McCain Economic ‘Surge’ Would Add Thousands Of Troops To Aid War On Economy
Friday, August 8th, 2008
A leaked McCain campaign memo outlines the Republican candidate’s bold plan for the American economy. It goes something like this: WAR WAR WAR WAR TAXCUTS WAR. Applying some valuable lessons from our adventure in Iraq, the McCain economic “surge” will ferret out the last weakened remnants of the American economy and wage a bitter street-by-street countereconomic strategy until, in the end, we will be able to hand over stewardship of a penniless nation to our grateful children and grandchildren. MORE »
A leaked McCain campaign memo outlines the Republican candidate’s bold plan for the American economy. It goes something like this: WAR WAR WAR WAR TAXCUTS WAR. Applying some valuable lessons from our adventure in Iraq, the McCain economic “surge” will ferret out the last weakened remnants of the American economy and wage a bitter street-by-street countereconomic strategy until, in the end, we will be able to hand over stewardship of a penniless nation to our grateful children and grandchildren. MORE »
Robot slaves may be the foot soldiers in John McCain’s thousand-year surge, if expert predictions prove true. Scientists in the field of artificial intelligence see a time in the not-so-distant future when robots will be able to kill on command without any human intervention. This intriguing development could leave the United States to wage robot wars across the planet with other countries’ robots, making war into a sort of healthy and ultimately deathless exercise, except for the robot slaves who will perish horribly in flames. Scientific proof after the jump. 
Oh right, so the President’s Iraq talk. We were at a party, we did not actually watch it, but we read the transcript. Or at least the Washington Post’s summary of the transcript. The first couple paragraphs, anyway. It’s all pretty confusing! 
Iraqi insurgents nearly killed three Republican senators and a Democrat from the House, for good measure, as the Americans attempted to flee Iraq on Thursday. GOP senators Richard Shelby, James Inhofe, Mel Martinez and Alabama Representative “Robert” E. “Bud” Cramer were finishing their vacation in Baghdad when missiles and rocket-propelled grenades were fired at their C-130 cargo plane. 
So we’ve been thinking Spring Break ‘08 is def. def. def. Korea, but what about ‘09? Where can we go with sand, sun, and an indefinite US military commitment? Why, Iraq, of course! Looks like Spring Break is saved, thanks to the Pentagon — again! 
We’ve successfully surged the hell out of Iraq, and now we just have to sit back and watch the freedom roll in. 
On this day 
Normal life came to a screeching halt today in America as news of an awful mass murder spread across the nation. Politicians canceled rallies, Congress delayed impeachment proceedings and office workers stopped their usual banal chit-chat about teevee shows or whatever for impassioned if still ill-informed discussions of gun control, violence and the dangers of creative-writing programs. 