More information has leaked about the Straight Talk Express destroying America’s minivans in Miami on Wednesday, a.k.a. “The Monica Lewinsky Scandal.” What of the bus passenger asshole Joe Lieberman, was he hurt in the crash? No, but he was attacked by a biracial cake: “A little more to that Miami traffic accident yesterday involving Joe Lieberman aboard the Straight Talk Express: Turns out the impact sent a staffer’s chocolate birthday cake with thick white frosting smack into the Connecticut senator.” EAT IT UP, GRAMPY. MORE »

The reign of terror continues! Not content to just mow down elderly black Floridian motorists and spread propaganda for John McCain’s arch enemy, the Haunted Devil-Bus has now buried Houston in a blizzard of “campaign supplies.” [KHOU]

Poor Straight Talk Express, it sure had an awful go of things yesterday. At some point, either before or after it crushed an elderly black handicapped war veteran hero’s minivan, some rascally kids put an Obama bumper sticker on it. Check out the first comment on this website, too: “We were planning on doing that in my home town in iowa with a Ron Paul sticker, but decided against it as we figured it would upset people rather than make them laugh.” Huh? [Political Irony]

John McCain’s armored mammoth-of-death, the famous Straight Talk Express bus, completely destroyed a minivan making a right turn yesterday in Miami. The minivan was holding a black person, maybe, we don’t actually know. The Straight Talk Express was holding Joe Lieberman. *Just saying.* MORE »

AIR WALNUTS: “In McCain’s spacious first class area, there are 12 plush leather seats for the candidate, his wife and senior staffers. The ’straight talk’ area features a long leather bench and another first class seat which McCain sits in when he talks to the press — or would, if he used the area.” [CBS News]

Mike Murphy is this Republican guy with crazy hair like Bozo the Clown would have, if Bozo the Clown had very fine straight hair and wasn’t dead. Whenever Mike Murphy shows up on Meet the Press he is wearing some ridiculous plaid jacket and talking actual sense about Republicans, which is unusual. Naturally, he will not be joining the McCain campaign. MORE »

Look, everybody. Just donate a little bit to John McCain’s campaign, and you might have the American opportunity to develop the “keen eye” of heroic Richard Cohen! [John McCain]

You should check out this video at John McCain’s website called “McCain Cribs,” which tours the Straight Talk Express. The name is a play off of the unpopular teevee program MTV Cribs, where unpaid robots tour various rappers’ houses and garages to check out their mad wheelz. Well, just like that show, “McCain Cribs” features a cyborg rap song in the background. [John McCain] MORE »

Barack Obama and John McCain have been sending e-mails to their supporters (and various others) offering sex, for money. But it is not prostitution, because they speak in euphemisms. An e-mail from Obama campaign manager David Plouffe asks in the subject line “Dinner with Barack?” Maybe Barack should man up and e-mail us himself, or better yet, pick up the damn telephone. John McCain, for instance, sends out his own sex e-mail, subject line “Ride With Me On The Straight Talk Express.” Lord knows how many times that’s worked over the years (mostly with starstruck reporters). Anyway, here is how you can sign up for a sex dinner with Barack Obama, and here is John McCain’s imaginary erection.

I’m on the fancy new WiFi bus. Seems to be working so far! But that could change! Also, there are no A/C outlets! There will still be content today, though, I promise. And Ken said he’s getting up early. Update: It just stopped working! Then it started working again!