Tag Archives: super bowl

  Born Arky sneering at you from just the other side of the Mississippi

Arkansas Does Not Need Your Gay Business, Gays!

Oh, we are SNEERING at our home state of Arkansas right now, so hard. You see, we grew up in Little Rock during the days of Bill Clinton, back when Arkansas was Democrat Tuff, in a very blue dog way of course, but never mind. Now it’s been overrun by the same extremist wingnuts who have taken over state legislatures and governors’ mansions all over the South and beyond, with all the stupid that naturally follows those takeovers. Right now, Arkansas is ready to let a horrid, stupid bill become law, SB 202, wherein towns and hamlets and cozy, scenic criks will be banned from passing ordinances protecting LGBT citizens from discrimination. Why this big government intrusion from Little Rock? Because, of course, gays are gross, and we have to protect reg’lar Arkansans from the “chaos” that would ensue if LGBT people were treated equally: Read more on Arkansas Does Not Need Your Gay Business, Gays!…
  that is not what the B-I-B-U-L says

Creationists Mad At JFK, The Ocean, Carnival Cruise Lines, The Super Bowl, Reality

It’s that special time of the year. The Super Bowl is over, we are still reeling (or happy, if you’re into that sort of thing) over the Worst Play Call In History, and wingnuts have now had a couple days to decide which of the commercials were the evilest and demonic-est of them all. Ken Ham, that creationist nutbag who debated Bill Nye The Science Guy last year, and who is pretty sure that all nonexistent aliens burn in hell, has made his decision, and the winner of this year’s post-Super Bowl Two Minutes Hate will be Carnival Cruise Lines, who had the utter gall to make a commercial that featured a nice quote from John F. Kennedy, about how we all love the ocean because we used to live there before we lost our gills during Evil-lution. Here is that Kennedy quote, for your handy reference: Read more on Creationists Mad At JFK, The Ocean, Carnival Cruise Lines, The Super Bowl, Reality…
  insert your own ball joke

Tucker Carlson’s Internet Home For Fascists Who Can’t Read Good Blames Liberals For Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls

We were doing our goddamned level best not to care about or pay attention to the sportsball controversy some moron decided to call Deflategate, because everything needs a fucking “-gate” suffix, because every-fucking-thing is just like Richard Nixon ratfucking the country. Whenever the conversation at our happy hour/cocktail party/coke-fueled orgy turned to the subject of whether Tom Brady had deflated his footballs to give his football team some sort of advantage or another over the opposing football team, our response was always the same: Read more on Tucker Carlson’s Internet Home For Fascists Who Can’t Read Good Blames Liberals For Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls…
  cool story bro

Boehner And Schumer Engage In Twitter Slap Fight As American Dignity Swirls Further Down Toilet

Politifact gives you FIVE AND A HALF PINOCCHIOS, BOEHNER.
We do so enjoy a little lighthearted, good-natured bicameral smack talk in Congress. Like this exchange between Speaker of the House John Boehner and this other guy, a cousin of very funny comedienne Amy Schumer who also happens to be a Senator. Read more on Boehner And Schumer Engage In Twitter Slap Fight As American Dignity Swirls Further Down Toilet…
  Trust Me: I Suck!

NFL’s Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You

At least he's sorry
NFL President Roger Goodell held a press conference today in which he apologized for being a completely worthless crapbird in his handling of the league’s multiple problems with players who have committed domestic violence and child abuse. He insisted that he holds himself to the highest possible standards, which is why he also is sure he can keep his promise to do better and not let players’ off-field brutality fall between the cracks anymore. Read more on NFL’s Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You…
  Tieghazi

