Tag: super tuesday

Congratulations, America! Our Long National Nightmare Of Presidential Primaries Is Almost Over!

OH HEY, all you late-night political watchers, are you so 'scited about the results from today's US American primaries? We are too! Now, we know the Associated Press done already SPOILER ALERTED us, by calling the race Monday night when...

This Day In History: Hillary Clinton Concedes To Obama. Is That Subtle Enough?

In 2008, Hillary did the right thing and conceded to Obama. In 2016, the high-heel lady shoe is on the other foot.

Kentucky And Oregon Voting Today, Because Oh My God This Primary Will Never End

Oh look, it is another Super Tuesday, because all Tuesdays are Super when you get to engage in DEMOCRACY! Just kidding, Tuesday is the worst day of the week, and everybody knows that, and it doesn't matter that Kentucky...

It’s Super Tuesday Again! (For The Eleventy-Millionth Damn Time)

Now updated with some results! Hey, people in the Northeast who don't live in New York or Massachusetts or whatever! You live in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island, and you are wearing a sticker on your boob...

‘Fox & Friends’ Jackholes Know Who Will Pick The Next President And It Is Jesus

One of the most comforting things about America is how multiple times every day, the various chicken-brained dickwhistles who work at Fox News will get on the TV and say something amazingly stupid for us to laugh at. This...

Joe Scarborough Not At All Sorry For Being Dumb Sexist Porcine A-Hole

On Tuesday night, Hillary Clinton gave a speech. And it was a great speech. Unless you are a white dude in The Media, in which case it was not a great speech because Hillary Clinton was giving it. And...

Hillary Clinton Wins All The Things, Coming For Donald Trump’s Tiny Hands Now

So Madam Secretary Sen. Hillary R. FLOTUS Clinton the First had a pretty good night on Tuesday, eh? And by pretty good, we mean she kicked so much ass, even our feet are bruised. Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, and...
Answers is tough and is not my favorite.

Marco Rubio Pulls Out Stunning Second Place Win In Florida, Quits GOP Race Like Loser He Is

Marco Rubio, goddamned loser that he is, lost the Florida primary, and his campaign is SO over, bro. Rubio told his supporter(s) he was suspending his campaign Tuesday night, after every news organization in the universe simultaneously punched him...

Let’s Watch Little Marco Rubio Disappear Forever! Your Super Toosday Liveblog

It's another Tuesday, of the super sort, which means voters are primary votin' in a whole mess of states. We are Tom-peeping the polls for you in Florida, Ohio, Illinois, North Carolina, and Missouri, and we honestly have no idea what...

Marco Rubio Knows He Can Win This Thing, If You’ll Just Vote For Someone Else

We didn't know it was possible, but Marco Rubio's math has gotten even worse. Yeah, we are as shocked as you because that's UNPOSSIBLE, right? Rubio is already the worst at math, and not very strong with his ABCs...

Liveblogging Just Plain Regular Not Super Tuesday Presidential Primaries

It's that time of year that happens every four years when we binge-watch Americans voting almost every day. Especially if it is a day called Tuesday, super or otherwise. Didn't we do this last Tuesday? Yes! Aren't we doing this next...

Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Donald Trump: Your Weekly Top Ten. (Donald Trump!)

Whoa hey, what's shakin' my Wonkerinos? Yes, it is I, who is called "Evan," and I am here with your Weekly Top Ten reading list. Was your top ten so lonelypants while I was on vacation? You betcha. I'd...

Who’s Begging To Get On His Knees For Donald Trump Now? GOP Debate Liveblog

Me-owwwwww hiss scratch, so many fight words coming at Donald Trump now! Even though he has been the frontrunner of the GOP race since he decided to stick his delicate tiny-penis fingers into it, Republicans are not the sharpest stars in the sky, so it's taken...

Chris Christie Denies Being Held Captive In Donald Trump’s Sex Dungeon Of Shame

This is the moment Chris Christie's political career strapped on cement shoes and drowned itself in the river, never to be seen again: New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie on Thursday addressed those who mocked his stone-faced expression during a press...
She's all philosophical 'n' stuff

Silly Drunk Mess Sarah Palin Says No, Mitt Romney, You Are ‘Silly Man’ Also Too

Is this 2016 presidential election the best ever or the best goddamned greatest thing ever? Yes! Shortly after Mitt Willard McMittens Romneybot gave a speech at the University of Utah Thursday that was almost -- dare we say? -- impassioned, about how Donald...
Don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no national healthcare

Mitt Romney Announces Republicans Suck, Especially That Trump Guy: A Liveblog

Perennial presidential candidate Mitt Romney is giving a MAJOR SPEECH today at the University of Utah's Hinckley Institute of Politics Forum, about the 2016 Republican primary. Which would be a perfectly normal thing if Romney were a candidate in...