Tag: swine flu

America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book

Free citizens of America! Is globalism grinding you down and burying you in Ameros? Are Obama's secret police camped out in your driveway, waiting to haul you off to a FEMA camp? Does the NAFTA Superhighway run straight through...

Presenting The Senate’s Compromisey $849 Billion Health Care Bill

Meet Harry Reid & the Senate's Health Care Bill: $849 billion, 2,074 pages, no insurance for abortions or illegal immigrants, other characteristics, etc. Despite really maxing out every copy editor's patience with the word "contentious," Hamid Karzai was sworn-in...

Goldman Sachs Artificially Inflates The Price Of H1N1

Yeah yeah alright, the mighty elephant "ballot boxed" (pun!) the snot out of the scrawny little donkey. But check out the guns on that elephant, and his extremely agitated facial expression. 'Roids. Textbook case. Everyone gets access to...

RedState Will Never Ever Ever Forgive Michael Steele, Ever

Erick Erickson insists upon a Great Purge to keep the GOP pure. Erick, you sick sick Stalinist bastard! Sarah Palin is "ready" to be "president," according to "Rush" "Limbaugh." Who else is on the CIA payroll, besides Ahmed...

First Congressman Gets Pig AIDS! UH OH

Earlier today your Wonkette wrote, "Well, whichever members of Congress get sick first, we’ll know they’ve been schtupping the pages," because all of the pages currently have devastating pig AIDS. Now we have a weiner! His name is Greg...

C'MON PAGES, GET THE REST OF CONGRESS SICK: "Ten House pages were treated over the weekend for 'flu-like symptoms' in a potential outbreak of swine flu, the House Office of the Clerk announced Monday." Those wretched rugrats, never washing...

Actual Pigs Are Getting Swine Flu. What’s Next, Like, The Actual Swine Flu Virus Getting Swine Flu?

After being prodded by basically everyone on Earth, soon-to-be-former President of Afghanistan Hamid Karzai is ready to admit that he did not actually win the re-election. A new poll says that most people think the public option would be...

Balloon Boy: A Case Of Highly Orchestrated Whimsy?

Bank of America lost $1 billion—and your Wonkette editor's debit card!!—in the third quarter. Do not read this, keep thy heart pure: Boy in the Balloon? Likely a publicity stunt. A weak dollar is good news for things that...

Chuck Todd Humiliates Everyone With His Gross Person Sneezes

Things have gotten too comfortable between America and America's husband, sensitive-seeming ginger Chuck Todd. He does not even cover his nose when he sneezes anymore, like a gross person. This is disgusting, as Kathleen Sebelius publicly explains for a...

Eight Years Since 9/11 And No Closer To A Consensus About How To Spell ‘Al-Qaeda’

Al-Qaeda is celebrating the eight year anniversary of 9/11 by being impotent, broke, and mired in petty bureaucratic struggles. Democrats don't want to send more troops to Afghanistan, despite Obama wanting this more than anything else in the world,...

Nothing Says ‘Perfection’ Like Chuck Grassley

Martin Peretz of The New Republic has an extremely developed, terminal case of xenophobic crotch rot. Senator Grassley is only interested in the perfect health care bill. It must be as strong as an ox on 'roids, as whimsical...

Senate Pages All Have Swine Flu Pig AIDS

Considering the way DC interns and pages spend literally every waking hour exchanging bodily fluids and poop with each other and their middle-aged closeted bosses, the only thing surprising about the "Senate Pages Got The Pig AIDS" story is...

THAT'S ALL, FOLKS: It's official: the pig AIDS is the first global flu epidemic in 41 years, according to the World Health Organization. Never forget.

Keith Olbermann Skips Work Because Rachel Maddow Got Ben Affleck

It's time for the TeeVee Personality Newz here at Wonkette! In today's first-and-only edition, Keith Olbermann acts like a jackass! According to New York's CityFile, MSNBC's "Wost Person in the World" stomped off the job for three nights because...

DO NOT GIVE YOURSELF THE PIG-DEATH VIRUS ON PURPOSE: It may seem like an awesome idea to have a "party" where you invite somebody infected with the dread swine flu and then roll around on that person's dirty Kleenexes,...

Death-Flu Chickens Roosting Outside White House

Embedded video from CNN Video Oh god oh god somebody tell the president! A family of filthy "birds" (that is common DC parlance for "tree rats") has infiltrated the White House grounds. We must douse these animals in hand sanitizer,...