Sexy Fashion God Donald Trump Does Not Care For Barack Obama’s Super Bowl Outfit

When you think “male fashion plate,” who comes to mind? Tim Gunn? David Beckham? Haha of course not. You think Donald Trump because shiny ties and dead-squirrel-on-your-head hair is where it is AT. Mr. Blackwell Trump puts Obama on his worst-dressed list this year for failing to rock a signature sheentastic Trump-style tie during his Fox News interview with Bill O’Reilly. “I definitely think he should have worn a tie,” Trump complained to the hosts of Fox & Friends on Monday. “You know, he’s the president of the United States, let him put on a tie. Bill was wearing a tie, not that he has to follow Bill. But Bill was wearing a tie. He’s the president. It’s a formal position, I think he should wear a tie.” […] “It’s sloppy, it’s not appropriate, it’s not presidential,” Trump opined. “He’s the president of the United States, let him put on a tie.” Read more on Sexy Fashion God Donald Trump Does Not Care For Barack Obama’s Super Bowl Outfit…
  At This Rate We May Never Forget

Super Bowl Press Conference Crasher Just Wants NFL To Admit It Did 9/11

Last night, Malcolm Smith of the Colorado Seabirds won the Super-Ball Much Vaunted Person Certificate for his outstanding achievements in hitting, catching, and running. This gave Malcolm Smith something that somebody else wanted. The something was a microphone, and the somebody else was Matthew Mills, an “independent” “journalist” from Brooklyn, NY. As real journalists gathered around Smith to ask him questions about his mood, Mills saw his chance. He grabbed the microphone from Smith like a sportsball man doing a sweet move, and managed to say “Investigate 9/11; 9/11 was perpetrated by people within our own government” before not saying that anymore and something else happening. It looks like he darted away after a confused man touched him, but someone must have roughed him up at some point, right? Today, we are all never forgetting. Read more on Super Bowl Press Conference Crasher Just Wants NFL To Admit It Did 9/11…
  the superb owl is not what it seems

Another Super Bowl Halftime Show, Another Coded Illuminati Message

You may be amused by the nine minutes of pure weirdness in this here exposé of the Secret Illuminati Symbolism in Bruno Mars’ Sportsball Halftime Extravaganza. Apparently, all SportsBowl halftime shows — like last year’s, with the Beyoncé — are simply shot through with Illuminati messages, because in addition to secretly running the world, the Illuminati just can’t seem to stop themselves from sending messages coded in the rhythmic language of dance. Happily, if you’ve read lots of children’s books like Redwall, you are really good at seeing secret messages sewn into banners and tucked away in the details of architecture. So what are the hidden Illuminati messages of Bruno Mars and his Spiders From Ziggy Stardust? Read more on Another Super Bowl Halftime Show, Another Coded Illuminati Message…
  welcome to the terrordome

Allen West Will Be Haunted By The Horror Of The Coca-Cola Superbowl Ad For The Rest Of His Life

Did you watch Super Sportsball Spectacular yesterday? Were you rooting for the Broncos? If so, you are probably not reading this because you committed ritual suicide after that game. Those of you who remain are still watching wingnut heads explode over the goddamn gall of Coca-Cola to have a commercial that had many different languages. Read more on Allen West Will Be Haunted By The Horror Of The Coca-Cola Superbowl Ad For The Rest Of His Life…
  Curses! Foiled again!

President Obama Humors Bill O’Reilly For Ten-Minute Interview, Gives Him A Cookie For Being Bestest Journalist Ever

Let’s say you’re Bill O’Reilly. First, you have our sympathies. Second, how is it you ever rose to a position where you’re interviewing anyone more important than the Great Neck sanitation commissioner? Do you have pictures of Roger Ailes fucking barnyard geese or playing in a drum circle in Hyde Park in 1968 with Bill Ayers and Abbie Hoffman? In case you missed it yesterday, here is Bill interviewing our Glorious Leader and Most Exalted Comrade Barack Obama (peace be upon him) before the Future Dementia Cases championship game. It’s a remarkable interview and all copies should be gathered up, placed on a rocket and fired into the sun before it can pollute the minds of any aspiring broadcast journalists or people who aren’t already jabbering imbeciles. Read more on President Obama Humors Bill O’Reilly For Ten-Minute Interview, Gives Him A Cookie For Being Bestest Journalist Ever…
  put a sock in it

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Everyone Just Pipe Down Edition

