Tag Archives: surge

  chicken hawks

Let These Chickenhawks Explain You Why Chuck Hagel/Military Service Are Irrelevant In Post-9/11 World

Are you sick of hearing about Chuck Hagel? We are sick of hearing about Chuck Hagel too, but there are so many pearls of wisdom and hidden insights in this New York Times article about him that we cannot resist sharing it with you. For example: did you know that being a war hero does not give you any credibility whatsoever, unless you happen to be speaking in favor of more war, in which case, please step up to the mike? Also, did you know that there is such a thing as “mainstream internationalism,” and that Bill Kristol is the perfect spokesperson for it? Read more on Let These Chickenhawks Explain You Why Chuck Hagel/Military Service Are Irrelevant In Post-9/11 World…
  our flourishing economies

McCain Economic ‘Surge’ Would Add Thousands Of Troops To Aid War On Economy

A leaked McCain campaign memo outlines the Republican candidate’s bold plan for the American economy. It goes something like this: WAR WAR WAR WAR TAXCUTS WAR. Applying some valuable lessons from our adventure in Iraq, the McCain economic “surge” will ferret out the last weakened remnants of the American economy and wage a bitter street-by-street countereconomic strategy until, in the end, we will be able to hand over stewardship of a penniless nation to our grateful children and grandchildren. Read more on McCain Economic ‘Surge’ Would Add Thousands Of Troops To Aid War On Economy…
  greaseballs

Barack Obama Secretly Runs Senate Banking Committee!

Here’s our pal Barack Obama, saying that the Senate Banking Committee — “which is my committee,” he says — passed some bill about something. Problem is, he’s not actually on the Senate Banking Committee at all. Maybe he meant to say he’s on the SENATE LIARS COMMITTEE where he passed a bill about MAKING SHIT UP. This is significantly more important than John McCain saying the Surge caused things that happened before the Surge. [YouTube] Read more on Barack Obama Secretly Runs Senate Banking Committee!…
 

Wonkette Operatives Cover Petraeus Hearing On Capitol Hill!

A reader writes, “Did you check out Dana Milbank of the Washington Post‘s antics two rows over Petraeus’s right shoulder during his opening statement? Squirming, standing, twisting, straining to read the Code Pink banners, paying no attention to any of Petraeus’s comments about life and death nor the situation on the ground in Iraq – just making a complete and utter nuisance and distraction of himself?” Why yes, yes we did — we believe he was even caught on film. [Photo via NYT] Read more on Wonkette Operatives Cover Petraeus Hearing On Capitol Hill!…
 

Bloodthirsty Robot Hoodlums Will Be Terrorists And Soldiers Of The Future

Robot slaves may be the foot soldiers in John McCain’s thousand-year surge, if expert predictions prove true. Scientists in the field of artificial intelligence see a time in the not-so-distant future when robots will be able to kill on command without any human intervention. This intriguing development could leave the United States to wage robot wars across the planet with other countries’ robots, making war into a sort of healthy and ultimately deathless exercise, except for the robot slaves who will perish horribly in flames. Scientific proof after the jump. Read more on Bloodthirsty Robot Hoodlums Will Be Terrorists And Soldiers Of The Future…
 

Bush Speech Full of Victorious Lies

Oh right, so the President’s Iraq talk. We were at a party, we did not actually watch it, but we read the transcript. Or at least the Washington Post’s summary of the transcript. The first couple paragraphs, anyway. It’s all pretty confusing! Read more on Bush Speech Full of Victorious Lies…
 

The Troop Surge, As Seen From Fashion Week

newVideoPlayer("brandon_davis.flv", 475, 376);Roving Wonkette videographer Liz Glover called us yesterday to say that she was in New York for some reason, crashing Fashion Week parties. And she had clips of Brandon Davis (oil heir, Paris Hilton confidante, douche) and Jenna Jameson talking about, well, Iraq. We said, ok, sure, why not? Davis is no Joe Biden, and that may be the very first time we’ve meant that sentiment in a negative way. Jameson, talking about voting, is after the jump. Read more on The Troop Surge, As Seen From Fashion Week…
 

Iraqi Insurgents Tragically Fail To Kill U.S. Lawmakers

Iraqi insurgents nearly killed three Republican senators and a Democrat from the House, for good measure, as the Americans attempted to flee Iraq on Thursday. GOP senators Richard Shelby, James Inhofe, Mel Martinez and Alabama Representative “Robert” E. “Bud” Cramer were finishing their vacation in Baghdad when missiles and rocket-propelled grenades were fired at their C-130 cargo plane. Read more on Iraqi Insurgents Tragically Fail To Kill U.S. Lawmakers…
 

Iraq Forever!

So we’ve been thinking Spring Break ’08 is def. def. def. Korea, but what about ’09? Where can we go with sand, sun, and an indefinite US military commitment? Why, Iraq, of course! Looks like Spring Break is saved, thanks to the Pentagon — again! Read more on Iraq Forever!…
 

Via Con Dios, Jorge

* Republican House members love their new $4,400 raises, hate conservatives. [RedState] * Walnuts McCain hates free speech, the Supreme Court, capitalism, and you. [Reason Hit&Run] * African-Americans are advised to register to vote and then cast a vote on election day. [Vote Nigga] * Fred Thompson is a fat old man with severe gas. [Bloomberg] * Tony Blair lasted a decade as prime minister but won’t last a year as Middle East UnFuckerUpper. [Passport] * The Surge Worked — the Surge of Iraqi authors and novelists publishing books this summer about how the U.S. destroyed their country, we mean! [Iraq Slogger] Read more on Via Con Dios, Jorge…
 

The Surge is Done!

