Tag Archives: supreme court

  Today In Theocracy

Bryan Fischer To Save America From Satan Statues With Special Jesus Constitution

Like Gamera, Baphomet is the friend of children everywhere
The merry Establishment Clause tricksters of the Satanic Temple held a big unveiling of their 1-ton statue of Baphomet over the weekend. Because they’re still waiting on a permit to place it next to the Ten Commandments monument at Oklahoma’s Capitol building — a monument that may be coming down anyway — the unveiling was held at the Satanic Temple’s chapter in Detroit. Not surprisingly, American Family Association radio guy Bryan Fischer is plenty angry about it, and would like you all to know that if we followed the REAL Constitution of the United States, none of this would be allowed, because the Founders only meant the First Amendment to apply to Christians. Read more on Bryan Fischer To Save America From Satan Statues With Special Jesus Constitution…
  Sad stories

Fox News Lady Idiots Sick Of Being Tyrannied By Minorities All The Time

Boom, right?
If it is a day, you can be certain that there is a really stupid discussion happening on the Fox News network. Sometimes it is about Sharks Is Confusing, sometimes it’s about how it’s NO FAIR that some people get to say the N-word and others don’t. This time it happened on the “Outnumbered” program, and revolved around this story, of a redneck Missouri sheriff who just can’t understand why anybody would be offended by him sticking “In God We Trust” decals all over police cars, or how that’s kind of a separation of church and state issue. Read more on Fox News Lady Idiots Sick Of Being Tyrannied By Minorities All The Time…
  Rebello With A Really Stupid Cause

Seattle Straight Pride Parade Goes Off Without Hitch, Paraders

Dumb is the loneliest number
This just in: Seattle’s straight community has been so completely bullied into silence by The Gays (and maybe their close allies, Creeping Sharia) that a big Heterosexual Pride Parade announced for this weekend drew a very dissatisfying number of marchers. We mean disappointing even in comparison to that huge demonstration by Ex-Gays in Washington DC a couple years back, which instead of tens of thousands, had under a dozen people show up, plus some press. What we mean is, actually, ONE GUY, the organizer, a gent named Anthony Rebello, showed up and paraded on Capitol Hill on Saturday. Read more on Seattle Straight Pride Parade Goes Off Without Hitch, Paraders…
  God is so forgetful

Pat Robertson Reminds God To Murder Supreme Court

Viewers ask the darnedest questions!
It’s time for another edition of viewer questions with Pat Robertson, which are sent by totally real viewers who exist, to Pat Robertson, so that his wisdom may be bestowed upon them. Whatcha curious about, “Eugene”? Oh, just how the Supreme Court that throatcrammed America with abortion was full of Republicans, who voted to kill all the unborned fetuses, and how did that silly forgetful Lord of ours not murder those justices and send them to hell? Read more on Pat Robertson Reminds God To Murder Supreme Court…
  Don't vote for him if you like living

Jeb Bush Will Murder Medicare And Your Mee-Maw

Why do nobody think I smarts?
Are you an Old? If so, then this post is not for you, because Jeb Bush doesn’t want to murder your Medicare. But are you a card-carrying member of the Future Olds Of America club? US TOO! Do you want to have healthcare during that time right before you cross the Rainbow Bridge your Golden Years? Well then you don’t want to vote for Jeb Bush, because he wants to murder your Medicare, with fire. Bush was doing one of those campaign events where you suck on the wrinkled penises of the Koch brothers in front of a live audience, and said hey, we should get rid of that thing where the Olds get to go to the doctor and stuff: Read more on Jeb Bush Will Murder Medicare And Your Mee-Maw…
  Since When Is The Supreme Court Supreme?