Happy Super Sportsball Sunday! Go read the Times’s one million pages of regular sports coverage AND thinkpieces about the Super Bowl! Or don’t. Go read about Chris Christie! Or just read what we wrote about Christie already. Definitely read the Dylan Farrow letter from yesterday and then promptly go fight with everyone on the internet about it. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Everyone Just Pipe Down Edition…
  New World Ordure

Glenn Beck’s ‘The Blaze’ Asks Brave Question About Beyoncé’s ‘Illuminati Symbol’ During Halftime Show

Oh, sure, maybe you thought the real scandal about Beyoncé’s halftime show was all the gyrating and unladylike whorish dressing and near-hoo-ha hand motions, but that is because you are shallow. Yes we will say it. You are shallow to let yourself be distracted by these meaningless questions of whether Beyoncé was lip-synching or too bouncy-bouncy or whatever, because to focus on such superficialities is to miss the far deeper worry: Was Beyoncé invoking the Illuminati when she briefly held her thumbs and index fingers in a vaguely triangular shape, and since she obviously was, what are the larger implications for today’s modern American political and economic situation of modern America today? Read more on Glenn Beck’s ‘The Blaze’ Asks Brave Question About Beyoncé’s ‘Illuminati Symbol’ During Halftime Show…
  lights out edition

American Exceptionalism Blows Fuse

America the Beautiful, as the Sandy Hook survivors sang, with your cities swept away and never to be rebuilt, crumbling bridges, space shuttles disintegrating, 787s that can’t fucking fly without catching on fire (lithium ion batteries did not work for Dell laptops, they certainly aren’t going to work for you Boeing), your electric power as reliable as it is in Mogadishu or Baghdad. Ah, The Super Bowl, our ultimate aggro festival – the best representation of all USA USA USA hyper-patriotic, belligerent, ultra-nationalist super duper American exceptionalism, and we couldn’t keep the lights on. According to espn, “Officials from Entergy, the utility company supplying power to the Superdome, said the outage occurred when sensing equipment detected an “abnormality” in the system. A statement from Entergy and the Superdome said that a piece of equipment monitoring electrical load sensed the abnormality and opened a breaker, partially cutting power.” An “abnormality”? Like, needing lights? The power went out for 34 minutes at the beginning of the second half of the biggest of America’s games because of an abnormality? Read more on American Exceptionalism Blows Fuse…
  that's not racial transcendence

South Carolina Republican Bravely Tweets Similarities Between Trayvon Martin, Super Bowl

Meet Todd Kincannon. This tall drink of water is the former executive director of the South Carolina Republican Party, an attorney, and the community organizer of something on Twitter called the Twitter Gulag Defense Network or #tgdn. Todd Kincannon is also a man with some very strong opinions about last night’s Super Bowl. This Super Bowl sucks more dick than adult Trayvon Martin would have for drug money. — Todd Kincannon (@ToddKincannon) February 4, 2013 So, yeah, wow…it’s…huh… Read more on South Carolina Republican Bravely Tweets Similarities Between Trayvon Martin, Super Bowl…
  your wonkette cable news news post of the day

Member Of CNN’s ‘Best Political Team On Television’ Suspended For Tweeting About David Beckham’s Underpants

The pussies (meant lovingly) (ehh) who run CNN have suspended a member of the network’s “Best Political Team on Television,” Roland Martin, the jovial ascot-wearing fellow who appears on television to play with David Gergen and Ari Fleischer on election nights. Did he kidnap Wolf Blitzer’s wife or something? No, we’ve all done that. He did, however, make Twitter jokes about a soccer player’s underpants during the Super Bowl. The gays are furious. He will now do penance and reform himself, in the hopes of returning to television as a classy figure like Erick Erickson. Read more on Member Of CNN’s ‘Best Political Team On Television’ Suspended For Tweeting About David Beckham’s Underpants…
  stupor bowl

