Mike Huckabee, elected permanent dictator of three Southern states, has already spoken. Now Mitt Romney is talking about how screwed we are. What more delights await? MORE »

So many new states are about to pick their own special presidents! Let’s see who will be projected to punch Wolf Blitzer in his “beard.” It’s Arizona, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Minnesota … so many states, so much election projection business! MORE »

So much that he will vote for that Socialist cow Clinton before he pulls the lever for Walnuts.

Really! We thought this was Hillary’s deal … the first make-believe projection has been made! But Mitt Romney and John McCain and Reverend Mike Huckabee are tied.

Hey, it’s that day we’ve all heard so much about! Are you going to vote? We don’t encourage it — it’s cold out there — but it probably won’t hurt anything, unless you manage to crash into the elementary school playground instead of actually parking by the polling station in the cafeteria. Anyway, please take camera-phone pictures and send them to tips-at-wonkette (com) so we can post them all day while we wait for the first results seven-hundred hours from now. [Bloomberg]

ALSO, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE: A massive American spy satellite filled with poison has lost control and will smash into Earth next month. “The satellite, which no longer can be controlled, could contain hazardous materials, and it is unknown where on the planet it might come down.” So it really doesn’t matter who wins Super Duper Tuesday [MSNBC}