Rachel Maddow Uses Tiny Words To Teach Rick Santorum How America Works

Rachel has the best WTF face
Not that he’s desperate or anything, but Rick Santorum chose a pretty weird place for an interview. He sat down with Rachel Maddow for a chat Wednesday, far away from the comfortably familiar Idiot Crew at Fox News. We guess he wanted to show that he could hold his own against the Liberal Media’s most prominent nerd or something. They exchanged compliments: Maddow thinks he’s one of the best communicators in the Republican field, especially with a live crowd, and Santorum respects that she’s tough but sticks to policy, not personal attacks. And despite her generous suggestion to brainstorm some ways of picking a fight with Donald Trump so he can raise his profile enough to get into the first GOP debate in August, Santorum politely declined the offer. Heck, he could try calling Trump an asshole. Noting that he’d run a close second to Mitt Romney in the 2012 primaries, Maddow asked Santorum why all that support has evaporated. Santorum’s answer: it’s early yet, they’ll all come back, you’ll see. (Fun fact: That’s not the real answer. The real answer is that he benefited from being the least freakish — barely — of the anyone-but-Mitt candidates.) Read more on Rachel Maddow Uses Tiny Words To Teach Rick Santorum How America Works…
  Kittens Not Included :(

Sandra Bland Arrest Video Explains Nothing About Her Death, Everything About Dick Texas Cop

Are you done now?
Sandra Bland was pulled over in Texas for a traffic violation, arrested for allegedly assaulting a state trooper, and three days later, found dead in her jail cell. An autopsy ruled her death a suicide, but her friends and family don’t believe that, and there have been too many mysterious deaths of black people at the hands of police for this not to look suspicious. And now that Texas officials have released the dashcam video of Bland’s arrest, absolutely nothing is settled. Read more on Sandra Bland Arrest Video Explains Nothing About Her Death, Everything About Dick Texas Cop…
  When will the gay terrors cease?

Dead Breitbart Real Upset How Gay Rainbow Flag Murdered Those Marines In Chattanooga

The threat is real.
Ever since June 26, the day which will live in infamy, when the Supreme Court gave America the right gay throatcramming she deserved, wingnuts have been observed in various states of utter, pants-shitting meltdown. And much of it, against the backdrop of the death of the Confederate flag, has centered on the gay rainbow, and how it is lynching the good American Christians, and how the White House did a 9/11 to the world when it was lit up in rainbow colors. Truly we are living in tragic days. Read more on Dead Breitbart Real Upset How Gay Rainbow Flag Murdered Those Marines In Chattanooga…
  fear of a black president

Barack Obama Hacking Your Puters To Steal All The White People Money

He's coming to take all your money, white man!
What racism is Orkoiyot Barack Hussein Wright Sharpton Obama perpetrating on the innocent white people of America now? Oh not much, just building out giant databases full of racial information to more easily facilitate wealth transfers from whites to blacks. Hey, you know who else wanted a database full of information on citizens so he could steal all their wealth? Read more on Barack Obama Hacking Your Puters To Steal All The White People Money…
  bad analogies

NOM Spokesbigot Says It’s Bad For Teachers To Secretly Gas Jews, Be Lesbians

Not qualified to be a teacher.
The National Organization For Marriage (NOM nom nom), you know them, right? Hilariously failed organization that for some reason still exists, even though the Supreme Court crammed gay marriage right up all American bottoms at the end of June, despite all the Hail Mary passes wingnuts tried to throw? Well, apparently NOM’s staff isn’t quite ready to start filling out job applications, probably because they’re not qualified for anything outside the bigot field, so they are still raising money and talking about things. Read more on NOM Spokesbigot Says It’s Bad For Teachers To Secretly Gas Jews, Be Lesbians…
  Take that flag and shove it

Butthurt Missouri County Decides To Stop Being Butthurt, For The Troops

America
Was it really only breakfast o’clock when we told you about these idiot commissioners in Podunksberg, Missouri, who unanimously voted to lower their flag for an entire fucking year to mourn the end of one-dude-on-one-chick-only marriage as we know it? Yup. But the arc of the moral universe, sometimes it’s a speedy motherfucker, and look, it has already bent these schmucks over and grabbed them by the ankles: Read more on Butthurt Missouri County Decides To Stop Being Butthurt, For The Troops…
  In Which We Fact-Check A Sermon