We’ve successfully surged the hell out of Iraq, and now we just have to sit back and watch the freedom roll in. We remember the beginning of the SURGE like it was just last February — children across these United States decked out in their SURGE shirts, asking their parents to buy them the official SURGE tie-in video game for their “Play Stations” and “Game Boys”, asking with adorable naiveté why their fathers were going away for such a long time — and now that it’s finished, we’ve got nothing to do but set up our deck chairs to watch the celebratory SURGE parades traveling down the Main Streets of America. Read more on The Surge is Done!…
 

Your Job’s Your Credit

* Can someone please pay attention to Joe Lieberman for five minutes so he stops threatening to switch parties again? [Political Animal] * If you watch closely, you can see George Allen’s lost destiny flash in front of him. [CBN] * One surge, two surge, three surge, more! [MoJo] * Send Dennis Kucinich some money so he can get a real office and stop standing in front of that “typical American workplace” backdrop. [PrezVid] * “Most of America” is with Tom Tancredo on his “nuke Mecca” policy. [Liberal Avenger] * Gingrich is gone ’til November. [Political Insider] * All President Bush needs is the same “good faith” exit cover Wolfowitz got. [Colbert Nation (PDF)] Read more on Your Job’s Your Credit…
 

Happy American Terrorists Attacked the Military Day!

On this day 232 years ago, brave American terrorists fought the military in Taxachusetts. The battles immediately followed the military surge that was supposed to secure the insurgent strongholds of Concord and Lexington. Read more on Happy American Terrorists Attacked the Military Day!…
 

160 Killed In Terrible Massacre

Normal life came to a screeching halt today in America as news of an awful mass murder spread across the nation. Politicians canceled rallies, Congress delayed impeachment proceedings and office workers stopped their usual banal chit-chat about teevee shows or whatever for impassioned if still ill-informed discussions of gun control, violence and the dangers of creative-writing programs. Read more on 160 Killed In Terrible Massacre…
 

The SURGE Is Working!

Remember the SURGE that would finally win the war against whoever it is we’re fighting in Iraq for some unknown reason? Well, it’s a big success — if by “success” you mean U.S. troops are now dying at the fastest rate since the invasion four years ago! Read more on The SURGE Is Working!…
 

Daily Briefing: Circuit’s dead, There’s Something Wrong

* Congressional Democrats look to time machine to stop troop surge. [WP, NYT] * Changing kaleidoscope of “things President Bush could’ve started instead of a war,” moves to alternative fuel technology. [WP, NYT] * Bursting hybrid owners’ bubbles feels good. [USAT] * Sooner or later one of the “softball” questions lobbed up at Rudy Giuliani is going to break a window, then he’ll get all crazy, kicking homeless people and yelling about “America’s Mayor’s foot in their ass.” [NYT] * Sorry Bill Richardson, but it’s about popularity. Just how these things go. [NYT] * Bill Clinton’s tongue has made him rich. [WP] * Rep. Sam Johnson is the House’s Walnuts, Syria nuking jokes and all. [LAT] * Iraqi embassy rebuilt with less “blood, sweat and tears” than, well, you know. [WP] Read more on Daily Briefing: Circuit’s dead, There’s Something Wrong…
 

Rumors On The Internets: Then You Don’t Go Killing All The Bees

* New JFK assassination film released only 45 years after the Powers That Be killed him. It’s great how the “amateur photographer” got establishing shots of the Texas School Book Depository and the sixth-floor windows before the murder. [Raw Story] * The teevee causes “cancer, autism, dementia” and other problems, no matter what you watch. PBS probably causes AIDS. [Scotsman] * Seriously, watching the teevee will kill you, and then your corpse will sit there for a year or so. [IHT] * Texas congressman Sam Johnson (R-Schizophrenic) was all for withholding U.S. military funding in Bosnia because “the president has tied our hands, gone against the wishes of the American people, and this is the last best way I know how to show my respect for our American servicemen and women.” Obviously, he loves the Iraq Surge today. [Reason Hit & Run] * U.S. spies reading, laughing at your e-mail. [Cryptogon] * This little fascist Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Cunt) wants all your Internet traffic and searches and IMs and emails recorded forever and provided to the government, even though Google already does that. {Security Focus] * WALNUTS! McCain kicks Rummy when he’s down. [CNN] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: Then You Don’t Go Killing All The Bees…
 

Iraq War Caused by Saddam Dissing USA

The Senate’s pro-SURGE forces brought some awesome new ideas to the debate on Friday, but none was as powerful as the new reason for the Iraq War provided by the honorable Jeff Sessions (R-Cracker) — we had to invade and occupy because Saddam Hussein kept sayin’ he won the 1991 Gulf War! Read more on Iraq War Caused by Saddam Dissing USA…
 

Traitorous Hippies Pass Anti-American Resolution

The House passed the Iraq resolution! And they managed it before we finished working (though not before we started drinking)! Good for them! The final vote: 246 to 182 with two Dems voting against one, 17 Republicans voting for it, and one member dead. Read more on Traitorous Hippies Pass Anti-American Resolution…
 

Daily Briefing: No Class

* House Iraq wrist-slap resolution day is today. Thanks to Harry Reid, Senate will be voting tomorrow while you drink. [WP, WP, NYT] * The, “and then what” part of the resolution still escapes Democrats. [LAT] * Other troop surge, in that other war, couldn’t get a Senate vote on a Wednesday if they promised a bowl of navy bean soup for showing up. [WP, NYT] * Shady dealings of Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons still lack hookers. [WP, NYT] * Condoleezza Rice was this close to a Palestinian-Israeli peace deal. [USAT] * Start stockpiling water and granola bars now – the “Y2K7DSTFU” is upon us! [WSJ] * The blood-thirsty congress-murdering rhetoric of Abraham Lincoln. [WP] Read more on Daily Briefing: No Class…