Our inevitable president is on the teevee! She won New York, that state where she currently “lives.” (She did not win Arkansas, but not Illinois — some of the other states where she “lived.”) Nonetheless, she will bring us a land of opportunity, on the late shift! With the crying baby! She knows what it’s like to hear about people who are so poor and actually don’t even vote because …. let’s go to the video.

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CBS News’ delightful Jeff Greenfield — well, he’s not so delightful anymore, according to Ice Queen Katie Couric. His phone went off IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TEEVEE. Katie Couric yells at him, then realizes yelling would make her less pretty. So then she giggles. It’s America’s anchor and her nutty sidekick, on America’s most famous network!

BREAKING: JOHN McCAIN ACTUALLY WON ARIZONA: Considering how all the Arizona Republicans hate his shamnesty guts, it’s kind of a big deal that Walnuts won his “home” “state.” At least he did really badly, as far as winning. He only got a third of the “conservative” vote, while Mitt took 47%.

Mike Huckabee, elected permanent dictator of three Southern states, has already spoken. Now Mitt Romney is talking about how screwed we are. What more delights await? MORE »

*PROJECTIONS:* MSNBC calls Connecticut for Obama. That’s big! It was one of those states that could have gone anywhere for anyone. But now it will never go to Hillary Clinton. Cry baby! Go cry somewhere, baby!

He’s saying some loser shit. A loser liveblog, after the loser jump. MORE »

*PROJECTIONS:* Obama — Utah; Huckabee — Albama; Various Candidates — Other states we missed

He was our CEO business-smart Olympian. Also, everyone hated him. And now, GOP fading star Mitt Romney is smiling through his robot tears.

He looks about the same as always, although his eyes are sinking deeper into his android metal tan skull. He would’ve been an awesome president … of the Scientologists in French Outer Space! Let’s see if Mitt’s many kids will live in the America he bought that one time! MORE »

So many new states are about to pick their own special presidents! Let’s see who will be projected to punch Wolf Blitzer in his “beard.” It’s Arizona, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Minnesota … so many states, so much election projection business! MORE »

*PROJECTIONS:* Clinton — New Jersey (haha, Barack’s a loser!); Obama — Alabama (BLACK)

Hillary Clinton lost Georgia, 60% to 37%. How does the crazy lady explain this? Answer: “Fuck Georgia.” Official talking points after the jump! MORE »