Here’s “the news:” tomorrow morning, Barack Obama will speak at 10:10 to outline his plan for closing Guantanamo Bay, if there still is a plan, while Dick Cheney will speak to the American Enterprise Institute at 10:30 re: his favorite torture moments. In other words, if you live anywhere in the continental United States and open your window right now, you’ll be able to hear the violent fapping sounds emanating from Time magazine’s Washington bureau. MORE »

The dumb girl from MTV’s The Hills program — which follows her and another dumb girl and their boyfriends and their internships — has endorsed John McCain. And McCain responded, because some reporter actually took the time to ask him about it! McCain said,”I’m honored to have Heidi’s support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of ‘The Hills,’ especially since the new season started.” So now we know that. [Swampland]

According to reports in Horry (ahem) County, South Carolina — where Myrtle Beach is — voting machines have been hijacked by merciless corporates smoking Cuban cigars, eating children malfunctioning. And if the machines don’t work, and officials don’t have any paper ballots on hand, then officials take their phone numbers and call them when new ballots come in. John McCain relies on huge voter turnout given his appeal to independents, so naturally he’s released some bullshit statement. MORE »