Wonkette

This president is William Howard Taft, one of Ohio’s eight presidents and the fattest of them all. Extremely, extremely fat man. Will Mark “Bowser” Penn’s strategy of doing nothing positive for Hillary Clinton give her the state? Usually she loses states, but let’s find out.

7:30 — TOO CLOSE TO CALL in OHIO says KEITH OLBERMANN. Don’t, stop, thinkin’ about tomorrow…

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CNN has already called it big for Handsome Barack Obama, of course. Lou Dobbs even knows somebody in Vermont, probably an illegal Mexican of some kind. This is important because everyone in Vermont is super-duper white, except for Lou Dobbs’ special friend, and St. Barack won 62% of the White People. Also, the women voted for Barack, 57% for the Handsome One. But Hillary almost nearly won the senior citizen vote. Ha ha, not really, she won 38% of the old people. Speaking of: What’s his name, the very old man with no money, John McCain, he has won the Vermont GOP primary. [Associated Press]

Worry not, nation: vote-related activities are going smoothly in certain parts of Texas, so far. The Austin American-Statesman reports that “there are lines everywhere” in Travis County, whose largest city, Austin, was home to the bathroom shaming of the Clinton press pool last night. Oh and another county’s election-related Web site is up again after crashing this morning under a massive 21,000 page visits. [Austin American Statesman]

Speaking to a crowd of old white liberal ladies in Austin yesterday, Hillary Clinton said the fact that she is old is proof of her vast experience pretending she was running the country for 35 years. “Granted I am a little older and I have earned every wrinkle on my face and I feel just as energized about what we are doing,” she said, and the old white ladies cheered and then all went to their book club and drank too much wine and laughed through the tears as they read aloud from “The Regional Cooked Food Item Ladies Group,” which has been the No. 1 hardcover fiction book since like October, and then Hillary’s friend Ted Danson appeared and said he used to like black people too, but then he grew up and married an old liberal white lady, and that’s why you should vote for Hillary. [ABC News Political Radar]

Every four years, Americans who happen to be primary voters in Texas, Ohio, Rhode Island and Vermont all meet up at the polling place to take dumb pictures with their iPhones. And then they hum “The Star Spangled Banner” or “Up Against The Wall You Redneck Mother” or Neil Young’s “Ohio” as they send the pix to Wonkette. Please stop being unpatriotic and please start sending us your Stupid Tuesday Polling Pix right now! (Use the “email” feature of your phone, by “emailing” photos to tips@wonkette.com.)

Is this Democratic primary season about math, or hope? Is it about victims, victimizers, or zombies? Never before have the electoral waters been so muddied, but one thing is clear: Hillary Clinton’s campaign would be a lot better off if a selection of freak events were to occur in the very near future. Her options, after the jump. MORE »