So. Ron Paul wins nothing, ever. Fortunately — according to our dear friends at Ron Paul Forums — every delegate will exercise his or her right to vote for Ron Paul at the convention. MORE »

Mitt Romney is a savvy businessman with executive experience — that’s why he lost nearly every state primary last night to a broken old man and some guy named “Huckabee.” Today, the Mormon heartthrob will be applying his robust analytical skills to deciding whether or not he should blow another $35 million on his doomed campaign. [CNN]

Awesome Tuesday has turned into Hungover Wednesday. As we sit in our easy chairs with comically large ice packs held to our skulls, let’s remember one important thing: however empty-brained and regretful we feel today, we can still take heart that we are smarter than thousands of morons across this great nation. Because as Walnut King John McCain might say, my friends, my friends, the Super Tuesday voting confusion did not end with the states of Texas and Washington. Who are the country’s stupidest voters? Click the clicky and we’ll join you after the jump. MORE »

So much for resolving anything on Super Duper Stupid Tuesday. Chuck Todd is on the MSNBC right now, doing the modern-day Tim Russert act of scribbling on a computer tablet instead of the dry-erase board popularized in the previous century. And guess what? This is all pretty much a grim $100-million stalemate. MORE »

Barry Obama gave the longest speech of his political career tonight, and it was all about the wind in the corn and “who are these boys who have so little?” Watch all 20 minutes and feel your love for Barack F. Kennedy slowly draining away like a whispering Iowa cornfield filled with the hopes and dreams of Americans. YES WE CAN!

Barack’s giving a speech — will it be good or his usual robotic so-so crap? Grandma’s watching in the Africaland, Barry. MORE »

Change is coming! Our time has come! Yes we can! Votes aren’t quite counted! House divided cannot stand! Winston tastes good like a cigarette should! Began as a whisper! Corn fields of Iowa! Teachers, cooks, hills of Nevada! Voices of the American People! Maybe we don’t have to be divided by the race and the gender! Crumbling schools! Not this time! Yes we can! Stakes Too High! Washington Players! MORE »

McCain is back! Or, “Mac is back.” He speaks now to tell you he will never forget how you all pretty much abandoned him last year, and only grudgingly came back to support him when the other candidates all flamed out so terribly. Also, why does McCain always thank “my children who could not be here”? How many children does he have? MORE »

*PROHJECKSHINSSS:* It is at least 7:44 a.m., in the morning, right now, and we’re still typing about politics. Why, Mormon Jesus? Why??!? WONKETTE ANGRRRY. Oh yes, the point of this post: Hillary wins Missouri! That was a close one between her and Barry, because… fuck them both. [The Page]

Since dropping out of the presidential race, Bill Richardson has joined the Wobblies and hit the road with his bindle and harmonica. See him talking through his fashionable hobo beard, after the jump! MORE »

Hello friends of the West! Our polls just closed. It’s time to hear Chris Matthews and Wolf Blitzer tell us about our new presidents of the Bear Republic of California. WHO WILL WIN???? Let’s do the liveblogging, if Hillary will ever shut up over in New York City. Obama has Alabama, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Utah, Illinois, etc. Hillary got Tennessee, New Jersey, New York, etc., who cares, it’s Californication Time! MORE »