Karl Rove ‘Offended’ By Dull Ad Promoting Major U.S. Company

Tucked amid the Stupor Bowl teevee commercials for naked chocolate candies, cheesy salt chips, war pornography, and the latest domestic water-beers was this one featuring old Clint Eastwood, the next Bat-Man, scouring stadium catacombs for the The Joker or maybe the Taco Bell. “It’s halftime in America and our second half’s about to begin,” he says, to cringes everywhere. But the ad’s main point is just “Hey let’s hope the Chrysler car company gets back on its feet.” Sure, that sounds fine! Unless you’re known anus Karl Rove, who is offended by Eastwood’s hope for the recovery of one of America’s large companies. Read more on Karl Rove ‘Offended’ By Dull Ad Promoting Major U.S. Company…
  worth as much as a-rod being fed popcorn?

Defense Spends $450,000 On Flying Over Football Stadium Closed Off To Sky

For absurdity, how about those four Navy F-18s flying over the stadium – with its retractable roof closed? Everybody inside could only see the planes on the stadium’s video screens. It was strictly a two-second beauty shot. Know what it cost taxpayers? I’ll tell you: $450,000. (The Navy justifies the expense by saying it’s good for recruiting.) Read more on Defense Spends $450,000 On Flying Over Football Stadium Closed Off To Sky…
  the interrupter / masturbating bear

Here Are All 48 Times Bill O’Reilly Interrupted President Obama Sunday

We finally got around to watching that Super Bowl interview Bill O’Reilly did with President Obama, and it turns out it’s not much of an interview at all. Basically it’s just an opportunity for O’Reilly to annoy the president of the United States every few seconds by interrupting him. You know, the sort of decorum one usually has when ones speaks with the head of state. We counted it up and found 48 instances of O’Reilly interrupting the president in this single interview. And we collected them all for you in one annoying video! Read more on Here Are All 48 Times Bill O’Reilly Interrupted President Obama Sunday…
  it's morning in america

AOL Buys Arianna Huffington’s Famous Internet Website

Sweet Jeebus, AOL has agreed to purchase popular liberal/Brangelina Internet destination “The Huffington Post” for $315 million! Why does AOL think this is a wise investment? And will Arianna Huffington’s citizen journalists continue to Win the Afternoon, with the hottest hot scoops (“D-List Celebrity Has Boobs” and “Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Celebrities Who Have Boobs” and “BREAKING: So Many Boobs!”)? There is probably a HuffPo “personality quiz” and/or slideshow that can answer both of these important questions. [CNN] Read more on AOL Buys Arianna Huffington’s Famous Internet Website… Read more on AOL Buys Arianna Huffington’s Famous Internet Website…
  centennial birfdays

The Super Bowl Is THE Time To Celebrate Our Best President’s Birfday

This year’s Super Bowl may not include Tim Tebow lecturing America about nearly-aborted fetuses, but it has something even better: Lord Ronald Reagan! Some soulless libtards planned the Super Bowl to be on Reagan’s 100th birthday, so to make up for this, the event will now include a pre-game circle jerk tribute to this dead president. (Haha, most American’s will probably be too drunk/too busy with their chicken wings and sex slaves by kick-off to even notice it’s happening.) Why is football no longer just a safe space for pole dancing, strippers, and the occasional concussion? Here’s where to catch the big game in D.C. Read more on The Super Bowl Is THE Time To Celebrate Our Best President’s Birfday…
  enough already

Super Bowl Sunday: Come For the Lardy Food, Stay For the Sex Slaves!

Hey! Super Bowl 666 (sorry – Super Bowl DCLXVI) is just days away. Which group of plus-sized men wearing leggings and suffering from multiple concussions/severe dementia will win? And will there be a multitude of funny beer commercials, for Rancid Piss Lite, et cetera, for all the miserable people watching on their HD wide-screens at home? And will U2 play the bongos on Janet Jackson’s exposed nipples, during the MTV “halftime show”? And will lots of peeling middle-aged men eat buckets of chicken-fried Crisco and have sex with child sex slaves? This is America, so obviously “yes.” Read more on Super Bowl Sunday: Come For the Lardy Food, Stay For the Sex Slaves!…