[HEY KEN why do you HATE ME? -- A Colleague] [Because I wrote my version 12 hours ago and you should have maybe seen it scheduled to post since last night? -- A Supervisor] Guess who jumped on the “Facebook status-update health-care thing” pretty quick? That’s right, Barack Obama is thrilled to see that educated money-having Facebook internet people are putting the do-gooder thing on their Facebooks. [Thanks to "Noam L." for the tip!]

While the state of Colorado has a few nice cities and some lovely wilderness, until very recently the entire state was run by the Ku Klux Klan, and those people didn’t all just die/disappear! And you can bet the “Rocky Mountain Fever Tick” wingnuts are not pleased about this colored fella speaking to kids on teevee about the so-called “value” of “education” and “staying in school.” So, to fight this black-socialist threat, the poor white children of wingnuts will be forced stay home and get dumber, while watching the hip-hop on the home teevee, because Barack Obama is going to address the schoolkids next week, for a few minutes, on the school teevee. MORE »

What is this? WHAT IS THIS? Oh, right, it’s this … which is no explanation at all. MORE »

Shocking news from the Terrorism Security Agency: All airplane terrorists would not have even existed if ONLY the TSA had crucial information from you, the person booking a flight on the Internet. What is that you say, potential terrorist? You already provide your name and your credit card and then your government-issued photo ID at the airport, to 30 or 40 different TSA employees? THAT IS NOT ENOUGH WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF MUSLIM? MORE »

Just a little biographical note here: Your editor grew up in the Deep South and every white person’s dog was taught something similar. Always so funny! And now with YouTube, everybody can love the jokes. [BuzzFeed]

Alaskan teen Levi Johnston is famous for banging one of Sarah Palin’s daughters in Sarah Palin’s house in a special fuck room Sarah Palin created for the children, and ever since America has turned to Young Mr. Levi for tawdry details of the Palin Lifestyle. The latest, from some awful celebrity shit site: Todd and Sarah got some terrible marriage problems! MORE »

IMPORTANT UPDATE ON OBAMA-JOKER POSTER: Even though creative people are liberal by nature and street artists played an interesting role in the election of liberal Barack Obama, who is widely supported by creative people, because they are liberal, “the art community is not meeting its duty of always questioning those in power,” because they have not immediately turned on Barack Obama, the president they just elected because they want him to be president. But just as a wife beater must always beat his wife, even if he loves her and doesn’t want to beat her, an artist MUST hate Obama, even if he loves Obama. Now where would such rote/contrarian insanity be published? [Reason]

Oh man, Newsweek. We were all prepared to just ignore this, to make it die, because JESUS, but the copy editors closed the deal nicely with this subhed: “Peace Partners: Bush and Obama could play good-cop, bad-cop with Israel.” OH COME ON. Fine, here’s a quick mockery of your broke magazine’s pornographic web-dung. MORE »

You know who used to be American, when he killed fucking foreigners in “World War II or Korea or one of these places,” while wearing the proper green “Army duds,” before liberal Hollywood turned him into a cocksucking cross-dresser? GI JOE THAT IS WHO, come on. MORE »

Much like the earlier generations of unemployed bloggers, Meghan McCain is just so deep in the Internet right now that she’s going double insane. Behold her nervous, illiterate twitters about somebody she doesn’t know who may or may not exist, on the Internet, and perhaps at minimum exists on the other side of the country, typing some sadsack stuff about wanting to die. Teen-agers are hyper-emotional, Meghan, sort of like you, except you haven’t been a teen-ager since your dad almost joined John Kerry’s presidential ticket. MORE »

As Sarah Palin proved to a disgusted nation, you don’t need to know how to write or even read to get a book deal in End Times America. All you need to be is a disgraced former beauty contestant who hates the same fruits and coloreds as Red State America, where illiteracy is no barrier to buying, say, a Glenn Beck book at the Wal-Mart. What do you call a dumb bigot with big hair, high heels and a few pounds of makeup? How about America’s Next Top Author? MORE »