The world will always remember the day when the Obama presidency began its tragic downward spiral: the day that Dr. Sanjay Gupta, television’s handsomest authority on thyroid pills, decided that he wanted to “spend more time with his family” rather than Serve the Nation as surgeon general. Since then, Obama has been helplessly casting about looking for America’s Doctor and finding nothing but a swarm of venal insurance industry whores in white coats. MORE »

Now that teevee actor Sanjay Gupta has officially turned down the unwanted Commerce Department job of “surgeon general,” some people at the White House are saying, “Hey, what’s that other guy who was a doctor and had something or other to do with the Democrats? Why not him?” MORE »

As Mark Penn told us all during the Democratic primaries, it is an established socio-political fact that black people do not like brown people and vice-versa, because of Microtrends, and this is why Barack Obama cannot win 70% of the Hispanic vote. This scientific insight about wacky minorities is the only possible explanation for why old black Congressman John Conyers has written a letter to his fellow legislators attacking our future surgeon general, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, the very attractive medicine guy of daytime cable news fame. It is ruthless and laden with factual and typographical errors, to add further insult to Dr. Gupta’s Guatemalan heritage. MORE »

Hey Obama waited until the last minute to pick a surgeon general, the government’s top doctor! SHIT SHIT SHIT who should he pick?? Uh uh uhhhhhh… quick, without even thinking: name a famous real-life teevee doctor! Him? Sure, fine, whatever, he can run America’s doctors. MORE »

Acting U.S. Surgeon General Rear Adm. Steven K. Galson has launched the Administration’s first attack in this year’s War on Christmas. The ASG declared that Santa is too heavy to be a good role model, telling the Boston Herald, “It is really important that the people who kids look up to as role models are in good shape, eating well and getting exercise… Santa is no different.” The ASG’s comment comes in the wake of Australia’s war on “hohoho” and made one of us crave, um, cookies. We ask for your opinion, after the jump.

MORE »

Surgeon General. Seems like an awesome job, right? You get to be a “Vice Admiral” in something calld the “Public Health Service Commissioned Corps,” which means wearing an awesome uniform, you get to boss people around about smoking and shit, and we’re pretty sure you get to decide which little orphan boys on organ donor waiting lists live and which ones die. So leave it the the Bush administration to take that awesome job and turn it into a messy partisan freakshow. MORE »