Tag Archives: super tuesday

 

Obama Girl Is Biggest Fraud Since Theory of Evolution

You know that attractive lady, the Obama Girl? Well, like most attractive ladies, she is a complete liar. Obama Girl, nee “Obama Girl,” is a registered voter in New Jersey — where she most certainly didn’t vote for anything yesterday. According to Obama Girl, she was at an “election-watching party in Greenwich Village,” a famous gay community in New York City, and couldn’t get back to her Jersey hellhole in time to vote. Watch out for the pretty ones, Barry — they’ll break your heart every time. [City Room] Read more on Obama Girl Is Biggest Fraud Since Theory of Evolution…
 

‘Magical Inkless Pens’ Help Obama Carry Nothing In Chicago

At a voting precinct in Chicago yesterday, a vote-scanning machine rejected 20 paper ballots that voters had used “magic” invisible ink pens to fill out. Now don’t go shouting DIEBOLD just yet — these ballots were rejected because there is no such thing as a magic invisible ink pen to be used on paper ballots. The pen was just a stylus for touch-screen voting machines, and everyone in that precinct is a retard. Read more on ‘Magical Inkless Pens’ Help Obama Carry Nothing In Chicago…
 

Clinton’s Samoan Triumph

Forget about Barry winning Connecticut or Hillary taking California in yesterday’s primary vote. The real Super Tuesday miracle story happened many millions of miles to the west, in a remote island kingdom called American Samoa. Here “ordinary American Samoans” who will not actually be able to vote in November participated in a Democratic caucus of epic proportions. Clinton took home the prize with an astonishing 163 votes. Stealth candidate Mike Gravel got a vote, though! [AP via KITV] Read more on Clinton’s Samoan Triumph…
 

‘Does Anyone Fear That The Internet Will Be Attempted To Be Taken Away From Us?’

Over at our favorite place on the whole Internet, Ron Paul Forums, they are very worried: “Does anyone fear that the internet will be attempted to be taken away from us because of the “threat” RP and we have posed? Assuming Paul doesn’t become President, the people “in charge” will have to know that we are all fired up and organizing on the internet for the long haul to make sure the Constitutional candidate in 4 years does win.. I fear they will try to take the internet away, somehow, and then it will be back to hitting the streets, which isn’t bad, but you get my point…” Read more on ‘Does Anyone Fear That The Internet Will Be Attempted To Be Taken Away From Us?’…
 

*SO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF LAST NIGHT?:* The Obama camp projects topping Clinton last night by 13 delegates, 847 to 834; NBC News projects Obama will end up with between 840 and 849 delegates, with Clinton between 829 and 838. This means that no one won anything, just that neither “team” lost. That, or something else. [Politico] Read more on …
 

Paultards Preparing Convention Coup

So. Ron Paul wins nothing, ever. Fortunately — according to our dear friends at Ron Paul Forums — every delegate will exercise his or her right to vote for Ron Paul at the convention. Read more on Paultards Preparing Convention Coup…
 

Romney Possibly Rethinking This Whole Thing

Mitt Romney is a savvy businessman with executive experience — that’s why he lost nearly every state primary last night to a broken old man and some guy named “Huckabee.” Today, the Mormon heartthrob will be applying his robust analytical skills to deciding whether or not he should blow another $35 million on his doomed campaign. [CNN] Read more on Romney Possibly Rethinking This Whole Thing…
 

Our National Voting Shame: Nobody Knows When To Do This Crap

Awesome Tuesday has turned into Hungover Wednesday. As we sit in our easy chairs with comically large ice packs held to our skulls, let’s remember one important thing: however empty-brained and regretful we feel today, we can still take heart that we are smarter than thousands of morons across this great nation. Because as Walnut King John McCain might say, my friends, my friends, the Super Tuesday voting confusion did not end with the states of Texas and Washington. Who are the country’s stupidest voters? Click the clicky and we’ll join you after the jump. Read more on Our National Voting Shame: Nobody Knows When To Do This Crap…
 

The Latest Delegate Projections: Obama 841, Clinton 837

So much for resolving anything on Super Duper Stupid Tuesday. Chuck Todd is on the MSNBC right now, doing the modern-day Tim Russert act of scribbling on a computer tablet instead of the dry-erase board popularized in the previous century. And guess what? This is all pretty much a grim $100-million stalemate. Read more on The Latest Delegate Projections: Obama 841, Clinton 837…
 

Empires Rise, Fall And Still Obama Speaks

newVideoPlayer("barryosuper_wonkette.flv", 463, 387,"");Barry Obama gave the longest speech of his political career tonight, and it was all about the wind in the corn and “who are these boys who have so little?” Watch all 20 minutes and feel your love for Barack F. Kennedy slowly draining away like a whispering Iowa cornfield filled with the hopes and dreams of Americans. YES WE CAN! Read more on Empires Rise, Fall And Still Obama Speaks…
 

Barry’s Giving A, You Know, Very OK Speech!

