Tag Archives: swine flu

 

America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book

Free citizens of America! Is globalism grinding you down and burying you in Ameros? Are Obama’s secret police camped out in your driveway, waiting to haul you off to a FEMA camp? Does the NAFTA Superhighway run straight through your teabag sculpture garden? Got a case of the swine flu and aren’t sure which pig is responsible? The Trillion-Dollar Conspiracy: How the New World Order, Man-Made Diseases, and Zombie Banks Are Destroying America by widely-feted conspiracy journalist Jim Marrs will explain how and why! Read more on America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book…
  daily briefing

Presenting The Senate’s Compromisey $849 Billion Health Care Bill

Meet Harry Reid & the Senate’s Health Care Bill: $849 billion, 2,074 pages, no insurance for abortions or illegal immigrants, other characteristics, etc. [CNN] Despite really maxing out every copy editor’s patience with the word “contentious,” Hamid Karzai was sworn-in for another five-year term as President of Afghanistan.  [New York Times] Read more on Presenting The Senate’s Compromisey $849 Billion Health Care Bill…
  rumors on the internets

Goldman Sachs Artificially Inflates The Price Of H1N1

Yeah yeah alright, the mighty elephant “ballot boxed” (pun!) the snot out of the scrawny little donkey. But check out the guns on that elephant, and his extremely agitated facial expression. ‘Roids. Textbook case. [RedState] Read more on Goldman Sachs Artificially Inflates The Price Of H1N1…
  rumors on the internets

RedState Will Never Ever Ever Forgive Michael Steele, Ever

Erick Erickson insists upon a Great Purge to keep the GOP pure. Erick, you sick sick Stalinist bastard! [RedState] Sarah Palin is “ready” to be “president,” according to “Rush” “Limbaugh.” [Gateway Pundit] Read more on RedState Will Never Ever Ever Forgive Michael Steele, Ever…
  death and carnage

First Congressman Gets Pig AIDS! UH OH

Earlier today your Wonkette wrote, “Well, whichever members of Congress get sick first, we’ll know they’ve been schtupping the pages,” because all of the pages currently have devastating pig AIDS. Now we have a weiner! His name is Greg Walden (R-OR) and you can see him growing marijuana, on Twitter. Oops! [Twitter, The Hill] Read more on First Congressman Gets Pig AIDS! UH OH…
  it's really not so bad

C’MON PAGES, GET THE REST OF CONGRESS SICK: “Ten House pages were treated over the weekend for ‘flu-like symptoms’ in a potential outbreak of swine flu, the House Office of the Clerk announced Monday.” Those wretched rugrats, never washing their hands, coughing all over their Play-Do! Well, whichever members of Congress get sick first, we’ll know they’ve been schtupping the pages. [The Hill] Read more on …
  daily briefing

Actual Pigs Are Getting Swine Flu. What’s Next, Like, The Actual Swine Flu Virus Getting Swine Flu?

After being prodded by basically everyone on Earth, soon-to-be-former President of Afghanistan Hamid Karzai is ready to admit that he did not actually win the re-election. [New York Times] A new poll says that most people think the public option would be a good thing, actually. [Washington Post] Read more on Actual Pigs Are Getting Swine Flu. What’s Next, Like, The Actual Swine Flu Virus Getting Swine Flu?…
  daily briefing

Balloon Boy: A Case Of Highly Orchestrated Whimsy?

Bank of America lost $1 billion—and your Wonkette editor’s debit card!!—in the third quarter. [New York Times] Do not read this, keep thy heart pure: Boy in the Balloon? Likely a publicity stunt. [New York Times] Read more on Balloon Boy: A Case Of Highly Orchestrated Whimsy?…
  the honeymoon is over

Chuck Todd Humiliates Everyone With His Gross Person Sneezes

Things have gotten too comfortable between America and America’s husband, sensitive-seeming ginger Chuck Todd. He does not even cover his nose when he sneezes anymore, like a gross person. This is disgusting, as Kathleen Sebelius publicly explains for a good minute. Sneeze like you used to sneeze, Chuck. Read more on Chuck Todd Humiliates Everyone With His Gross Person Sneezes…
  daily briefing

Eight Years Since 9/11 And No Closer To A Consensus About How To Spell ‘Al-Qaeda’

Al-Qaeda is celebrating the eight year anniversary of 9/11 by being impotent, broke, and mired in petty bureaucratic struggles. [The Guardian] Democrats don’t want to send more troops to Afghanistan, despite Obama wanting this more than anything else in the world, basically. [New York Times] Read more on Eight Years Since 9/11 And No Closer To A Consensus About How To Spell ‘Al-Qaeda’…
  rumors on the internets

Nothing Says ‘Perfection’ Like Chuck Grassley

Martin Peretz of The New Republic has an extremely developed, terminal case of xenophobic crotch rot. [Barrett Brown: True/Slant] Senator Grassley is only interested in the perfect health care bill. It must be as strong as an ox on ‘roids, as whimsical as a bicurious white tiger. It must birth from Adam’s meatiest rib. It must be a masterpiece, it must be perfect. [Matt Yglesias] Read more on Nothing Says ‘Perfection’ Like Chuck Grassley…
  vectors

Senate Pages All Have Swine Flu Pig AIDS

Considering the way DC interns and pages spend literally every waking hour exchanging bodily fluids and poop with each other and their middle-aged closeted bosses, the only thing surprising about the “Senate Pages Got The Pig AIDS” story is that the number of infected pages is only five. Jesus, about 98% of them already have syphilis and tuberculosis, so a measly five Swine-y flu pages in the nation’s foulest chamber of gross old men doing gross old things to weird children who volunteer for such pedophilia … well, that’s a pretty good argument for Swine Flu being “no big deal.” [True/Slant, KPCC] Read more on Senate Pages All Have Swine Flu Pig AIDS…
  the public health community's 9/11

THAT’S ALL, FOLKS: It’s official: the pig AIDS is the first global flu epidemic in 41 years, according to the World Health Organization. Never forget. [AP]
  petulant children

Keith Olbermann Skips Work Because Rachel Maddow Got Ben Affleck

It’s time for the TeeVee Personality Newz here at Wonkette! In today’s first-and-only edition, Keith Olbermann acts like a jackass! According to New York’s CityFile, MSNBC’s “Wost Person in the World” stomped off the job for three nights because his pal and protege Rachel Maddow had movie star/Web traffic expert Ben Affleck booked for her April 16 show. But Olbermann decided Jennifer Garner’s husband needed to be on Olbermann’s April 16 show. When MSNBC executives refused to grant his wish, Keith stormed away and didn’t return to work until three shows later. Read more on Keith Olbermann Skips Work Because Rachel Maddow Got Ben Affleck…
  gross things that people do for fun

DO NOT GIVE YOURSELF THE PIG-DEATH VIRUS ON PURPOSE: It may seem like an awesome idea to have a “party” where you invite somebody infected with the dread swine flu and then roll around on that person’s dirty Kleenexes, because why not, right? You get infected but then you get immunity! But who knows, you might die, too, so CDC officials are saying to lay off the swine flu parties already. [Breitbart] Read more on …
  that's not very sanitary

Death-Flu Chickens Roosting Outside White House

Embedded video from CNN Video Oh god oh god somebody tell the president! A family of filthy “birds” (that is common DC parlance for “tree rats”) has infiltrated the White House grounds. We must douse these animals in hand sanitizer, or boil them, or else just move them into a confined space with Joe Biden. [CNN] Read more on Death-Flu Chickens Roosting Outside White House…