Tag Archives: super tuesday

 

Romney Possibly Rethinking This Whole Thing

Mitt Romney is a savvy businessman with executive experience — that’s why he lost nearly every state primary last night to a broken old man and some guy named “Huckabee.” Today, the Mormon heartthrob will be applying his robust analytical skills to deciding whether or not he should blow another $35 million on his doomed campaign. [CNN] Read more on Romney Possibly Rethinking This Whole Thing…
 

Our National Voting Shame: Nobody Knows When To Do This Crap

Awesome Tuesday has turned into Hungover Wednesday. As we sit in our easy chairs with comically large ice packs held to our skulls, let’s remember one important thing: however empty-brained and regretful we feel today, we can still take heart that we are smarter than thousands of morons across this great nation. Because as Walnut King John McCain might say, my friends, my friends, the Super Tuesday voting confusion did not end with the states of Texas and Washington. Who are the country’s stupidest voters? Click the clicky and we’ll join you after the jump. Read more on Our National Voting Shame: Nobody Knows When To Do This Crap…
 

The Latest Delegate Projections: Obama 841, Clinton 837

So much for resolving anything on Super Duper Stupid Tuesday. Chuck Todd is on the MSNBC right now, doing the modern-day Tim Russert act of scribbling on a computer tablet instead of the dry-erase board popularized in the previous century. And guess what? This is all pretty much a grim $100-million stalemate. Read more on The Latest Delegate Projections: Obama 841, Clinton 837…
 

Empires Rise, Fall And Still Obama Speaks

newVideoPlayer("barryosuper_wonkette.flv", 463, 387,"");Barry Obama gave the longest speech of his political career tonight, and it was all about the wind in the corn and “who are these boys who have so little?” Watch all 20 minutes and feel your love for Barack F. Kennedy slowly draining away like a whispering Iowa cornfield filled with the hopes and dreams of Americans. YES WE CAN! Read more on Empires Rise, Fall And Still Obama Speaks…
 

Barry’s Giving A, You Know, Very OK Speech!

Barack’s giving a speech — will it be good or his usual robotic so-so crap? Grandma’s watching in the Africaland, Barry. 11:44 — “The girls are with us tonight,” and they are… nevermind. 11:45 — Sorry that people are dying again in Arkansas or… some shit… BACK TO ME, SWEET SWEET ME! 11:46 — They are still counting votes, but there is one thing that matters: We won! -ish! 11:46 — Change: A++++++++++++++++ 11:47 — Red states, blue states, I wanna new state, purple state, red state, blue state Hope! 11:47 — Farmers “stood up and said” various things about changing other things, one time, in Illinois. 11:47 — “Maybe this year, we can do sump’m ’bout mortgages.” The crowd goes wild. 11:47 — Black children and white children are equal in South Carolina — this is the dream I will make a reality! 11:49 — This speech is… worse… than the last one, in South Carolina. Maybe everybody’s tired, Barry the most? Oh silly me: Change never sleeps. 11:50 — “Nothing changes because politicians just write another check.” Barry, it’s 11:50 p.m. — who gives a shit about the lobbyists? 11:52 — Hillary’s cool, she’s cool. But that’s exactly why I will lose: She’s too cool… 11:53 — … with Lobbyists! 11:54 — … and with Iran! 11:55 — … and with, generally speaking, being a cunt! 11:55 — Jobs overseas — no to that! 11:56 — Old people — let them retire with RESPECT! What the hell does that mean? They have Florida, they can respect themselves down there. 11:57 — Energy, Clean. 11:57 — 11, 9/. 11:58 — Genocide, Hillary. 11:58 — WE CAN DO IT ALL BABY — IT’S DOUBLE ‘R NOTHING, HOUSE RULES, WE WILL WIN EVERYTHING AND I WANT YOU TO PLEASE SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT UP XOXOXOXOXO. 11:58 — Oh, I’m afraid and cynical. Fuck you, Barry. Why do you have to say I’m cynical for thinking speeches like these are complete crap? Get a job. 11:59 — The South Side, that’s where he learned to run the United States of America. 12:00 — You put out flyers did you, Barry? +1 towards fixing health care. 12:00 — (Hillary sucks too, it’s OK, Barry). 12:01 — Every extra minute, I want to vote an extra minute for Gravel or some shit. 12:03 — Clinton, Clinton, Clinton! 12:03 — DO YOU HEAR THAT? WE ARE LIKING HILLARY CLINTON BETTER NOW, FOR NOW, AT LEAST. 12:03 — Shut shut shut, shut shut shut, shut yer goddamn mouth. (Sang to “Jingle Bells”) 12:04 — Yes we can! Go to bed at some point because you stopped! Read more on Barry’s Giving A, You Know, Very OK Speech!…
 

Obama’s Super Tuesday Super Speech!

