swine flu

Free citizens of America! Is globalism grinding you down and burying you in Ameros? Are Obama’s secret police camped out in your driveway, waiting to haul you off to a FEMA camp? Does the NAFTA Superhighway run straight through your teabag sculpture garden? Got a case of the swine flu and aren’t sure which pig […]

Meet Harry Reid & the Senate’s Health Care Bill: $849 billion, 2,074 pages, no insurance for abortions or illegal immigrants, other characteristics, etc. [CNN] Despite really maxing out every copy editor’s patience with the word “contentious,” Hamid Karzai was sworn-in for another five-year term as President of Afghanistan.  [New York Times] Eric Holder took questions […]

Yeah yeah alright, the mighty elephant “ballot boxed” (pun!) the snot out of the scrawny little donkey. But check out the guns on that elephant, and his extremely agitated facial expression. ‘Roids. Textbook case. [RedState] Everyone gets access to affordable health care? Isn’t that what happened to the Jews at Dachau? The latest scholarship — […]

Erick Erickson insists upon a Great Purge to keep the GOP pure. Erick, you sick sick Stalinist bastard! [RedState] Sarah Palin is “ready” to be “president,” according to “Rush” “Limbaugh.” [Gateway Pundit] Who else is on the CIA payroll, besides Ahmed Wali Karzai and Luis Posada Carriles? The answer will not surprise you in the […]

Earlier today your Wonkette wrote, “Well, whichever members of Congress get sick first, we’ll know they’ve been schtupping the pages,” because all of the pages currently have devastating pig AIDS. Now we have a weiner! His name is Greg Walden (R-OR) and you can see him growing marijuana, on Twitter. Oops! [Twitter, The Hill]

IT'S REALLY NOT SO BAD  2:41 pm October 20, 2009

by Jim Newell

C’MON PAGES, GET THE REST OF CONGRESS SICK: “Ten House pages were treated over the weekend for ‘flu-like symptoms’ in a potential outbreak of swine flu, the House Office of the Clerk announced Monday.” Those wretched rugrats, never washing their hands, coughing all over their Play-Do! Well, whichever members of Congress get sick first, we’ll […]

After being prodded by basically everyone on Earth, soon-to-be-former President of Afghanistan Hamid Karzai is ready to admit that he did not actually win the re-election. [New York Times] A new poll says that most people think the public option would be a good thing, actually. [Washington Post] Swine flu has spread to this one […]

Bank of America lost $1 billion—and your Wonkette editor’s debit card!!—in the third quarter. [New York Times] Do not read this, keep thy heart pure: Boy in the Balloon? Likely a publicity stunt. [New York Times] A weak dollar is good news for things that are made here and exported elsewhere. This is an important […]

Things have gotten too comfortable between America and America’s husband, sensitive-seeming ginger Chuck Todd. He does not even cover his nose when he sneezes anymore, like a gross person. This is disgusting, as Kathleen Sebelius publicly explains for a good minute. Sneeze like you used to sneeze, Chuck.

Al-Qaeda is celebrating the eight year anniversary of 9/11 by being impotent, broke, and mired in petty bureaucratic struggles. [The Guardian] Democrats don’t want to send more troops to Afghanistan, despite Obama wanting this more than anything else in the world, basically. [New York Times] Turns out that human beings can beat THE SWINE with […]

Martin Peretz of The New Republic has an extremely developed, terminal case of xenophobic crotch rot. [Barrett Brown: True/Slant] Senator Grassley is only interested in the perfect health care bill. It must be as strong as an ox on ‘roids, as whimsical as a bicurious white tiger. It must birth from Adam’s meatiest rib. It […]

Considering the way DC interns and pages spend literally every waking hour exchanging bodily fluids and poop with each other and their middle-aged closeted bosses, the only thing surprising about the “Senate Pages Got The Pig AIDS” story is that the number of infected pages is only five. Jesus, about 98% of them already have […]

THE PUBLIC HEALTH COMMUNITY'S 9/11  12:38 pm June 11, 2009

by Sara K. Smith

THAT’S ALL, FOLKS: It’s official: the pig AIDS is the first global flu epidemic in 41 years, according to the World Health Organization. Never forget. [AP]

It’s time for the TeeVee Personality Newz here at Wonkette! In today’s first-and-only edition, Keith Olbermann acts like a jackass! According to New York’s CityFile, MSNBC’s “Wost Person in the World” stomped off the job for three nights because his pal and protege Rachel Maddow had movie star/Web traffic expert Ben Affleck booked for her […]

DO NOT GIVE YOURSELF THE PIG-DEATH VIRUS ON PURPOSE: It may seem like an awesome idea to have a “party” where you invite somebody infected with the dread swine flu and then roll around on that person’s dirty Kleenexes, because why not, right? You get infected but then you get immunity! But who knows, you […]