SOTU II: Revenge of the Terrorists
Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
9:07 — So, our beaten nation now overwhelmingly believes we are losing the War On Terror — which is pretty awesome when you think about it, because it means Bush & Cheney have ultimately succeeded in linking 9/11 with Iraq!
9:10 — Oh for fuck’s sake, he gets “wooooooo!”??? Okay, that’s more like it, “Good luck.” Did Michelle Bachmann just laugh in his face like a crazy nut?
9:12 — “Looks like high school kids greeting each other after summer,” says Chris Matthews, who has name-dropped like a bitch for the past hour.
9:12 — Speaking of name dropping, you want to keep up with the comments on this post and the last one.
9:13 — A rare bit of class from Bush’s speechwriters, noting the first “Madame Speaker.” Cheney doesn’t look quite so pleased. Of course, if Tim Johnson doesn’t have a “speedy recovery,” Cheney will be very pleased, indeed.
9:17 — Actually, wages for the vast majority of Americans have been stagnant for the entire six years Bush has been president.
9:18 — Ohhhh, now he wants to balance the budget.
9:18 — “Without raising taxes” … what about the taxes on health care?
9:19 — Well, five years ago we didn’t even have a federal deficit.
9:20 — Time to refill the three glasses on this editor’s desk.
9:21 — WALNUTS just hopped up like the red-faced comb-over psychotic weirdo he is … Ted Kennedy is either suffering a helluva headache or is listening to a really sad Kate Bush song on his iPod.
9:25 — Hey, that’s what Hillary said about health care in 1993!
9:27 — Oh great, now he’s going to screw up states’ attempts to provide health care for the poor. Sorry, California and Massachusetts.
9:28 — Again with the private accounts.
9:29 — Oh man, the Republicans are going to KILL Bush over this guest worker thing. Luckily, he has Count Chertoff and the armies of vampires for protection.
9:31 — Lou Dobbs is actually going to murder Bush with his own orange-haired hands.
9:32 — Guess who else plans for the USA to use 20% less oil in 10 years? China and India!
9:33 — 2017 is going to be the most awesome year EVER.
9:34 — Nice yawn, big gal in the purple dress!
9:33 — Everybody take a shot of vodka with Cheney and Bush!
9:35 — Uhm, dude, I don’t think that “take the fight to the enemy” has been “settled” in any way, shape or form.
9:36 — If the days of refuge and comfort and communication have ended for the terrorists, what exactly is going on with Bin Laden, Mullah Omar and the rest of them housed and protected by our alleged goddamned ally, Pakistan?
9:38 — Again with the utterly made-up bullshit about the “plot to fly an airplane into the tallest building” in Los Angeles. That was made up. Stop telling stories.
9:39 — Well, we did make The Terrahists a nice little place called Iraq.
9:39 — Here comes the Iran crap.
9:40 — He’s gonna bomb Iran.
9:40 — If Pelosi’s got a shiv, America may be spared the nuclear holocaust.
9:42 — Seriously, where is this enemy? Who are they? They’ve got a helluva agent, don’t they?
9:44 — Nothing like a retard clumsily reading a really poorly written summary of neocon world news.
9:45 — Or, we could find our resolve and impeach your ass.
9:46 — Long, long, long and boring. Say the state of our thing is awesome and wrap it up, bro.
9:47 — Okay, now he’s just reading the Surge Speech again. What, did they print the new one on the back of the old one?
9:48 — Weird how Bush & Cheney did exactly what this so-called enemy wanted so bad. So if Pelosi just put on a burqa and posted something on MySpace, would Bush do exactly what she wants?
9:51 — Jesus, 230+ comments on this post. We advise you read those and ignore the rest of the speech, because now he’s just saying stuff not even he believes would ever be approved.
9:52 — Oh great, because the military reserve is really holding out great under the Endless War Plan.
9:55 — AIDS is bad! (Applause.)
9:56 — Malaria is bad! (Applause.)
9:56 — Oh man, he’s on the Borgen Project, isn’t he? (Applause.)
9:07 — So, our beaten nation now overwhelmingly believes we are losing the War On Terror — which is pretty awesome when you think about it, because it means Bush & Cheney have ultimately succeeded in linking 9/11 with Iraq!
9:10 — Oh for fuck’s sake, he gets “wooooooo!”??? Okay, that’s more like it, “Good luck.” Did Michelle Bachmann just laugh in his face like a crazy nut?
9:12 — “Looks like high school kids greeting each other after summer,” says Chris Matthews, who has name-dropped like a bitch for the past hour.
