THE MOST FRIGHTENING IMAGE KNOWN TO MAN (AND WO-MAN!): It’s your Wednesday Fun Link, everybody. And… OH JESUS GAH!! Kathleen Sebelius’ face is on fire! “Sebelius had a basal cell carcinoma removed from her forehead on Tuesday during a successful standard outpatient procedure, according to HHS spokeswoman Jenny Backus.” Gross. Take it back to Wichita! If this is what they mean by “health care,” we don’t want any part of it. [Washington Post]

HYPOTHETICALLY, IF THERE WERE, IN FACT, DEATH PANELS, IN SOME CASES IT MIGHT MAKE SENSE TO THINK ABOUT USING THEM. On an unrelated note, Vice President of Hell Dick Cheney is headed to surgery today so that he might rid himself forever of his tragic back pain. It is somewhat of an experimental treatment, as this is an operation typically performed on human beings. [Washington Post]

BARBARA BUSH HAS SUCCESSFUL HEART SURGERY: Former first lady (and a Pierce by birth, never you forget) Barbara Bush underwent what the cretins call “open heart surgery” earlier today. Doctors successfully removed the Jameson bottle and now she’s… oops, wrong Kennedy. You only heard about this news tonight because it would have been very uncouth to alert the public to this embarrassing affair earlier in the day. Oh, puddingsticks. [CNN]

Former best-speaker-ever and PageFuckerGate legend Denny Hastert is recovering from mysterious surgery “to remove his gall bladder,” the Illinois congressman’s office reported. MORE »

As the nation pretends to mourn our pretend president, what people are really thinking about is Bob Dole’s smooth ‘n sexy new look. MORE »

From her campaign site: MORE »