Change is coming! Our time has come! Yes we can! Votes aren’t quite counted! House divided cannot stand! Winston tastes good like a cigarette should! Began as a whisper! Corn fields of Iowa! Teachers, cooks, hills of Nevada! Voices of the American People! Maybe we don’t have to be divided by the race and the gender! Crumbling schools! Not this time! Yes we can! Stakes Too High! Washington Players! Read more on Obama’s Super Tuesday Super Speech!…
 

John McCain Wants You To Get Used To The Idea That He’s The Nominee

McCain is back! Or, “Mac is back.” He speaks now to tell you he will never forget how you all pretty much abandoned him last year, and only grudgingly came back to support him when the other candidates all flamed out so terribly. Also, why does McCain always thank “my children who could not be here”? How many children does he have? Read more on John McCain Wants You To Get Used To The Idea That He’s The Nominee…
 

*PROHJECKSHINSSS:* It is at least 7:44 a.m., in the morning, right now, and we’re still typing about politics. Why, Mormon Jesus? Why??!? WONKETTE ANGRRRY. Oh yes, the point of this post: Hillary wins Missouri! That was a close one between her and Barry, because… fuck them both. [The Page] Read more on …
 

Will Make Political Commentaries For Food

Since dropping out of the presidential race, Bill Richardson has joined the Wobblies and hit the road with his bindle and harmonica. See him talking through his fashionable hobo beard, after the jump! Read more on Will Make Political Commentaries For Food…
 

California Liveblogging: No Sleep ‘Til Guam!

Hello friends of the West! Our polls just closed. It’s time to hear Chris Matthews and Wolf Blitzer tell us about our new presidents of the Bear Republic of California. WHO WILL WIN???? Let’s do the liveblogging, if Hillary will ever shut up over in New York City. Obama has Alabama, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Utah, Illinois, etc. Hillary got Tennessee, New Jersey, New York, etc., who cares, it’s Californication Time! Read more on California Liveblogging: No Sleep ‘Til Guam!…
 

Hillary Speaks! (So She Can Go To Bed)

newVideoPlayer("hillarysuper_wonkette.flv", 463, 387,"");Our inevitable president is on the teevee! She won New York, that state where she currently “lives.” (She did not win Arkansas, but not Illinois — some of the other states where she “lived.”) Nonetheless, she will bring us a land of opportunity, on the late shift! With the crying baby! She knows what it’s like to hear about people who are so poor and actually don’t even vote because …. let’s go to the video. Read more on Hillary Speaks! (So She Can Go To Bed)…
 

Cell Phone Strife At CBS!!

newVideoPlayer("jeffcellphone_wonkette.flv", 463, 387,"");CBS News’ delightful Jeff Greenfield — well, he’s not so delightful anymore, according to Ice Queen Katie Couric. His phone went off IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TEEVEE. Katie Couric yells at him, then realizes yelling would make her less pretty. So then she giggles. It’s America’s anchor and her nutty sidekick, on America’s most famous network! Read more on Cell Phone Strife At CBS!!…
 

BREAKING: JOHN McCAIN ACTUALLY WON ARIZONA: Considering how all the Arizona Republicans hate his shamnesty guts, it’s kind of a big deal that Walnuts won his “home” “state.” At least he did really badly, as far as winning. He only got a third of the “conservative” vote, while Mitt took 47%. Read more on …
 

Liveblogging The Loser Speech Spectacular!

Mike Huckabee, elected permanent dictator of three Southern states, has already spoken. Now Mitt Romney is talking about how screwed we are. What more delights await? 10:39: The Washington, it is broken. Romney’s supporters are trying to chant along “They haven’t,” and it is the whitest chant ever. 10:39: Ann Romney looks like she is smelling something terrible. 10:40: Well, that was fast. We have learned that America is the hope of the earth, and there are a whole bunch of things “they haven’t” done in Washington. 10:41: Annddd…Georgia to Huckabee, beating McCain by a hair. That Huckabee is going to be the best Vice President ever. 10:42: Oh fuck it’s that Barbour guy again, hounding your editor from station to station and trying to lull her to sleep. Back off, mesmerizing Southerner! 10:44: Barbour doesn’t like people staying in the race as long as people are voting for them. That’s just not the American way! 10:44: Wait, the Republicans do NOT have a wigwam? Has anybody told Mike Duncan? 10:47: Chris Matthews talks about Republican pundits “supporting orally” certain candidates over others. 10:49: Millerman, you’ve got to focus. There is a goddamn TORNADO in Tennessee and you are wondering if the editor is hot. 10:50: Hills in another lucky yellow jacket. It appears to work for her. It’s got a nice slightly 70s Diane Keaton vibe, if Diane Keaton could tear your balls off with her mind. 10:52: Ah, people on the late shift with the crying baby. Babies are such a pain in the ass to work with, always crying. 10:53: Don’t forget about American Samoa! Never forget! 10:53: Our thoughts and prayers go out to the dead people in Arkansas and Tennesee, as long as they voted before they perished. 10:54: Cannot…take eyes…off Hillary supporter wearing a scarf of little furry spheres. 10:55: Can we just strangle the “green-collar jobs” in their cribs? What a horrible term. 10:56: So weird when the speaker talks about something objectionable and people boo in support. 10:56: “I won’t let anyone Swift Boat this country’s future. Only my candidacy and the Democratic party!” 10:59: California polls closing…Idaho polls closing…eyes closing…Oh wait not for another hour? Fuckety fuck. 10:50: Thanks to Dorothy Rodham, the most beleaguered mother in America. 11:00: Looking at an empty armchair is more entertaining than watching Hillary Clinton give a speech. Read more on Liveblogging The Loser Speech Spectacular!…
 