9:12 — Speaking of name dropping, you want to keep up with the comments on this post and the last one.
9:13 — A rare bit of class from Bush’s speechwriters, noting the first “Madame Speaker.” Cheney doesn’t look quite so pleased. Of course, if Tim Johnson doesn’t have a “speedy recovery,” Cheney will be very pleased, indeed.
9:17 — Actually, wages for the vast majority of Americans have been stagnant for the entire six years Bush has been president.
9:18 — Ohhhh, now he wants to balance the budget.
9:18 — “Without raising taxes” … what about the taxes on health care?
9:19 — Well, five years ago we didn’t even have a federal deficit.
9:20 — Time to refill the three glasses on this editor’s desk.
9:21 — WALNUTS just hopped up like the red-faced comb-over psychotic weirdo he is … Ted Kennedy is either suffering a helluva headache or is listening to a really sad Kate Bush song on his iPod.
9:25 — Hey, that’s what Hillary said about health care in 1993!
9:27 — Oh great, now he’s going to screw up states’ attempts to provide health care for the poor. Sorry, California and Massachusetts.
9:28 — Again with the private accounts.
9:29 — Oh man, the Republicans are going to KILL Bush over this guest worker thing. Luckily, he has Count Chertoff and the armies of vampires for protection.
9:31 — Lou Dobbs is actually going to murder Bush with his own orange-haired hands.
9:32 — Guess who else plans for the USA to use 20% less oil in 10 years? China and India!
9:33 — 2017 is going to be the most awesome year EVER.
9:34 — Nice yawn, big gal in the purple dress!
9:33 — Everybody take a shot of vodka with Cheney and Bush!
9:35 — Uhm, dude, I don’t think that “take the fight to the enemy” has been “settled” in any way, shape or form.
9:36 — If the days of refuge and comfort and communication have ended for the terrorists, what exactly is going on with Bin Laden, Mullah Omar and the rest of them housed and protected by our alleged goddamned ally, Pakistan?
9:38 — Again with the utterly made-up bullshit about the “plot to fly an airplane into the tallest building” in Los Angeles. That was made up. Stop telling stories.
9:39 — Well, we did make The Terrahists a nice little place called Iraq.
9:39 — Here comes the Iran crap.
9:40 — He’s gonna bomb Iran.
9:40 — If Pelosi’s got a shiv, America may be spared the nuclear holocaust.
9:42 — Seriously, where is this enemy? Who are they? They’ve got a helluva agent, don’t they?
9:44 — Nothing like a retard clumsily reading a really poorly written summary of neocon world news.
9:45 — Or, we could find our resolve and impeach your ass.
9:46 — Long, long, long and boring. Say the state of our thing is awesome and wrap it up, bro.
9:47 — Okay, now he’s just reading the Surge Speech again. What, did they print the new one on the back of the old one?
9:48 — Weird how Bush & Cheney did exactly what this so-called enemy wanted so bad. So if Pelosi just put on a burqa and posted something on MySpace, would Bush do exactly what she wants?
9:51 — Jesus, 230+ comments on this post. We advise you read those and ignore the rest of the speech, because now he’s just saying stuff not even he believes would ever be approved.
9:52 — Oh great, because the military reserve is really holding out great under the Endless War Plan.
9:55 — AIDS is bad! (Applause.)
9:56 — Malaria is bad! (Applause.)
9:56 — Oh man, he’s on the Borgen Project, isn’t he? (Applause.)
Bush is still having the worst luck at seemingly friendly functions with Democratic lawmakers. It all started with 
Stock up on whisky and bullets, because there’s another Bush speech next week: the State of the Union address. Forgot about that one, did you? 
There’s great news for America: The federal deficit has finally fallen back to early-2002 levels, meaning things are now only as bad as they were immediately after 9/11. Why the not-so-bad news? The surge, obviously:
Adding to the evidence that George W. Bush was recently replaced by a hologram, the White House didn’t allow still photographers in the room where Bush read his surge speech Wednesday. 
One of the last rats to abandon the sinking, burning ship, Tony Blair is set to announce 2,600 of the British troops in Iraq are coming home, leaving just 4,100 that MoD officials say should be mostly home later this year. 
We’re taking bets on the eventual overthrow of our very own 21st Century Ngo Dinh Diem, Iraq Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki — will it be surreptitiously sponsored by us or by al-Sadr-allied Shia hardliners? Even money right now, as Maliki’s getting a surge whether he likes it or not: 
How would you, the normal American with no actual voice in what happens, like to see George W. Bush’s speech conclude tonight?