Tag Archives: superheroes

  yummy!

Lame California Hippies Don’t Want Industrial Waste In One Glass Of Water They Have Left

A little arsenic never killed anybody, oh wait it did?
  California has no water, basically, because of liberal lies like “climate change” and “a bad drought.” Or maybe there is no water because nature-worshippers stole all of it, to give it to fish. WHATEVER happened, there’s not much left, and now some liberal hippie environment lovers have filed a lawsuit to say “Hey, oil companies, could you stop literally shitting all your toxic waste into our water, of which we have none?” Read more on Lame California Hippies Don’t Want Industrial Waste In One Glass Of Water They Have Left…
  and humble too

Romney Website: Mitt Romney Just Cold Saving People’s Lives Right And Left

Did you know Mitt Romney once saved a 14-year-old girl’s LIFE? He did that by going to look for her after she disappeared. Even though he did not actually find her. And she was just sleeping off an Ecstasy binge. But no, Mitt Romney is like Ryan Gosling times Morrissey plus Superman minus Kryptonite. Mitt Romney can’t help saving people’s lives. He just does it. Like one time he and his family saw a boat take on water and they didn’t even leave the people to drown! MittRomney.com, through the offices of Hottest Conservative Blogger John Hawkins, would like you to remember that! MITT ROMNEY IS A LIVING SAINT. Read more on Romney Website: Mitt Romney Just Cold Saving People’s Lives Right And Left…
  flotus files

Glenn Beck Does Not Like Michelle Obama’s Biracial Spider-Man

There is plenty of Insanity happening out there already to support the idea that maybe this country is getting close to arriving at the End Times, but just in case anyone was still holding onto some “Hope,” last week we received absolute confirmation that everything will be horrible forever, and Barack Obama will continue to punish everyone with Sharia law for years and years after he wins the future with his favorite campaign song, “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, Screw you people.” This confirmation has nothing to do with the debt ceiling or America’s credit rating or Barack Obama’s alleged 50th birthday. No, it is actually this: Last week, in a comic book, the Ultimate Spider-Man took off his mask and revealed that he is some sort of biracial teenager. Oh, and that is not the scariest part! The real horror is that Michelle Obama has been planning this comic book race war all along, and her health food thing was merely a distraction. How could we have been so blind? Read more on Glenn Beck Does Not Like Michelle Obama’s Biracial Spider-Man…
  flotus files

SuperMichelle’s White House is Your Hot New Performance Arts Space

Michelle Obama is so bored right now. Last week, she completely eradicated obesity, forever, and now there’s nothing to do but hide out in the East Wing, where she doesn’t have to hear the constant whine of the Garden State soundtrack coming from Emo Obama’s side of the house. But our FLOTUS is not one to sit around waiting for action to come to her, so instead of taking up knitting or Zumba classes to pass her remaining time as First Lady, our FLOTUS has decided to begin her next mission as our Great Nation’s newest superhero. And her first order of superhero business is to turn the boring old White House into the world’s largest poetry slam venue. Read more on SuperMichelle’s White House is Your Hot New Performance Arts Space…
  superheroes

Rahm Emanuel Saves Another Life

Everybody thought Rahm Emanuel was going to be such a hard-ass mobster for Barack Obama, but the actual strategy seems to involve Rahm personally saving people all over Washington every day, until everybody in town literally owes their life to Rahm. The superhero chief of staff saved a congressman yesterday, and not just any congressman, either — Emanuel saved the Republican now representing Tom DeLay’s old district! Read more on Rahm Emanuel Saves Another Life…
 

Bush Commutes Captain America’s Sentence

The official story was that Captain America, Nazi-fighting comic hero and symbol of America’s love of primary colors and muscle definition, had been killed by an unidentified sniper — though rumors circulated that he’d shot himself in disgrace after realizing the extent of the crimes of those he’d so publicly cozied up with. The sad truth came more than a month later. Read more on Bush Commutes Captain America’s Sentence…
 

Walnuts Proposes International Team of Superheroes Will End Iraq War

Everyone know the UN has failed to solve all those wars and shit it was supposed to solve. This is because it was created and run by pussies. John McCain has a better idea: a thing that’s like the UN but started by a totally tough badass. And instead of like Finland and Sweden and shit it’ll have the USA and, uh… the Green Lantern. Read more on Walnuts Proposes International Team of Superheroes Will End Iraq War…
 

Comic Book Version of America Dies, Too

Having decided that’s it’s just not funny anymore to have a heroic character called “Captain America,” Marvel Comics has killed off the famed comic-book “super soldier.” Created in the 1940s as a cartoon foe of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, the Captain has had some hard times. Nobody loves America and we aren’t exactly winning wars these days. Read the whole sad story, after the jump. Read more on Comic Book Version of America Dies, Too…