THAT’S ALL, FOLKS: It’s official: the pig AIDS is the first global flu epidemic in 41 years, according to the World Health Organization. Never forget. [AP]

It’s time for the TeeVee Personality Newz here at Wonkette! In today’s first-and-only edition, Keith Olbermann acts like a jackass! According to New York’s CityFile, MSNBC’s “Wost Person in the World” stomped off the job for three nights because his pal and protege Rachel Maddow had movie star/Web traffic expert Ben Affleck booked for her April 16 show. But Olbermann decided Jennifer Garner’s husband needed to be on Olbermann’s April 16 show. When MSNBC executives refused to grant his wish, Keith stormed away and didn’t return to work until three shows later. MORE »

DO NOT GIVE YOURSELF THE PIG-DEATH VIRUS ON PURPOSE: It may seem like an awesome idea to have a “party” where you invite somebody infected with the dread swine flu and then roll around on that person’s dirty Kleenexes, because why not, right? You get infected but then you get immunity! But who knows, you might die, too, so CDC officials are saying to lay off the swine flu parties already. [Breitbart]

Oh god oh god somebody tell the president! A family of filthy “birds” (that is common DC parlance for “tree rats”) has infiltrated the White House grounds. We must douse these animals in hand sanitizer, or boil them, or else just move them into a confined space with Joe Biden. [CNN]

TWO FER … SATURDAY?
Will Obama Protect the Media From Pig Flu? [Politics Daily]
Flu Horror at the Target [True/Slant]

Goddamnit, OF COURSE the first “residents” of Washington to get the pig AIDS are a couple of twats at the most expensive school in America, George Washington University. From the GW newspaper: “[Department of Health head Peter Pierre] Vigilance said that the cases have been sent the Centers for Disease Control for further testing. The two female students were infected because one student traveled to ‘an area of concern’ and then passed the virus to the other student, Vigilance said.” Thanks a lot, lesbians! [GW Hatchet]

We heard your cries of horror, so this week’s edition is three minutes long and PACKED with health & safety tips from The Awl’s Choire Sicha, so you won’t die of the pig-bird-hybrid flu! [The Awl]

Bob Dylan will have to write his next album about the terrible mice plague sweeping the nation of Australia, and by “the nation” we of course refer to “a single nursing home in Queensland.” Still, we must ask the important question: if the pig AIDS doesn’t kill us, will the mouse plague do it instead? MORE »

Slate! That’s technically a magazine. Yes, yes, magazine by a hair. Okay, here we go, let’s take a look at which articles this week everyone will be referencing in conversation as if they did not just about read these things in Slate. As in: Q: “Oh, did you know so-and-so fun fact about so-and-so marginal aspect of bee-keeping or children’s literature or the economy of Idaho or whatever?” A: “Yes, yes. In fact, bee-keeping or children’s literature or the economy of Idaho is currently experiencing this sort of trend and here is an unconventional rationale regarding why everything will eventually be fine!” Knowledge! MORE »

When word of a surprise new Bob Dylan studio album reached your Wonkette on March 20, we wondered what sort of Actual Hell this record would release, as it is established fact in this first awful decade of the 21st Century that Bob Dylan only releases new studio albums to mark the arrival of another Horseman of the Apocalypse. We’ve been listening to the new record for two days now, and have reached various conclusions, most of which can be summed up like this: JESUS CHRIST THE WHOLE ENTIRE ALBUM IS MEXICAN MUSIC. MORE »

We should have known. We should have known that Barack Obama would try to kill us via that Red Chinese nerd queer, the energy secretary “Choo Choo,” who’s so dumb and violent that he doesn’t even know what oil is. This Energy Department aide of his went down to Mexico a couple of weeks ago to set the table for Obama’s visit, and he just had to fuck a pig while he was there, and then he got the disease and tried to kill his whole family with it, in Maryland. MORE »