• HOORAY! Says the CEO of the now-bankrupt General Motors: “The GM you knew, the GM that let so many of you down, is history.” Stocks are just cold going nuts, Dow up 215+ at the moment. [Marketwatch]

HUZZAH WE ARE ALL RICH AGAIN: “The Standard & Poor’s 500-stock index, a key gauge of the broader market and the benchmark for many investors’ index funds, erased all its 2009 losses just before the close.” So yay, we are “only” as poor as we were on January 1, which is to say, quite. [New York Times]

It’s another new new unemployment record, America! The happy month of March saw 669,000 U.S. jobs vanish, bringing the jobless rate up to 8.5% — the highest since the end of Reagan’s Lil’ Depression at the end of 1982. About 5 million jobs have now been lost in this current Great Recession. And stocks are on fire — the Dow’s over 8,000 again! MORE »

Somebody give Jim Cramer his golden dildo back, and let Larry Kramer out of the shit-cage where he sleeps, because the Stock Markets had a great big rally! Everything is good again! The U.S. markets were all up up up about 7% all the way around, which means the Dow is right back to, uhm, mid-February levels. Yes We Can. MORE »

Yes, sure, a stock index is not an exact reflection of the economy — the market is usually about six months ahead of what’s actually happening, which is why unemployment can take so long to catch up with a sell-off, which is why the continued plunge of ALL major stock indices (worldwide!) is, um, terrifying? MORE »

Did you hear about the stock market? It’s now at a 10-year low, again, hooray! And the news just keeps getting worse, every fucking day. And maybe it just continues to get worse, every fucking day, until … who knows, 2015? And then another terrible recession-within-the-depression recession in, say, 2017? And then we are finally pulled out by the war against the Space Monsters, which kills off most of Earth’s population but does, at least, revive manufacturing. (Which is done by robots.) MORE »

Tim “TurboTax” Geithner revealed his magic plan to save the economy and the banks and the Toxic Assets, and the Senate approved the Stimulated Package, and … the markets collapsed! Again. The Dow plunged 340+ points, which is basically what happens every time the government makes some big move to try to stop the collapse, going back to October 2007, when all this shit began to spill. What, exactly, are these traders expecting? MORE »

In good news, oil is back to September 2007 prices. (In bad news, gas was still $3 a gallon then, so, uhh …) WHAT DOES IT MEAN. It means the numbers are finally coming in to back up the gloom. Nobody in the stores, no demand for gasoline as people have no jobs, no money, and use their car as a “rusty tent.” So, we’re back to Black Friday territory, from last week. DON’T EVER LOOK AT YOUR 401(k) AGAIN. MORE »

The Dow Jones Index rose 936 points as Obama’s lead solidified. (The Dow did this in 1929, too, but don’t tell the New York Post!)
An Obama Panic: Markets Feat His Policies [New York Post]

All the world’s great bankers — the Illuminati, Bilderberg Group, Rothchilds and the Trilateral Commission — put on their black robes and met in secret last night, under the Great Pyramids, to try to save their holdings, and maybe help the Global Economy. So all the rich world’s central banks launched a coordinated interest-rate cut this morning. You can probably guess how the markets reacted. MORE »

• JESUS FUCKING CHRIST: Dow drops 300 … 400 … 450 … 500. Closes down 5.1%, 508 points, under 9,450. S&P drops under 1,000 to 996, lowest since 2003. Five straight days of this shit. How much longer? Two years? Ten years? [Marketwatch]