Tag Archives: syria

  Also Dewey *Did* Defeat Truman

Jeb! Bush Remembers That One Time His Brother Won The Iraq War

This one was pretty much mandatory
Jeb! Bush would just like you all to know what a terrific job his brother George did in Iraq. No really, you may have thought it was a quagmire with thousands of dead Americans and hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis, plus the creation of instability that continues to this day, but now that he’s given it a lot of thought and gone back and forth on it a few times, Jeb! would like you to know that his big bro was much better at war stuff than you remember! Read more on Jeb! Bush Remembers That One Time His Brother Won The Iraq War…
  Worst Honeymoon EVER

Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?

THOSE CRAZY KIDS!
THOSE CRAZY KIDS! KIDS THESE DAYS. These two crazy Mississippi kids, Jaelyn Delshaun Young and Muhammad Oka Dakhlalla, had it all, or so they thought. They were in love, they got married, they had planned to fake a honeymoon but instead go fight with ISIS in Syria, they picked out this cute little house on the outskirts of town with a white picket, WAIT WHAT? Why you gotta do ISIS, y’all? What about “the beach” or “France” or “oh fuck it, we’re poor, let’s just drive to Memphis for the weekend?” Ugh, you idiots: Read more on Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?…
  this won't work

Nebraska Guy Wishes To Join ISIS, To Win Back Confiscated Pussy

Nah, the cat didn't join ISIS, we just wanted to use this pic.
You know that thing where you’re really mad at your local Humane Society, because those tyrants took your kitty cat away, because you were maybe abusing it, and you really need to teach them a lesson? Sure, we’ve all been there! (No we haven’t.) But this one Nebraska dude has been there, and he knows just what to do to avenge his lost pussy. He is going to join ISIS! Take THAT, Nebraska Humane Society! Read more on Nebraska Guy Wishes To Join ISIS, To Win Back Confiscated Pussy…
  This won't work unless it does then HURRAY!

Weather Channel Has Evil Scheme To Trick Old Wingnuts Into Believing Climate Change Is Real

Whatever, he should just move to Hawaii
If you are an 86-year-old wingnut, next time you switch back to the Weather Channel from “Wheel Of Fortune,” you might be in for a surprise. There might be a terrible and bad Smartie Pants person talking at you about how “climate change is real” and “no seriously, it is real, you moron.” Even worse, it might be a Republican. Why is the Weather Channel doing tyranny and betrayal to you, when you’re just trying to find out the current forecast for as many cities as you possibly can before you fall asleep in your chair? Read more on Weather Channel Has Evil Scheme To Trick Old Wingnuts Into Believing Climate Change Is Real…
  Also Kept Us Safe From Terrorism Mostly

George W. Bush Real Glad He Won Iraq War, Misses Commander Guy Cosplay

Ah the good ol' days
Look at this fuckin’ guy: A fair number of people in our country were saying that it was impossible to defeat al-Qaida — which is ISIS as far as I am concerned. They said I must get out of Iraq. But I chose the opposite — I sent 30,000 more troops as opposed to 30,000 fewer. I think history will show that al-Qaida in Iraq was defeated. Believe it or not, that’s George Dubya, still swaggering around and acting all proud of that time he beat the terrorists in Iraq, who weren’t there until he invaded the place because he sucks at geography, and also Daddy Issues. Good thing he took care of that so we never need to have “boots on the ground” in Iraq again, huh? Read more on George W. Bush Real Glad He Won Iraq War, Misses Commander Guy Cosplay…
  Point and laugh at the Arkansas idiot

Arkansas Senator Dude Tired Of Homos Parading About During Sunday Church Services

Jason Rapert points at homosexuals.
Arkansas state Sen. Jason Rapert has had thoughts again! We last heard from him when he was helpfully trying to get a Ten Commandments monument constructed on the grounds of the Arkansas state capitol, for “historical reasons,” because, like, all of our judicial system is based on those ten suggestions. (DUH.) Well, this week, he’s pissed off about the fags and fag-adjacents (read: lesbians) who decided, for the 12TH YEAR IN A ROW, to hold the Conway, Arkansas, gay pride parade on a Sunday, because he knows those gays picked that day in order to persecute godly Bible-believers like Rapert, who simply wish to get to church on Sunday unscathed by glitter or joy. Rapert logged on to the Facebook to tell us all how the gays hurt him in his no-no parts. Let’s mock him: Read more on Arkansas Senator Dude Tired Of Homos Parading About During Sunday Church Services…
  Ride my mustache away from the gay menace

Porn-stached Wingnut Just Asking: Should We Secede Because Of Gay Homo Marriage?