Fox’s Todd Starnes Will Save America With Smoked Pork Butt, Just Like Jesus

Secret admirer, secret admirer!
Fox News anchor, still-living Christian martyr, and legendary urine-drinker Todd Starnes treated the congregation of Abilene Baptist Church in Augusta, Georgia, to one beautiful “sermon” Sunday, with lots of terrifying examples of just how bad Christians have it in America today. Never mind that it was less a sermon than a collection of half-true stories from his dumb book God Less America — Starnes talked about the imminent government crackdown on faith, and that was all he needed to accomplish. Read more on Fox’s Todd Starnes Will Save America With Smoked Pork Butt, Just Like Jesus…
  And he DEFINITELY was not a vegan

Wingnut Fox Pastor: Jesus Wasn’t Some Mexican-Loving, Sunflower Seed-Munching Pussy

Saved by the blood of Tough Guy Jesus.
Sunday’s “Fox & Friends” featured a discussion on illegal immigration (something new and different), and the focus was on churches doing that whole bleeding heart “when I was hungry, you fed me” thing with illegals, as opposed to immediately calling authorities and turning in those damn Messican aliens. And because the network is Fair And Balanced, it called two extremely conservative wingnuts to debate the issue, Dr. Richard Land of the Southern Evangelical Seminary, and Robert Jeffress, pastor of Dallas’s First Baptist megachurch, who’s a real whore when it comes to getting to go on the teevee. Somehow, there was distance between the two, because whereas Land says that when hungry people show up at a church, YOU FEED THEM, Jeffress is pretty sure that Jesus never said anything about feeding the hungry, and besides, he doesn’t want to worship some kind of made-up faggot Jesus like that anyway: Read more on Wingnut Fox Pastor: Jesus Wasn’t Some Mexican-Loving, Sunflower Seed-Munching Pussy…
  nice time!

Afternoon Nicest Time: The Time Young Handsome Joe Biden Fell In Love With Gay Marriage

evan hurst. just kidding, it's young handsome joe biden!
Old Handsome Joe Biden gives the best speeches ever. They might even be better than Barack Obama’s! Tough call, but at least we can all agree that they’re better than anything that ever slithered out of a Republican’s thin-lipped maw-hole. Thursday night, Vice President Biden spoke at the Freedom To Marry Celebration Of Victory gala in New York, and hoo boy, it was a doozy. For instance, how did Joe Biden stop worrying and learn to love the gay marriages? Well, it was from his Dad Biden, who was obviously very evolved on these issues! Read more on Afternoon Nicest Time: The Time Young Handsome Joe Biden Fell In Love With Gay Marriage…
  Probably because everybody's been death paneled already

Tyrant Obamacare Insuring More Americans Than Ever, Thanks Obama!

This is what Obamacare insurance cards look like, right?
Looking at this new chart from the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, America is starting to resemble a developed nation! In 2013, just before the forcible throat-cramming of quality, affordable healthcare began, 18% of Americans were uninsured. And now that number is down to … this can’t be right. This poll must have a liberal bias. They must have only asked Americans who don’t love America, because it says that the uninsured rate has precipitously dropped in the intervening time, down to 11.4%. Read it and weep, fuckers: Read more on Tyrant Obamacare Insuring More Americans Than Ever, Thanks Obama!…
  Only two things come from Texas

Idiot Texas County Clerk Lady Issues Declaration About How Good She Hates The Gays

hooray
Thank goodness brave Texas bigots haven’t been shuttled off to the rainbow FEMA camps, so they can save the Republic from the santorum-drenched sodomite hordes. Molly Criner, county clerk for Irion County, issued a DECLARATION OF OBEDIENCE TO LAW AND THE DEFENSE OF NATURAL MARRIAGE (her words), and before anyone even had the chance to say boo, the sterling fellows at Liberty Counsel stepped up to the plate to defend her rights to legally break the law. Aw, what a charming little political stunt. Sorry, I mean political stunt. Political stunt! Excuse me, I must have something caught in my throat. Read more on Idiot Texas County Clerk Lady Issues Declaration About How Good She Hates The Gays…