Wonkette

Ever since the Virginia Tech shootings, college teachers have been extra vigilant about expelling creative writing students who write typical teenage loser stories about suicide and alienation. At the very least, instructors face increasing pressure to notify parents, administrators, and health officials that these lamebots with their dark gothic tales will probably not get laid until they are released from mental institutions at age 30. MORE »

Making a sadder story just a little bit sadder still, today the cops have revealed D.C. Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s suicide note. Instead of blowing the lid of Dick Cheney’s particular perversions or David Vitter’s favorite style of Depends (logo of Elmo in wheelchair, masturbating), the two-page note is a heartbreakingly dull list of trivialities in grade-school girlish handwriting. MORE »

WHERE’S PALFREY’S BOX OF EVIDENCE? “On one trip down the stairs, she lugged a 2-foot-wide box she suggested carried materials related to her infamous court case. ‘This is my evidence,’ she told Strizack before carrying it out the door.” [Orlando Sentinel]

As America mourns the suspicious death of “D.C. Madam” Deborah Jeane Palfrey and gives up hope that anyone or anything can bring down Dick Cheney (or even David Vitter), let’s look back in anger at other recent suspicious suicides involving Our Federal Government. Did you know one of Palfrey’s escort-service contractor ladies also supposedly hanged herself? And what about all these FBI targets and mysterious CIA agents meeting weird, tragic ends? WTF, people, WTF? MORE »

For the great crime of hooking up willing ladies with horny politicians, “D.C. Madam” Deborah Jeane Paltry was facing four to six years in prison, and today she was found dead in a shed behind her mother’s house in Florida. The men who paid for hookers through her service, such as Republican Senator David Vitter, have paid no price for their crimes, and they remain in power as the very people who make up the laws. Anyway, good-bye, Deborah Jeane. Though we didn’t know you at all, you had the grace to hold yourself while those around you crawled. They crawled out of the woodwork, and they whispered into your brain. They set you on the treadmill and then Dick Cheney had you killed. But Wonkette just sent your name to this moon spaceship, Deborah. Enjoy the ride to a better place! [Washington Post]

Pretend-cowboy George W. Bush was all set to give some kind of anti-sleeping-pills speech today, but he’s so upset about the sleeping-pill suicide of pretend-cowboy Heath Ledger that the whole thing’s been postponed! That’s what White House spokeslady Dana Perino told a sobbing press corps today. Brokeback Mountain is Bush’s favorite movie of all time. [Associated Press]

Bush Hits New Low in N.H. [AP via Boston.com]
The Day in Pictures [Seattle PI]

* “It was worth the trip to “Delaware’s Largest Thrift Store” just for the perfectly broken-in brown leather shoulderbag I found for $3.99; the store is large and clean and what it lacks in shoes and jewelry (I recognized a few pairs from LAST summer, and the accessories section seems to have disappeared), it more than makes up for in tops, dresses, and nightgowns perfect for wearing in place of dresses.” [Brightest Young Things]
* Nobody really gives a fuck about the iPhone in Washington. [DCist]
* “The Rat Killing Hawk of Red Cross Square” strikes, raining rodent body parts throughout the streets. [Herb of DC]
* “Seared sea scallops, garlic mashed potatoes and chardonnay sauce at Corduroy (bonus with buffalo mozzarella porcupine appetizer).” [metrocurean]

* Montgomery County Teenage Suicide. Don’t do it. [WTOP]
* Traffic circles actually reduce the number of accidents, including bike and pedestrian accidents. [Rethink College Park]
* Smithsonian American Art Museum lighting designer writes about how he lit the Joseph Cornell Retrospective. [Eye Level]
* Women in DC becoming blonder, more attractive. [Radical Flower]
* Miracle Fruit is “like some weird new experiment from Willy Wonka’s factory, only Willy Wonka is some shady horticulturist from Fort Lauderdale known to the world only through his cryptic messages on obscure gardening blogs.” [Eat Foo]

Here’s a grisly breaking news report: A naked dead construction worker has been found at the bottom of an elevator shaft at the Newseum construction site. MORE »