Wonkette

A lot of people think John McCain supports abortion rights and other things many ladies care about, even though he doesn’t support these things. One of those confused people is McCain’s potential lady running-mate Carly Fiorina. On Monday, she said, “There are many health insurance plans that will cover Viagra but won’t cover birth control medication. Those women would like a choice.” But of course John McCain voted twice against legislation that would require insurance companies to cover birth control. Because seriously gals, just keep it in your pants! MORE »

Happy Almost Fourth of July, Patriots! Here is your president George W. Bush mumbling about how the Supreme Court’s ruling on Guantanamo is now the Law of the Land, so he’ll follow it. Clearly, the terrorists have taken the real George Bush and hidden him under the White House bowling alley, leaving this suspicious clone to run out the clock on his presidency. Either that or George Bush is high. WHATEVERS MAN IT IS ALMOST VACATION TIME SO WATCH THIS OR DON’T. [RedLasso]

• D.C. BLOGGER SHOT: Media Consortium reporter Brian Beutler was gunned down in Adams Morgan “pretty much directly in front of Andrew Sullivan’s apartment.” Beutler and a buddy were walking from the Black Cat to The Diner late Tuesday night when two teen-age gangsters tried to mug them, and Beutler was shot at least once. He’s in the hospital, his spleen was removed, and he’s supposed to make a full recovery. Beutler’s been reporting on U.S. torture and the ongoing FISA outrage. [DCist/Reason/Gawker]

They’ve been talking about it for a while, but the ACTIVIST judges of the Supreme Court today struck down Washington, D.C.’s ban on handgun ownership, voting along Ideological Lines. Hooray! Because we all have guns, and now we don’t have to hide them under our pillows with the safety off anymore, which was not safe in the first place. Justice Antonin Scalia’s majority opinion went along the lines of: “If a bunch of blacks in Anacostia shoot each other, how the hell does that affect me, Tony Scalez?” [Washington Post]

Talk about guilt by association! Mouse over the name of a convicted child rapist and what pops up? The photo of America’s favorite drunken uncle, Ted Kennedy, who was never once convicted of such a crime. FOR SHAME, YAHOO, HE HAS CANCER AND EVERYTHING. Thanks to Wonkette Mouseover Outrage Operative “Bobby” for bringing this grave injustice to our attention. [AP via Yahoo]

California’s Supreme Court just overturned the “gay marriage isn’t legal” thing, and that means the gayest state in America is about to become even more gay, as California will become the second state where homosexuals can get married, to each other. (The other state is Texas.) [MSNBC]

June 7 marks the 43rd anniversary of the best Supreme Court decision ever — even better than the “abortions for all!” one — of Griswold v. Connecticut, which ensured people could have sex all the time and not have to worry about babies. Now the American Life League is launching this hilarious campaign to protest the decision, claiming that The Pill causes you to lose all your babies. That’s the best part though! After the jump, a stupid video they made that is supposed to appeal to the Young Folks. MORE »

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia would like all you Sad Sallies who are still sore over the 2000 election (which he personally decided, on a bet) to hike up your panties and get over it. “That was like so ten minutes ago,” he tells 60 Minutes‘ Leslie Stahl in an interview to be aired this weekend. Scalia explains that he is great friends with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and other known liberals whom he has had the graciousness not to murder or even jail in their many years on the Supreme Court. And then he lets loose with a shocking revelation! MORE »

Just in time for the November coup by poorly-aging gimp-DILF John McCain, the free states of America are planning to unman our households and militias. Now that Charlton Heston is safely packed in his coffin with a dozen darling rifles, 38 states want to take away our sidearms—those wonderful death-sticks that have for years consoled our bitterness regarding our poverty. (Me, I take my gun to church. Next they will take our nativity scenes and our child brides. Later flesh-coated robots will come and intercourse with our children in the public-private schools.) This initiative is led on numerous fronts: Tiny wonderful oligarch Jew Michael Bloomberg in New York is bullying all of America’s wuss-mayors; and also the extremely liberal Supreme Court is, in D.C. v. Heller, quite possibly planning on taking guns away from D.C. residents, which is exactly where America needs its guns most. You see the larger picture here: we will be defenseless against the bolt-necked army of Cindy McCains. [New York Times]

America’s quietest Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas has boldly endured two solid years of never saying anything, ever, in oral arguments, and is now entering the third year of his quest. The last time he spoke was in a death penalty case on February 22, 2006. Since then, Cocktobers have come and gone; nations have risen and fallen. So what has this man been doing with all that time he isn’t wasting on the ol’ blah blah blah? MORE »