*PROJECTIONS:* MSNBC calls Connecticut for Obama. That’s big! It was one of those states that could have gone anywhere for anyone. But now it will never go to Hillary Clinton. Cry baby! Go cry somewhere, baby! Read more on …
 

Mike Huckabee’s Making the Speeches

He’s saying some loser shit. A loser liveblog, after the loser jump. 10:08 — It’s a two-man race: me, and heathens. 10:10 — When I’m president, the IRS and the Fair Tax will be gone, because I did not abandon those ideas when I became a major national candidate. 10:11 — I will “undergird” your “children.” One of those is a real word, and both involve molestation. 10:12 — Before I forget: fuck Mexico, and its humans. 10:12 — The conservatives, have a choice, and a voice, and it’s Ronald Reagan. 10:13 — Describes himself as an “old Razorback.” Several times. With “bulldog fever.” So he doesn’t shave his back, but he’s drinking a bulldog milkshake. 10:13 — This is a national candidate for president, Mike Huckabee. 10:14 — This is our election, not theirs. “This is our presidency, not theirs.” The pundits, he means. He is robbing the presidency from the pundits. 10:14 — Is Ron Paul more or less sane than this guy? 10:14 — Elections tear apart our party. But our ultimate purpose is to rape bulldogs, not shave our backs, abolish the IRS, and KILL THE JEWS MITTARY CLINTON. 10:16 — Huckabee “never thought I’d see a president within eyesight” when he was young. Has he? 10:17 — 44th Governor of Arkansas, 44th President of the United States. Do the math — he can’t be wrong. Read more on Mike Huckabee’s Making the Speeches…
 

*PROJECTIONS:* Obama — Utah; Huckabee — Albama; Various Candidates — Other states we missed
 

Mitt Romney Will Be CEO Of Probably Nothing

He was our CEO business-smart Olympian. Also, everyone hated him. And now, GOP fading star Mitt Romney is smiling through his robot tears. He looks about the same as always, although his eyes are sinking deeper into his android metal tan skull. He would’ve been an awesome president … of the Scientologists in French Outer Space! Let’s see if Mitt’s many kids will live in the America he bought that one time! Read more on Mitt Romney Will Be CEO Of Probably Nothing…
 

Liveblogging The Next Thousand Super Tuesday State Results

So many new states are about to pick their own special presidents! Let’s see who will be projected to punch Wolf Blitzer in his “beard.” It’s Arizona, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Minnesota … so many states, so much election projection business! Read more on Liveblogging The Next Thousand Super Tuesday State Results…
 

*PROJECTIONS:* Clinton — New Jersey (haha, Barack’s a loser!); Obama — Alabama (BLACK)
 

How Does Hillary Lose Anything?

Hillary Clinton lost Georgia, 60% to 37%. How does the crazy lady explain this? Answer: “Fuck Georgia.” Official talking points after the jump! GEORGIA * Unlike the Obama campaign, the Clinton campaign never dedicated significant resources to Georgia. * Sen. Obama spent over $500,000 dollars on ads on television and radio; we never went up on TV * The Obama campaign has 9 offices in Georgia. The Clinton campaign only has 2. * Sen. Obama has had staff and significant campaign operation across the state for 8 months. Sen. Clinton only deployed staff to the state in the last couple of weeks. * Polls have consistently showed Sen. Obama with wide lead over Sen Clinton. That lead has only widened over time. Read more on How Does Hillary Lose Anything?…
 

Obama Supporters Only Cheer When They Know They’re On CNN

newVideoPlayer("obama_woah.flv", 463, 387,""); Well, this looks like a sullen Barack Obama rally … until they notice they’re ON THE TEEVEE, some 30 seconds after they’ve been shown to the world as a bunch of tired sadsacks. And this is in Chicago, which is in Illinois, which he won. [CNN] Read more on Obama Supporters Only Cheer When They Know They’re On CNN…