Barack’s giving a speech — will it be good or his usual robotic so-so crap? Grandma’s watching in the Africaland, Barry. 11:44 — “The girls are with us tonight,” and they are… nevermind. 11:45 — Sorry that people are dying again in Arkansas or… some shit… BACK TO ME, SWEET SWEET ME! 11:46 — They are still counting votes, but there is one thing that matters: We won! -ish! 11:46 — Change: A++++++++++++++++ 11:47 — Red states, blue states, I wanna new state, purple state, red state, blue state Hope! 11:47 — Farmers “stood up and said” various things about changing other things, one time, in Illinois. 11:47 — “Maybe this year, we can do sump’m ’bout mortgages.” The crowd goes wild. 11:47 — Black children and white children are equal in South Carolina — this is the dream I will make a reality! 11:49 — This speech is… worse… than the last one, in South Carolina. Maybe everybody’s tired, Barry the most? Oh silly me: Change never sleeps. 11:50 — “Nothing changes because politicians just write another check.” Barry, it’s 11:50 p.m. — who gives a shit about the lobbyists? 11:52 — Hillary’s cool, she’s cool. But that’s exactly why I will lose: She’s too cool… 11:53 — … with Lobbyists! 11:54 — … and with Iran! 11:55 — … and with, generally speaking, being a cunt! 11:55 — Jobs overseas — no to that! 11:56 — Old people — let them retire with RESPECT! What the hell does that mean? They have Florida, they can respect themselves down there. 11:57 — Energy, Clean. 11:57 — 11, 9/. 11:58 — Genocide, Hillary. 11:58 — WE CAN DO IT ALL BABY — IT’S DOUBLE ‘R NOTHING, HOUSE RULES, WE WILL WIN EVERYTHING AND I WANT YOU TO PLEASE SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT UP XOXOXOXOXO. 11:58 — Oh, I’m afraid and cynical. Fuck you, Barry. Why do you have to say I’m cynical for thinking speeches like these are complete crap? Get a job. 11:59 — The South Side, that’s where he learned to run the United States of America. 12:00 — You put out flyers did you, Barry? +1 towards fixing health care. 12:00 — (Hillary sucks too, it’s OK, Barry). 12:01 — Every extra minute, I want to vote an extra minute for Gravel or some shit. 12:03 — Clinton, Clinton, Clinton! 12:03 — DO YOU HEAR THAT? WE ARE LIKING HILLARY CLINTON BETTER NOW, FOR NOW, AT LEAST. 12:03 — Shut shut shut, shut shut shut, shut yer goddamn mouth. (Sang to “Jingle Bells”) 12:04 — Yes we can! Go to bed at some point because you stopped! Read more on Barry’s Giving A, You Know, Very OK Speech!…
 

Obama’s Super Tuesday Super Speech!

Change is coming! Our time has come! Yes we can! Votes aren’t quite counted! House divided cannot stand! Winston tastes good like a cigarette should! Began as a whisper! Corn fields of Iowa! Teachers, cooks, hills of Nevada! Voices of the American People! Maybe we don’t have to be divided by the race and the gender! Crumbling schools! Not this time! Yes we can! Stakes Too High! Washington Players! Read more on Obama’s Super Tuesday Super Speech!…
 

John McCain Wants You To Get Used To The Idea That He’s The Nominee

McCain is back! Or, “Mac is back.” He speaks now to tell you he will never forget how you all pretty much abandoned him last year, and only grudgingly came back to support him when the other candidates all flamed out so terribly. Also, why does McCain always thank “my children who could not be here”? How many children does he have? Read more on John McCain Wants You To Get Used To The Idea That He’s The Nominee…
 

*PROHJECKSHINSSS:* It is at least 7:44 a.m., in the morning, right now, and we’re still typing about politics. Why, Mormon Jesus? Why??!? WONKETTE ANGRRRY. Oh yes, the point of this post: Hillary wins Missouri! That was a close one between her and Barry, because… fuck them both. [The Page] Read more on …
 

Will Make Political Commentaries For Food

Since dropping out of the presidential race, Bill Richardson has joined the Wobblies and hit the road with his bindle and harmonica. See him talking through his fashionable hobo beard, after the jump! Read more on Will Make Political Commentaries For Food…
 

California Liveblogging: No Sleep ‘Til Guam!

Hello friends of the West! Our polls just closed. It’s time to hear Chris Matthews and Wolf Blitzer tell us about our new presidents of the Bear Republic of California. WHO WILL WIN???? Let’s do the liveblogging, if Hillary will ever shut up over in New York City. Obama has Alabama, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Utah, Illinois, etc. Hillary got Tennessee, New Jersey, New York, etc., who cares, it’s Californication Time! Read more on California Liveblogging: No Sleep ‘Til Guam!…