Texas Caucus Results Thwarted By Possibly Transgendered Old People
Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
The Texas Caucus will never be decided, and not because of some Diebold terrorist glitch, either. No, it is because old people don’t know the meaning of “transgendered,” and when caucus officials tried to explain it to them last night due to ballot confusion, the old people cursed them out and refused to give any gender at all. As our secret Texas caucus official operative “Bob” notes, “Democratic officials must now determine whether caucusers who refused to properly disclose this information must be disqualified.” MORE »
MSNBC and other people just decided, at 12:45ish, to call Texas’ PRIMARY for Hillary Clinton, but who knows what this has to do with the caucuses. On to Puerto Rico in June! Ugh. Someone be president already? You — you, the reader — you be president. We’ll make some phone calls. Just be president.
Hey guess what she said? “As Ohio goes, so goes the nation.” Oh man she will be running for president when our grandchildren bury their robot sex slaves. “We’re going strong, we’re going all the way.” Oh man. This will never end. This will never fucking end. Yes, fourteen presidents from Ohio were born in the 1500s. YES! 
It’s a pretty nice speech, lots of “Nice Mike” in there, sort of humble (for a guy running for president), and then he starts JABBERING ABOUT KILLING ALL THE MEXICANS AT THE ALAMO. Goodbye, Mike Huckabee. We will really, really miss you.
JUST CALL OHIO FOR TOM BUFFENBARGER ALREADY: Keith Olbermann and his ol’ pal Chuck Todd are saying that Ohio’s full results won’t be in until 4:30 a.m. Chuck Todd explains that Clinton’s lead will diminish when Cincinnati, Cleveland and Toledo are counted (BLACK PEOPLE). What is wrong with this state? Aren’t there a million unemployed ex-factory workers, because of the NAFTA? Hire them all to count the damn ballots, for Christ’s sake.
Here he is finally, after 172 years of campaigning. His still kind-of-hot latest wife Cindy is there, her jaws tight because of the speed, and his children, his many children. His tie is going CRAZY on the teevee. It is a torture-dope-mushroom necktie! What is happening? MSNBC just zoomed in so we don’t have to see the Maverick Tie, which is coming alive. 
Wonkette Operative “Bob” reports live from Precinct 3210 in Dallas, Texas: “OK, so my caucus is not much representative of anything, as we are one of those urban black-white transition areas, with a vote that appeared to be about 75% African American professionals, 20% White, and 5% anything else, including Latino. All were very young. 
Time’s Mark Halperin isn’t 