Tag: super tuesday

No, The KKK Is Not And Has Never Been Liberal: A Historysplainer

Of course the Ku Klux Klan was never on the side of liberals and progress. This goes without saying. There can't possibly be anyone who disputes this basic notion, could there? Of course there could. Of fucking course there could....

Republican Candidates Trying To Fill Ben Carson-Shaped Hole In Their Hearts

Uh oh, it's a day in 2016, which means it's time for the remaining GOP candidates to come together for spiteful purposes, infecting our television sets and Commodore 64 computers with bile and derp. Yes, we mean like in...

Dr. Ben Carson Writes Prescription For Himself To Go Bye Now

Bad news, everyone. Our favorite brains doctor and Egyptologist has uninvited himself from the Republican presidential debate on Thursday because, it seems, God nudged him awake and showed him some math: Ben Carson, the retired neurosurgeon who briefly led the Republican...

Oh Yeah, Ted Cruz’s Dumb Face Won Some States Too

In all of the Super Tuesday sexcitement of celebrating Women's History (Making) Month, with our vaginas, and all of our laughing so hard at Republicans for making Donald Trump happen, we almost forgot to rag on Ted Cruz. Shame...

Republicans SO MAD They Made Trump Happen

So Donald Trump had a pretty super Super Tuesday, huh? What with all of that winning he did, from hippy-dippy socialist Vermont and only-slightly-less liberal Taxachusetts, to the deep red down-there regions of the Confederate states of AmeriKKKa. He let Ted...

Marco Rubio Wins A State, Still Second-Place Champion Of Our Hearts

Aww, serial state-loser Marco Rubio finally won a place! We wonder, though, if this means he'll have to bow out of his run for Second-Place President of the United States of America? Aww, poor Marco; no matter what he...

Dear God, Chris Christie, What’s Become Of You?

So, what did everybody do last night? Did you make history by being some sort of lady girl Vagina-American who won Super Tuesday? Did you give a speech at the Mar-a-Lago resort about how your name is Donald J. Trump...

Some Chick ‘Made History’ On Super Tuesday, We Guess

Maybe you do not like her. Maybe you hate her. Maybe you think she is untrustworthy, unlikable, unelectable, unwhateverable. She is too stiff and double-entendre frigid. She is too crybaby emotional and shouty and shrill. She travelgated to Whitewater to drown-murder Vince Foster...

This Inspiring Liveblog About Super Tuesday Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity

Hey. Hello. Welcome. How you doin'? What's new? Can you believe this weather we're having? And how about those Mets, huh? Oh, and also, HOORAY! WOOT! YESSSSSS! Other expressions of glee! It's Super Tuesday!!!!1! In case you were born yesterday...
Romney, applauding himself

Mitt Romney Seems To Be Running For President All Of A Sudden

We hoped. We dreamed. We sent our thoughts and prayers to Liberal Skygod. Please, Liberal Skygod, PLEASE can we have Mitt Romney to kick around one more time? But no, Willard McMittens Junior The Third denied us the pleasure, sending our fond wishes to...

It’s A Bernie V. Hillary Knock-Down Drag-Out Fight! (At My Mama’s House, Starring Us)

It had been a very good day. We went to the corner of Beard and Farrall in Shawnee, Oklahoma, and held signs that read Bernie (my mom, husband, and daughter) or Yellow Dog Democrat (me)! Most people waved back...

America Might Not Have Embarrassing Clown Louie Gohmert To Kick Around Any More

Presidential candidates aren't the only thing Texas is going to play Hold 'Em with on Super Tuesday, as there is also GOHMERS! Texas Congresscritter Louis Bumblescrunch Gohmert IV (R-Some Shithole) is under attack in his own backyard! No, not from...

Ben Carson Promises To Keep Taking Money From Morons, Because Democracy

You might be wondering when world-renowned brain surgeon and world-class napper Ben Carson will gracefully bow out of the year's most exciting reality television programme, "GOP Primary Shit Show Fuckstastrophe Civil War Extravaganza 2016." He's not winning any primary contests, or even the...

Hobby Lobby CEO Says Marco Rubio’s Huge Penis Much Classier Than Trump’s Little Nub

REPUBLICAN PRIMARY OVER, EVERYONE. Hobby Lobby CEO and Jesus-loving abortion hater David Green has issued a proclamation from upon high about which Republican candidate he loves the mostest, and surprise, it's Not Donald Trump: Two days ahead of his state's...

Marco Rubio Soars To Triumphant Not Last Place In Nevada, Donald Trump Does OK Too

Tuesday was an exciting night for Donald Trump, who stomped all over his Republican competitors in the Nevada caucuses with his patented gold-plated shit-kickers. He won approximately 5017 percent of the vote (or 45.9 percent, if you're a nerd...

Iowa Wonkers, Come Pre-Game The Caucuses With Your Beloved Wonkette!

Achtung and hey there, Iowa Wonkers! Come join your editrix, her sessy husband, and her heiress baby on Sunday, Jan. 31, the afternoon before the caucuses, and let us ram and cram beer or a soft drink down your...