Come live inside my manly face hairs.
The Supreme Court is just about ready, any day now, to throatcram America TO DEATH, with gay marriage, and very serious newsman Joseph Farah, of the pre-condom gay porn-era Farahs, has taken to the august pixels of his very serious online newspaper WorldNetDaily, to propose a solution: If America simply must have gay marriage, we should pick a state, for all the sad people who hate gays more than they love life to move to, and then get that state to secede from the US and A: Read more on Porn-stached Wingnut Just Asking: Should We Secede Because Of Gay Homo Marriage?…
  Freedumb Fighter

American Dude Will Beat ISIS All By Himself If He Has To, Please Send Money

He's one serious guy
When Yr. Wonkette runs stories about our Liberty-loving pals in the militia crowd, who totally want to play soldier and keep America safe from Tyranny and Obama’s plans to destroy America, someone in the comments usually asks “If these guys want to be in a war so bad, why don’t they go to Syria and actually join up?” Now, the obvious answer is that most of them would rather defend Liberty from the comfort of their keyboard, with occasional camping trips to the Bundy Ranch or other flashpoints of federal overreach. But some guys actually do go Over There to start up their own little ISIS-fighting militias, and Mother Jones has one hell of a story about one of these wannabe Freedom Fighters, Matthew VanDyke, a guy who was born in Baltimore and is now making the rounds of rightwing media trying to raise money for an ISIS-destroyin’ Christian army in Syria — never mind that he may not really know what he’s doing or that the whole operation may be in violation of U.S. law. Read more on American Dude Will Beat ISIS All By Himself If He Has To, Please Send Money…
  Too Hot For Trenchcoats

CIA Drops Climate Research Program Because Polar Bears Make Lousy Spies

Guys, if we can get this black igloo open we'll eat like KINGS!
Polar bears check out the USS Honolulu near the North Pole In what may be yet another victory for the Republican War on Science, the CIA is shutting down a climate research project that shared classified data with scientists with the goal of studying links between climate change and national security. The move came shortly after President Obama devoted his commencement address at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy to arguing that climate change presents serious threats to U.S. security, what with population shifts, coastal flooding, disruptions to agriculture, and the like. You know, a lot of arrogant stuff about science having effects in the real world. Read more on CIA Drops Climate Research Program Because Polar Bears Make Lousy Spies…
  Also Won't Go In Against A Sicilian When Death Is On The Line

Shifty Barack Obama Won’t Even Admit He Invented ISIS

Oh, *that*...
Barack Obama is fairly sure he’s learned the lesson of the Iraq War, even if Republican presidential candidates are still working on figuring out what it was (Lesson: Stop asking about 2003 and blame Obama). In an interview with The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg published Thursday, Obama notes that he thought the Iraq war was a bad idea in 2003 — even knowing what we knew then. Read more on Shifty Barack Obama Won’t Even Admit He Invented ISIS…
  Bombs away!

House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War

You know how we do not have any money? And we are drowning in debt? And we should abolish the IRS and the Department of Education and repeal all healthcare and privatize Social Security and “fix Medicaid” by killing it dead so we can drown the U.S. government in a bathtub? And Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake is real concerned that we spend a whopping $135k a year to quarantine cocoa plants so they do not die from disease and infestation and we do not run out of chocolate, and that’s a horrible waste of taxpayer dollars, and that’s why we’re so broke? Read more on House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War…
  GOP and Iran sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Republicans Send Love Note To Iran That Obama Isn’t Really President, Wink Wink

Hey remember how I saved the country?
In an interesting maneuver of uber-patriotic diplomacy, Senate Republicans have decided to go rogue and educate Iran on how does the U.S. Constitution work, and how “President” Obama is, like, barely even the president: Read more on Republicans Send Love Note To Iran That Obama Isn’t Really President, Wink Wink…
  He's Seen Some Things Man

Scott Walker Knows How To Beat ISIS: Slash Their Pension Benefits

ISIS is pretty much just a teacher's union with rocket propelled grenades, after all
In his speech to CPAC Thursday night, Scott Walker let America know that he’s ready to handle international relations without wasting any time on diplomacy, explaining how his experience in crushing public-employee unions makes him the perfect choice to take on international terrorism: Read more on Scott Walker Knows How To Beat ISIS: Slash Their Pension Benefits…
  He Won't Be Lured Into Taking AP History

Wingnuts Fall In Viral Love With 12-Year-Old Who Knows Obama Hates America

He seems nice
Meet fresh new viral sensation CJ Pearson, a Georgia middle-schooler who is all over the Wingnuttosphere this week because he has the courage to say that Rudy Giuliani is absolutely right: Barack Obama does not love America. Unlike the former New York mayor, CJ — if he’s not going to use periods between his initials on his YouTube page, then neither will we — doesn’t get into any of Giuliani’s arcane stuff about how Obama was “raised differently from you and me,” possibly because CJ wasn’t raised by a low-level Mob enforcer. Read more on Wingnuts Fall In Viral Love With 12-Year-Old Who Knows Obama Hates America…