Hard To Get Kicked Out Of A Politico Party Apparently

Tampa, Day Something — We had just gotten a small glass of Bulleit (the greatest bourbon) from the very sweet twenty-nothing barkeep, when a lady, who just moments before had gotten what looked to be a lovely pinot grigio, walked over and told us the bar was closed. Oh, okay, certainly! we said as we paused to take a sip. “No the bar is closed now,” she explained, and the dozen people standing with their drinks waited for us to put down our glass and let security escort us to the elevator. Apparently, we got kicked out of a Politico party for tweeting mean things? That is weird, right? Is that weird? Like, don’t put a hashtag in front of people and then expect them not to call you barfy? That is just how hashtags work! Read more on It Is Not Very Hard To Get Kicked Out Of A Politico Party Apparently…
  in case you were wondering still no building of that by you

Liveblogging Tampa Wednesday: Rand Paul Ryan Rubio Olympians?

I would like to welcome you all to my first ever Wonkette liveblog of anything ever except for those three years that I was secretly running the entire site but pretending I was white people! ARE YOU READY TO HEAR PEOPLE REFERENCE BUILDING THAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN??? I’m sure you are. Tonight, we have Rand Paul, who the RNC mistakenly identified as Ron Paul, and Jeb Bush, the only Bush allowed at the convention, and Marco Rubio, who is Cuban and therefore better than Democratic minorities, and of course P90X dreamboat Paul Ryan, who is neither Ron Paul or Rand Paul but will Fifty Shades of Grey the fuck out of you if you agree to take a Medicare voucher. Drop your drawers, because it’s RNC night two: PANTSLESS PROSPERITY! Complete stupid schedule here. There are Olympians tonight, too. Presumably ones who built that. Without coaches. Read more on Liveblogging Tampa Wednesday: Rand Paul Ryan Rubio Olympians?…
  hot pix

Arianna Huffington’s ‘Oasis’ Lounge Is the Only Place In All Of Tampa That Will Let Michael Steele In

Did you know that the first black chairman of the RNC was fired on Martin Luther King Day? We are not going to look it up, we are sure this chick Miranda was right about it, she seems like the kind of person who would be right about stuff. And even if Michael Steele, the first black chairman of the RNC, was not fired on Martin Luther King Day, it seems like the kind of thing the RNC would do, so we are just going to go with it. Did you also know that Michael Steele was not invited to participate in this Republican National Convention, like at all? We read that somewhere, it is probably also true. Him and Sarah Palin, man, the UNINVITED. Read more on Arianna Huffington’s ‘Oasis’ Lounge Is the Only Place In All Of Tampa That Will Let Michael Steele In…
  hot pix

A Children’s Treasury Of Pictures From Your Wonkette’s Tampa Rager

So you know that thing you do where you throw a party and even though you had a wonderful time and everyone had a wonderful time you just are like LET ME COUNT UP ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DID NOT COME. You do that right? Well all our media ‘lite friends who blew off our party, please know that it has been Noted. (The only media ‘lite who managed to get there from here were reporters from the local alts, to whom we gave some fine advice on how to cover a convention when you don’t have a credential — “work” from the bar, duh — and the lovely Erin Ryan of Jezebel. See if you can figure out which of the four women at this goddamn sausage party was she!) Anyway here have some pictures from the party our head hurts. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Pictures From Your Wonkette’s Tampa Rager…