Tag Archives: stupid

  Bottle nosed bullshit

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Maybe A Dolphin Ate Your Baby

Greetings, friends! It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin,¬†a most special feature on this most special of mommyblogs. Today we’re going to delve into the many ways mommies are mommying this world to make the world mommier for mommies! Whether it’s how you’re going to birth your spawn, or how you’re going to dump it on someone else so you can go boozing and pill-huffing for a few hours, being a good mommy takes lots of time and research (and booze, did we forget booze?). Enclosed in today’s bulletin are stories of two mommies mommying their very best, and by best we mean they are absolutely the worst. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Maybe A Dolphin Ate Your Baby…
  Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

Georgia Patriot Plants Fake ‘Muslim’ Bomb To Warn World Of Muslim Threat

How will people fear radical Islam if we don't make up some fake bomb plots?
A Georgia wingnut has confessed to planting a backpack containing two partially completed pipe bombs in a public park last November, but he had an excellent reason: to raise awareness of the threat of radical Islam. Michael Sibley, 67, loves America so much that he was willing to fake a jihadist bomb attack, there not being any actual jihadis handy at the time. Read more on Georgia Patriot Plants Fake ‘Muslim’ Bomb To Warn World Of Muslim Threat…
  The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem

Read Sam Brownback’s Lips: Whoops, We Raised Kansas’s Taxes

Don't mind me, I'm just being a complete asshole.
The last redoubt of conservative economists has always been the complaint that their radical, free-market ideas have never been tried before. If conservative ideas have never been put to the test, the argument goes, then how can you say they don’t work, you’re not even being fair! Sadly for conservative economists and their fedora-clad fanboys, Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback has, in fact, put low-tax, low-service conservatism to the test, and it didn’t work out quite the way he thought it would. Loosen up those cackling muscles, Wonketeers, because this one’s good. Read more on Read Sam Brownback’s Lips: Whoops, We Raised Kansas’s Taxes…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Science Man Wears Tacky Sexist Shirt, Twitter Has Thoughts

The politically correct war on dorks continues
Welcome to Derp Update, your occasional feature where we purge our browsers of stories that didn’t quite merit a whole post, but were too remarkably stupid to ignore altogether. Fear that your brain cells may be harmed by exposure to toxic weirdness? Dilute! Dilute! Read more on Derp Roundup: Science Man Wears Tacky Sexist Shirt, Twitter Has Thoughts…
  Barack Who?

Bill Maher Right About A Thing

Sure he's a jerk. And he's dead on this time.
Bill Maher can really be a self-important, sanctimonious asshole at times. Thankfully, this is not one of them. On Real Time this week, Maher laid into all the Democrats who have been running as if Barack Obama were the ineffectual dictator Republicans have said he is. Read more on Bill Maher Right About A Thing…
  Shut Your Eyes Marion

Melt Bin Laden’s Face Off With This Awesome Doll The CIA Didn’t Make!

When we were but a young Wonket, we loved our G.I. Joe’s. Pew, pew, pew!, we said to our Joes, along with eeeeeOOOWWW! and sch-BOOOM! when appropriate. Back then, we had to use Cobra Commander as the fill-in for all of America’s enemies, but had we been born a decade later, and had the CIA followed through on this one unbelievably stupid plan, we might have been able to inject some verisimilitude into our cookie-strewn battlescapes. Hey, WaPo! Tell us about it, stud! Beginning in about 2005, the CIA began secretly developing a custom-made Osama bin Laden action figure, according to people familiar with the project. The faces of the figures were painted with a heat-dissolving material, designed to peel off and reveal a red-faced bin Laden who looked like a demon, with piercing green eyes and black facial markings. The goal of the short-lived project was simple: spook children and their parents, causing them to turn away from the actual bin Laden. We have to say, having a doll with a face that melts like a Nazi’s in Raiders of the Lost Ark would probably make your house the envy of all the other impoverished children in your neighborhood, while also making your parents hate you for getting that melted face gunk out of whatever you dripped it on. But still, SO COOL, right impressionable South Asian children? Read more on Melt Bin Laden’s Face Off With This Awesome Doll The CIA Didn’t Make!…
  you want a present don't you?

Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK

Libertarian annoyance Neal Boortz, filling in as host of the Herman Cain radio show (which is an actual thing), added his fair-taxed two cents to the Great Santa Is White Stupid Foofaraw of 2013 Monday, explaining that 1) Santa is, yes, a white Caucasian European-American honky, and 2) Because shut up, he just is, all right? We’ve got another eight days of this crap, folks, and it is apparently here for the duration. But it’s at least a little different from the usual screaming idiocy of the War on Christmas, so there’s that. Read more on Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK…
  and now for something completely similar

Phyllis Schlafly & ‘Obama’s Army Of Blacks’ Guy: Liberals Giving Your Kids To Teh Gheys As Sex Toys

You might think that by now, we were no longer capable of being surprised by Phyllis Schlafly and the merry band of rightwing loonies in her orbit. And for the most part, you’d be right — we’re no longer shocked by much of anything these twits say, because like Taco Bell, they’re in the business of putting together the same few components in infinitely varied combinations. Even so, we did at least raise an eyebrow* at the latest Fiery Doritos Mega-Beeflike Shitburrito Supreme from the Derp Brigade: On Tuesday, Schlafly chatted with minor-league radio bigot Stan Solomon, who fully expects that any moment now, the gummint is going to start declaring conservatives to be unfit parents, and will “take your children, whether they’re in the womb, or already born.” Schlafly agreed that so-called child protective service agencies should be called “the Gestapo,” and claimed that the bureaucrats all get a bonus every time they put children up for adoption on “some flimsy pretext.” Solomon concurred, adding that there are lots and lots of cases where gay adoptive parents have done sex to their adopted kids, and made child porn, “and the media won’t even talk about it.” Read more on Phyllis Schlafly & ‘Obama’s Army Of Blacks’ Guy: Liberals Giving Your Kids To Teh Gheys As Sex Toys…
  that's some brass

Dumb Texas Governor Rick Perry Hates Obamacare, Would Like Some Obamacare Please

Oh hell yes. Coyote-shootin’, painkiller-gobblin’, can’t remember three things in a row master debater with the super awesome hair Governor from Texas Rick Perry emerged from his closet today to beg for Obamacare money because of how much he hates Obamacare money. But, hey man, a hundred million dollars is a hundred million dollars and Rick wants it for his state and we are sure someone he knows is probably going to profit from it somehow. Perry health aides are negotiating with the Obama administration on the terms of an optional Obamacare program that would allow Texas to claim stepped-up Medicaid funding for the care of people with disabilities. Maybe some of these negotiations will include things like, we’d love to help your people, but how’s about you stop being such a dick about a program that you are trying to suck money out of, eh Governor? Or, hey Rick, you can have this money if we can literally shove some of it down your throat until you can’t say stupid shit about¬†healthcare programs when your state has the highest percentage of uninsured people in the entire fucking country? Hahaha, just kidding, that will never happen. Read more on Dumb Texas Governor Rick Perry Hates Obamacare, Would Like Some Obamacare Please…
  the death of fun

South Carolina Launches All-Out Assault on Truck Nutz

OH COME ON, as though somehow there are people out there who don’t love Truck Nutz? Judging by the number of people who sent us this tip, absolutely NO ONE in all of space/time except a humorless douchebag police officer who issued a $445 ticket to a 65-year-old woman for putting giant red balls on her truck, along with some prosecutor who ran out of black people to throw in prison and will now make this lady stand trial for being a public fan of novelty testicles. We might as well be living under Stalin. Read more on South Carolina Launches All-Out Assault on Truck Nutz…
  why did no jewish computers get this worm?

Jews Did the Computer Worm

Apparently the Israeli “Internet Mossad” garnished a computer virus with fun Bible passages, and then sent Iran a misleading p0rno link, on AOL Instant Messenger. And Iran clicky clicked, suckas! But also referencing the Old Testament in a computer virus is sort of lame and melodramatic? Read more on Jews Did the Computer Worm…
  every post today will mention shoes

A Children’s Treasury Of Shoe-Throwing Games

Before the dawn of the Internet, people used to waste time the old-fashioned way: by playing solitaire on their shitty Windows 3.1 machines. Then Doom and Quake and The Sims and Spore came along, and time-wasting evolved into a very sophisticated and complicated activity that required thousands of dollars of expensive electronics to perform correctly. Thanks to the dude who threw a shoe at George W. Bush, the Internet has seen a flowering of incredibly simple and mindless games that would have been amazing and cutting-edge in 1996. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Shoe-Throwing Games…
  never forget

How Did We Exist Without CNN Mobile?

It’s hard to imagine the primitive world of, say, 2000, when we didn’t have “smart phones” with web browsers and breaking news updates from CNN about a motherfucking horse in a ditch somewhere. Besides, Fox News broke this breaking story a year and a half ago. Fuck you, CNN Mobile. (Thanks, “Zach E.,” for sharing.) Read more on How Did We Exist Without CNN Mobile?…